


Text Me Quarantine

by ProsperDemeter



Series: Quarantine Fics [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Arachne - Freeform, Bad Jokes, COVID-19, Chatting & Messaging, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Gwen Stacy is a good bro, Harley is Iron Man 2.0, Harry Osborn is a mess, Hydra, I literally have no excuse for anything I do, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kevin the chicken - Freeform, M/M, May Parker is the best aunt to ever aunt, Me playing fast and loose with canon, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Not Canon Compliant, Peter Parker is Tired, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Quarantine, Rating May Change, Simon the Duck, Sir Charles - Freeform, Swearing, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Texting, The Young Avengers team shows up for like a hot second, This story got a plot like outta nowhere, badly executed plot, but it would make Peter said so, don't do that, everyone would die for Daisy, ghost spider - Freeform, hey I moved onto the computer, horrible jokes, nurses are heroes of the world, peter parker is lonely, so I can tag-talk now, they're so soft, venom - Freeform, wrong number fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:12:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 51
Words: 127,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23450752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProsperDemeter/pseuds/ProsperDemeter
Summary: Unknown: Hotel staff: sir, you can’t ask the room under you to hold their dog above the balcony while you lean down just so that you can pet itUnknown: Me: gottcha, I’ll just hang myself over the balcony to pet the dog thenHarls: metalHarls: Probably shouldn’t do that though*****Or the one in which Peter texts the wrong number, Harley is smitten, the world is in quarantine, and romance blossoms from the other side of a screen.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Gwen Stacy, Harley Keener & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Harley Keener/Peter Parker, Harry Osborn/Mary Jane Watson, May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Harley Keener & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds/Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Quarantine Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1717060
Comments: 1098
Kudos: 1670





	1. Human Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: If what is happening in the world, or any reason at all, triggers you PLEASE read at your own risk. This is rough for all of us and I'm simply trying to help us all keep a positive attitude in a world where it's so hard to find the negative. 
> 
> I play fast and loose with cannon in literally every fic I write so... be aware of that fact when reading. 
> 
> In this: Harley HAS met Tony but doesn't have an actual relationship with him as an adult. Peter, Harley and friends are aged up and in college.

**Tuesday**

**Unknown** : Why didn’t the melons get married?

 **Unknown** : Because they cantaloupe! 

**Harls:** Who hurt you

 **Unknown** : This cruel cruel world

 **Unknown** : wait.

 **Unknown** : You're not Ned

 **Harls** : No I am not

 **Harls** : I feel this in my soul though 

**Unknown** : Oh god I am so sorry 

**Unknown** : For the terrible joke 

**Unknown** : And for how the world is treating you

 **Harls** : Omg you’re so pure

 **Harls** : for a complete stranger

 **Unknown** : Haha

 **Unknown** : Sorry for bothering you! 

**Harls** : don’t worry about it

 **Harls** : this has been surprisingly entertaining

**Friday**

? **Harls:** Trade a joke for a joke

? **Harls** : What did one road say to the other 

! **Harls:** See you at the corner

 **Unknown:** What did the fisherman say to the card magician? 

**Unknown:** Pick a cod, any cod

 **Harls:** What do you call a hippie’s wife

 **Harls:** A Mississippi

 **Unknown:** Where did the computer go dancing? 

**Unknown:** The Disc-o!

 **Harls:** I hate Russian dolls 

**Harls:** They’re so full of themselves 

**Unknown:** 2020\. 

? **:Harls**

 **Unknown:** That’s it. 

**Unknown:** That’s the joke. 

**😂 Harls:** man wtf

**Sunday**

**Unknown:** When your aunt’s essential so you’re stuck in quarantine by yourself. 

**Unknown:** You’re not Ned.

 **Unknown:** shit why do I keep doing this

 **Unknown:** Don’t mind me 

**Unknown:** Sorry again!

**Harls:** hot take: why not save your contacts

 **Unknown:** Point. 

**Unknown:** Why save contacts when you can’t even see without them? 

**?Harls:** you okay my dude

 **Unknown:** Fundamentally no. 

**Unknown:** I miss people.

? **Harls:** Bad joke for bad joke

 **Unknown:** I just went to an emotional wedding. 

**Unknown:** Even the cake was in tiers. 

**Harls:** What do you call a dangerous sun shower

 **Harls:** A rain of terror

 **Unknown:** Why do fish live in salt water? 

**Unknown:** Because pepper makes them sneeze! 

**Harls:** What streets do ghosts haunt

 **Harls:** Dead ends

 **Unknown:** Why do you tell actors to break a leg?

 **Unknown:** Because every play has a cast! 

**Harls:** What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain

 **Harls:** Hi Cliff

 **Unknown:** 😂😂😂😂

 **Unknown:** Thank you, random stranger. 

**Harls:** anytime 

**Harls:** really

 **Harls:** text me anytime

 **Unknown:** And you called me pure.

**🙃 :Harls**

**Monday**

**Unknown:** Hotel staff: sir, you can’t ask the room under you to hold their dog above the balcony while you lean down just so that you can pet it

 **Unknown:** Me: gottcha, I’ll just hang myself over the balcony to pet the dog then

 **Harls:** metal

 **Harls:** Probably shouldn’t do that though

 **Unknown:** What if I make a sort of pulley system so the pup can come visit my balcony? 

**Harls:** better

 **Unknown:** loop-hole! 

**Harls:** what does your aunt do for work

 **Unknown:** Nurse

 **Harls:** h e r o

 **Unknown:** Literal

 **Harls:** how’s her hospital doing

 **Unknown:** so far four deaths 

**Unknown:** she works in the ER so she’s seeing the brunt of it

 **Unknown:** they’re running out of ppe fast and it’s very stressful tbh

 **Harls:** no one’s doing anything

 **Unknown:** I mean I’m drawing up designs for more effective and easier to make equipment but that’s in between school

 **Harls:** send them here and maybe I can work on making some for you

 **Unknown:** that’s so sweet

 **Unknown:** don’t worry, though, I’ve been sending them off to this guy I know that’s been working on getting as many made as possible 

**Unknown:** I’ll still send you the final design as soon as I have it though if you want to make and donate some to places near you

 **Harls:** you know a guy, huh

 **Unknown:** 😂😂 ominous, right?

 **Harls:** Who is this guy

 **Unknown:** the world may never know

 **Harls:** Ominous

 **Harls:** so metal

**Unknown:** I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

 **Unknown:** Do NOT read it. 

**Harls:** wait are we doing the thing again

 **Harls:** or did you actually write a book on psychology

 **Unknown:** I definitely did not write about on psychology

 **Harls:** but if we follow the theory of what you started this conversation on you, in fact, could have and are just using reverse psychology to trick me into thinking that you didn’t

 **Unknown:** You’re thinking too far into this.

 **Harls:** or am I not thinking enough into this

 **Unknown:** You have definitely thought far enough into it. 

**🤨 :Harls**

**Harls:** I mean you said earlier that you were designing a concept on how to more efficiently protect people and easier to make equipment

 **Harls:** and that you “knew a guy” that could make them for you

 **Harls:** all while also studying for school

 **Harls:** you could also very easily have written a psychology book

 **Unknown:** omg it was a JOKE

 **Unknown:** please do everyone a favor and

 **Unknown:** STOP

 **Harls:** 😏 so don’t stop

 **Unknown:** smh

**Unknown:** The neighbors below me sent their dog up with a note for me to pet

 **Unknown:** They’re letting her sleepover tonight!!!!!

 **Harls:** Aren’t you not supposed to touch a dog's fur because the sickness can get transmitted through their fur

 **Unknown:** This dog is the only thing that has made me happy this whole week don’t ruin it

 **Unknown:** I have given her a bath and she shall receive one tomorrow when she goes back to her room 

**Harls:** fair fair

**Harls:** question

 **Unknown:** I may not have an answer for you

 **Harls:** clever

 **Harls:** did you ever update your contacts

 **Unknown:** Yes

 **Unknown:** Without contacts too

 **Harls:** Do you not have glasses

 **Unknown:** I do. 

**Unknown:** They just fell off the balcony and into the road where they promptly got run over by a Walmart delivery truck

 **Harls:** Are you just a human disaster

 **Unknown:** Always have been

 **Unknown:** I think I always will be

 **Harls:** Okay then

 **?Harls:** What am I in your phone

 **Human Disaster:** Not-Ned

 **Harls:** Do you want an actual name

 **Human Disaster:** s t r a n g e r d a n g e r

 **Harls:** coolcoolcool

 **Harls:** I am v dangerous

 **Human Disaster:** that means you’re not at all dangerous

 **Harls:** So you want a name then

 **Human Disaster:** No, Not-Ned, I do not

 **Human Disaster:** Because I, in fact, may be the stranger that is danger

 **Harls:** I’ve talked to you for almost a week now and you’re still the softest person I have ever met

 **Human Disaster:** rood

 **Human Disaster:** I am scare

 **Human Disaster:** I am danger

 **Harls:** sure you are buddy

**Tuesday**

**Harls:** school sent me home to do online classes

 **Harls:** little do they know I will be attending every class from now on without pants

 **Human Disaster:** I don’t think I’ve changed out of sweatpants in a week

 **Human Disaster:** I am running out of sweatpants

 **Harls:** laundry

 **Human Disaster:** And put the nice housekeeping lady at risk? 

**Human Disaster:** No thank you. 

**Harls:** I keep forgetting that you’re staying in a hotel

 **Harls:** how are you paying for that

 **Human Disaster:** My illustrious college career

 **Human Disaster:** The guy I know owns the place

 **Harls:** what the hell are you

 **Harls:** a secret child

 **Harls:** to a billionaire 

**Human Disaster:** An intern 

**Harls:** a secret paramore to the billionaire

 **Human Disaster:** Hey that’s my father you’re talking about! 

**😮😮😮😮 :Harls**

**Human Disaster:** naw I really am just an intern

 **Human Disaster:** He wanted me to go to his house in MA but they’re on quarantine too since he’s immunocompromised

 **Human Disaster:** and my friends all offered to take me in but the state when into lockdown before the two week self-quarantine was up so

 **Human Disaster:** hotel is the only option for now

 **Harls:** that is a shitty situation, my dude

 **Human Disaster:** yeh but I’ll make do

 **Human Disaster:** on the plus side, my friend Harry keeps sending me and Ned Legos! 

**Human Disaster:** We build them together through facetimw

 **😂 Harls:** how many rich people do you know

 **Human Disaster:** Too many for someone as poor as me 😂😂😂😂😂😂

 **Human Disaster:** Who are you staying with? 

**Human Disaster:** Hopefully not yourself, cuz tbh being alone really sucks

 **Harls:** I’m with my mom and little sister

 **Harls:** And can’t forget my crippling anxiety

 **Human Disaster:** omg how could I forget that

 **Human Disaster:** I’m a horrible friend to anxiety

 **Harls:** I’m sure it forgives you

**Harls:** Hey, how was the dog

 **Human Disaster:** Her name is Daisy and if I throw down treats she catches them

 **Human Disaster:** Her owners are Nora and Ryan we play Cards Against Humanity with the old lady Sandra that’s staying in the room next to me every Friday night 

**Harls:** why is this so pure

 **Harls:** why is my heart so happy to hear this

 **Human Disaster:** Us NYers gotta stick together. 

**Human Disaster:** Nora and Ryan worry about me and Sandra cuz we’re alone

 **Human Disaster:** And because they saw my glasses get run over by that Walmart truck day one

 **Harls:** I hope you have new ones coming in

 **Human Disaster:** Oh yeah they’re coming in the mail in a few days

 **Human Disaster:** I can’t wait to see the tv clear again

 **Harls:** Watching any good shows

 **Human Disaster:** I’ve binged Star Wars and Star Trek and am working my way through the classic Doctor Who episodes in between Greys Anatomy

 **Human Disaster:** You?

 **Harls:** just Bob’s Burgers on repeat

 **Harls:** all day every day

**Human Disaster:** I will forever be angry that Netflix took down Friends 

**Harls:** PIVOT

 **Human Disaster:** WE WERE ON A BREAK

 **Harls:** Princess Consuela Banana hammock

 **Human Disaster:** Crap Bag

 **Harls:** How you doin

 **Human Disaster:** You threw away my sandwich?

 **Human Disaster:** MY SANDWICH?!

 **Harls:** Unagi

 **Human Disaster:** I WANNA GOOOO

 **Harls:** JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD

**Wednesday**

**Harls:** have you talked to your aunt lately

 **Human Disaster:** Yeah we talk every night 

**Human Disaster:** And I Facetime breakfast with her

 **Harls:** how is she

 **Human Disaster:** Tired. 

**Human Disaster:** She has bruises all over her face from the mask

 **Human Disaster:** We only cried once on this breakfast call, though! 

**Human Disaster:** Progress!

 **Harls:** My sister works at the local grocery store

 **Harls:** And my mom at a diner 

**Harls:** So I’m the only one at my house most days

 **Human Disaster:** With your crippling anxiety 

**Human Disaster:** Can’t go forgetting your best friend! 

**Harls:** Of course

 **Harls:** I was lucky enough to get a flight out of Cali tbh

 **Harls:** only lowkey stressed I got something on the flight

 **Human Disaster:** I took the train from Boston back home and took an hour long shower and basically bathed in hand sanitizer. 

**Human Disaster:** The old man was angry I didn’t just go stay at his place instead of take a six hour long train ride.

 **Harls:** the old man

 **"Harls:** wait is that your “guy you know

 **Human Disaster:** Yes

 **Human Disaster:** If you think I’m a mess let me tell you about h i m

 **Human Disaster:** He fell out of a tree playing hide and seek with his daughter and broke his arm but has the g a l l to lecture me about skating without a helmet

 **Harls:** e x p o s e h i m 

**Human Disaster:** He owns this huge company, right? And literally can’t figure out how to work his Keurig 

**Human Disaster:** He made an AI to work the Keurig for him

 **Harls:** what does he do when the AI stops working

 **Human Disaster:** c r y 

**😂😂😂😂😂 :Harls**

**Harls:** I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. 

**Harls:** But it’s only mild

 **Human Disaster:** Why not sharp?

 **Human Disaster:** Why do you hate sharp cheddar cheese?

 **Human** **Disaster:** Racist. 

**Harls:** My Grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo

 **Human Disaster:** Your Grandfather sounds like a man with stories to tell. 

**Harls:** I was sitting in traffic the other day

 **Harls:** That’s probably why I got run over

 **Human Disaster:** Put that on my gravestone

 **Human Disaster:** I want to be r e m e m b e r e d 

**Harls:** I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me

 **Human Disaster:** How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 

**Human Disaster:** Ten tickles. 🙂

**Harls:** my professor turned himself into a picture of a crocodile during our virtual class today

 **Harls:** it was the most beautiful thing I have ever had to learn engineering from

 **Human Disaster:** I spent the entire video lecture wearing a unicorn onesie 

**Human Disaster:** It was a glorious time

**Thursday**

**Human Disaster:[Daisy](https://pin.it/7nLleRV)**

**Human Disaster:** She is a good doggo

 **Human Disaster:** The bestest girl

 **Harls:** I would die for her

 **Human Disaster:** Daisy is the best thing to happen to me out of this entire mess

 **Harls:** I want to meet a Daisy

**Harls:** I didn’t meet a Daisy

 **Harls:** but I did meet a Kevin

 **Harls:** [Kevin ](https://pin.it/4zTcUgQ)

**Human Disaster:** Kevin is so fluffy!

 **Harls:** Kevin is a Chicken Disaster

 **Human Disaster:** Is Kevin fluffy?

 **Harls:** Kevin is all fluff

 **Human Disaster:** perf

**Human Disaster:** The busboy at the hotel just knocked on my door and asked if I had stock in Lego from all the packages I keep getting

 **Human Disaster:** Little does he know 

**Human Disaster:** I have literally no money. 

**Harls:** I want legos

 **Human Disaster:** I wanna be…

 **Human Disaster:** … where the people are

 **Harls:** I wanna dance with somebody

 **Human Disaster:** I wanna feel the HEAT with somebody!

 **Harls:** controversial opinion: the Glee cover was lit

 **Human Disaster:** this

**Human Disaster:** Sings Into the Unknown loudly from the hotel balcony

 **Harls:** plugs ears because I don’t have Disney+ yet

 **Human Disaster:** omg you poor child

 **Human Disaster:** I’m poor and even I have Disney+

 **Harls:** my rommie had it at college but I forgot to get their log-in

 **Human Disaster:** Ask for it now? 

**Harls:** no Bryan is the worst

 **Harls:** the only good thing about him was his Disney+ account

 **Human Disaster:** Whoa 

**Human Disaster:** Bold words from someone that doesn’t have their own Disney+ account

 **Harls:** if you knew Bryan you would understand

 **Human Disaster:** To give you benefit of the doubt

 **Human Disaster:** He does have a y in his name

 **Human Disaster:** And people with y’s in their name are usually the Worst

**😣 :Harls**

**😣😣 Harls:** what if I have a y in my name

 **Human Disaster:** Than you are The Worst

 **Human Disaster:** Sorry I don’t make the rules

 **Harls:** what am I feeling

 **Harls:** is it a feeling

 **Harls:** could I be feeling somehow

 **Human Disaster:** RIP

**Human Disaster:** I hope you know I don’t actually think you’re the worst

 **Human Disaster:** You’ve actually been really nice this whole time

 **Human Disaster:** Texting you is the only thing that’s kept me from spiralling so

 **Human Disaster:** Thank you

 **Human Disaster:** For answering. 

**Saturday**

**Human Disaster:** Five guys walk into a bar. 

**Human Disaster:** You would think one of them would have noticed it. 

**😂😂😂😂😂 :Harls**

**Harls:** I just laughed so hard I squirted milk out of my nose during a lecture

 **Human Disaster:** I WIN! 

**Harls:** Kevin says you all need to stay inside

**Harls:[Kevin](https://pin.it/fymZZIy)**

**Human Disaster:** Kevin is the fluffy king we deserve

 **Harls:** queen*

 **Human Disaster:** Kevin is the Fluffy Queen we deserve

**Human Disaster:** Do you live on a farm?

 **Harls:** lmao no

 **Harls:** my neighbor has chickens, though

 **Harls:** and Kevin always wanders inside our house 

**Harls:** and started a nest in our fresh laundry

 **Harls:** so she's ours now

 **Human Disaster:** That story was so much better than anything I expected to get in answer

 **Harls:** I aim to please

 **Human Disaster:** I stan (one) chicken named Kevin

**Human Disaster:** My glasses came in! 

**Human Disaster:** The world is so Clear and Sharp now

 **Human Disaster:** I can’t wait to watch the world end in Crystal Clear Focus now!

 **Harls:** wear 3d glasses with them and you’ll break the matrix

 **Human Disaster:** My IT guy says we should try unplugging it and plugging it back in.

 **Harls:** clearly the only solution

**Human Disaster:** I sent my aunt a care package with a stuffed kohla in it and she sent me a picture of her holding it and I kind of want to make it my background

 **Harls:** that is adorable

 **Human Disaster:** I may or may not have started crying 

**Human Disaster:** I may or may not be crying still

 **Human Disaster:** I miss her

 **Harls:** do you live with her

 **Human Disaster:** Yeah... when I'm not at school

 **Harls:** just think of how you’re keeping her safe

 **!Harls:** your aunt’s like a superhero

 **Harls:** working to save everyone when our heroes are stuck at home

 **Human Disaster:** That just makes me cry more

 **Human Disaster:** I don’t want her to be a hero

 **Human Disaster:** I want her to be hoem

 **Human Disaster:** and safe 

**Human Disaster:** This si so much easier when it’s me not her

**? :Harls**

**Human Disaster:** sorry I’ll be fne

 **Human Disaster:** I just want to hu g her before I can’t anymore

**Harls:** you’ll get to hug her again 

**Harls:** I know it’s scary

 **Harls:** I know it’s hard

 **Harls:** but I promise

 **Harls:** you’ll get to hug her again

**Sunday**

**Harls:** hey

 **Human Disaster:** Hi

 **Harls:** you okay

 **Human Disaster:** mhm 

**Human Disaster:** I’ve been watching Disney all day 

**Human Disaster:** And me and May have been having a watch party on Netflix with Moana and singing along on video chat

 **Harls:** May’s your aunt

 **Human Disaster:** yeah

 **Human Disaster:** I shouldn’t have said that, though? 

**Harls:** My sister’s name is Abby

 **Human Disaster:** Oh

 **Harls:** We’re even

**Human Disaster:** Sandra, the lady that’s in the room under me and to the right, made cookies and left them outside on a little folding table for people to take as they walked by

 **Human Disaster:** She’s the sweetest

**Harls:** What school did you go to in Boston 

**Human Disaster:** MIT

 **Harls:** Stanford

 **Harls:** I went/go to Stanford

 **Human Disaster:** Whoa! That’s so impressive! You must be pretty smart!

 **Harls:** Same to you, man

 **Harls:** MIT is hard shit to get into

**Harls:** I applied to MIT when I was looking at colleges

 **Human Disaster:** Did you get in?

 **Harls:** Yeah

 **Harls:** Stanford just gave me a better scholarship

 **Human Disaster:** That’ll do it. 

**Harls:** but if I took it

 **Harls:** maybe you wouldn’t just be Human Disaster in my phone

 **Human Disaster:** I’m what now

 **Human Disaster:** I mean… fair

  
  


**May:** Goodnight baby

 **May:** Send me a pic of the new glasses!

 **May:** I’m going to show all the girls at work.

 **Peter:** May nooo

 **May:** May yes

 **Peter:** gdfjsdjfsdj fine

 **May:** ❤

**❤ :Peter**

**Human Disaster:** Goodnight, May!

 **Human Disaster:** [Peter](https://pin.it/4NG5POf)

 **Harls:** whoops

**Harley:** oh god

 **Harley:** gwen

 **Harley:** he’s hot


	2. The Name Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all so nice???? 
> 
> Every time I read your comments I cry and squee and, really, I am so happy people are reading and enjoying it. I'm so glad I can do my little part to make this scary time better for you all. 
> 
> I love every one of you????

**Monday**

**_**My Favorite Dumbass** _ **

**Human Disaster** : An actual conversation I overheard

 **Human Disaster** : Sir 

**Human Disaster** : I do not care that you have prepaid for this prostitute 

**Human Disaster** : No one in or out

 **Human Disaster** : "But she has my medication!" 

**Human Disaster** : long suffering sigh "For what, sir?" 

**Human Disaster** : "Uh…" 

**Human Disaster** : Sandra through her door: "Limp dick?" 

**Human Disaster** : I started laughing so hard I face planted into the door

 **Human Disaster** : Now I'm laughing and my head hurts

 **Harls** : omfg 

**😂😂😂😂😂 :Harls**

**Harls** : what even

_ **The Gang** _

**Gwen** : oml send me pls

 **Gwen** : give me hot boy or give me death

 **Harley** : perish 

**Gwen** : u can't gay panic on ur own

 **Harley** : watch me

 **Gwen** : pls

 **Gwen** : ive been scrolling through too many fuck boy instas and need somethin new to stare at

 **Harley** : smh

**Harley:[Peter](https://pin.it/3idvvvD)**

**Gwen** : o

 **Gwen** : o

 **Gwen** : o boy

 **Gwen** : u lucky bitch 

**Harley** : ihgh

 **Gwen** : s p a n k b a n k

_**My Chat with a Goddess** _

**May** : Good morning, baby

 **Peter** : Morning May! 

**May** : Facetime in a few? 

**Peter** : Yes please!!!!

**May** : Oh, Pete! Don't forget to send me a picture! The girls want proof of life. 

**Peter** : But I did????

 **Peter** : Oh

 **Peter** : OH NO

_**My Favorite Dumbass** _

**Human Disaster** : PLEASE IGNORE THE ABSOLUTE RANDOM PICTURE OF AN ABSOLUTELY RANDOM MAN I SENT TO YOU LAST NIGHT

 **Harls** : suspicious

 **Harls** : seems legit

 **Harls** : because you seem like the type to have pictures of totally random men on your phone

 **Harls** : that you accidentally send

 **Human Disaster** : 😭😭😭😭 it was meant for my aunt

 **Harls** : you send your aunt pictures of random men

 **Human Disaster** : Yes. 

**Human Disaster** : It's our thing 

**Harls** : seems legit 

**Harls** : and not creepy at all

 **Human Disaster** : 😮

 **Human Disaster** : I’m sorry it’s not actually a picture of a random man

 **Harls** : couldn’t even stick with it for a whole day

 **Human Disaster** : I’m the worst at lying

 **Harls** : I bet you have a guilt complex

 **Human Disaster** : I have a guilt complex 🙃

 **Harls** : ooo got it in one

 **Harls** : It’s fine

 **Harls** : I promise I won’t send it to anyone else

 **Human Disaster** : Whoa wait

 **Human Disaster** : ELSE?!

 **Harls** : Gwen needed it

 **Harls** : don’t ask me why

 **Harls** : she just did

 **Human Disaster** : 😡😡😡😡

**Human Disaster** : Never

 **Human Disaster** : I mean NEVER

 **Human Disaster** : Send pictures of someone to anyone else without their consent

**Harls** : wait are you actually mad

 **Harls** : Gwen isn’t just any random person

 **Harls** : wait

 **Harls** : I mean to say 

**Harls** : I’m sorry 

**Harls** : I won’t send anything else you accidentally send me to anyone ever again

 **Harls** : I didn’t know it was actually you

_**The Boyz** _

**Pete** : I’m so angry right now

 **Pete** : And there’s nothing around for me to punch 

**Harry** : lmao wimp

 **Harry** : punch the wall

 **Harry** : I dare you

 **Ned** : Don’t punch the wall!

 **Pete** : I have punched nothing 

**Pete** : I did throw a Lego plane out the window though

 **Ned** : 😣😣😣😣

 **Harry** : omg how far did it go

 **Pete** : And no one knows… 

**Ned:** How far I’ll gooooOOOOooo

 **Pete** : But like far enough I can’t see it anymore

 **Harry** : lmao

 **Ned** : We’re so lucky you use your powers for good

 **Ned** : Why are you angry though?

 **Ned** : Is May okay?

 **Pete** : May’s fine

 **Pete** : It’s…. This…. Ugh

 **Harry** : is it the wrong number

 **Harry** : i bet it’s the wrong number

 **Harry** : what do i get if i’m right

 **Ned** : I’m not going to bet against that

 **Ned** : The odds are stacked against me

 **Pete** : Okay so… I might have sent a pic meant for May to them

 **Ned** : Pete

 **Harry** : lmao dude

 **Harry** : how are you so smart 

**Harry** : and like the dumbest person i’ve ever met at the same time

 **Ned** : Does he know who you are now?

 **Ned** : I mean I’ve heard you introduce yourself as Spider Parker before

 **Harry:** that was the best day of my life

 **Pete** : 😡😡😡😡

 **Pete** : No

 **Pete** : He sent the picture to his friend

 **Harry** : why is this a problem

 **Harry** : i’ve literally posted so many pictures of you 

**Pete** : Without permission?!

 **Ned** : Ooooooooh

 **Ned** : Pete has a thing about consent

 **Harry** : but if this random stranger didn’t know about your consent thing

 **Harry** : how can you be mad at them for sending a pic that they randomly got to someone they know?

 **Harry** : i know you’d have done the same if they sent you a random pic

 **Pete** : No!

 **Ned** : To be fair

 **Ned** : If you knew who they were you would be stalking their internet history

 **Pete** : No!

 **Pete** : Privacy is important!

 **Pete** : Consent is important!

 **Harry** : and so is accepting people are fuck ups

 **Ned** : The man has a point

**Harry** : he isn’t answering

 **Harry** : that means we’re right

 **Ned** : Harry you’re such an ass 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

 **Harry** : lmao point

_**My Favorite Dumbass** _

**Harls** : please don’t be mad

 **Harls** : you’re like the best thing to happen during this shit storm

**Tuesday**

**Harls** : joke for a joke?

**Harls:[Harley](https://pin.it/53qqaTS)**

**Harls** : that’s it

 **Harls** : that’s the joke

 **Human Disaster** : Omg

 **Human Disaster** : No

 **Human Disaster:** Why

 **Harls** : fair is fair

 **Human Disaster** : I didn’t want

 **Harls** : pls don’t be mad

 **Human Disaster** : !!!!!!

 **Human Disaster** : How can I be mad

 **Human Disaster** : Look at yoooooou

 **Harls** : oh are we talking about this now

 **Harls** : you owe me a joke

 **Human Disaster** : 😮😮

**Human Disaster** : WHAT’S THE MOST TERRIFYING WORD IN NUCLEAR PHYSICS?!

 **Harls** : WHY ARE WE YELLING

 **Human Disaste** r: WHAT IS THE MOST TERRIFYING WORD IN NUCLEAR PHYSICS?!!!!

**Harls** : I mean am I never getting an answer to this puzzling question

**Human Disaster** : OOPS

**Harls** : ????

 **Human Disaster** : That’s it

 **Human Disaster** : That’s the joke. 

**Harls:** omg

 **Harls** : you’re one of those 

**Human Disaster** : One of the what?

 **Harls** : I have no more words

_**The Gang** _

**Gwen** : r u still talking to hottie mc no name

 **Harley** : shut your whore mouth

 **Gwen** : hahahaha 

**Gwen** : so yes

 **Gwen** : should i be planning the wedding

 **Harley** : omg shut up

 **Gwen** : i can hear the bells

_**My Favorite Dumbass** _

**Human Disaster** : What did the hamburger name it’s baby?

 **Human Disaster** : Patty!

 **Human Disaster** : I was walking through a quarry… I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!” 

**Human Disaster** : “Boulder.” He corrected me.

 **Human Disaster** : “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK.” 

**Harls** : tell me I’m not the only one that gets to see these gems 

**Human Disaster** : My friends said if I sent them anymore they would find me and push me into the Hudson

 **Human Disaster** : And, as someone that’s been in the Hudson, 10/10 would not recommend.

 **Harls** : why the hell were you in the hudson

 **Human Disaster** : That’s classified.

 **Harls** : wtf????

 **Human Disaster** : 🤷🤷♂️

**Wednesday**

**Harls** : ALERT

 **Harls** : ALERT

 **Harls** : THIS IS NOT A DRILL

 **Human Disaster** : WHAT IS IT

 **Harls** : KEVIN HAD BABIES

 **Harls** : KEVIN IS A MOM

 **Harls** : [Kevin's babies](https://pin.it/VzkoF9p)

 **Human Disaster** : O

 **Human Disaster** : M

 **Human Disaster** : G

 **Human Disaster** : AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 **Human Disaster** : BABby FLuFfS

 **Harls** : i’m a grandpa

 **Harls** : i’m so proud

**Human Disaster** : Sandra sent her ipad over by tying it to Daisy and she brought it over to me so I could set up her facetime

 **Human Disaster** : I now facetime Sandra AND May for breakfast everyday

 **Human Disaster** : I have adopted her as my Mimaw and no one will ever convince me otherwise. 

**Harls** : so pure

 **Harls** : so soft

 **Human Disaster** : I Am Danger

 **Harls** : s o f t 

**Harls** : p u r e 

**Harls** : a d o r a b l e 

**Harls** : a kid in my chem class got kicked out of the virtual chat for showing up shirtless for five days in a row

 **Human Disaster** : I c o n i c 

**Harls** : the prof had to issue new wfm chat guidelines

 **Harls** : nowhere does it say that i must wear pants

 **Human Disaster** : I hacked into my school’s chat and made it so that every time the Prof sent a message a frog croaked

 **Harls** : wtf why 😂😂😂😂

 **Human Disaster** : Why not?

 **Harls** : c h a o t i c 

**Human Disaster** : How are the babies?!

 **Harls** : f lu f f y 

**Harls** : [Kevin's Babies](https://pin.it/3WoTfAA)

 **Human Disaster** : I’m cry

 **Human Disaster** : They so fluff

 **Harls** : I would die for them

 **Human Disaster** : I would kill for them

 **Harls:** I would kill myself for them

 **Human Disaster** : Please no

 **Human Disaster** : I need you 

**Human Disaster** : I need the fluffs too 

**Human Disaster** : But I need you more

_**The Gang** _

**Harley** : gwendolyn

 **Harley** : i’m crying

 **Harley** : he’s so 

**Gwen** : internet boooooi

 **Gwen** : propose

 **Harley** : one day

 **Harley** : one day i will

 **Harley** : one day i will be mister human disaster

 **Gwen** : lmao ur so soft

 **Gwen** : lil gay shit

_**My Favorite Dumbass** _

**Harls** : Prof “you can draw a straight line from a to b and be able to draw a conclusion on why exactly you do what you do”

 **Harls** : me “bold of you to assume anything about me is straight”

 **Human Disaster** : Prof. “Can you please stop making puns in the chat to give away answers to the other students?”

 **Human Disaster** : Prof. “What is the chemical that is used in the brakes of a car, production of rubber, and helps make the white color in paint?”

 **Human Disaster:** Me “What do you do with chemists when they die?”

 **Human Disaster** : Me “Barium!” 

**Harls:** man i would marry you

 **Human Disaster** : I’m not saying yes unless the ring is absolutely not a diamond

 **Harls** : deal

 **Human Disaster** : 😂😂😂😂

_**The Boyz** _

**Harry** : dad has the rona

 **Harry** : rip u sob

 **Pete:** 😮

 **Ned:** Yikes

 **Harry:** lmao karma b

_**Roomie Chat** _

**Pete** : You okay, Har? 

**Harry** : yeh

 **Harry** : no

 **Harry** : i’ll be good

 **Harry** : tnx 

**Pete** : ❤

 **Harry** : ❤❤

**Thursday**

_**My Favorite Dumbass** _

**Harls** : I had a dream last night that Kevin was a ninja 

**Harls** : and was teaching Daisy how to fight

 **Harls** : how is Daisy

 **Human Disaster** : OMG DAISY IS THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE

 **Human Disaster** : [Daisy](https://pin.it/3Bh30WY)

 **Human Disaster** : SHE IS SLEEPING OVER AGAIN TONIGHT

 **Human Disaster** : Her humans need alone time

 **Harls** : netflix and chill

 **Human Disaster** : Mostly just the s in the e x 

**Harls** : in case I haven’t said this today

 **Harls** : Daisy is the angel we all deserve 

**Human Disaster** : I was helping out in the kitchen today and someone dared me I couldn’t juggle wet and soapy plates

 **Human Disaster** : Needless to say, I am now twenty dollars richer and bought Sandra some flowers from my favorite grocery store

 **Harls** : I take it all back

 **Harls** : you are the angel we all deserve 

**Human Disaster** : Lose an electron? 

**Human Disaster** : Gotta keep an ion it

 **Human Disaster** : Make like a proton and stay positive.

 **Human Disaster** : Want to hear a potassium joke?

 **Human Disaster** : K!

**Friday**

_**My Favorite Dumbass** _

**Harls** : can we play a different game

 **Human Disaster** : Like what?

 **Harls** : 20 questions

 **Harls** : i’ll go first

 **Harl** s: if no it’s cool though

**Human Disaster** : Eagerly awaiting your question. 

**Harls:** would you bang an alien

**Human Disaster** : Omg

 **Human Disaster:** Y e s

 **Human Disaster:** Thor hng 

**Harls** : I stan

 **Harls:** what’s your favorite lyric

 **Human Disaster** : My favorite color is yoooou. You’re viberaaaating out my freeeequencyyy

 **Harls** : would you like to read minds

 **Human Disaster** : No thank you

 **Human Disaster** : I don’t need to know how much people hate me. 

**Harls** : slander

 **Harls** : no one can hate you

 **Harls** : have you seen you

 **Harls** : i m p o s s i b l e to hate

 **Human Disaster** : Agree to disagree

 **Harls** : what is your happiest memory

 **Human Disaster:** When I was little my aunt and uncle took me to the Stark Expo even though they didn’t exactly have money for and bought me this really shitty Iron Man mask. 

**Human Disaster** : Ben put me on his shoulders so I could see the stage and May bought us this weird strawberry and pineapple ice-cream. 

**Human Disaster** : And like, I met Iron Man and saw him blow up an evil android thing and it was all pretty great 

**Human Disaster** : I think about it whenever I start to really miss Ben.

 **Harls** : does Ben work in a hospital too

 **Human Disaster** : Oh

 **Human Disaster** : No.

 **Human Disaster** : He was a cop and he died a few years ago

 **Harls** : oh

 **Harls** : he sounds great

 **Human Disaster** : Yeah, he was the best.

**Human Disaster** : Can I ask some now? 

**Harls** : yeah man, shoot

 **Human Disaster** : What was your favorite TV show as a kid?

 **Harls** : fairly odd parents

 **Harls** : cosmo is my spirit animal

 **Human Disaster** : What was your best ever Halloween costume?

 **Harls** : That year I was Sandy Cheeks

 **Human Disaster** : Omg pic please

 **Harls** : I’ll find you one

 **Human Disaster** : What’s the best song lyric ever?

 **Harls** : literally all i can think of is 

**Harls** : “and we danced all night to the best song evahhh”

 **Harls** : I don’t agree with it but I’m sticking with it

 **Human Disaster** : Who’s your favorite superhero?

 **Harls** : real or fake

 **Harls** : fake Wonder Woman cuz she is a literal god

 **Harls** : real 

**Harls** : your aunt

 **Human Disaster** : Stop you’ll make me cry

 **Harls** : who’s yours

 **Human Disaster:** Idk man Iron Man is pretty great

 **Harls:** nah he’s a little bitch

 **Human Disaster** : Omg 

**Human Disaster:** 😂😂😂😂😂😂

 **Harls** : is Iron Man your hero

 **Human Disaster:** I mean

 **Human Disaster:** He did save me once 

**Human Disaster:** But I also want to be half the man Ben was 

**Human Disaster** : And May is everything I want to be when I get older. 

**Harls** : what’s your favorite thing about yourself

 **Human Disaster** : Oh god, idk

 **Human Disaster** : My ability to make friends with dogs

 **Human Disaster** : Same to you

 **Harls:** my mind

 **Harls** : it’s all I had for a long time 

**Human Disaster:** What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? 

**Harls** : you

 **Harls** : have you ever dined and dashed at a restaurant

 **Harls** : who am I kidding

 **Harls** : you’re too nice to do that

_**The Gang** _

**Gwen** : omg

 **Gwen** : i am freaking out for u

 **Harley** : why did I send that

 **Harley** : GWEN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY IMPULSE CONTROL

 **Gwen** : harley

 **Gwen** : u know i’m good for legit only 3 things

 **Gwen** : tacos

 **Gwen** : biology

 **Gwen** : and encouragement over stupid decisions

 **Harley** : that is the longest sentence you have ever typed in a message

_**My Favorite Dumbass** _

**Human Disaster** : If you had to be trapped on a deserted island with one friend who would it be?

 **Human Disaster** : And saying me is a cop out I will not allow!

 **Harls** : not fucking Bryan

 **Human Disaster** : I mean obvi

 **Harls:** Kevin

 **Harls:** same to you

 **Human Disaster:** Ned’s great with computers but not so great with hunting or anything? And Harry would be useless at anything but business decisions. 

**Human Disaster:** Uhhhh

 **Human Disaster** : Matt

 **Human Disaster** : He’s weirdly resourceful. 

**Harls** : how is Matt resourceful

 **Human Disaster** : He’s a blind lawyer that taught me how to punch properly. 

**Human Disaster** : He’s like my favorite grumpy teddy bear

 **Harls** : omfg 

**Harls** : I want to meet this badass

 **Human Disaster** : Would you rather have been in a marching band or debate team in high school? 

**Harls** : 😂😂😂😂

 **Harls** : I was in both

 **Human Disaster** : Omg you neeeeeeerd

 **Human Disaster** : High School Musical or Glee?

 **Harls** : this question is unfair

 **Harls** : there is no correct answer

 **Human Disaster** : The correct answer is Victorious

 **Harls** : you’re right you’re right

**Saturday**

**Harls** : name for a name with no context

 **Human Disaster:** Wait what

 **Harls** : people in your life 

**Harls** : no context

 **Harls** : just names

 **Harls** : 1

 **Harls** : 2

 **Harls** : 3

 **Harls:** go

 **Harls** : Abby

 **Human Disaster** : Omg

 **Human Disaster** : Okay

 **Human Disaster** : May

 **Harls** : Gwen

 **Human Disaster** : Ned

 **Harls** : Lyanna

 **Human Disaster** : Ben

 **Harls** : Bryan 😡

 **Human Disaster** : Harry

 **Harls** : Luke

 **Human Disaster** : Matt

 **Harls** : Myron

 **Human Disaster** : Why do so many names have y’s?

 **Human Disaster** : MJ

 **Harls** : Chrissy

 **Human Disaster** : Tony

 **Harls** : oh hey I know one of those too

 **Harls** : imagine if they were the same guy lmao

 **Human Disaster** : Hahaha

 **Harls** : Giano

 **Human Disaster** : Lyla 

**Harls** : Vic

 **Human Disaster** : Sam

 **Harls** : Ute

 **Human Disaster** : Wanda 

**Harls** : Rachel

 **Human Disaster** : Wade

 **Harls** : Jane

 **Human Disaster** : Richard

 **Harls** : Martin

 **Human Disaster** : Mary

 **Harls** : Harley

 **Human Disaster** : James x2

 **Harls** : Kevin

 **Human Disaster** : Urie 

**Harls** : Uh… Jan

 **Harls** : I don’t know many people

 **Harls** : I don’t like people

 **Human Disaster** : Sandra!

 **Human Disaster** : Nora

 **Human Disaster:** Ryan

 **Human Disaster:** Daisy

 **Human Disaster** : Karen x2

 **Harls:** okay okay

 **Harls** : you win

 **Human Disaster** : Yaaaay!!!!

 **Human Disaster** : What’s my prize?!  
  


**Harls** : Harley

 **Harls** : My name is Harley

  
_**The Boyz** _

**Human Disaster:** Fuck. 

  
  


  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONE DAY my formatting will be spotless
> 
> And ONE DAY our lives will be so much easier than they are today. Stay safe, loves. 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are appreciated ❤


	3. Wait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SCREAMING with everyone's comments. 
> 
> Guys your love is making me so humble. 
> 
> I really have zero control over where this story goes, guys, Peter and Harley decide for me. 
> 
> I've seen some people are trying to reach out on discord? My username there is: whenandwhere if anyone wants to chat 😂.

**Saturday**

**_The Boyz_ **

**Harry:** lmao

**Ned:** Peter never swears!

**Pete:** what do I doooo???? 😭😭😭😭

**Ned:** Idk man it's a weird situation you're in?

**Harry:** tell him ur peter-man 

**Harry:** long live spider parker 

**Ned:** middle name?

**Harry** : lmao say ur ned

**Ned** : say you're Spider-man! 

**Harry** : dude he's seen his face

**Pete:** You two are literally no help

**Harry** : lmao man i never claimed to be

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Human Disaster:** I didn't want that 😭😭😭😭

**Harls:** I hated being Not-Ned

**Harls:** now I can be me in your phone

**Harls:** don't feel obligated or anything

**Harls:** you'll always be my Human Disaster

**Human Disaster:** [Peter](https://pin.it/132zHrV)

**Human Disaster:** I don't know if I'm okay with you knowing my name yet 

**Harls:** that's okay

**Human** **Disaster:** But like

**Human Disaster:** I don't want to mess this up

**Human Disaster:** And I tend to mess things up when people know who I am 

**Human Disaster:** So can we just like?

**Human Disaster:** Stay how we are for a little bit longer?

**Harls:** yes

**Harls:** of course

**Harls:** for however long you want me

**_The Gang_ **

**Harls:** I'm gone

**Gwen:** give me the pic

**Gwen:** !!!!!!!

**Gwen:** u r the luckiest person 

**Gwen:** in the middle of a pandemic

**Harls:** i am soft

**Harls:** i am cuddly

**Harls:** i am g o o 

**Gwen:** i want to seeeeeee

**Harls:** i promised not to

**Harls:** i don't break promises 

**Gwen:** 😭😭😭😭

**Sunday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Human Disaster:** Sometimes I start thinking about what's going on and I have to abort my own brain

**Human Disaster:** A plus to staying in a hotel: I don't have to buy toilet paper

**Harls:** lucky 

**Harls:** i went to 10 stores and found none

**Harls:** the toilet paper wars have won

**Harls:** i am defeated 

**Human Disaster:** I'll send you some!!!! 

**Harls:** such kind

**Harls:** but stranger danger rules say I can't send you my address 

**Human Disaster:** I'm a Stranger Danger Ranger! 

**Harls:** kimmy meet your sister key-mi

**Human Disaster:** You need to make like a 30 year old white woman and settle.

**Harls:** ictolmy 

**Harls:** I'm sure I butchered that spelling 😂

**Human** **Disaster:** Just take it 10 seconds at a tiiiime

**Human Disaster:** ngl that's been my motto this whole time

**Human Disaster:** Like if Kimmy can survive 10 years in a bunker I can survive however long we're stuck here in a hotel

**Harls:** well

**Harls:** mom just got furloughed

**Harls:** we are now down to 2 working members in this family

**Human Disaster:** One is Abby and the other is…

**Harls:** me

**Human Disaster:** Kevin? 

**Human Disaster:** Oh you

**Human Disaster:** What's your job? 

**Harls:** Kevin's job is to be the best mom she can be

**Harls:** my job is IT for the school's servers

**Human Disaster:** That sounds f a n c y

**Harls:** thanks I hate it

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Peter:** So like

**Tony:** No.

**Peter:** Spider-man would be really helpful right now.

**Tony:** Kid no. 

**Peter:** I could like… deliver groceries and bring people to hospitals 

**Tony:** We don't know how this disease will affect you with your mutation

**Peter:** I'm pretty sure I can't get it.

**Tony:** But what if you can get it? And you just get it worse? 

**Tony:** And you then get everyone at the hotel sick? 

**Tony:** What about that lady that you've been talking to? Do you want her to get sick?

**Peter:** I could help! 

**Tony:** Kid

**Tony:** You have been helping. 

**Peter:** Not enough. 

**Tony:** The world needs Peter Parker right now. 

**Tony:** Not your eight legged friend. 

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Human Disaster:** I'm not afraid of dying but I am afraid of failing this test

**Harls** : mood

**Harls:** power naps are great 

**Harls:** you can build up charge with them 

**Human Disaster:** I don't nap

**Human Disaster:** Naps are for babies and I am not a baby

**Harls:** have you seen you

**Harls:** you b a b a y

**_The Gang_ **

**Harley:** i want to say

**Harley:** you babe 

**Gwen:** do it

**Gwen:** u coward

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Human Disaster:** I made May and the other nurses in her unit a care package 

**Human Disaster:** Since they don't get time to eat usually

**Human Disaster:** And the cafeteria closed

**Human Disaster:[Care Package](https://pin.it/3R1J5sL)**

**Harls:** why is this so cute

**Harls:** i made cookies for Abby's work peeps

**Harls:** i also installed a bidet today so we don't have to buy toilet paper

**Human Disaster:** S m a r t 

**Human Disaster:** Were the cookies any good? 

**Harls:** god no

**Harls:** i am an engineer not a baker

**Human Disaster:** Cooking is just chemistry

**Human Disaster:** and Chemistry is just Math 

**Harls:** stop lying to me

**Harls:** i bet you're great at baking

**Harls:** like you are with everything else

**Human Disaster:** God stop

**Human Disaster:** I tried to do a backflip, kicked over and broke a lamp

**Human Disaster:** And spilled my orange juice all over my bed 😫 

**Harls:** how even

**Harls:** what even 😂😂😂😂

**Harls:** are you okay

**Human Disaster:** I mean I have a bruise on my elbow

**Human Disaster:** But I'm fine 

**Harls:** can you even do a backflip???? 

**Human Disaster:** Yes!!!!! 

**Human Disaster:** I just did it inside and the ceiling was too low

**Harls:** proof or it didn't happen

**Human Disaster:** Are you challenging me good sir?

**Harls:** obviously

**Human** **Disaster:** [Peter Backflip Videos](https://pin.it/3kci1Ug)

**Harls:** 😮 

**Harls:** no

**Harls:** ujhh

**_The Gang_ **

**Harley:** ngh 

**Gwen:** wat

**Harley:** abs

**Harley:** t a k e m e 

**Gwen:** s e x t t i m e 

**Harley:** i am a goo 

**Harley:** b.r.o.k.e.n. 

**Gwen:** rip 

**Gwen:** the gayest disaster to ever exist

**Gwen:** a good frend would send it 

**Harley:** i keep my promises

**Gwen:** u just want it all 4 urself

**Harley:** 🤷♀️

**Harley:** you right

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** what's your favorite song 

**Harls:** right now

**Harls:** at this very moment

**Human Disaster:** uhm

**Human Disaster:** Uhm Uhm Uhm

**Human Disaster:** I'm listening to Toss a Coin to Your Witcher on repeat today

**Harls:** this is better than i expected 

**Harls:** I've been blasting green eyes by joseph in the workshop all day

**Human Disaster:** You have a workshop? 

**Harls:** lol yeh

**Harls:** this asshat broke my garage and then made me a new one after i saved his life

**Human Disaster:** wtf 😂😂😂😂

**Harls:** is what it feels like

**Harls:** to be you

**Human Disaster:** What? 

**Harls:** i like this

**Harls:** i like being on the ominous side 

**Harls:** I'm not going to expand on this more

**Harls:** man of mystery 

**Harls:** what am I in your phone now?

**Human Disaster:** Not-Ned

**Harls:** you little bitch

**Human Disaster:** 😇

**Human Disaster:** Am I still Human Disaster?

**Harls:** forever and always

**Human Disaster:** Is this the song?

**Human Disaster:** [Green Eyes ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFkOQsQQHAc&list=PLvZDEmDXSjbP_9tVA4OMJpG2cSOdEQMRA&index=3&t=0s)

**Harls:** yes

**Harls:** i love it

**Human Disaster:** I didn't like it at first 

**Human Disaster:** But then the chorus started 

**Human Disaster:** And now it's stuck in my head

**_The Gang_ **

**Gwen:** u sent him the song didn't u

**Harls:** yee

**Gwen:** lol loser

**_The Boyz_ **

**Harry:** [Pancakes](https://pin.it/7EcwRwD)

**Harry:** pancake bitchez

**Ned:** Send some

**Ned:** I want human food

**Pete:** Har it's like 2am

**Ned:** Dude you ordered chicken nuggets like ten minutes ago

**Pete:** Stop exposing me like this. 

**Monday**

**Human Disaster:** I took Daisy on a walk today 

**Harls:** Abby did a photoshoot with the chicks

**Human Disaster:** [Daisy](https://pin.it/6Ren2Ja)

**Harls:** [Baby Kevin's](https://pin.it/2L8Bs3s)

**Human Disaster:** Omg

**Human Disaster:** She made them skirts 

**Harls:** i would die for Daisy 

**Human Disaster:** Please don't 

**Human Disaster:** Daisy would never forgive herself 

**Harls:** no

**Harls:** i would fall apart if Daisy didn't love me 

**Human Disaster:** A plus to online classes: I can freeze the video frame to minutes before I started crying over test stress

**Harls:** wait no

**Harls:** don't cry

**Human Disaster:** too late

**Harls:** Customer: Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs?

**Harls:** Sales Rep: For what?

**Harls:** customer: No, two.

**Harls:** Sales Rep: Two what?

**Harls:** customer: Yes.

**Harls:** Sales Rep: No.

**Harls:** [Kevin](https://pin.it/4prBY0B)

**Harls:** how did you meet that guy you know

**Human Disaster:** Funny story

**Human Disaster:** I made a stupid youtube video

**Human Disaster:** And I guess he saw it? 

**Human Disaster:** Next thing I know I'm on a plane to Germany and are an official intern to Stark Industries 

**Harls:** wait

**Human Disaster:** What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?

**Human Disaster:** That’s as-salt!

**Human Disaster:** What do you call a nonsensical felon?

**Human Disaster:** A silicon

**Human Disaster:** What does a photon say when the bellboy asks if he needs any help with his luggage?

**Human Disaster:** “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

**Human Disaster:** I wish I was adenine.

**Human Disaster:** Then I could get paired with U.

**Harls:** wait

**Harls:** WAIT

**Human Disaster:** Why do you hate Bryan so much? 

**Harls:** cuz he's a little bitch 

**Harls:** WAIT

**Human Disaster:** STOP TELLING ME TO WAIT

**Harls:** W A I T

**Human Disaster:** I mean Tony isn't even the most impressive billionaire I've ever met

**Human Disaster:** like have you ever SEEN Harry Osborn? 

**Human Disaster:** I would have his babies if he wasn't such a disgusting person to live with

**Harls:** you know Harry Osborn?!

**Harls:** wait 

**Harls:** do you know Norman Osborn?! 

**Harls:** WAIT

**Harls:** TONY 

**Human Disaster:** lol yeah 

**Human Disaster:** Norman's an ass

**Harls:** TONY

**Harls:** I KNOW TONY 

**Human Disaster:** WAIT

**Harls:** WAIT 

**Human Disaster:** WAIT

**Harls:** WAIT

**Human Disaster:** WAIT

**Harls:** WAIT

**Human Disaster:** WAIT

**Harls:** WAIT

**Human Disaster:** WAIT

**Harls:** WAIT

**Human Disaster:** WAIT

**Harls:** WAIT

**Human Disaster:** WAIT

**Harls:** WAIT

**Human Disaster:** WAIT

**Harls:** WAIT

**Human Disaster:** WAIT

**Harls:** WAIT

**Human Disaster:** WAIT

**Harls:** WAIT

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Peter:** Harley

**Tony:** No this is Tony

**Peter:** smh

**_The Gang_ **

**Gwen:** im dying

**Harley:** how

**Gwen:** wat even

**Harley:** does not compute

**Gwen:** 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

**Harley:** brb 

**Harley:** i am gonna go scream into a pillow forever 

**_The Boyz_ **

**Ned:** Pete

**Ned:** 😂😂😂😂😂

**Pete:** 😭😭😭😭

**Harry:** lmao wat is ur life

**Pete:** 😭😭😭😭😭😭

**Harry:** dude 

**Ned:** I'm d y i n g

**Harry:** how even 

**Ned:** Out of all the people

**Pete:** I'm screaming 

**Harry:** im cry

**Ned:** I'm telling MJ

**Pete:** NO

**Pete:** SHE WON'T LET IT GO

**_Bitch Please_ **

**MJ:** lol

**MJ:** loser

**Peter:** MJ no 😫😭

**Tuesday**

**Harls:** ignoring what happened yesterday

**Harls:** here is Kevin 

**Harls:** and Kevin's sister 

**Harls:** [Kevin](https://pin.it/14QqP7U)

**Human Disaster:** I love this 

**Human Disaster:** My prof: "Are you handling everything okay?" 

**Human Disaster:** me while eating my third pint of ice cream: "Yes of course." 

**Harls:** me and my neighbor just played catch with his kid's barbie doll for like 3 hours 

**Human Disaster:** Why a Barbie? 

**Harls:** why not

**Human Disaster:** point

**Harls:** is this weird now

**Harls:** i don't want this to be weird now 

**Harls:** pls can it not be weird now

**_Wednesday_ **

**Human Disaster:** Can we play a game? 

**Human Disaster:** Word association? 

**Harls:** pls

**Harls:** pls yes

**Harls:** i missed you yesterday 

**Harls:** and trig is dumb

**Human Disaster:** Sorry

**Harls:** no it's okay

**Harls:** you're allowed to stop talking

**Human Disaster:** I don't know what to say

**Harls:** let's just play the game? 

**Human Disaster:** Okay

**Human Disaster:** Pineapple

**Harls:** pizza

**Human Disaster:** monster

**Harls:** mash

**Human Disaster:** we did the monster mash

**Harls:** we did the mash

**Human Disaster:** it was a graveyard smash

**Harls:** mashed potatoes 

**Human Disaster:** hash

**Harls:** browns

**Human Disaster:** brownies

**Harls:** baking

**Human Disaster:** chemistry

**Harls:** Disgusting 

**Human Disaster:** Green

**Harls:** eggs 

**Human** **Disaster:** and ham

**Harls:** sam i am

**Human Disaster:** wilson

**Harls:** tom hanks

**Human Disaster:** Buzz Lightyear 

**Harls:** woody! 

**Human Disaster:** jerk 🤦♂️

**Harls:** 🤣🤣

**Harls:** Bryon

**Human** **Disaster:** Eugene

**Harls:** burger

**Human Disaster:** fries! 

**Harls:** Lela

**Human Disaster:** Donna 

**Harls:** companion 

**Human Disaster:** Friend

**Harls:** Gwen

**Human Disaster:** Game

**Harls:** monopoly 

**Human Disaster:** money

**Harls:** government

**Human Disaster:** corruption 

**Harls:** cops

**Human Disaster:** Urie! 

**Harls:** Brandon 😂

**Human Disaster:** Dance

**Harls:** middle school

**Human Disaster:** asthma

**Harls:** lungs 

**Human Disaster:** Breathe 

**Harls:** name

**Human Disaster:** Peter

**Harls:** pettigrew 

**Harls:** wait

**Human Disaster:** OH NO

**Harls:** are you

**Human** **Disaster:** OH NO

**_The Boyz_ **

**Pete:** ABORT

**Harry:** lol loser 

**Ned:** I regret ever setting you up with MJ

**Pete:** HELP

**Harry:** lmao no

**Pete:** NED

**Ned:** lmao no

**Pete:** 😟😟😟😟

**_The Gang_ **

**Harls:** GWENDOLYN

**Gwen:** 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

**Thursday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** Peter

**Peter:** No

**Harls:** P e t e r 

**Peter:** s t r a n g e r d a n g e r

**Harls:** P E T E R 

**Peter:** Harley

**Harls:** that's my name 

**Harls:** don't wear it out

**Peter:** H a r l e y 

**Harls:** P e t e r 

**Peter:** [Daisy](https://pin.it/2r76muY)

**Harls:** why does your name fit you so well

**Peter:** Please stop 😫😫😫😫

**Harls:** P e t e r 

**Peter:** I hate you 😭😭😭😭

**Peter:** No

**Peter:** I don't 

**Peter:** I don't hate you 

**_The Roomie_ **

**Harry** : now tell him u want to climb him like a tree

**Peter:** Harry no


	4. Let's Get Serious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow this chapter took a serious turn and I was Not Prepared.
> 
> I suggest clicking on the links otherwise you're missing out on some quality content such as AJR covering "Location" and Haley Reinhart's smooth smooth voice.

**  
  
  
  
Harls:** today’s mood

**Harls:** singing along loudly to lizzo while washing dishes

**Harls:** Kevin is feeling the v i b e

**Peter:** CUZ I’M MY OWN SOULMATE

**Peter:** I KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME   


**Peter:** I KNOW I’M ALWAYS GONNA HOLD ME DOWN

**Harls:** look up in the mirror like damn she the one

**Peter:** Wait 

**Peter:** So Tony Stark broke your garage

**Peter:** And then made you a new one? 

**Harls:** lol yeh

**Harls:** he fell through the roof

**Harls:** and then i fixed his suit, saved his life, and he left with barely a toodleloo over his shoulder

**Peter:** You’re not angry about that at all….

**Harls:** oh no

**Harls:** he was fine

**Harls:** sent a card with $10,000 when i graduated

**Harls:** but never really showed up again

**Harls:** 🤷♂️

**Peter:** That sounds

**Harls:** he’s not my dad, lol

**Harls:** i don’t really need him around

**Peter:** Sounds legit

**Harls:** really

**Harls:** don’t worry

**Harls:** 😂😂😂😂

**Harls:** Peter

**Peter:** yes Harley

**Harls:** i have a v important question

**Peter:** Okie

**Harls:** what is the first song to come to your mind right now

**Peter:** Location

**Harls:** dope

**Harls:** [Harley Sings](https://youtu.be/KxVbwXJF7GQ)

**Peter:** Wait

**Peter:** Who is this

**Harls:** lol

**Peter:** IS THIS YOU

**Peter:** IS THIS YOU SINGING   


**Peter:** IS THIS VOICE YOURS

**Harls:** yeh

**Harls:** i was bored

**Peter:** I’m crying

**Peter:** This is so good

**Harls:** lol no it’s not

**Harls:** this is trash

**Peter:** G o l d

**Harls:** t r a s h

**Peter:** Golden trash then

**Harls:** i’ll take it

**Peter:** I can’t stop listening

**Peter:** Your voice is so smooth????

**Peter:** You somehow made the song so much better????

**_The Boyz_ **

**Ned:** I swear if I stare at one more line of code I might lose my eyesight

**Harry:** go to the virtual board meeting for me pls

**Pete:** I might be in trouble guys

**Harry:** like real trouble or 

**Ned** : Mr Stark told you not to go out!

**Pete:** A Peter problem

**Ned** : Oh

**Harry** : i swear

**Harry:** if this is about that dude

**Pete:** HE CAN SING

**Harry** : omg pete idc

**Harry:** just bang him already 

**Pete:** 😡😡😡😡

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls** : bad joke for bad joke?

**Harls:** why don’t oysters donate to charity? 

**Harls:** because they’re shellfish.

**Peter:** What does a baby computer call its father?

**Peter:** Data!

**Harls:** what did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet

**Harls:** SUPPLIES!

**Peter:** Why are colds bad criminals?

**Peter:** Because they’re so easy to catch!

**Harls** : how does a penguin build its house

**Harls:** igloos them together

**Peter:** Which knight invented King Arthur’s table?

**Peter:** Sir Cumference

**Harls:** what do sprinters eat before a race

**Harls:** nothing

**Harls:** they fast

**Peter:** How can you find Will Smith in the snow?

**Peter:** You follow fresh prints.

**Harls:** oh thank god that didn’t end how i thought it was going to

**Peter:** How did you think it was going to end?

**Harls:** think about it

**Peter:** Omg

**Peter:** No!

**Peter:** Harley no!

**Harls:** i didn’t say it

**Harls:** can you tell me how you know Harry Osborn?

**Peter:** My parents used to work with his dad so we kind of grew up together?

**Peter:** But then my parents died, his mom died, Norman went crazy, and they moved to Boston. 

**Peter:** We kept in like vague contact. 

**Peter:** And now we’re roomies!

**Harls** : i met Gwen like our first day of classes

**Harls:** if i was straight i’d be married to her

**Peter:** My ex girlfriend came out to my family for me when she broke up with me at a picnic

**Harls:** how 😂😂😂😂

**Peter:** MJ “Listen, Peter, I love you and I respect you but we both need to get laid by someone that actually enjoys it.” 

**Harls:** omfg

**Harls:** what

**Peter:** It was fine. May just laughed so hard she choked on her potato salad and then pat my cheek and told me to find a nice boy. 

**Peter:** MJ and Harry are dating now

**Harls** : what even 

**Harls:** how is this your life

**Peter:** Man I ask myself that everyday

**Monday**

**Peter:** I really miss photography

**Peter:** Daisy is getting really annoyed with being my only photography subject

**Harls** : you do photography?

**Peter** : Yeah it’s a nice break from formulas and saving the world

**Harls:** lol i bet

**Harls:** do you have any pics?

**Peter** : Yeah hold on

**Peter** : [Boston](https://pin.it/4CSKVvB)

**Peter:** [Boston](https://pin.it/13DMcNT)

**Peter:** [New York](https://pin.it/2pAaHu2)

**Peter:** [May](https://pin.it/5AV66JW)

**Harls:** these are really good????

**Harls:** like i know nothing about photography but they’re actually really impressive

**Peter** : Thank you! 

**Peter:** I haven’t been able to take pictures for so looooong

**Peter:** I took one photography class in freshman year and I’ve been obsessed ever since

**Harls:** someone hacked into my class zoom meeting and starting posting links to Rick Roll everyone

**Peter** : Someone forgot to turn off their mic during class and we all had to pretend like we couldn’t hear them having sex

**Harls:** omg what 

**Harls:** 😮😮😮😮

**Peter:** It all seemed embarrassingly one sided

**Harls:** what the actual

**Peter:** I’m trying to rationalize it

**Harls:** your face is really red right now isn’t it

**Peter:** Please stop exposing me

**Harls:** to yourself?

**Peter** : I don’t need to be acknowledging how scarring that was

**Harls:** someone has to be getting laid during this quarantine

**Peter:** Please stop

**Harls:** did your face just get redder?

**Peter:** nngh

**Harls:** i promise i’m laughing at your expense

**_The Gang_ **

**Gwen:** update on the hottie

**Harls:** still hot

**Gwen:** yessss

**Gwen:** get it boy

**_My Chat with a Goddess_ **

**May:** I can’t wait until this is all over and I get to squish your face

**Peter:** I miss hugging people

**Peter:** 🙃

**May:** Aw baby

**May:** Want me to call on my break?

**Peter:** It’s not the same

**May:** I know. 

**May:** We made it through college. We can make it through this.

**Peter** : I know

**Peter:** A call would be nice

**May:** You got it, Pete

**May:** All the girls want to say hi too

**May:** You’re very missed here. 

**May:** Not just by me

**Peter:** ❤

**May:** ❤

**Tuesday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** I can’t sleep

**Harls:** bold of you to assume i ever sleep

**Peter** : I hope I didn’t wake you up

**Harls:** nah

**Harls:** don’t worry about it

**Harls:** what’s up

**Peter:** I talked to May before bed tonight

**Peter** : And I want to hug her so much

**Peter** : This is worse than Ben

**Harls:** aw Peter

**Peter:** When Ben was gone he was gone, you know?

**Peter:** I couldn’t talk to him and see him and not touch him

**Peter** : It was like a clean break

**Harls:** i wish i could help

**Peter** : I just don’t want to be alone

**Harls:** you’re not alone

**Peter** : Physically, I am

**Harls:** i really want to hug you right now

**Peter** : I really want a hug right now

**Harls:** so my dad left when i was like 10

**Harls:** went out to buy cigarettes and never came back

**Harls:** and then Tony Stark fell into my garage 

**Harls** : and left as quick as he came

**Harls** : and my life was pretty normal after that, ya know

**Harls:** but then you literally came out of nowhere

**Harls:** and i don’t know what i want out of talking to you

**Harls:** but the first thing i do when i wake up is check to see if you texted me

**Harls:** and all i do all day is think about what stupid thing i can text you next

**Harls:** and i’ve never even seen you smile before

**Harls:** but it’s like the one thing i want to do

**Harls:** and this is so weird

**Harls:** so w e i r d 

**Harls:** but i don’t think i’d be able to handle anything that was happening if it weren’t for you

**Harls:** i guess what i’m trying to say is

**Harls:** i want you to be so happy

**Harls:** and i hate that you’re not

**Peter** : May sent me a thing

**Peter:** [Pillow](https://pin.it/7cuZhPp)

**Peter:** I am never letting go of this

**Harls:** i wish i had what you had with her

**Harls:** my mom’s great but she’s never really gone out of her way to get to know us

**Peter:** ❤

**Harls:** ❤

**_The Gang_ **

**Gwen:** u ok boo?

**Harls:** yeh

**Harls:** no

**Harls:** working on it

**Gwen:** wats got u down

**Harls:** just

**Gwen:** i see

**Gwen:** i miss u

**Harls:** god i miss you too

**Gwen:** [Gwen](https://pin.it/6BFMu01)

**Gwen:** we’ll get through this

**Harls:** we always do

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring what you sent this morning

**Peter:** I’m not good at keeping people around

**Peter:** I think May, Ned, Harry, Tony, and MJ are the exceptions

**Peter:** Everyone else goes away somehow

**Peter:** I think I’d be happy to put you on that list too

**Wednesday**

**Harls:** i found a band you must listen to

**Peter:** Intriguing

**Peter:** Tell me more

**Harls:** [Delta Rae](https://youtu.be/xzIkBoYFVx4)

**Peter:** This is a bop

**Peter** : They are a bop

**Harls:** yeeeeeh boyyy

**Harls:** [Kevin's Home](https://pin.it/VYrFhUC)

**Harls:** Kevin’s home is finished

**Peter:** Majestic castle

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Peter:** I need help

**Tony:** I swear to god

**Peter:** 🙄

**Peter:** School help

**Tony** : Thank god

**Peter:** Thank you so much

**Peter:** [Physics](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https://cosmos-magazine.imgix.net/file/spina/photo/4009/030516_equations_6.jpg?ixlib%3Drails-1.1.0%26h%3D164%26w%3D657&imgrefurl=https://cosmosmagazine.com/physics/six-physics-equations-changed-course-history&tbnid=vAEFV2IC1IIO1M&vet=1&docid=5fRUCjtB-B1zoM&w=655&h=164&q=advanced+physics+equations&source=sh/x/im)

**Tony:** This will be easier to explain if I call you

**Peter:** Thank you I am dying

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** It’s pretty nice to have a literal genius around to explain physics to you

**Harls:** jealousy

**Harls:** i’m not taking physics though

**Peter:** If you ever need Chem help just ask!

**Harls:** you’re so kind

**Harls:** i hate Chem

**Harls:** but weirdly i understand it?

**Peter:** But don’t know how to cook?

**Harls:** i know how

**Harls:** i’m just not good at it

**Peter:** That means you don’t know how

**Harls:** these are fighting words P e t e r

**Peter:** Have I changed in your contacts now? 

**Harls:** i feel like this is a trick question

**Harls:** but 

**Harls:** … yes?

**Peter:** Lol why is that a question?

**Harls:** was it not a trick question?

**Peter:** No?

**Peter:** It’s weird that you know my name though

**Harls:** but not weird that you know mine?

**Peter:** No that’s weird too

**Harls:** try not to think about it too much

**Harls:** so Gwen is the real artist out of the two of us

**Harls:** mine is for fun

**Harls:** but Gwen

**Harls:** ugh

**Harls:** [Gwen Sings](https://youtu.be/fbEW8BrNctI)

**Peter:** Oh wow

**Peter:** w o w

**Harls:** right?

**Harls:** i gave Kevin a bath!

**Harls:[Kevin](https://pin.it/2hiFvT4)**

**Peter:** I want Kevin’s mohawk

**Harls:** how’s everyone over there?

**Peter:** Sandra keeps winning at Cards Against Humanity

**Peter** : Ryan is sick, though

**Peter:** So they left Daisy with me for now

**Peter:[Daisy](https://pin.it/w7HWAMs)**

**Peter:** She misses her mom and dad

**Harls:** but you have someone to hug now!

**Peter:** I don’t want Ryan to be sick though

**Harls:** i know

**Harls:** but what can you do

**Harls:** can’t beat the virus into submission

**Peter:** I guess

**Thursday**

**Harls:** this world feels so weird right now

**Harls:** i went to walmart to buy some food and they had closed down the non-essential isles and were only allowing twenty people in the store at a time

**Peter:** If this wasn’t being forced on me I think I might actually have fun

**Peter:** But in the back of my mind all I can do is think about how scary this thing actually is 

**Peter:** And I want to help but I don’t know how

**Harls:** how are making those masks going?

**Peter:** They’re going

**Peter:** I’ve only gotten them to stop 97% of particles though

**Peter:** And they’re still only good for one use

**Harls:** 97%!!!!!

**Harls:** that is

**Harls:** w o w

**Peter:** I know

**Peter:** But it’s not good enough

**Harls:** Peter

**Harls:** 97% is a m a z i n g 

**Peter:** I want at least 99%

**Peter:** And multi-use

**Peter:** But the more I block the less useful it actually is

**Peter:** Tony says the world needs me as me but I’m not DOING anything

**Harls:** please know that you’re doing something absolutely amazing

**Harls:** please don’t ever doubt that

**Peter:** You’re so sweet

**Harls:** we’ve been talking for a month

**Harls:** a m o n t h 

**Peter:** It’s only been a month?

****

**_The Gang_ **

**Harley:** Gwen

**Gwen:** bitch wat 

**Harley:** wow 

**Harley:** rude

**Harley:** maybe i was just checking in on my friend

**Gwen:** we both know that’s not tru

**Gwen:** wat did he say now

**Harley** : are you okay?

**Gwen:** ye sorry

**Gwen:** i’m just tired

**Gwen:** worried about dad

**Harley:** i have a mini panic attack every time Abby goes into work

**Gwen:** she should quit 

**Harley:** if we didn’t need the money i’d make her

**Gwen:** like she’d do anything you tried to make her

**Harley:** tru

**Harley:** you know i care about more than just Peter stuff right?

**Gwen:** wait who’s peter

**Harley:** mother fucker

**Gwen:** omg u idiot

**Gwen:** u r so bad at this

**Harley:** welp

**Harley:** byyyyye

**Gwen:** good luck explaining this to lover boy

**Harley:** omg Gwen stfu

**Gwen:** make me whore

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** pls don’t hate me

**Peter:** suspicious

**Peter:** What did you do?

**Harls:** I might have

**Harls:** COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT MIND YOU

**Harls:** told Gwen your name

**Peter:** Jfc Harley

**Harls:** i’m so sorry

**Harls** : i know you said you don’t want me to send things without permission but it just slipped

**Harls:** i swear

**Harls:** pls don’t hate me

**Harls:** pls don’t be mad

**Peter:** jfc okay

**Peter:** I’m not mad

**Peter:** A little annoyed

**Peter:** But mostly laughing tbh

**Harls:** hallelujah

**Peter:** Lol you worry so much about scaring me off

**Peter:** Trust me even without a quarantine I’m not going anywhere

**_The Boyz_ **

**Pete:** What is wrong with me

**Ned:** I mean

**Harry:** it would be shorter to list wat isnt wrong w u

**Ned:** Would you rather the list be in numerical or alphabetical order?

**Harry:** pls put his weird spider obsession on there

**Ned:** Of course

**Ned:** That’s right under his obsession with phone guy

**Harry:** wat did u do now

**Ned:** Did you spill you’re Spider-man?

**Harry:** im shook u managed to keep that a secret this long

**Harry:** from so many pple

**Peter:** You guys are the absolute worst

**Ned:** lol

**Harry:** pls dont leave us in suspense

**Peter:** I hate you two

**Harry:** lmao no u dont

**Ned:** You could just tell us

**Peter:** I…

**Peter:** I just

**Peter:** I think I might

**Harry:** oml 

**Harry:** tell him u want to sext

**Peter:** Harry I swear 

**Harry:** ull wat

**Peter:** I will swing over there and beat you with a ping pong paddle

**Ned:** So specific

**Harry:** r u sure u wouldnt rather be hitting phone boy w it

**Peter:** THAT’S IT

**Ned:** Uh-oh

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** [Harry](https://pin.it/7j3luBc)

**Peter:** This is Harry Norman Osborn

**Peter:** And he is going to die tonight

**Peter:** By my hand

**Harls:** lol no he won’t

**Peter:** No he will

**Harls:** you’re too pure to kill anyone

**Peter:** I hate everyone today

**Harls:** wait no

**Harls:** i’m sure you’ve killed many people

**Harls:** come baaack

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry:** u r blushing like a tomato arent u

**Peter:** stfu

**Harry:** lmao so yeh

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Tony:** Kid

**_My Chat with a Goddess_ **

**May:** Peter please tell me that wasn’t you

**_The Boyz_ **

**Ned:** Peter please still be at the hotel

**Harry** : seriously Pete

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry:** I swear to fucking everything Parker if you’re out there right now

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** the news just reported that Spider-man was seen in NYC????

**Harls:** ngl he’s pretty cool

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Tony:** Peter Benjamin Parker if you do not answer your phone

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** That’s not Spider-man.

**Harls:** how do you know?

**Harls:** looks like Spider-man to me

**Harls:** Peter?


	5. Arachne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like I promise it'll be happy and funny again soon???? 
> 
> But look! There's a subplot!

**Thursday**

**Peter:** Bad joke for bad joke?

 **Harls** : whoa

 **Harls** : no?

 **Harls:** you disappear for days and come back like nothing happened????

 **Peter** : Harley please

 **Peter:** I need one normal thing please

**Peter:** What do you call a belt made of watches?

 **Peter** : A waist of time! 

**Peter** : Why did Adele cross the road? 

**Peter:** To say hello from the other side

**Peter** : What did the teacher do with the students report on cheese? 

**Peter** : She grated it! 

**Peter** : How do you organize an astronomer's party? 

**Peter** : You plan-et! 

**Peter** : I want to be cremated 

**Peter:** Because it's my last chance to get a smoking hot body

**Peter** : So what if I don't know what apocalypse means? 

**Peter** : It's not like it's the end of the world! 

**Peter** : To the guy that invented zero

 **Peter** : Thanks for nothing!

**_ The Gang _ **

**Gwen** : u should answer him

 **Harley:** he ignored me for days

 **Gwen:** or had something else going on

 **Harley** : gwen

 **Gwen:** come on

 **Gwen:** it's not like ur dating 

**_ Personal Stalker _ **

**Tony** : Kid you have to answer some time 

**Tony:** I told you not to go out and you did it anyway 

**Tony** : You have to stop acting without thinking of the consequences 

**_My Chat with a Goddess_ **

**May:** Baby, I'm not angry I'm just worried 

**May** : Please talk to me

**_ The Roomies _ **

**Harry:** y r u ignoring us

**_ The Boyz _ **

**Ned:** Dude you need to talk to someone

 **Ned:** And sure we're frustrated but we're your friends

 **Ned:** You can trust us

**Friday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter** : A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. 

**Peter** : Her husband says, "It's reindeer." 

**Peter** : Have you ever been so angry you can't breathe? 

**Peter** : I feel like an elastic stretched as far as it can go

 **Peter** : just ready to

 **Peter** : snap

**Peter** : I'm tired of being told what to do

 **Peter** : I'm an adult

 **Peter:** I've played by the rules my whole life

 **Peter** : and they just keep fucking me over 

**Peter** : And it's always my fault 

**Peter** : why is it always my fault

**Peter** : I don't think I've slept in like two days 

**Peter** : do you ever want to just leave

 **Peter** : just go 

**Peter** : and never live this life again 

**Peter** : I can't do that to May

**_ Personal Stalker _ **

**Tony** : You know I can just make your phone answer my calls right? 

**_ My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Peter:** I saw a sign that says falling rocks 

**Peter** : I tried it and it doesn't 

**Harls** : i strongly dislike you sometimes 

**Peter** : I know

 **Peter** : me too

**Harls** : geology rocks

 **Harls** : but geography is where it's at

 **Peter** : Ladies if he doesn't appreciate your fruit jokes 

**Peter:** Let that mango! 

**Harls:** I would tell you an unemployment joke but 

**Harls** : none of them work

 **Peter** : What was Forest Gump's computer password? 

**Peter** : 1forest1

 **Harls** : i saw a girl today that has 12 nipples

 **Harls** : sounds great dozen tit

 **Peter** : That sounds offensive to girls

 **Harls** : 🤷♂️

**Harls:** [Kevin](https://pin.it/2N7tF3c)

 **Peter** : I missed Kevin

**Harls** : how's Daisy

 **Peter** : She's great. 

**Peter** : [Daisy](https://pin.it/1A5aq1W)

 **Harls** : she's an angel

**Harls** : i don't like the term anal bleaching

 **Peter** : What 😂

 **Harls** : i prefer "changing your ring tone" 

**Peter** : omfg 

**Harls** : 🙃

**Peter** : Thank you

 **Peter** : For talking to me again

 **Peter** : I promise I didn't mean to ignore you 

**Peter:** Some things just

 **Peter** : Happened 

**Peter** : And I couldn't get to my phone but

 **Peter** : All I could think about was that I didn't get to say goodbye 

**Peter** : Or tell you how great you've been 

**Peter** : And it just made the whole thing worse

 **Peter** : And I just

 **Peter** : I missed you so much 

**Harls** : are you okay?

**Peter** : Fundamentally no

 **Peter** : Physically yes 

**Harls** : do you want to talk about it

 **Peter** : No

 **Harls** : okay

 **Harls** : Abby punched a middle aged man the other day because he told her she looked good for a small town girl

 **Harls** : i have never been prouder in my life

**_ Team Red _ **

**Wade:** i found some info 4 u bby boy

 **Peter** : What you got? 

**Wade:** i 4warded it 2 ur email

 **Peter** : Thanks Wade 

**Wade:** 😘😘😘😘

**Matt** : If you need help you'll call, right Peter? 

**Matt** : This sort of thing shouldn't be confronted alone. 

**Wade** : 😲😲😲 how r u typing dd

 **Peter** : You know you can talk into your phone and have it type out the message for you

 **Wade** : 😲😲😲😲 bby boy u blo my mind

**_ Personal Stalker _ **

**Tony** : Whatever you're doing, Peter, stop. 

**Tony** : Nothing is important enough for you to put yourself in danger. 

**Tony** : Answer your aunt. 

**_My Conversation with a Goddess_ **

**Peter** : With great power comes great responsibility 

**May** : You know he wouldn't want this for you. 

**Peter** : Crime doesn't stop just because a pandemic happens

 **Peter** : Please May

 **May** : Ben never meant this

 **May** : Please just… please think about how important you were to him

 **May** : He never would have told you to sacrifice yourself

 **Peter** : we'll never know though will we? 

**Peter** : If I don't do anything and someone dies or gets hurt… 

**Peter** : May that's on me

 **Peter** : I don't think I can handle anymore being on me 

**May:** At what cost baby

 **May** : When does it cost too much? 

**_Softest Assassin _ **

**Peter** : What do you know about an agent called Arachne? 

**James B:** I'll call you when Sam goes to bed

**Saturday**

**_ My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Peter:** I might murder Tony Stark 

**Harls** : lol do it

 **Harls** : what did he do this time? 

**Peter:** Text lecturing 

**Peter** : He keeps calling even though I keep ignoring the calls

 **Harls** : wouldn't it just be easier to just 

**Harls** : idk

 **Harls** : answer the call 

**Peter:** No

 **Peter:** No offense but 

**Peter** : You don't really know how he is

 **Harls** : tell me then 

**Peter** : He never really

 **Peter** : Lets things go

 **Harls** : i mean 

**Harls** : maybe he's just concerned

 **Peter** : I know he's concerned 

**Peter** : But I'm an adult 

**Peter** : I can handle things on my own

 **Harls** : but maybe you don't have to

 **Harls** : maybe that's the point

**Peter** : [New York](https://pin.it/6fIvdkI)

**Peter** : The city is so quiet 

**Harls** : yeh it's weird how quiet everything is 

**Peter:** The city is never quiet

 **Peter** : I downloaded a white noise app on my phone that plays noises of the city so I can sleep

 **Harls** : you really are a city boy huh 

**Peter** : Born and raised

 **Harls:** what's your favorite part of the city? 

**Peter** : The people

 **Peter** : Everyone talks about New Yorkers like they're so self centered 

**Peter** : But really they all just revolve so neatly around each other and help each other when it's really needed 

**Peter** : And Bostonians are just l o u d

 **Peter** : But like loudly loving? 

**Peter** : Like when they call you an asshole in traffic they're also saying they'd fight someone off with a baseball bat if they hear you scream for help

 **Harls** : that sounds pretty great tbh

 **Harls** : most people here know everything about you

 **Harls** : small town politics are exhausting

 **Peter** : I used to think I wanted to live somewhere everyone knew my name

 **Harls** : you don't 

**Harls** : trust me

 **Peter** : I like having my secrets tbh

 **Harls** : i had no idea

 **Harls** : international man of m y s t e r y

 **Peter** : 😂😂😂😂

**Harls** : wait

 **Harls** : did you go out into the city to take that picture

 **Peter** : No???? 

**Harls** : smh 

**Harls** : pls just be safe

**Peter:** I am

 **Peter** : I promise

**_Personal Stalker _ **

**Tony:** Seriously kid

 **Tony:** What were you doing in Hell's Kitchen

**Peter:** Seriously

 **Peter:** Your stalking is getting ridiculous 

**Peter** : Back off Tony

**Tony** : You don't get to do this

 **Tony** : There is a pandemic Pete

 **Tony** : We need Peter Parker not Spider-man 

**Peter** : Back. Off. 

**Tony** : What are we supposed to do if Peter dies? 

**Tony** : What if you get everyone at the hotel sick? 

**Peter** : I'm not staying at the hotel. 

**Tony** : Fucking hell, Parker

 **Tony:** You're acting like a child. 

**Tony** : Go back to the hotel 

**Peter:** I'm an adult, Tony

 **Peter** : And you're not my dad. 

**_ Team Red _ **

**Peter** : Thanks for letting me crash at yours, Matt

 **Matt** : No problem 

**Wade** : u crash w him but not me

 **Peter** : You're not even in the country, Wade 😂

 **Matt:** Peter is not staying with you Wade. 

**Matt** : Literally never. 

**_My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Harls** : where are you staying

 **Harls** : wait what about Daisy 

**Peter** : Daisy's back with her parents 

**Peter** : I'm staying with Matt

 **Harls** : wasn't Ryan sick

 **Peter:** His test came back negative 

**Harls:** oh

 **Harls:** i'm glad you're not alone

 **Peter** : Me too

**Harls** : i don't want you to think i'm criticizing you 

**Harls** : cuz i'm not

 **Harls** : i just want you to be safe 

**Harls** : and i think you're getting criticized enough

 **Harls** : and i know you're doing everything smart 

**Harls** : or at least as smart as you know how to

 **Harls** : i just hope you know you're not alone

 **Harls** : i mean more than just physically 

**Harls** : now

 **Harls** : like i hope Matt's nice 

**Harls** : and lets you hug him when you need one

 **Harls** : and listens to your bad jokes

 **Harls** : just

 **Harls** : don't let him replace me

 **Harls** : pls

 **Harls** : i

 **Harls** : i don't trust stairs cuz they're always up to something 

**Harls** : fuck

 **Harls** : when you disappeared for a bit i couldn't breathe 

**Harls:** and all i thought about was you

 **Harls** : and like what if you got sick

 **Harls** : and what if i never got to talk to you again 

**Harls** : and the last thing i ever did was talk to you about spider-man

 **Harls** : instead of say what i actually wanted to say

 **Harls** : and now i'm always worried

 **Harls** : and i really don't want you to get sick 

**Harls** : but i also really don't want you to be miserable 

**Harls** : and you were miserable Peter don't pretend you weren't 

**Harls** : you need someone on your side

 **Harls** : and i guess what i'm saying is

 **Harls** : i'll always be on your side 

**Harls** : if you'll have me 

**Harls** : if you'll let me

**Peter** : You're a dream.

**Peter** : Do you want to know what happened?

 **Harls** : i mean

 **Harls** : yes

 **Harls** : but you don't have to say anything you don't want to

**Peter** : So someone saw me around the city the other day 

**Peter** : or I mean they thought it was me

 **Harls** : and it wasn't you?

 **Peter** : It wasn't me.

 **Peter:** But everyone freaked out like it was me

 **Peter** : And started yelling at me like I was still a kid and did something I wasn't supposed to.

 **Harls** : you told them it wasn't you? 

**Peter** : Yeah

 **Peter** : No one believed me

 **Peter:** But like someone was out there pretending to be me 

**Peter** : So I wanted to figure out who it was 

**Peter** : So I hacked some security cams

 **Peter:** Did some research

 **Peter** : Found some info

 **Harls** : this sounds like the start of a story that ends in you getting kidnapped

 **Peter** : Well like

 **Harls** : pls tell me you didn't get kidnapped

 **Peter** : I asked around for some help

 **Peter** : I guess someone noticed? 

**Peter:** I went out for a walk and someone TRIED to kidnap me

 **Harls** : what the actual fuck Peter

 **Harls** : pls tell me you're making this up

 **Peter** : And I broke my phone 

**Peter** : So I wasn't able to contact anyone for awhile

 **Peter** : And Matt's place was closest so

 **Peter** : Here I am

 **Peter** : With a new phone and like none of my stuff 

**Peter** : and kinda freaking out but not dead yet so 

**Peter:** 👍

**Harls** : i don't really know what to say to this

**Peter:** [Food](https://pin.it/7FNGZWO)

 **Peter** : The plus to staying with Matt: I get to cook again

 **Harls** : send me some pls

 **Harls** : i need food

 **Peter:** lol get food? 

**Harls** : that means walking

 **Harls** : and i don't want to move 

**Peter** : You don't have to walk if you have wheelies

 **Harls** : man preach 

**_ The Boys _ **

**Harry:** can u not ignore us 

**Ned:** Really Pete we're worried

**Pete:** I'm fine

 **Pete** : I'm safe

 **Harry** : jfc

 **Ned** : Don't disappear again, please

 **Harry** : where r u

 **Harry** : i called the hotel

 **Harry** : they said u checked out

 **Ned** : Peter?! 

**Pete:** I'm with a friend 

**Pete** : I'm fine really 

**Ned** : Was that really you? 

**Pete:** No

 **Pete** : I told you this

 **Harry** : but then it was u

 **Pete:** Yes

 **Harry** : y

 **Pete** : It's really nothing that concerns you guys

 **Ned** : Please don't do this alone

 **Pete** : I'm not

 **Pete** : Don't worry

**Ned** : We're sorry for not believing you before

 **Harry** : we were worried

 **Ned** : You're my best friend, Pete

 **Harry** : ur one of the only pple i like 

**Ned** : If you need me you know where I am

 **Harry:** same

**Pete** : ❤

 **Ned** : ❤❤

**Harry: ❤❤❤**

**Harry** : u still talking to phone guy

 **Pete** : Come on Har

 **Harry:** lmao 

**Ned** : Lmao yeah he is 

**Pete** : 🖕🖕🖕🖕

**_Soulmate _ **

**Gwen** : they're talking again **😍**

 **Ned** : Thank God 

**_ Incoming phone call from Softest Assassin _ **

_"Hey kid."_

_"Morning."_

_"About this thing…"_

_"Please don't lecture me."_

A soft laugh _. "Would it even work?"_

_"No."_

_"Arachne's highly dangerous. Enhanced. Kind of like you and me mixed."_

_"Yikes."_

_"Highly trained operative."_

_"For where?"_

_"Where do you think?"_

_"Right."_

_"Her name was Jessica Drew. Before everything."_

**_My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Peter** : [Peter's Video](https://pin.it/tLhtvrs)

 **Harls:** ugh i love you

 **Peter** : 😮 

**Peter** : I think

 **Peter** : I might

**Peter:** I love you too

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So funny story: my boyfriend and I said "I love you" like two months into dating and moved in together after six months. Everyone said we were moving too fast but joke's on them cuz we've been together for five years. I'm of the opinion of when you know you know.


	6. Are You Southern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I lost it. 
> 
> Just like... a little...
> 
> Idk guys, prepare for more narrative passed like chap. 10.

**Sunday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls** : you love me?

 **Harls** : wait like

 **Peter** : Wait did you not

 **Harls** : hold up

 **Peter** : Did I just 

**Harls** : can we 

**Peter:** I didn't mean

 **Harls** : you didn't mean to? 

**Peter** : I mean

 **Harls** : i

 **Harls** : i meant to 

**Peter** : Oh

 **Harls:** did you not

 **Peter:** No I

 **Peter** : I did 

**Peter** : I just

 **Harls** : can i

 **Peter** : Yes 

**Peter** : Whatever it is

 **Peter** : Just yes

 **Harls** : shit okay

**_The Gang_ **

**Harley** : i'm going in 

**Gwen:** omg ye

 **Gwen** : g e t i t

**_Outgoing Call to My Favorite Dumbass_ **

Harley's hands trembled and it felt almost like he couldn't breathe. His heart was pounding in his chest, begging for relief and it was just a _stupid_ button. 

He sucked in a deep, rattling breath and pushed his phone perhaps a little too hard. 

It tumbled from his hands, bounced off the edge of his table, and rolled under his bed. "Shit!" Harley swore. He dropped to his knees and dug frantically, fingers passing over screws, bolts, discarded chip bags, and half a tin of grease before closing over the smooth screen once more. 

The time flashed thirty seconds. 

_Thirty seconds_. 

"Shit, shit, shit." 

His hands were so sweaty why were they so sweaty?

"Harley? You okay in there?" His mother tapped his door as she walked by, laundry basket in hand and Harley's ass sticking up in the air. 

"Yep, all good ma." He sat up quick, crossed the space between his bed and door and flicked it shut with a quick push of his arm. 

"Please don't hang up!" Harley all but yelled into the phone, a desperation he wasn't a fan of stinging in his voice. 

He heard laughter on the other end before he heard words. 

Laughter. 

Oh _god_ , he sounded perfect. 

It was the kind of laugh Harley only heard in movies. Unobstructed and free. "Oh my god." 

"Hey." 

Harley thought he was going to cry. Hedropped down, heavy, in front of the door, his back against the cool wood and eyes shut so tight he could just imagine the brown eyes, the curl dropped over a forehead, and a smile that made Harley forget what it was to breathe. "H-howdy." 

A pause. "Oh my God." There was a slight scuffle, a small _go away Matt_ and then, "Are you _southern_?" 

Harley was laughing now. It bubbled up like relief. Like something spilled over the edge and tipped it all out on the rug before him. "You have such a thick accent!" Harley said between peels of mirth. 

"So do you!" Peter helpfully pointed out. 

"This is so weird." Harley said with a breathless sigh, his head tilted back until it touched the wood of the door. He could hear his mother outside, her footsteps muffled by the slippers on her feet. 

"I-" They spoke at the same time and stopped at the same time. 

"You go." Peter beat him to it, Harley's mouth opened to say the same. 

Left with the opening it was as though Harley had lost all of his words. Every bit of bravado he had been saving up drained out of him. 

He had been thinking it since that first picture. 

Had come up with a speech to explain how it didn't matter that he had yet to meet Peter in person. How he knew it was stupid and illogical and so young of him to say it after only a month and half of knowing someone. But how Harley had been counting the days and the nights and the _breaths_ between one text to the next and when there was silence it burned through him like a wildfire until he had no nerve endings left to feel. He wanted to say that the days of radio silence from Peter were the worst days Harley had ever had in his life. He needed to say "I don't know how to live without you" but instead he said, "I like your voice." 

And it was true, really. It was now the symphony in his mind. The backdrop to every song and every thought. 

This was it, Harley thought. This was what falling without a net felt like. 

Peter's laugh was soft this time. Sweet. Embarrassed. "I…" He laughed again. "Yeah me too." 

"Oh my god." Harley sighed through his nose and pressed his smile into the skin of his forearm. 

His cheeks felt like they would never frown again. "Hi, Harley." Peter spoke so softly Harley almost didn't hear him. 

"Hi, Peter." 

It was nice. 

It was an extremely creepy thought but…

It was nice to hear him breathe. 

To know he was real. 

Physical. 

Something Harley could touch one day. 

One day when this was all…. 

"I love you." He didn't allow himself time to think about it. Didn't contradict it or push it away. 

No if, ands, or buts. 

It was a fact like the law of gravity. 

"I…" 

"You don't have to-."

"No, I… I… shit." 

"We all shit, Peter." 

"Please say that again." 

"We all shit." 

"No, the… the…" 

Harley buried his face in his shoulder, his cheeks warm enough to start a fire. "Peter." 

"Peter." 

"I love you too."

**Monday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** good morning

 **Peter:** Omg

 **Peter** : Good morning

 **Harls** : you sound better than you did in my head

 **Peter** : I can't 

**Peter** : Matt can't even see and he's telling me I need to c h i l l 

**Harls** : hi matt!

 **Peter** : He says "Are you southern?' 

**Peter:** smh

 **Peter** : asshole

**_The Boyz_ **

**Harry:** r u sourthern

 **Ned** : Are you Southern?!

 **Harry:** r u s o u t h e r n

 **Ned** : ArE yOu SoUtHeRn?!

 **Peter** : Go play in traffic

**_The Gang_ **

**Gwen** : did u get phone laid last nite

 **Harley** : Gwen no

 **Gwen** : w h y n o t

 **Harley** : Gwen. N o.

 **Gwen** : ull tell him u love him

 **Gwen** : but wont have phone sex

 **Gwen** : wat a southern gentleman

 **Gwen** : wait

 **Gwen:** r u southern

 **Harley** : Omfg 😂

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry:** R U SOUTHERN

 **Peter** : Harold I swear to god

**_My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Peter** : What's Whitney Houston's favorite coordination? 

**Peter** : HAND EYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE

 **Harls** : Peter wtf 😂😂😂😂😂

**Harls:** what's better than Ted Danson

 **Harls** : Ted singing and Danson

**Peter:** I'm cry

 **Harls** : who made you cry 

**Harls** : lemmie at em

 **Peter:** So I called the hotel for my stuff, right? 

**Harls** : right

 **Peter** : And I asked them to at least get my laptop cuz school stuff

 **Peter** : And I showed up today it pick it up 

**Peter** : And they had put it outside in a plastic box wrapped in a big fluffy blanket, a hotel merch sweatshirt, and fresh cookies

 **Peter:** So now I'm eating cookies, catching up on school work, and crying???? 

**_The Gang_ **

**Gwen** : r u dating now

 **Harley:** g w e n

 **Gwen** : give me d e t a i l s

 **Harley** : n o 

**_My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Peter:** What do you call it when Batman skips church?

 **Peter:** Christian Bale

 **Harls:** what do you call a group of unorganized cats

 **Harls:** a cat-tastrophe

 **Peter:** What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

 **Peter:** Anna one, Anna two

 **Harls:** what does a nosey pepper do

 **Harls:** it gets jalapeno business

 **Peter:** What do you call a bear without any teeth?

 **Peter:** A gummy bear!

 **Harls:** why did the golfer change his pants

 **Harls:** because he got a hole in one

 **Peter:** Does anyone need an ark?

 **Peter:** I Noah guy

 **Harls:** i bought a ceiling fan the other day

 **Harls:** complete waste of money

 **Peter:** Wait are we switching to real stuff

 **Harls:** he just stands there applauding and saying, “ooo I love how smooth it is.” 

**Peter:** jfc

 **Peter:** 😂😂😂😂😂

 **Harls:** 🤣🤣

**Peter:** What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

 **Peter:** Frostbite!

 **Harls:** wait wait wait

 **Harls:** you’ll love this one

 **Peter:** omg okay

 **Harls:** how did Darth Vadar know what Luke got him for Christmas

 **Harls:** he felt his presents

 **Peter:** HE FELT HIS PRESENTS!!!!!!!!

**_My Chat with a Goddess_ **

**May:** Hey baby

 **Peter:** Hi May 🙂

 **May:** Thanks for letting me talk to Matt earlier

 **Peter:** Oh yeah no problem

 **Peter:** I don’t mean to make you worry

 **May:** I know sweetie

**Peter: ❤**

**May: ❤**

**May:** You should call Tony today

 **May:** He’s worried

 **Peter:** Maaaaaaaaaaay

 **May:** I’ll leave it alone

 **May:** But if he keeps texting me to see if you’re okay I might just make you 

**Peter:** fsjfhsdf fine

**May:** Oh hey, Pete

 **Peter:** Yeah?

 **May:** Are you Southern?

**Peter:** Omfg May no

 **Peter:** 😭😭😭😭

**Tuesday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** i want to take you out

 **Peter:** Like on a date

 **Peter:** Or with a gun

 **Peter:** Cuz 

**Peter:** tbh

 **Peter:** I’d take either rn

 **Harls:** Omfg on a date you goob

 **Peter:** O

 **Peter:** Yes please

 **Harls:** give me like a day 

**Harls:** i gotta make this perfect

**Peter:** It’s perfect as long as you’re there

 **Peter:** Seriously

 **Peter:** I don’t need anything else

**Harls:** how are you real

 **Peter:** Maaan

 **Peter:** I don’t have time for an existential crisis today

**_Soulmate_ **

**Gwen:** so like

 **Gwen:** wen do we tell them we set this up

 **Ned:** lmao 

**Ned:** Their wedding

 **Gwen:** lmao 

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** So I was getting groceries right

 **Harls:** as one does

 **Peter:** And I heard a little whine

 **Harls:** that is less normal

 **Peter:** And I look down

 **Harls:** find the source of the whine yes

 **Peter:** And I see this bush moving

 **Harls:** concerning

 **Harls:** what even is nyc

 **Peter:** We don’t have time to unpack that question

 **Peter:** Now shush I’m telling a story

 **Harls:** pls go on

 **Peter:** And I go to the bush

 **Peter:** And out pops

**Peter:[Sir Charles ](https://pin.it/1p0daK4)**

**Harls:** w h a t

 **Harls:** b a b y 

**Harls:** i’m

 **Harls:** 😭😭🤩🥰

**Peter:[Matt](https://pin.it/2CtIhEw)**

**Peter:** Hi I’m Matt Murdock and I practice l a w 

**Peter:** I am a f r a i d of cacti 

**Peter:** I am h a r d c o r e Catholic

 **Peter:** I am b l i n d 

**Peter:** I told Peter no pets but then I met Sir Charles and now I am 

**Peter:** In l o v e 

**Harls:** o

 **Harls:** oh

 **Harls:** o h 

**Harls:** i

 **Harls:** he’s

 **Peter:** Lol yeh

 **Peter:** But ew that’s my bro

 **Harls:** you come from good stock

 **Peter:** 🤣🤣🤣🤣

**Harls:[Kevin](https://pin.it/2YayAfP)**

**Peter:** Keviiiiiiiiiiiiiiin

 **Peter:** Kevin 

**Peter:** Kevin

 **Peter:** Kevin

 **Harls:** s i r c h a r l e s 

**_Transcripts of linked phone call to Karen_ **

“So I take it you’re just going to keep ignoring what I tell you to do.” 

“Hi Tony.” _A scuffle and small gasp_. “A little busy here.” 

“I can see that.” 

“Don’t you have anything better to do than stalk me?” 

“Literally no.” 

“Jesus, this lady is going to get herself killed.” 

“I mean you might too.” 

“Now is not the time.” 

“You’ve been ignoring my calls.” 

“I’ve been busy.” 

“With… she spider?” 

“Her name’s Arachne.” _A loud bang_. “Stop throwing cars at me!” 

“Okay kid,” _Typing_. “What’s her deal?” 

“Think Sargent White Wolf with spider powers and no metal arm.” 

“Any idea why she’s here?”

“If she’d stop _throwing cars_ I could - _seriously lady?!”_

“You okay, kid?” 

“Yeah, yeah… Tony, I have to go.” 

“Kid, _Pete._ ” 

“I’ll call you later.” 

“Don’t you dare hang up-”

“Karen, disconnect please.” 

_Right away, Peter._

**Wednesday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** are you

 **Peter:** Don’t you dare

 **Harls:** ARE YOU

 **Peter:** HARLEY NO

 **Harls:** PERCHANCE

 **Peter:** 😭

 **Harls:** SOUTHERN

 **Peter:** 😭😭😭😭

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry:** u ok bro

 **Harry:** u looked like shit in the video chat 

**Peter:** Yeah

 **Peter:** My face just hurts a little

 **Harry:** she threw cars

 **Peter:** And a full 18 wheeler!

 **Peter:** It was fun to catch

 **Peter:** I’ll heal by tomorrow though

 **Peter:** Don’t worry

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** what are you listening to right now

 **Peter:** Say My Name

 **Peter:** Destiny’s Child

 **Harls:** lol okay

**Harls:[Say My Name](https://youtu.be/IiIDdq6PF8M)**

**Peter:** NO

 **Peter:** This is b e a u t i f u l

 **Harls:** thanks i hate it

**_Security Camera Footage from S.H.I.E.L.D Drone #456_ **

She was wearing a long black jacket that reached past her bare thighs. She tugged uselessly at the lock on the door, looked around, and tugged once more, sharp and quick. The lock snapped and she held it for a moment longer before dropping it to the ground at her feet. Carefully, she stepped over the mess and into the building. 

“Arachne,” It was said by a man, legs spread wide and face pale in the dimly lit room. She faltered, just for a moment, before walking closer. The man smiled. “You found us okay?” 

“Just a minor hiccup.” Her voice was soft, smooth, and devoid of accent. 

“I hope you took care of it.” 

“I have.” 

“Good.” He stood up fluidly and tossed a flash drive down on the ground in front of her. “We have a rescue mission for you.” 

Arachne’s hand closed right around the metal. “You found him?” 

“We told you we would.” 

**_Team Red_ **

**Matt:** Peter

 **Wade:** yoooo

 **Matt:** No, Wade

 **Wade:** ooo this srs

 **Wade:** bby boy u ok

 **Matt:** No he’s sick. 

**Wade:** wat

 **Wade:**!!!!!!

 **Matt:** Come back home and rest. 

**Peter:** I’m fine. 

**Peter:** I’ll be home soon.

 **Peter:** It’s just a cough. 


	7. Spider-kid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't leave you guys like that

**Thursday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** I’m not sick

 **Harls:** okay?

 **Harls:** does that mean you are sick

 **Peter:** No. 

**Peter:** That just means I’m not sick

 **Harls:** you present a good argument, sir

 **Harls:** but if

 **Harls:** perchance

 **Harls:** you were sick

 **Harls:** which you’re not

 **Peter:** I’m not!

 **Harls:** why do i get the feeling you would still be doing things that you shouldn’t be doing

 **Peter:** I’m not sick. 

**Harls:** you’re not answering my question

 **Peter:** Because I’m not sick

 **Harls:** convince me

**Peter:** My throat hurts

 **Harls:** but you’re not sick

 **Peter:** I have a headache

 **Peter** : Everything is too loud

 **Harls:** fresh off the presses: That Boy is Sick

 **Peter:** No!

 **Harls:** babe

**Peter:** … 

**Peter:** I might be sick

**Harls:** Hallelujah

**Peter** : good news

 **Harls:** you’re still sick

 **Peter:** Yes

 **Harls:** babe how is that good news

 **Peter:** That’s not the good news

 **Harls:** oh pls then go on

 **Peter:** I do NOT have the corona

 **Harls:** oh thank fuck

 **Harls:** i was actually panicking about that

 **Harls:** i can finally breathe

 **Harls:** wait

 **Harls:** so what are you sick with

 **Peter:** How cool I am 

**Peter:** 😎

 **Harls:** smh Peter

 **Peter:** rip

**Peter:** What goes down but doesn’t come up?

 **Harls:** a dead body stuffed with rocks

 **Peter:** Harley wtf

 **Harls:** 🤷‍♂️

 **Peter:** The answer was a yo

**Harls:** what are you sick with

 **Harls:** you never told me

 **Peter:** FUNNY STORY

 **Harls:** these are usually never funny

 **Peter:** My head just hurts sometimes 

**Peter:** Usually when I’m stressed 

**Harls:** you are like the most stressful person i’ve ever met

 **Harls:** this is going to be my life now isn’t it

 **Harls:** i’m stuck with this stress forever

 **Harls:** until you inevitably do something stupid that gets yourself killed and then i have to drive my car over a ditch and die

 **Peter:** That escalated

 **Peter:** Stop I haven’t finished my story

 **Harls:** right of course

 **Harls:** pls continue

 **Peter:** I’M TRYING STOP INTERRUPTING

 **Harls:** IF YOU KEEP YELLING AT ME I’M GOING TO KEEP INTERRUPTING

 **Peter:** HARLEY

 **Harls:** PETER

**Peter:** As I was saying

 **Peter:** My throat hurt and I had/have a cough

 **Peter:** And Matt was being all mother hen and told literally EVERYONE

 **Peter:** So I had to go back home and I didn’t want to because I wasn’t sick

 **Peter:** But n o o n e believed me

 **Peter:** So Tony legit sent over a robot with a test cuz he is also a mother hen

 **Peter:** And Matt tripped over the robot and almost broke his nose (a story for another time)

 **Peter:** But I get the test done cuz it’ll make everyone chill out, ya know? 

**Harls:** not me

 **Harls:** i am not feeling v chill right now 

**Peter:** shhhh story time

 **Harls:** right right 

**Harls:** sry carry on

 **Peter:** So we’re all just sitting around waiting for the test results and Sir Charles has fallen asleep on Matt’s lap cuz he’s perfect like that 

**Peter:** And I’m like trying really hard not to cough cuz people are going to worry

 **Peter:** But I can’t like hold it anymore

 **Peter:** So I cough

 **Peter:** And I cough up like just a few flecks of blood

 **Peter:** And Matt with his weird like super smeller thing can s m e l l it 

**Peter:** And like l a u n c h e s out of the couch 

**Harls:** BACK UP

 **Peter:** But right when he’s about to grab me and idk do something totally unfun the robot thingy beeps so fucking loud

 **Harls:** STOP 

**Harls:** YOU DID WHAT NOW

 **Peter:** omg stop interrupting 

**Harls:** PETER MIDDLE NAME LAST NAME

 **Peter:** I’m just gonna carry on

 **Harls:** Peter babe

 **Harls:** i’m d y i n g here

 **Harls:** you

 **Peter:** I’m f i n e 

**Harls:** you would say you were fine even if you were literally dying

 **Peter:** Untrue just ask Tony

 **Peter:** Anyway

 **Harls:** whoa 

**Harls:** WAIT

 **Peter:** The robot like yells “CLEAR” and we think the thing’s gonna blow up cuz who tf says that

 **Peter:** But then I read the screen and it says “negative for covid-19” and I’m like chill, cool, metal I knew that

 **Peter:** Matt’s still freaking out

 **Harls:** i’m c r y i n g

 **Peter:** And then the robot goes

 **Harls:** pls just 

**Peter:** “Allergy - cats”. 

**Peter:** And Sir Charles looks so i n s u l t e d

 **Peter:** THE ROBOT IS NOT DONE THOUGH

 **Peter:** “Smoke inhalation level - high”

 **Peter:** And Matt just does that thing he does

 **Peter:** Where I know he’s looking d i r e c t l y at me even though he can’t see

 **Peter:** And long story short I’m fine

 **Peter:** My lungs will be totally clear in like four hours and I ordered allergy pills online 

**Peter:** 🙃

**Harls:** i

 **Harls:** there is so much to unpack there

 **Peter:** Love youuuu

 **Harls:** i

 **Harls:** i mean i love you too

 **Harls:** obviously

 **Harls:** just

 **Harls:** wat

**Peter:** I mean that’s an accurate question to my life

 **Peter:** #parkerluck

**_The Gang_ **

**Harley:** gwen

 **Gwen:** ye

 **Harley:** i’m in love with an idiot

 **Harley:** an accident prone moron

 **Gwen:** aw honey

 **Gwen:** we been knew

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** Hey

 **Peter:** You okay?

 **Harls:** i

 **Harls:** do you hate yourself

 **Peter:** Only on Wednesdays

 **Harls:** Peter.

 **Peter:** I’m sorry to worry you

 **Peter:** I don’t mean to

 **Harls:** i mean

**Harls:** i got into a car accident a few months ago

 **Harls:** like right before all of this

 **Harls:** and i smacked my head on the steering wheel

 **Harls:** and sometimes i forget really stupid things now 

**Harls:** but the doc says that’s normal for a healing concussion

**Peter:** I’m so happy you’re okay

**Harls:** but are you

 **Harls:** like are you really okay

 **Harls:** like i know you’re going through some shit that you’re not telling me 

**Harls:** and that’s fine i totally get it

 **Harls:** but apparently someone impersonating you was important enough for you to leave the hotel in the middle of a pandemic

 **Harls:** even though everyone told you not to

 **Harls:** you’re staying with a friend and i’m really happy about that

 **Harls:** somehow you know literal b i l l i o n a i r e s 

**Harls:** you talk about some things so casually that it legit terrifies me

 **Harls:** like

 **Harls:** like coughing blood

 **Harls:** like s.m.o.k.e i.n.h.a.l.a.t.i.o.n

 **Harls:** like “ask Tony” about literally d y i n g 

**Harls:** and like 

**Harls:** i don’t need to know everything but

 **Harls:** but like what

 **Harls:** i’m not sure if i’m okay with whatever this secret is

 **Harls:** it’s like there’s this whole other side of your life that you’re deliberately keeping me out of and

 **Harls:** fuck 

**Harls:** i don’t know

 **Harls:** i don’t fucking know Peter

 **Harls:** i love you so much

 **Harls:** but maybe we are moving too fast and 

**Harls:** just 

**Harls:** i ugh

**Peter:** Wait don’t

 **Peter:** Please don’t go

**Harls:** i’ll talk to you tomorrow okay

**Peter:** I

 **Peter:** Okay

 **Peter:** I love you

 **Harls:** i love you too

**Friday**

Peter had been through some fundamentally bad things before. He had lost his parents at seven which was definitely the first really scarring thing that had ever happened to him. Then he had quite a few good, happy years. Aunt May and Uncle Ben were perfect second parents. But then, well… then the field trip to Oscorp happened and Peter had gotten sick enough he thought he was going to die. And then Ben really did die. Bled out as Peter pressed shaking, trembling, red hands to the gaping hole in his chest and had told Peter that _great power comes with great responsibility_ and Peter could still see that blood. He could still feel it caked dry between his fingers and sometimes he could still hear the last, final, pushed out sigh of a breath and see how still eyes went when they lost the soul that used to live in them. 

Peter had had a building dropped on him, had gone to space and felt his body pull apart while it tried to stitch itself back together again and then come back. And everything had been fine. It had gotten fine even if it wasn't always happy and Peter could live with that. 

Then he had gotten happy. 

Like really, really happy and he should have known better. Happy never lasted. 

"Spider-man." It came in through the headset and Peter yanked down his mask until it was firmly in place, the tears locked behind it. 

"What have you got for me, Urie?" 

"Your girl was spotted in the warehouse district, breaking into a rundown building. I think she's squatting." The police detective explained in that matter-of-face way she had of talking. 

Peter liked her. Granted, she was one of the few cops around the city to not try and arrest him on sight. "Thanks, Urie I'm on my way." 

"Hey," she paused, uncharacteristically shy. "Be safe out there, Spidey. This isn't exactly a safe time to be out." 

His lips twitched into a smile behind his mask. "I will, Detective. Thank you." 

Karen hung up for him when he shot himself off the ledge he had been perched on. 

Swinging through the city brought a sense of peace Peter rarely felt. For once he didn't feel the nagging stab of his senses prying at him until he broke in half. 

He got to the warehouse Urie had indicated faster than he expected, probably due in part to how empty the city was. It was disconcerting not hearing civilians shouting hellos to him on the ground. 

She was against the back wall, a dark silhouette against dust and cobwebs. 

"Incoming call, Peter." 

Peter crawled backwards, farther into the shadows, where, hopefully, Arachne couldn't see him. "Who is it, Karen?" 

"Harley." 

His breath hitched audibly. 

Arachne jumped, turning quickly towards where he was hiding. Her hair tumbled down her back, long and silky in the light. She didn't have her mask on. 

"Not now, Karen." It hurt to say. Like swallowing a razor it tore open his throat. 

"Patching it through."

"Karen, no." 

"Peter?" 

_Fuck_. 

So far Peter had worked so hard to keep his life as Spider-man as far away from Harley as he could. 

He would have to come back. 

Confront her later. 

Peter shot a web and pulled himself away. "Hey Harley." He winced. He was never any good at sounding like he wasn't up to something when he clearly was. "What's uh…" He scratched at the top of his head with his free hand. "What's up?" 

"Are you okay?" His voice was slow, relaxing, like leaves brushing over fresh grass. 

Peter felt like he could let go and wouldn't crash onto the cement. "Yeah, yeah just… exercising." The lie felt like hardening tar on his tongue. 

"All right well like… can we talk?" 

" _Yes_." Please, Peter wanted to beg. "I didn't mean t-" 

"First that's gotta stop, darlin'." 

"What… what's-?" 

"Incoming call from Tony Stank, Peter." 

"Who was that?" 

"Karen _no._ " 

"Sorry, Peter he overrode my protocol." 

"Who are you talkin' to?" Harley sounded justifiably annoyed. 

Peter, though, was panicking on the inside. 

He pulled himself to a stop atop a tall apartment building and considered, briefly, testing the theory that with Harley in his ear he could jump off the edge and not get hurt. "Spider-kid we need to talk." 

" _Tony no-_!" 

" _Spider-_?" 

"This isn't Spider-man."

" _Spider-man?!"_ Harley's voice was high. Startled. 

Peter seriously regretted every choice in his life that led him to this moment. "Tony _why are you calling_?" 

"Spider-kid who are you talking to?" 

"Holy shit!" 

"Harley please calm down." 

"Harley?" Tony paused and Peter was almost crying. Either from stress or shear humor of his life he wasn't entirely sure. "Harley _Keener_?" 

"Hi." 

"I'm hanging up on you now." Peter said with his hand tangled in the fabric of the top of his mask. 

"Peter-." 

"Bye Tony!" 

Peter took a long moment to breathe, to tune in his hearing to what he could pick up on the other end. If he closed his eyes…. 

" _Peter_." 

A kick to the middle of his back sent him flying over the edge. "We'll talk later!" He yelled as he fell.

-_-_-_-_-_-_

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter** : I'm okay! 

**Harls** : that didn't sound okay

 **Peter** : I'm okay! 

**Harls** : what happened

 **Peter** : I might have

 **Peter** : Fallen off a roof. 

**Harls** : jfc peter

 **Harls** : 😭😭

**Peter** : I'm okay though! 

**Peter** : I've totally dealt with worse! 

**Harls** : that

 **Harls** : IS NOT BETTER

 **Peter** : I know that STOP YELLING AT ME PLEASE 

**Harls** : w h y does this make so much sense

 **Peter** : **😭😭😭😭**

**Harls** : Tony S t a n k 

**Harls** : is he that in your phone

 **Peter** : no that's just what Karen calls him

 **Harls** : who is Karen 

**Peter:** the best A to ever I 

**Harls** : Tony S t a n k e.x.p.o.s.e.d you

 **Peter** : don't remind me

**Peter** : Are we okay? 

**Harls** : that depends 

**Peter:** On what? 

**Peter** : I'll do anything

 **Harls** : oh good

 **Harls** : get your favorite chinese food and load up facetime, baby 

**Harls** : let me take you on a date 


	8. Peter Porker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would marry all of you if it was legal

**Saturday**

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Peter:** Tonithon

 **Peter:** Tonbias

 **Peter** : Tonichael

 **Peter:** Tony the Tiger 

**Tony:** You were doing so good at being creative there.

 **Peter** : Tony S t a n k 

**Tony** : It is four in the morning, Parker.

 **Peter** : T

 **Peter** : o

 **Peter** : n

 **Peter:** y

 **Peter** : S

 **Peter** : t

 **Peter** : a

 **Peter** : n

 **Peter** : k

 **Tony:** Four in the morning

 **Peter** : AnTONIo Bandares

 **Peter:** CrypTONYm

 **Peter:** TauTONYmies

 **Peter:** SynTONY

 **Tony:** Peter

 **Tony:** What do you want

 **Peter:** You are a d u m b a s s 

**Tony:** You had to tell me this at four in the morning

 **Peter:** Don’t pretend you were sleeping

 **Peter:** We all know you weren’t

 **Tony:** Besides the point

 **Tony:** Why are you awake?

 **Peter:** Because you e x p o s e d me 

**Peter:** Also because I have a biochem paper due tomorrow and I haven’t worked on it at all

 **Tony:** You’re a disaster kid

 **Peter:** Must run in the family d a d 

**Tony:** I thought I wasn’t your dad

 **Peter:** I mean 

**Peter:** I’d say I’m sorry

 **Peter:** But you e x p o s e d m e to a cute boy

 **Tony:** I exposed you to a little shit

 **Peter:** I’d say take it back 

**Peter:** but

 **Peter:** You right

**Peter:** TONITHOT

 **Tony:** Parker go to sleep

 **Peter:** I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

 **Tony:** I think you’re making it a bigger deal than you need to right now

 **Peter:** I OVERstand the situation

 **Peter:** That was my secret to tell

 **Tony:** I get that, Pete I do

 **Tony:** And that’s why I didn’t call you “Peter” when I called

 **Peter:** Please stop overriding my protocols

**Tony:** Listen

 **Tony:** I don’t do this parenting thing all that great, never had anything substantial to base it off of but I’m trying. 

**Peter:** You’re a bit overbearing 

**Peter:** If you’re taking constructive criticism

 **Tony:** I get it. I’m working on it. 

**Tony:** Give me a break here, kid. I literally held you while you died. 

**Peter:** I

 **Peter:** I appreciate everything you do for me, Tony. 

**Peter:** But like

 **Peter:** I’m an adult now

 **Peter:** I need to be able to make my own mistakes

 **Tony:** Not if they get you killed. 

**Peter:** You knew that nothing you said was going to get me to stop

 **Peter:** You KNEW that

 **Tony:** I don’t want you to stop. I want you to not actively try to get yourself killed on a daily basis. 

**Peter:** And I want

 **Peter:** ugh

 **Peter:** I’m not trying to get myself killed

 **Peter:** Why does everyone think I am

 **Tony:** Because it kind of seems like you are kid

 **Tony:** And for someone that doesn’t share my DNA you remind me a lot of myself at your age

 **Tony:** Only with less drinking.

 **Peter:** I don’t want to die

 **Peter:** 😡😡😡😡

 **Tony:** I didn’t want to die either. 

**Peter:** smh

 **Tony:** Pete

 **Tony:** I know what it’s like to live in a world without you in it

 **Tony:** And trust me, it’s a lot better when you’re here. 

**Peter:** I DON’T WANT TO DIE

 **Tony:** Then act like it. 

**Tony:** You have resources. Stop acting recklessly. 

**Peter:** You tell me that you wouldn’t have gone out to confront someone if they were suddenly wearing your Iron Man costume, breaking into buildings, and setting fires around the city. 

**Peter:** You tell me that you wouldn’t care that someone wearing your face was dragging your name through the mud 

**Peter:** Don’t forget I’ve, personally, held more people as they died in half the life you’ve lived. 

**Peter:** You’re the one that takes away the resources when you’re mad. 

**Peter:** Not me. 

**Peter:** For once, it would be nice if

 **Peter:** idk

 **Peter:** you were on my side

 **Peter:** Maybe. 

**Peter:** Trust goes both ways. 

**Peter:** Regardless of any situation, I tell who I am to who I want when I want. You don’t get to decide that for me. 

**Tony:** Okay kid, whoa. 

**Tony:** This would probably be a better talk in person, right? 

**Peter:** I heard you die

 **Peter:** I heard your heart stop working

 **Peter:** Do you have any idea 

**Peter:** I’m not angry 

**Tony:** You can be angry.

 **Peter:** I know that. 

**Peter:** But I’m not

 **Peter:** I just

 **Peter:** ugh 

**Peter:**!!!!!!!!!

 **Peter:** Just

 **Peter:** You are the closest thing I have to a dad right now, Tony

 **Peter:** But I’ve had two sets of parents already

 **Peter:** And I know you’re worried and that’s valid okay that’s valid

 **Peter:** But I am literally b e g g i n g you to stop overriding my protocols and to t r u s t me and just 

**Peter:** just let me fail and fail and fail again 

**Peter:** I’m not Morgan, I don’t need you to fix the problems before they show up

 **Peter:** I just need you to be there when I inevitably fuck up because we both know I will

 **Peter:** and to get that if I don’t ask for help I might not need or want it 

**Tony:** Okay kid. 

**Tony:** I’ll work on it

**Peter:** Thank you. 

**Peter:** Hold me closer Tony Danzaaaa

 **Tony:** That is not how that song goes

**Tony:** So can I ask you how you know Harley Keener now? 

**Peter:** Lol no

 **Tony:** I’ll just get it from May then

**Tony:** I have a question for you. 

**Peter:** I swear to god 

**Peter:** If you ask what I think you’re going to 

**Tony:** Are you Southern?

**Peter:** Tony-Dad no

 **Peter:** 😭😭😭😭

**_The Boyz_ **

**Harry:** pete’s a dumass

 **Ned:** Lmao what’s new about that?

 **Harry:** Lit nothing

 **Pete:** 😭😭

 **Pete:** I’m not even the reason why he knows

 **Ned:** Dude how is it even a secret anymore

 **Harry:** it’s an open secret atm

 **Pete:** It’s s e c r e t

 **Harry:** isnt the whole point of a secret id to keep it a secret

 **Ned:** The man has a point

 **Pete:** It is a s e c r e t

 **Ned:** Dude. 

**Ned:** I don’t know how to tell you this

 **Harry:** lmao 

**Harry:** watever u say

 **Harry:** spider parker

 **Pete:** 😡😡

**Ned:** When’s your date?

 **Harry:** eight eastern gay time

 **Pete:** fffffffffffff uuuuuuuuuuu Har

 **Harry:** fifty says pete embarrasses himself five minutes in

 **Ned:** Coward

 **Ned:** $200 says in thirty seconds

 **Pete:** guys

 **Pete:** 😭😭

 **Harry:** lmao bet

 **Ned:** Bet. 

**Pete:** I hate you both so much

**Harry:** lmao sure u do buddy

**Ned:** Eight ea st er n ga y t i m e

 **Ned:** Harry you’re i.c.o.n.i.c

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** What do you call a bee that produces milk?

 **Peter:** Boobee

 **Harls:** that’s one way to say you’re ready for this

 **Peter:** Wait no

 **Peter:** I’m NOT READY

 **Peter:** Harley!!!!!

The food was arranged around him precariously. It had taken all day for Harley to clean the workshop enough that he felt comfortable enough to host a video-date. As long as Peter didn't ask for a tour he would be fine. 

Harley toyed with the fork between his fingers resisting the urge to hide his face behind take out containers. 

_Call Accepted_

The screen switched from the idling blue to black as it connected to Peter's on the other end. "Peter," it was the first sound to break through the speakers and Harley noticed with wide eyes that he had an up close view of orange fur. "It's connected." 

" _Shit_." Hands wrapped around a small kitten belly and pulled it up. 

Matt. 

Or at least Harley thought it was Matt. The view was a little dark and a kitten blocked his face. But that build wasn't Peter's in the pictures he had received. 

Or the build of Spider-man.

Harley still wasn't used to that. 

"Hi Harley!" 

There he was. 

Peter came on screen, tugging a sweatshirt down quick and flustered. Matt moved just a half step out of his way and made a face Harley was almost sure was exasperated. "Hey." 

It was choked. 

Harley hadn't forgotten how good looking Peter was but confronted with it in front of him he had to shake himself into reacting like a normal person. Him and Matt made a pair, too. One tall and bulky with obvious muscle. Straight close cut hair and black glasses hanging off his nose Matt was intimidating even holding a wiggling kitten. 

Peter, though, was soft. Floppy curly hair, a too big sweatshirt, and that _smile._

Harley tugged subconsciously at the neck of his t-shirt. "So I was totally ready, really I was." Peter started almost frantic, his cheeks a little pink. 

Harley _starred._

"But then Sir Charles got into the chicken wings and Matt couldn't see him to stop him -" 

"Peter spilled soy sauce all over his shirt and had to change." Matt interrupted with something that looked suspiciously like an eye-roll from a blind man. 

" _Matthew Jesus Murdock."_

"What?" Harley choked on a laugh. 

“That isn’t my middle name, Peter _Benjamin_.” 

The gasp that Peter let out was enough to break Harley to pieces. “ _Don’t you_ middle name me!” 

“I’m going on my call.” Matt stuffed Sir Charles into Peter’s hands with a small smirking smile on his face. “Keep things PG, insect.” 

If it was possible, Peter looked even more offended. “Spiders aren’t insects, Matt!” 

His only answer was a parting laugh. Peter floundered for a moment, a kitten purring in his arms. Harley took the moment to take him in, to let his eyes drink him up, to let his mind scramble to fill in the blanks of Peter to Spider-man and back again. 

It made sense. 

Harley hadn’t been lying about that. 

Harley realized, now, that he was placed atop a bed, a pile of blankets on the floor next to a desk covered in spare parts. There was a half full laundry basket and a mirror with tiny photographs pinned to the corner and held on by the wooden frame. 

Peter heaved in a deep breath that filled his chest and plopped down on the bed, bouncing the computer just a little. “So,” Sir Charles wiggled out of his arms and treated Harley to a close up of his butt before jumping down to the soft carpet. “That was Matt.” 

“Uh,” Harley cleared his throat. “Food?” 

This was weird. 

Harley had been on plenty of dates before but those were usually in person. And they usually ended with a kiss at night. 

“Oh!” Peter leant down and grabbed a take-out container. “I have lo mein.” 

He showed the screen, obviously more comfortable with video chatting than Harley was. “That looks so much better than what I have.” Harley showed his own dry Chinese food in answer. 

“Pao’s is literally the best Chinese food in the city.” Peter was twirling chopsticks between his fingers, his gaze anywhere but the computer screen. His cheeks were still pink. 

Embarrassed, perhaps? 

Or just…? 

Harley’s lips twitched. “Are you nervous, darlin’?” 

Peter ducked his head and laughed in that soft way that Harley hadn’t been able to get out of his head since the phone call. “A little.” He admitted it with a self-deprecating shrug. 

“Tell me a joke.” 

“I’m thinking of removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.” 

“You’re Spider-man.” 

His eyes shot to the screen and Harley thought, from the sheer silence on the other end, that the video had frozen. Then he saw Sir Charles move in the background, a small meow coming out of a tiny mouth as he pawed at the closed door. 

“That’s… that’s the joke.” 

God it was the lamest thing Harley had ever said. 

Only Peter was laughing. Silent laughs that had his big brown eyes shutting tight and his arm curling around his belly as if to hold them in. 

“That is,” Harley continued over his laughs, his own smile wide enough to hurt. “The lamest superhero name ever. How did you even come up with it?”

“I was thirteen!” 

His heart spiked at the age. 

_Thirteen._

Christ. 

"I’m gonna get serious, babe, just for a moment, okay?” 

Solemnly, Peter pulled himself together, his container full of lo mein cradled between each hand but his eyes, finally, locking onto Harley’s own. He nodded, a soft “okay” passing his pink lips. 

“I’m not gonna tell you to stop.” Harley tilted his head. “And I can’t really say I’m mad. I’m just… you’re bein’ safe, right?” 

“ _Yes_.” 

“Okay.” Harley shrugged. 

“Okay?” Peter pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, his tongue smoothing over where his teeth had bit into it. Harley couldn’t look away. “You’re not…?” 

Helplessly, he shrugged. “Just give me some time to get used to everythin’ and I’ll be golden.” 

**_The Gang_ **

**Harls:** gweeeeeeeeen

 **Gwen:** lol wat we laughing about now

 **Harls:** [Peter ](https://pin.it/15NMXmw)

**Harls:** how can i not kiss

 **Gwen:** lmao kiss the screen

 **Harls:** i might

 **Gwen:** do it

 **Gwen:** dating in the age of corona

**_The Boyz_ **

**Pete:** nng

 **Ned:** That’s the thirsting noise

 **Harry:** disgusting

 **Harry:** take ur sexting out of this chat

 **Harry:** n into a cowboy

 **Harry:** 😉

 **Pete:** HARRY

 **Harry:** wrong name 

**Harry:** 😉😉

 **Ned:** Lmao 

**Sunday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** i would screw Matthew Jesus Murdock 

**Peter:** 😮

 **Harls:** but shit i’m in love with a dumbass

 **Harls:** i n s e c t 

**Peter:** 😫😫😫😫

 **Peter:** YOU TAKE THAT BACK

**Peter:** Matt’s girlfriend, “So what do you do for work, Peter?” 

**Peter:** Me internally panicking, “WeB DeSiGn.” 

**Peter:** Matt softly, “What the shit Parker.” 

**Harls:** w h a t the shit parker

 **Harls:** 😂😂 

**Harls:** what do you call an undercover spider?

 **Harls:** a spy-der

**Harls:** WEB DESIGN

 **Peter:** Ned and Harry want a chat with you

 **Peter:** Please say no

 **Harls:** why

 **Harls:** WHY WOULD I SAY NO

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Peter:** Harley why 

**Peter:** 😭😭

 **Harry:** lmao

 **Ned:** Oof

 **Harry:** r o a s t e d

 **Harls:** like a marshmallow

 **Ned:** Is it expose Peter time? 

**Peter:** It is never expose Peter time

 **Harry:** it is always expose peter time

 **Harls:** sorry babe

**Ned:** FIRST let me tell you

 **Peter:** Ned, no

 **Peter:** My first friend please

 **Ned:** Harry and I video chat this guy on the daily 

**Ned:** And this is what he looks like whenever you message him @Harls

 **Ned:** [Peter](https://pin.it/12sqVJB)

 **Harls:** omg

**Harry:** 2 words

 **Harry:** spider parker

 **Harls:** 😮😮😮

 **Harls:** 🤣🤣🤣

**Harls:** web design

**Harry:** i found out this loser

 **Harry:** when i went to put my clothes in the drier at school

 **Harry:** i guess his costume was in there

 **Peter:** SUIT 

**Harry:** nd he just 

**Peter:** Harry stop please

 **Harry:** webbed my hand to the drier door thinking it would stop me from opening it

 **Harry:** like a dumbass 

**Ned:** He was literally climbing on the ceiling in the suit when I was at his house

 **Ned:** Then told me he wasn’t Spider-man 

**Ned:** While STILL WEARING THE SUIT

 **Peter:** Ned why

**Harry:** i woke up one nite 

**Harry:** to pete sitting in the corner roof of our dorm

 **Harry:** just like pouting and watching golden girls upside down

**Ned:** Peter can’t regulate his temperature but told no one

 **Ned:** And almost went into hibernation just to build a snowman

**Harry:** pete and i took public speaking in fresh year 

**Harry:** and the teacher called on him to present 

**Harry:** but pete forgot the project 

**Harry:** so he got up and just 

**Harry:** improvised a whole ass hour presentation on why spider-man was the dumbest avenger

**Ned:** We were in decathlon in high school, right? 

**Ned:** And he fell asleep in the middle of practice and his head hit the answer buzzer 

**Ned:** So everyone thought he had the answer 

**Ned:** Peter guessed thermonuclear degeneration 

**Ned:** And was fucking right

**Harry:** i asked him 1nc if a stain was blood or not

 **Harry:** n this mofo licked it

 **Harls:** was it blood?

 **Peter:** It was barbeque sauce

**Ned:** Someone called Peter the anti-christ before

 **Ned:** He rolled his eyes back, bent his back backwards, and started talking in Chemical formulas

**Harry:** he over my house when dad was getting an interview

 **Harry:** and a lady asked him how he knew us

 **Harry:** and he drew out a fuck until the lady walked away

 **Harry:** i timed it

 **Harry:** 10mins

**Ned:** DoN’t IgNoRe Me IrOn-DaD 

**Harry:** fUcKiNg TiN CaN mAn

**Ned:** The X-Men would respect me

**Harry:** [Peter](https://pin.it/2CLuOoO)

**Ned:** [Peter](https://pin.it/4KowY1Y)

**Harry:[Peter](https://pin.it/6pitpIP)**

**Ned:** [Peter](https://pin.it/77nN5z5)

**Harry:** listen testicle man

 **Ned:** My name is Doc Ok!

 **Harry:** dont interrupt me 

**Harry:** whoever said the grass is greener never had to see green goblin’s ass

 **Peter:** That is your FaThEr

 **Harry:** ur the one looking at his ass parker

**Ned:** At graduation the principal fucked up Pete’s name

 **Harls:** how

 **Ned:** Peter Porker

 **Harls:** p o r k e r 

**Peter:** The next time any of you need saving I’m just gonna let you die

 **Harls:** but babe

 **Peter:** Except you.

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** Peter 

**Peter:** Harley

 **Harls:** P o r k e r 

**Peter:** I’m just gonna go yeet myself off this building

 **Harls:** Peter no

 **Peter:** Byyyyyyyyyyyyye

  
  


**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Harry:** lmao i forgot

 **Harry:** i asked him how the date went

 **Peter:** HARRY NO

 **Harry:** "i WaNt to RiDe tHaT bOy like a CoWBoY" 

**Peter** : HAROLD

 **Ned:** rofl

**Harls** : well fuck parker 

**Harls:** just say when


	9. Harley Weiner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> E x p o s e h i m 
> 
> Warning for the cliffhanger at the end.

**Monday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** [Sir Charles](https://pin.it/7v9PTwy)

 **Harls:** SIR

 **Harls** : are you sending me

 **Harls** : videos of 

**Harls** : your 

**Harls** : pussy

 **Peter** : Harley Fucking Keener 

**Peter** : I just snorted so loud in the middle of a physics lecture 

**Harls** : why aren't you on mute 🤣

 **Peter:** Because 

**Harls** : wait

 **Harls** : do you actually

 **Harls** : p a r t i c i p a t e in class

 **Peter** : … maybe

 **Harls** : NERD ALERT 

**Peter** : Can I call you? 

**Harls** : in like 20 mins okay? 

**Harls** : i'm in trig right now

 **Peter** : Yeah course

 **Harls** : everything okay, babe

 **Peter:** Yeah yeah 

**Peter** : Just 

**Peter** : Wanted to hear your voice

 **Harls** : 18 mins now 

**Peter:** ❤😘

Peter was sitting on the rooftop of Matt's building when Harley called, a blanket draped over his shoulders and the sunsetting over a disturbingly quiet city. No one had seen Arachne in a few days and, logically, Peter knew she was bound to show back up somewhere. Probably somewhere for the worse. But, for now, Peter was thankful for a day to just… stop and breathe in the world around him. 

It was hard some days to see the good in all of this. He had broken up more fights over toilet paper, hand sanitizer and face masks in the last few weeks than he had his entire vigilante career. But, if he concentrated, he could hear the sound of a mother singing with her kids, the steps of a newlywed couple dancing in the kitchen, and the soft reassurances of a building owner letting a homeless family in to live off the streets. The world was cruel but, Peter thought, it was also incredibly kind.

"Hey, cowboy." He kept the phone on speaker. What did it matter if anyone listened in? Harley was remarkably better at keeping Peter's identity a secret than he was himself. 

"I see you're embracing that nickname." His voice was teasing but, still, Peter blushed. He pulled his legs in closer to himself, a smile biting at his cheeks. 

He let out a long breath and relaxed backwards. The roof was rough under his body but Peter barely felt it between the blanket and Harley's voice in his ear. He should have been trying harder to keep warm but it was worth a little chill in his bones if he could just be in the air and listening to this man talk forever. "If you can't beat them join them." He shut his eyes against the breeze and focused on the sound of Harley breathing. He could imagine, with his eyes closed, that Harley was there. Next to him. "How was trig?" 

"Literally the worst hour of my life." Peter could picture Harley dropping onto his bed dramatically. He would bounce up, just a little, before settling against the covers and pillow and stay angled towards the ceiling. “The professor asked us to all turn in homework but the server broke so we couldn’t do that. So, instead, we all just held up our papers for him to grade for a good forty-five minutes.” 

Peter opened his mouth to answer but couldn't think of the words. 

"My arm _hurts_ , Peter." Harley whined. 

Peter's laugh pulled itself out of his body. It was _easy_ talking to Harley. Easy in a way most of his life wasn't. 

So they talked. About nothing and everything as the sun set over a quiet city. 

Peter only went down when Matt stuck his head out the window and announced that food was ready. 

**_My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Peter:** [NYC sunset](https://pin.it/8oaxau5)

 **Harls:** i’m really enjoying this starting a conversation with a picture thing you’ve got going on

 **Harls:** but that is legit stunning

 **Peter:** I don’t understand people that don’t like the city

 **Peter:** Like

 **Peter:** It’s so pretty

 **Harls:** i’ve never been to nyc

 **Harls:** or anywhere other than tennessee or CA

 **Peter:** When this is all over

 **Harls:** i will be on the first flight out

 **Peter:** Or you know

 **Peter:** I could go there

 **Harls:** lol no

 **Harls:** i need to punch tony stank

**_My Chat with a Goddess_ **

**Peter:** Maaaaaaaay

 **May:** Peterrrrrrr

 **Peter:** I miss you

 **Peter:** That is all

**May:** Aw Pete

 **May:** I miss you too

**_ My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Peter:** Why was the little strawberry crying?

 **Peter:** His mom was in a jam.

 **Harls:** Peter that’s just mean

 **Peter:** Why are frogs are so happy?

 **Peter** : They eat whatever bugs them.

 **Harls:** as a spider

 **Harls:** do you also do that

 **Peter:** Harley that’s disgusting

 **Harls:** so is that a yay or a nay

 **Harls:** i’m trying to plan if i get you flowers or a bouquet of knives for your birthday

 **Peter:** Literally go fall in a ditch

**Peter:** How do you befriend a squirrel?

 **Peter:** Just act like a nut.

 **Harls:** do you just come up with these on the fly or

 **Peter:** A magician never reveals his secrets

 **Harls:** is this just one of your spider powers

 **Harls:** are spiders secretly funny

**Peter:** Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?

 **Harls:** i want to now

 **Peter:** No? Really? It’s making headlines!

**Peter:** Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?

 **Harls:** because he is a dick

 **Harls:** idk which one 

**Harls:** but one of them was a dick

 **Peter:** It was craving a well-balanced meal.

 **Harls:** like Bryan 😡

**Peter:** What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?

 **Harls:** FEED ME

 **Harls:** because it was a cannibal

 **Peter:** Looking a little pail there.

 **Peter:** Why do chicken coups always have two doors?

 **Harls:** because Kevin would just turn us into a chicken farm if we let her

 **Peter:** With four, they’d be chicken sedans.

**Peter:** What did one hat say to the other?

 **Harls:** lookin’ good there 

**Harls:** 😉

 **Peter:** You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

 **Peter:** Why did the lifeguard kick the elephants out of the pool?

 **Harls:** cuz they’re too big for a damn pool

 **Peter:** They kept dropping their trunks.

 **Harls:** they’re too big for a dam pool

 **Peter:** _I have a d a m problem_

 **Harls:** The d a m snack bar

 **Peter:** You DrOoL when you sleep

 **Harls:** WoW Apollo is HoT

 **Peter:** Well he is the sun god

 **Harls:** ThAt’s NoT wHaT i MeAnT

 **Peter:** Don’t feel bad, I’m usually about to die

 **Harls:** did you mean: 

**Harls:** peter parker

 **Harls:** spider disaster

 **Peter:** Rude

 **Peter:** I’m only about to die like

 **Peter:** 80% of the time

**Peter:** What do you call a pony with a cough?

 **Harls:** concerning

 **Harls:**?!

 **Peter:** A little hoarse.

 **Harls:** wait

 **Harls:** can we go back to quoting pjo cuz 

**Harls:** i just found the best one

 **Peter:** Lol sure

 **Harls:** dreams like a podcast

 **Harls:** downloading truth in my ears

 **Harls:** they tell me cool stuff

 **Peter:** Apollo? 

**Harls:** i’m incognito

 **Harls:** call me FrEd

 **Peter:** A god named FrEd

**Tuesday**

**_Team Red_ **

**Wade:** spidey

 **Peter:** Mister Pool, sir

 **Wade:** pls call me ded

 **Peter:** Of course, ded

 **Matt:** Why is this in the groupchat?

 **Wade:** becuz we miss u 

**Wade:** uwu

 **Wade:** hi matty

 **Peter:** Lmao 

**Wade:** i miss u more bby boy

 **Peter:** You’re so sweet, Wade

 **Wade:** can i send u 2 a bouquet 

**Matt:** Absolutely not

 **Peter:** Yes!!!!

 **Matt:** Peter. 

**Peter:** Shh. 

**Peter:** Let Wade love us

 **Wade:** ur too good for me spidey

 **Peter:** You deserve love, Wade

**Wade:** i actually came here for smthin

 **Matt:** Please just spit it out.

 **Matt:** So I can go back to forgetting I’m even a part of this chat. 

**Peter:** Damn Matt

 **Peter:** Why you so salty?

 **Matt:** You know why. 

**Peter:** Is this about the cat litter cereal? 

**Matt:** Why was it in the cabinet Peter? Why?!

 **Peter:** I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D EAT IT

 **Matt:** PETER I AM BLIND!

 **Peter:** BUT YOU HAVE ENHANCED SENSES

 **Peter:** DID YOU NOT NOTICE IT FELT DIFFERENT

 **Matt:** OBVIOUSLY NOT PETER OR I WOULDN’T HAVE EATEN IT!

 **Wade:** oof

**Wade:** so anyway

 **Wade:** i know what ur doppelganger is looking for 

**Matt:** You know how to spell that word? 

**Wade:** im not dum matthew mary murdock

 **Matt:** What the shit Parker.

 **Peter:** Lmao

 **Peter:** What do you have for me, Wade? 

**Wade:** jared

 **Peter:** Who the who? 

**Wade:** she was at sister margrets last nite

 **Wade:** offered good $$$ to any1 that could get them into shield

 **Peter:** What the actual what

 **Peter:** Thank you for the info

 **Peter:** But I am so confused right now. 

**_Dad-Devil_ **

**Matt:** Don’t do anything right now, Peter. 

**Matt:** For one, you’re supposed to be in class. 

**Matt:** We can come up with something when I get home from the office. 

**Peter:** Okay.

**Peter:** Thank you. 

**Peter:** For everything

 **Peter:** Really, Matt

 **Peter:** You’re the best Dad-Devil out there

**Matt:** Anytime.

 **Matt:** Spider… son.

 **Peter:** Omg Matt

 **Peter:** 😭😭

  
  


**_Mission Expose Matt_ **

**Foggy:** peter what did you do

 **Foggy:** matt just threw his phone across the room 

**Karen** : Dad-Devil. 

**Foggy** : lmao that'll do it

 **Peter** : D a d D e v i l 

  
  


**_The Roomies_ **

**Peter:** Why won’t MJ text meeeee

 **Harry:** mj has a life 

**Peter:** Don’t lie to me 

**Harry:** lmao

 **Harry:** she dropped her phone in the toilet

 **Peter:** R u d e 

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Harls:** pete just screamed so loud

 **Harls:** because he saw a s p i d e r 

**Harry:** lmao 

**Ned:** He does that. 

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** I demand a chat with Gwen

 **Harls:** Lol no

**_The Gang_ **

**Harley:** peter wants to talk to you

 **Gwen:** y e s 

**Harley:** i said no

 **Gwen:** y do u h8 me

 **Harley:** because you type like that

 **Gwen:** revenge will be s w e e t 

**_Harley Weiner_ **

**Peter:** Gwen!

 **Gwen:** yeh

 **Gwen:** whooooo 

**Gwen:** who 

**Gwen:** who who

 **Gwen:** who r u

 **Harley:** PeTeR

 **Peter:** Peter!

 **Harley:** h 

**Harley:** o

 **Harley:** w

 **Peter:** I hack things. 

**Peter:** 🙂

 **Peter:** Or I mean

 **Peter:** Ned hacks things.

 **Harley:** WHY CAN’T I DELETE THIS CHAT

 **Peter:** 🙂🙂🙂🙂

 **Gwen:** chaotic

 **Gwen:** im in

 **Gwen:** wat r we doing

 **Peter:** E x p o s e h i m 

**Harley:** DON’T YOU DARE

 **Gwen:** lol k

 **Gwen:** brb 

**Gwen:** lemmie grab abby

 **Harley:** NO

 **Peter:** R e v e n g e 

**Abs:** yo yo yo

 **Abs:** i heard we were about to

 **Abs:** t e a r Harley Joseph Keener to p i e c e s

 **Harley:** WHY

 **Peter:** Yes 

**Peter:** E X P O S E H I M 

**Gwen:** this loser

 **Abs:** HARLEY CRIED WHEN MOM TOLD HIM ABOUT THE TOOTH FAIRY BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT SOME LADY TO SNEAK INTO HIS ROOM AND EAT HIS TEETH

 **Harley:** WHERE ARE YOU HIDING ABIGAIL

 **Abs:** HARLEY DIDN’T KNOW WHAT PADS WERE SO HE USED THEM ALL ON SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS AND AS PAPER TOWELS BECAUSE THEY WERE SO ABSORBANT

 **Harley:** ABIGAIL STOP

 **Abs:** WHEN HE WAS FOUR HE ATE A BUNNY POOP BECAUSE HE WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT TASTED LIKE SINCE BUNNIES EAT THEM ALL THE TIME

**Gwen:** wen he found out my dad’s a cop he asked him if he had ever shot a cardboard cut out because it looked like a person

**Abs:** HE GAVE TONY STARK MY HELLO KITTY WATCH AND NGL I’M STILL MAD ABOUT IT

**Gwen:** he cried wen he burned popcorn

**Abs:** HE SHOWED UP TO SCHOOL WEARING A PRIDE FLAG LIKE A TOGA BECAUSE IT WAS DRESS LIKE A GREEK DAY

 **Abs:** WHEN THE PRINCIPAL ASKED WHY HE SAID IT WAS BECAUSE NO ONE WAS STRAIGHT IN GREECE

**Gwen:** he eats uncooked ramen as a snack

 **Gwen:** just like mashes it all up and pours in the seasoning

**Abs:** HE ONCE SAID WELCOME TO ARBY’S INSTEAD OF WELCOME ABBY’S TO A FRIEND OF MINE

**Gwen:** we took french and he forgot to do the homework so he just google translated it all

 **Gwen:** into SPANISH

**Harls:** i accept my fate to die today

**Abs:** HE LITERALLY STILL TELLS EVERYONE THAT IRON MAN BROKE OUR GARAGE

**Gwen:** he hates apple products because it’s false advertising 

**Gwen:** cuz u cant eat them like apples

**Abs:** HIS TEACHER TOLD HIM HE COULDN’T BUILD A VOLCANO FOR THE SCIENCE FAIR SO HE BUILT A WHOLE ASS ROBOT THAT SHOT OUT LAVA IN PROTEST

 **Abs:** “DON’T YOU WISH YOU LET ME BUILD THAT VOLCANO NOW MRS. SPINOSA”

**Gwen:** i brought him ice skating and he fell so hard on the ice that he cracked it

**Abs:** THIS IDIOT DRESSED AS A CUP OF COFFEE ON DRESS LIKE A HERO DAY

 **Abs:** LIKE A WHOLE ASS COSTUME

**Gwen:** bryan kept stealing his socks so

 **Gwen:** harley marched into byran’s medical terminology final 

**Gwen:** and just started pelting bryan with socks from his own sock drawer

**Abs:** “WHAT’S THE CAPITAL OF OHIO”

 **Abs:** “UH GEORGIA”

**Gwen:** he ate exclusively pizza rolls for six months just cuz some1 told him he couldnt

**Abs:** MOM TOLD HIM SANTA GAVE HIM COAL FOR CHRISTMAS BECAUSE HE WAS A HEATHEN AND HARLEY MADE A CANDY COAL AND ATE IT IN CHURCH DURING CHRISTMAS EVE SERVICE

**Gwen:** a girl asked him out at school who was super homophobic

 **Gwen:** and harley looked at her

 **Gwen:** gasped

 **Gwen:** and just said woops u turned me gay

 **Peter:** What the fuuuuuuuuuuck 

**Abs:** HE LITERALLY SCREAMS WHENEVER YOU TEXT HIM

**Gwen:** harley = gay panic

**Peter:** Lmao this is golden

 **Harley:** 😭😭😭😭

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** [Peter and Tony](https://pin.it/1LoGVJm)

 **Peter:** lmao look at this dumbass

 **Harls:** wait are we talking the dumbass on the left or the one on the right

 **Peter:** Wow rude

**Harls:** does anyone actually know the words to mmbop

 **Harls:** or do we all just mmbop

**Peter:** [Tony](https://pin.it/1TdPgYA)

 **Peter:** Never let this die

 **Harls:** WHAT IS THIS 

**Harls:** WHY IS THIS

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Ned:** One time

 **Harls:** at band camp

 **Peter:** At band camp

 **Peter:** lmao beat me to it

 **Ned:** 😡😡😡😡

 **Harry:** uhoh

**Ned:** One time Peter cried because he realized snakes would never know what it was like to walk without legs 

**Peter:** NEDTHANIAL

 **Ned:** Karma’s a bitch, Parker

**Harry:** rofl

**Peter:** I GOT A NEW DAISY PIC

 **Peter:** [Daisy](https://pin.it/6LAKKob)

 **Harls:** OMG

 **Harls:** MY BABY

**Ned:** [Peter and MJ](https://pin.it/7zDmlf0)

 **Ned:** [Peter and Harry](https://pin.it/4UPaMHu)

 **Ned:** [Peter](https://pin.it/6z7jxMz)

 **Peter:** Nedward stop 😭

 **Ned:** [Peter](https://pin.it/2Myd9tW)

 **Ned:** [Peter](https://pin.it/H9xv4bw)

 **Ned:** [Peter](https://pin.it/3HVsuY9)

 **Ned:** [Peter ](https://pin.it/4AaE9xl)

**Ned:** [Peter](https://pin.it/2ONx5x5)

 **Ned:** [Peter](https://pin.it/1DfiekF)

 **Harry:** ew

 **Harry:** get this face off my phone

**Harls:** not that this is an expose matt chat

 **Harls:** but

 **Peter:** Oh hey I’m in one of those

 **Ned:** Everywhere is an expose Matt chat

 **Harry:** m a t t 

**Harls:** [Matt](https://pin.it/3HWf9ii)

 **Harls:** idk why he had a balloon but he sat in the same place holding the same balloon for an hour long video chat

 **Peter:** That fucker. 

**Ned:** Lmao 

**Harry:** i c o n i c 

**Ned:** You just got trolled

**Wednesday**

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Peter:** IRONDAD

 **Tony:** Pete 

**Tony:** It’s midnight.

 **Peter:** Stfu

 **Tony:** Excuse me

 **Peter:** Excuse you

 **Peter:** I think I figured out the thing

 **Tony:** What thing? 

**Peter:** The T H I N G 

**Tony:** I don’t understand the words you’re texting

 **Peter:** smh you’re so old

**Peter:** THE THING

 **Peter:** UGH

 **Peter:** CAN I HAVE DR. BANNER’S NUMBER

**Tony:** Why? 

**Tony:** Peter what did you figure out?

 **Peter:** GIVE ME THE NUMBER MAN

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Harls:**????????

 **Peter:** Everytime I get off the phone with Bruce Banner I am reminded why the world is a beautiful place. 

**Harls:** i

 **Peter:** It’s been a d a y

**Peter:** I have to go out tonight

 **Peter:** I’m not going alone so please don’t worry so much

 **Harls:** who are you going with

 **Peter:** I can’t say. 

**Peter:** But I promise I’ll text you the moment I’m back home safe.

**_My Chat with a Goddess_ **

**Peter:** May

 **Peter:**!!!!!!

 **May:** why are you following me spider  
  



	10. Heavy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets heavy guys
> 
> Hold on until the end, please

**_ My Chat with a Goddess _ **

**May** : follow my location

 **May:** come alone

 **Peter** : No. 

**Peter** : No you don't get to do this. 

**May** : come alone, spider

 **May** : or she dies

 **Peter** : How do I know you won't kill her anyway?

 **Peter** : You don't get to dictate the rules here. 

**Peter** : YOU need ME. 

**Peter** : I come with who I want. 

**May** : you're willing to play with her life

 **May** : i didn't think you were that cold

 **Peter:** You won't like the person I'll become if you hurt her.

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls** : i can't sleep 

**Harls** : not cuz you're out

 **Harls** : well

 **Harls** : kinda cuz you're out

 **Harls** : pls be safe

**Harls** : a science teacher told his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773"

 **Harls:** his student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it"

**Harls** : how do astronomers organize a party

 **Harls:** they planet

**Harls:** why can't you trust an atom

 **Harls:** because they make up everything

**Harls:** i just read a book about Helium

 **Harls:** it was so good that I can't put it down

**Harls** : why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist

 **Harls** : because you will get Jurasskicked

**Harls** : what do clouds do when they become rich

 **Harls:** they make it rain

**Harls:** molecule 1

 **Harls:** i just lost an electron

 **Harls** : molecule 2

 **Harls** : are you sure

 **Harls** : molecule 1

 **Harls** : i’m positive

**Harls** : when Magnesium and Oxygen started dating i was like, "O MG"

**_Softest Assassin _ **

**Peter:** James

 **James B.:** What's up kid?

 **Peter:** I need your help.

 **Peter** : Please. 

**Peter:** I know I can't 

**Peter** : You know this thing so much better

 **Peter** : Please 

**Peter** : She has May

**James B.:** I'm on my way. 

_Outgoing phone call to Actual Goddess_

_Call denied._

_Outgoing phone call to Actual Goddess_

_Call denied._

_Outgoing phone call to Actual Goddess_

_Call denied._

_Incoming phone call from Dad-Devil_

_Call denied._

_Voicemail left._

_Listen?_

"Peter, I just got your message. Call me back and tell me where you are and I'll meet you there. You can't do this alone. 

_Message deleted._

_Incoming phone call from Captain Sam_

_Call denied._

_Incoming phone call from Pepper and Potts_

_Call denied._

_Incoming phone call from Personal Stalker_

_ Call accepted. _

"Pete!" 

"Stark."

"Barnes?" 

"Peter threw the phone at me to answer." 

"Where are you?" 

"... he says I can't tell you." 

"You take your orders from a kid, Barnes?" 

"I don't take them from you." 

" _Where are you_?" 

"He wants you to stay out of it." 

"Put the kid on the phone." 

A sigh. "Spider-kid! Stark's insisting." 

A pause. A scuffle of footsteps. "Not now Tony." 

"Kid-"

"Not. Now." 

"Peter I can help-"

"I can't be responsible for you _and_ May! _Stay where you are!_ " 

_Call disconnected._

_Incoming call from Personal Stalker_

_Call denied._

_Incoming call from Personal Stalker_

_Call denied._

_Incoming call from Wade_

_Call denied._

_Voicemail left._

_Listen?_

"Spidey, listen. This girl is obsessed. She's biblical with this Jared guy. Like the kind of biblical that ends in marriage. Be careful. If you need me you know what to do." 

_Message deleted._

_Incoming call from Captain Sam_

_Call denied._

_Incoming call from Personal Stalker_

_Call denied._

_Incoming call from Rhodes_

_Call denied_

_Incoming call from Pepper and Potts_

_Call denied._

_Incoming call from Personal Stalker_

_Call denied._

_Voicemail left._

_Listen?_

"Pete. Be smart. I… please be careful, okay? I don't think I could take losing you again, kid." 

_Message deleted._

_Outgoing call to Actual Goddess_

_Call denied._

**_My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Harls** : so i was thinking

 **Harls** : dangerous i know

 **Harls** : but like

 **Harls** : i have every picture you ever sent saved 

**Harls** : and in a "Peter" folder

 **Harls** : and i look through it when the world gets too heavy to breathe

 **Harls** : and i've known you for almost three months now

 **Harls** : you're amazing

 **Harls** : i couldn't live without you 

**Harls** : or like 

**Harls** : i could

 **Harls** : but god

 **Harls:** i look forward to your stupid

 **Harls** : obviously googled 

**Harls** : jokes 

**Harls** : (and i know that because i google them too and we pull from the same lists) 

**Harls** : and without your pictures 

**Harls** : and i heard your laugh now

 **Harls:** i've seen your smile

 **Harls** : and i don't think anything in my life will be able to compare 

**Harls** : i don't know what my life was without you in it

 **Harls** : and that's terrifying and 

**Harls** : so so so 

**Harls** : ugh

 **Harls** : Peter Parker 

**Harls:** i am in a w e of you

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry** : me

 **Harry** : i dont wanna run ur stupid company

 **Harry** : also me

 **Harry:** runs the company 

**_Dad-Devil_ **

**Matt:** I'm blind Peter

 **Matt** : I can't take care of Sir Charles alone.

 **Matt:** I'm not cut out to be a single cat dad. 

_ Transmission from the Coms of Sargent Barnes connected to Tony Stark and Sam. _

"Barnes!" 

"Buck where are you?" 

"Captain." 

"Stark." 

"Are you there too?" 

"I don't even know where Buck is." 

"Shit." 

"Who is he with?" 

"Spider-kid." 

"Buck? Buck you there?" 

" _Shut. Up_." 

Silence. 

"Jared!" 

"Arachne." 

" _Where's May_?" 

"That's him, that's him! Is he okay? Barnes!" 

A scuffle. 

A commotion. 

A scream. 

"BARNES."

" _Peter-_!" 

"Mother fu-" 

_Connection lost._

_Incoming call from Personal Stalker_

_Phone disconnected._

**Thursday**

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Ned** : Harley

 **Harry:** don't 

**Harry** : not over text

 **Harry** : @harls

 **Harry** : im calling u

 **Harry** : u better answer

 **Harls** : lol ominous 

Harley woke up with an all encompassing feeling of dread. Everything had gone normally but it was like there was a stale taste in the air. Harley sat in front of his computer for class, he turned in his homework, took his tests. Joked with Gwen and Abby and helped his mom with cooking. 

Peter hadn't texted. 

_Incoming Call from Peter's Harry_

His phone lit up along the edges and Harley almost considered not answering. 

He blew out a slow, careful breath and slid off his welding glove to press accept. "Harley?" If Harley had thought Peter's accent was thick he had nothing on Harry. 

Harry Osborn sounded as rich as he was. He also sounded apprehensive and worried. Two things that had Harley sitting down at his desk and swallowing hard. "Ye… hey."

Harry's breath shook when he breathed out. "Peter's alive. That's… let's start there." The relief that Harley felt was like an electric shock. He was horrified with himself, he hadn't even thought of the _possibility_.

"Thank god." Harley cradled his forehead in his hand and wished it was Peter's hair he was running his fingers through. Instead, he only had his own and he gripped at the strands tight enough the roots ached in protest. 

"May…." Harry… the joker. The pranksters. The _friend since we were born, Harls._ His voice broke. 

Harley squeezed his eyes shut and prayed to a god he wasn't sure he believed in. 

"It was bad. The… the spider girl pushed her off a… off a ledge to distract Peter and she…." 

"Is she?" 

"He caught her with… ya know but…" 

Harley's mind raced. 

Simple physics. 

If he was just a little bit off. If Peter's web caught her at the wrong time and the wrong place he could snap a neck, a spine, a… anything. 

"She… she's alive but just… shit it's not good." 

Harley's own breath caught. 

How many people would it make it, he thought, if she couldn't be saved? 

How many lost? How many lives? 

He counted it in his head. 

_Two sets of parents._ Mom, dad, Uncle Ben…. And that was just what Harley had been told. 

"Peter?" He croaked. 

"He's at the hospital with her and… I'm pulling every string I know but…." 

"Will he answer? If I call?" 

"It's worth a shot." 

Harley hung up without saying goodbye. 

Rude, maybe, but Harry wasn't his friend to apologize to. 

Peter was basically a speed dial now. Right under _Peter's Harry_ in his call logs. 

Peter answered on the fifth ring. 

"Peter?" 

His answer was almost guttural. It must have pulled deep from his throat. Harley had cried that hard exactly twice - when his grandmother died and when he figured out his dad wasn't coming home. It was the sort of cry that tore a hole through your chest. The type that was almost silent but for the gasp of breath as you selfishly gulped it down. 

How was he supposed to do this? "Oh babe." It wasn't enough. It wasn't nearly enough. 

"They… I can't…." The rest wasn't needed. 

It was a pandemic. She was in a hospital. No visitors allowed. He would have to sit outside her room and look through a glass barricade as she fought for her life that he wasn't quick enough to save. 

Had they gotten the person that did this? Had she escaped? 

Not the time. Not the place. 

Harley didn't know what to say. So he hummed instead. And sang the first song that came to mind. And then the second and the third and fourth. He sang while Peter cried and he held an arm tight around his own stomach and wished it was tight enough for the boy through the phone to feel. 

"I got it from here, Harley." He cut off abruptly. The voice was familiar, of course it was Harley had only been watching the news with him on it for years. 

"Tony…" A warning. Of what Harley didn't know. 

"I got him." 

When he hung up Harley climbed into his mother's bed for the first time since he was eleven and clung to her like she was about to fade away. 

-_-_-_-_-_-_-

The amount of strings, favors, and bribes Tony had to pull to get allowed access to the hospital Peter was at were ungodly. He had called that Murdock guy Peter had been staying with to explain the situation. Had been given the quick, five minute summary from Barnes - bruised and battered and looking haunted beyond what Tony had the capacity to deal with. 

_What made her snap?_ Tony had asked. 

_He called her Jessica_. 

Peter had fallen asleep, his head pillowed on Tony's lap and legs curled up across the chairs. He hadn't had the forethought to change before coming to the hospital - thankfully Barnes had an extra pair of sweatpants and a pullover hoodie in his beat up car that he had shoved on Peter when May had been taken by the ambulance. Tony should make him change. 

But Peter was… broken to say the least. 

He had been so happy earlier. 

Tony counted the breaths he could see from May Parker's room. They marched in time with Peter's. 

**_My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Harls** : i love you

**Peter** : I love you too. 

**Friday **

**_My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Harls** : [Kevin ](https://pin.it/56nfvZq)

**Harls** : guess who texted me today

 **Peter** : Obama

 **Harls:** god i wish

 **Harls** : bryan 😡

**Peter:** oh jeez

 **Peter:** about what

 **Harls** : bryan, "what did you get on the last poly sci test?" 

**Harls** : me, "i literally have never taken a poly sci class on my life."

 **Harls** : bryan, "oh, lol, what do you do" 

**Harls** : me

 **Harls:** having explained to him seven times what i actually am majoring in 

**Harls** : "murder if the conversation isn't over"

 **Peter** : Bryan sounds like an idiot

 **Harls:** bryan is the worst

**Harls** : what did tomato say to the other tomato during a race

 **Harls:** ketchup

**Harls** : doctor: Sorry, I'm late.

 **Harls:** person: It's okay, I'm patient.

**Harls** : Knock knock.

 **Peter** : Who's there?

 **Harls** : the cow goes.

 **Peter** : The cow goes who?

 **Harls** : No, the cow goes moo

**Harls** : what kind of clothes do houses wear

 **Harls** : adress

 **Peter** : 🤣

 **Harls:** 🙂

**Harls** : how's May

 **Peter** : uh

 **Harls:** you don't have to talk about it

 **Peter:** no 

**Peter:** she's okay

 **Peter** : well no she's not

 **Peter** : but the doctors say she will be? 

**Harls:** and will you be

 **Peter:** I

 **Peter** : I don't know 

**Harls** : okay

 **Harls:** that's okay Peter 

**Harls:** you know that right

 **Peter** : I love you

 **Harls** : god 

**Harls** : i love you so much peter parker

**Saturday **

**_The Gang_ **

**Gwen:** did u see the news

 **Gwen:**?! 

**Harley:** no why

 **Gwen:** omg

 **Gwen** : !!!!

 **Gwen:** shit i can't find the link

 **Harley:** WHAT WAS IT WOMAN 

**Gwen:** STARK INDUSTRIES IN COLLAB WITH OSCORP AND AN UNNAMED COLLEGE AGED SCIENTIST JUST DISCOVERED A VACCINE 

**Harley** : WAIT WHAT

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Ned** : WHAT

 **Harry:** lol yeh

 **Harry** : he just did that 

**Harry:** that's our boi

**Ned:** WHAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof that was an a d v e n t u r e of ten chapters. 
> 
> Next arc starts next chapter at around, idk, sometime mid afternoon.


	11. Knock Knock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is p o i n t l e s s. 
> 
> But after chapter 10 I thought we could use some pointless happiness

**Tuesday - June 23, 2020**

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Harls** : peter, invents a fucking vaccine to a pandemic 

**Harls:** also peter: i just want this to be over with so i don't have to deep fry my oreos myself anymore 

**Harry:** checks out

**Ned:** Harry, runs a whole ass company at 23

 **Ned:** Also Harry, “Says wed-nes-day every time he has to spell it”

 **Harls:** big mood

**Pete:** Harley, develops a smartphone 

**Pete:** Also Harley, “do you think fish ever forget how to swim?”

 **Harls:** WELL DO THEY PARKER

**Harry:** ned, hacks into the highest security companies for fun

 **Harry:** also ned, “my heart feels funny” while pounding back his 10th red bull w/in the hr

 **Peter:** 😮 Ned 

**Harls:** that’s my boyyyyyy

**Harls:** smh

 **Harls:** i was video chatting with peter 

**Harry:** gaaaaay

 **Harls:** i mean

 **Harls:** you’re not wrong

 **Harls:** ANYWAY

 **Harls:** fucking m a t t comes out of nowhere 

**Harls:** and just 

**Harls:** [Matt and Peter Cuddle ](https://pin.it/4P5nq34)

**Harry:** m a t t 

**Ned:** Matt!!!!

 **Peter:** I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that you

 **Peter:** all of you

 **Peter:** Are in love with my Matt-Dad

 **Harls:** w h o a there b u d d y 

**Harls:** i am only in love with (1) dumbass

 **Harls:** and that boy spells his name with a p and r 

**Harls:** not a m and t

 **Peter:** Pmattr 

**Peter:** Suspicious

 **Harls:** you

 **Ned:** This flirting is… 

**Harry:** disgusting

 **Harry:** the word ur looking for is ick

 **Harry:** get this outta my face

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry:** i love how happy u r 

**Harry:** im cry

 **Peter:** Awe Har

 **Harry:** u deserve this parker

**Peter:** Now I’m cry

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Tony:** Bruce says the trials are going great 

**Tony:** They’re looking to start distributing to hospitals in around a week

 **Peter:**!!!!!!!!!!

 **Peter:** This is so e x c i t i n g 

**Tony:** I’m proud of you, Pete. 

**Tony:** Your parents would be too. 

**Peter:** Tony-Dad no 

**Peter:** 😭

**Tony:** Morgan demands your presence during family dinner tonight

 **Peter:** Oof okay

 **Peter:** I’ll just alley-oop over then

 **Tony:** VIDEO CHAT PARKER

 **Tony:** IN VIDEO CHAT

 **Peter:** lmao okay

 **Peter** : Careful you don’t give yourself a heart attack, old man

 **Tony:** I’m going to make you clean my entire garage when all this is over, Parker

 **Peter:** 😛

**_Aunt Maaaaaay_ **

**Peter:** DID YOU GET IT

 **May:** Haha yes Peter I got it

 **Peter:** We can play Animal Crossing together now!!!!!

 **May:** All the girls here keep saying that you doting on me is adorable

 **May:** I am the luckiest woman out there 

**Peter:** I’m gonna stop by after class today if that’s cool

 **May:** Only if you let me chat with that boy of yours

 **Peter:** Why do you love him more than meeeee?

 **May:** He calls me ma'am. 

**May:** You’ve never called me ma’am. 

**Peter:** Do you want me to call you ma'am???

 **Peter:** CUZ THAT CAN BE ARRANGED 

**Peter:** Actual Goddess Aunt Mom May ma’am why don’t you love me as much as my boyfriend

 **May:** Because you send me things like that. 

**Peter:** 😟

 **Peter:** I am SHOOK

 **May:** Aren’t you supposed to be in class?

 **Peter:** Aren’t you supposed to be in PT? 

**May:** Pay attention to class, Peter. 

**Peter:** Yes Actual Goddess Aunt Mom May ma’am

**Wednesday**

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Harls:** my favorite part of the day was when pete video called may at the hospital 

**Harls:** and just

 **Harls:** held up his phone through the window 

**Harls:** and may wheeled her special wheelie chair 

**Ned:** Do you mean: wheel-chariot

 **Harls:** wheel-chariot*

 **Harls:** and they connected via bluetooth

 **Harls:** just so that she could talk to me about my day

**Harry:** i want to talk to may

 **Harry:** 😫

 **Ned:** Yeah, @Peter

 **Ned:** Why don’t you go through this effort for us to talk to May?

 **Pete:** You all have phones. 

**Pete:** Call her yourself

 **Ned:** Rude.

 **Ned:** You’ll do it for Harley!

 **Harry:** dude

 **Harry:** u dont want to know wat harley has to do 

**Harry:** to get this kind of attention

 **Peter:** HAROLD

 **Ned:** Lmao gaaay

**Harry:** dad, “harold send these papers to my lawyer”

 **Harry:** me 

**Harry:** [Fuck You](https://youtu.be/YxmnXszTm2w)

 **Harls:** 😮

 **Ned:** Oof

**_The Roomies_ **

**Peter:** Wait norman is still talking to you?

 **Harry:** i dont know how he keeps getting my #

 **Peter:** Did you have Ned block it?

 **Harry:** lol no

 **Harry:** idk man i dont really want pple knowing that much about him

 **Harry:** like thats personal shit

 **Peter:** Do you want me to try and block it for you? 

**Harry:** … yeh

 **Peter:** Cool.

 **Peter:** I’ll get to it right after this assignment. 

**Harry:** thank

 **Peter:** No problem. 🙂

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** Knock knock. 

**Harls:** who's there 

**Peter:** Hawaii. 

**Harls:** hawaii who 

**Peter:** I'm fine, Hawaii you?

 **Harls:** i mean pretty good right now

 **Harls:** but like

 **Harls:** my boyfriend is a d o r k 

**Peter:** Knock knock. 

**Harls:** who's there

 **Peter:** Voodoo. 

**Harls:** you do

 **Peter:** 😭

 **Harls:** 🙄

 **Harls:** voodoo who

 **Peter:** Voodoo you think you are, asking me so many questions?

 **Harls:** you literally just made me take part in this

**Peter:** Knock knock. 

**Harls:** who's there 

**Peter:** Nana. 

**Harls:** nana nana poo poo

 **Peter:** How old are you?

 **Harls:** lmao 23

 **Harls:** nana who

 **Peter:** Nana your business.

 **Harls:** i feel personally 

**Harls:** SLIGHTED

**Peter:** Knock knock. 

**Harls:** who's there

 **Peter:** Hatch.

 **Harls:** hatch you 

**Harls:** hatch who

 **Peter:** Bless you.

 **Harls:** f u i just sneezed 

**Peter:** 😂😂

**Peter:** Knock knock.

 **Harls:** don’t you have 

**Harls:** literally anything else to do 

**Peter:** 🙃🙃🙃🙃

 **Harls:** who's there

 **Peter:** Mustache. 

**Harls:** if this is what i think it’s going to be

 **Harls:** mustache who

 **Peter:** Mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later

 **Harls:** uuuuuugggggghhhhhh

**Peter:** Knock knock. 

**Harls:** HOW MANY OF THESE DO YOU HAVE

 **Harls:** who's there 

**Peter:** Amish. 

**Harls:** you’re amish????

 **Harls:** how do you have a phone????

 **Harls:** amish who

 **Peter:** Really? You don't look like a shoe.

 **Harls:** this is RUDE 

**Harls:** and UNCALLED FOR

 **Harls:** if i look like anything

 **Harls:** it is an umbrella

 **Peter:** Harley what? 

**Harls:** cuz i’m tall and i don’t like anyone within at least a two foot radius of me 

**Peter:** Knock knock. 

**Harls:** they’re just gonna keep coming, huh

 **Harls:** who's there

 **Peter:** Gorilla. 

**Harls:** gorilla who

 **Harls:** gorilla why

 **Harls:** gorilla what 

**Harls:** gorilla where

 **Peter:** Gorilla me a hamburger.

 **Harls:** lmao parker you know i’m a shit cook

**Peter:** Knock knock. 

**Harls:** who's there 

**Peter:** Tank. 

**Harls:** tank yourself

 **Harls:** tank who

 **Peter:** You're welcome.

 **Harls:** tank you for being a frieeeend

**Peter:** Knock knock.

 **Harls:** you’ve been sending these all day 

**Harls:** why 

**Harls:** who's there

 **Peter:** Turnip. 

**Harls:** turnip who 

**Peter:** Turnip the volume, I love this song!

 **Harls:** TURN DOWN FOR WHAT

**Peter:** Knock knock.

 **Harls:** smh

 **Harls:** who's there

 **Peter:** Daisy! 

**Harls:** DAISY?!

 **Harls:** MY QUEEN?!

 **Peter:** I’m just gonna pretend you said Daisy who

 **Peter:** Daisy me rollin, they hatin'.

 **Harls:** Peter this is terrible

**Peter:** Knock knock.

 **Harls:** why is today the neverending day of knock knock jokes

 **Harls:** i feel like i’ve gone back in time

 **Harls:** and am stuck at Abby’s 9th birthday party

 **Harls:** with just 

**Harls:** knock knock jokes surrounding me 

**Harls:** you’re not gonna answer unless i do it huh

 **Harls:** who's there 

**Peter:** Alpaca. 

**Harls:** alpaca who

 **Peter:** Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase.

 **Harls:** alpaca a bag outta this conversation

**Peter:** Knock knock.

 **Harls:** what did i do for this punishment 

**Harls:** who's there

 **Peter:** A little old lady.

 **Harls:** 😭😭😭😭

 **Harls:** a little old lady who

 **Peter:** Dang! All this time, I had no idea you could yodel.

 **Harls:** i hate you, i love you 

**Harls:** i hate that i want you

 **Peter:** I can’t put nobody else above you

 **Harls:** you sly mofo

 **Harls:** i see what you did there

 **Peter:** Lol video chat in a few?

 **Harls:** oof 

**Harls:** only if i don’t have to put pants on

 **Peter:** o.O

 **Harls:** WAIT

 **Harls:** nah i meant it

 **Harls:** i don’t want to get up

 **Peter:** sdfhdhfsd okay

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Ned:** Lmao @harls

 **Harls:** yes neditan

 **Ned:** You broke him

 **Harry:** he screeched so loud i could hear matt in the background swearing

 **Peter:** Stop e x p o s i n g me

**Thursday**

**_Harley Weiner_ **

**Abs:** [Harley](https://pin.it/6GItfzb)

 **Harley:** ABIGAIL NO

 **Peter:** I feel like the majority of this chat is Harley telling Abby not to do something

 **Harley:** that is the majority of my life

 **Peter:** You look high

 **Gwen:** u look hi

 **Gwen:** o hey

 **Peter:** OH HEY

 **Abs:** I said “smile if you love me” and this asshole 

**Peter:** Oof

 **Gwen:** lol s l a y e d 

**_The Gang_ **

**Harley:** WE GET TO MOVE BACK ON CAMPUS NEXT SEMESTER

 **Gwen:** THANK FUCK

**Gwen:** lol now ur going to have to see bryan

 **Harley:** 😡

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Peter:** So what if like

 **Tony:** Peter I am begging you to go to sleep at a normal time. 

**Peter:** shhh

 **Peter:** What if I meet Harley right

 **Tony:** It is entirely too late for me to have this conversation with you.

 **Peter:** I can go ask Matt

 **Tony:** Don’t you dare. 

**Peter:** If you don’t want to talk about it it’s cool

 **Peter:** I don’t mind asking someone else

 **Tony:** Kid if you go ask Matthew Murdock anything I will be personally slighted. 

**Peter:** Lmao okay

 **Peter:** anyway

 **Peter:** So I’m totally going to Meet Harley when this All Over right

 **Tony:** I mean I would suggest it. 

**Peter:** Right. 

**Peter:** But what if

 **Tony:** What if you’re not good enough? 

**Peter:** What if it doesn’t work when we’re not just… 

**Peter:** Across the screen from each other. 

**Tony:** Who do you call when you wake up from a nightmare? 

**Peter:** Subject change much? 

**Tony:** Answer the question, kid. 

**Peter:** I call Harley when I wake up from a nightmare. 

**Tony:** What’s the first thing you do everyday?

 **Peter:** Text him good morning. 

**Tony:** What’s your favorite time of the day? 

**Peter:** Six pm

 **Tony:** Why?

 **Peter:** It’s when we video chat. 

**Tony:** Kid. 

**Tony:** Take this from someone that knows both of you. 

**Tony:** You’re going to be fine. 

**Friday**

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Peter** : [May](https://pin.it/2GIq2r6)

 **Peter:** Taken in the PT hallway

 **Ned:** Maaaaay

 **Harry:** m a y

 **Harls:** l e g e n d 

**Peter:** The doctor says she’s progressing really fast and should be able to FINALLY go back home by the end of the week. 

**Peter:** Tony said her legs are almost made and they’re gonna be so much better than Rhodey’s cuz I helped design them

 **Peter:** And Bucky and Captain Sam said they’d pick her up from the hospital with me and drive us home

 **Peter:** And I 

**Peter:** I am soft

 **Harry:** sometimes i forget u literally know all the avengers

 **Peter:** They’re not heroes

 **Peter:** They’re m e s s e s 

**Ned:** Lmao Captain Sam

**Peter:** Ngl guys sometimes it’s surreal that

 **Peter:** I’ve legit had

 **Peter:** Black Widow make me a peanut butter sandwich

 **Peter:** and Hawkeye invited me to his kid’s birthday party

 **Peter:** and I beat Thor at Smash Bros

**Ned:** Dude

 **Ned:** Remember that time we beat them at karaoke

 **Harls:** this is my life now

**Harls:** wait can i meet the avengers

 **Harls:** i can’t wait to punch tony stank in the face

 **Peter:** Harley why 🤣🤣

 **Harls:** he knows why 👿

**_Softest Assassin_ **

**Peter:** It’s favorite old man appreciation day

 **James B.:** That’s not a thing. 

**Peter:** Love you and all that you do!

**Sunday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** what are you listening to right now

 **Peter:** Sir Charles screaming in my air

 **Harls:** i mean

 **Harls:** that would be a little hard for me to cover

 **Peter:** Do it

**Peter:** [Sir Charles ](https://pin.it/FqGtG64)

**Harls:** pussy pics yes

 **Peter:** Harley 

**Peter:** You’re gay

 **Harls:** lmao you’re right

**Harls:** would it be over dramatic to just start walking out of Tennessee

 **Peter:** I mean 

**Peter:** Probably

**Harls:** [Lovesick](https://youtu.be/_eJ8Mrc9QGA)

**Peter:** I 

**Peter:** Gah

 **Harls:** Thanks I hate it

**Monday**

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Ned:** Guess who just reunited

 **Ned:** [The Gang is Back ](https://pin.it/3wgiAtJ)

**Harls:** i’m so j e a l o u s 

**Harls:** it’s fine tho

 **Harls:** i’ll just hug no one in the meantime 

**Peter:** Nooooooooo Harleeeeeeey

 **Harry:** lmao gay

**Peter:** Harry tackle hugged me when he saw me

 **Peter:** Just an FYI

 **Harry:** w e l l n o w 

**_May Parker_ **

**May:** Tony booked your ticket

 **Harley:**!!!! 

**May:** Don’t you dare let anything slip. 

**May:** This is the perfect birthday surprise. 


	12. Safety Dance

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** you can dance if you want to 

**Harls:** you can leave your friends behind

 **Peter:** SO

 **Peter:** LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAY

 **Harls:** cuz your friends don’t dance 

**Harls:** and if they don’t dance

 **Peter:** So I wake up right? And video chat May and Sandra cuz that’s just the routine now

 **Peter:** And I’m making breakfast for Matt cuz I’m a nice roommate 

**Harls:** well they’re no friends of mine

 **Peter:** Sir Charles is sleeping so nice and cute on the couch

 **Peter:** And the coffee is almost all brewed and I’m just kinda

 **Peter:** V i b i n g you know?

 **Harls:** i say we can go where we want to

 **Harls:** a place where they will never find

 **Peter:** May’s telling us about PT and Sandra’s going over how Daisy misses me 

**Peter:** (which like ow)

 **Peter:** and Sandra got a visitor right?

 **Harls:** and we can act like we come out of this world 

**Harls:** leave the real one far behind

 **Harls:** and we can dance

 **Peter:** And it’s

 **Peter:** HER SON AND GRANDDAUGHTER

 **Peter:** AND SHE JUST STARTED CRYING

 **Peter:** AND MAY STARTED CRYING

 **Peter:** AND THEN I STARTED CRYING 

**Harls:** say we can act if we want to

 **Harls:** if we don’t nobody will

 **Harls:** and you can act real rude and totally removed

 **Harls:** and i can act like an imbecile

 **Peter:** AND THEN SIR CHARLES STARTS MEOWING 

**Peter:** (cuz he doesn’t wanna be left out, ya know)

 **Peter:** AND THEN 

**Peter:** Matt just comes in 

**Harls:** WE CAN DANCE 

**Peter:** and is just like

 **Harls:** WE CAN DANCE

 **Peter:** “god Parker why” 

**Harls:** EVERYTHING’S OUTTA CONTROL

 **Peter:** and tries to slowly back out of the kitchen 

**Peter:** only May sees him 

**Peter:** and tries to talk to him

 **Harls:** WE CAN DANCE

 **Harls:** WE CAN DANCE

 **Peter:** So she goes, “Oh Matt.” 

**Peter:** And he turned around q u i c k 

**Harls:** THEY’RE DOING IT FROM POLE TO POLE

 **Peter:** But like walks right into the wall

 **Harls:** WE CAN DANCE 

**Peter:** and then Sir jumps off the counter where he was just chilling peacefully 

**Peter:** with his tail all f l u f f y cuz he m a d 

**Peter:** Matt’s nose is bleeding 

**Harls:** WE CAN DANCE 

**Harls:** EVERYBODY LOOK AT YOUR HANDS 

**Peter:** And I get up to try to help him 

**Peter:** only I elbow the coffee maker

 **Peter:** The coffee pot smashes to the ground

 **Peter:** I slip on the spilled coffee

 **Peter:** And faceplant into Sir’s soft cat food

 **Harls:** i was gonna keep singing safety dance 

**Harls:** but 

**Harls:** shit babe 😂

 **Peter:** AND THAT’S JUST THE MORNING

 **Harls:** what

 **Peter:** So the afternoon 

**Peter:** we’re all officially out of classes now

 **Peter:** And while public places aren’t exactly open still 

**Peter:** I missed Ned and Harry so much

 **Harls:** ofc 

**Harls:** am i ever getting the end of this story or…???

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Peter:** @Harls

 **Harls:** yo

 **Harls:** oh we’re finishing this here

 **Harls:** okay carry on

 **Harry:** wat r u doing here

 **Ned:** Don’t you d a r e Peter

 **Pete:** SO WE MEET UP AT OSCORP RIGHT

 **Harls:** where else would you meet

 **Harry:** NO

 **Ned:** STOP THIS

 **Pete:** AND I GO INTO THE LOBBY

 **Ned:** I b e g you Peter please

 **Harry:** yrs of friendship lead to this

 **Pete:** AND NED’S ALREADY THERE

 **Pete:** So we’re just talking in the lobby about shit 

**Pete:** Fucking Harry comes out of NOWHERE

 **Pete:** S P R I N T I N G 

**Harry:** i beg u

 **Pete:** He just says, “I FUCKED UP RUN”

 **Pete:** And cuz we’re

 **Pete:** ya know

 **Pete:** friends

 **Pete:** We just kinda shrug and run after him

 **Ned:** I’m sorry for anything I ever did to you

 **Pete:** But out comes “whooshing” the fucking glider that the goblin used

 **Harry:** peterrrrrr

 **Pete:** and it just zyooms into Ned first

 **Pete:** and he just…

 **Pete:** gets stuck?? On his belt loop??

 **Ned:** 😭

 **Pete:** so then it’s Ned attached to the glider and it’s still f l y i n g towards us

 **Pete:** so I’m just like 

**Pete:** Peace out man

 **Pete:** And climb up a wall

 **Harry:** d i t c h i n g m e

 **Pete:** and it bangs right into Harry’s knees so now he’s sitting on it

 **Pete:** and Ned’s hanging off of it trying to 

**Pete:** wiggle out of his pants

 **Pete:** and people are sticking their heads out of their windows like what the actual fuck

 **Ned:** He’s cursed so much here we have broken him

 **Pete:** And they just

 **Pete:** CRASH into a pile of garbage 

**Harls:** what 

**Harls:** is

 **Harls:** this

 **Ned:** This is why I’ve taken five showers so far today

 **Harry:** i dont deserve this

 **Pete:** You deserve all of this

**Tuesday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** do you ever think like

 **Harls:** how do cows feel about cheese

 **Peter:** N o

**Peter:** Remember when we used to play games

 **Harls:** you mean when i came up with the incredibly sly

 **Harls:** and s m o o t h way

 **Harls:** to give you my name

 **Peter:** YES

 **Peter:** wait 

**Peter:** WAIT

 **Peter:** THAT WAS PLANNED

 **Peter:**?!

 **Harls:** OF COURSE IT WAS PLANNED 

**Harls:** A CUTE BOY WAS TEXTING ME AND HAD ME AS NOT-NED IN HIS PHONE

 **Peter:** What if you had won????

 **Harls:** i would have told you my prize

 **Harls:** was me telling you what to change my contact to

 **Harls:** which would be 

**Harls:** my name

 **Peter:** 😮

 **Peter:** You sly hot cowboy

 **Harls:** 😉

**Wednesday**

**Peter:** No one

 **Peter:** Absolutely no one

 **Peter:** Tony Stark, “I invented t i m e t r a v e l wash the dishes for me”.

 **Harls:** lol little bitch

**Peter:** Did you get the vaccine yet?

 **Harls:** lmao no

 **Harls:** i told you my appointment is mid-july

 **Peter:** But

 **Peter:** What’s the point of inventing a vaccine if I can’t see you anytime soon? 

**Peter:** No wait

 **Peter:** I’m sorry

 **Peter:** That sounds really really

 **Peter:** r.e.a.l.l.y selfish

 **Harls:** you know you’re allowed to be selfish every now and then right?

 **Harls:** like there’s really no harm in that

 **Peter:** This isn’t the sort of thing to be selfish about

 **Harls:** it’s perfectly normal to

 **Harls:** ya know

 **Harls:** want something to move quicker 

**Peter:** I know, I know

 **Harls:** do you though?

**_Soulmate_ **

**Gwen:** i cant wait to see u again

 **Ned:**!!!!!!!! 

**Ned:** I miss you so much!!!!

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Harls:** wanna see something funny

 **Ned:** Maybe

 **Harry:** yes

 **Pete:** HARLEY NO

 **Harry:** more so now

 **Harls:** [Peter](https://pin.it/4ZQE9oh)

 **Harls:** how pete video chats

**Pete:** Betrayal

**_Harley Weiner_ **

**Peter:** Obligatory revenge text

 **Peter:** [Harley](https://pin.it/mKgegNs)

**Abs:** I can literally see up your nose

 **Gwen:** lol 

**Gwen:** luv this

 **Harls:** this is w a r parker

 **Peter:** B r i n g i t Keener

**_W hat the Shit Parker_ **

**Harry:** i want to sleep

 **Harry:** but i also want to

 **Harry:** no wait

 **Harry:** i take it back

 **Harry:** i really wanna sleep

 **Pete:** Har, sleep. 

**Harry:** i do what i want

 **Ned:** Go to sleep Harry. 

**Harls:** DON’T GO TO SLEEP HARRY

 **Harls:** THIS IS R E V E N G E TIME

**Pete:** Omfg Harley no

 **Harry:** omfg 

**Harry:** harley yes

 **Ned:** HARLEY YES

**Harls:** on our first date pete spilled soy sauce all over his shirt 

**Harry:** boring

 **Ned:** Yeah Peter drops things all the time

**Harls:** pete had NEVER seen an entire Harry Potter movie until the quarantine

 **Ned:** But he QUOTES IT?!

**Harls:** he has a dance that he does whenever he eats a good meal

**Harry:** omg

 **Harry:** he DOES

 **Harry:** y have i never noticed it

**Harls:** me “i love you”

 **Harls:** pete “lmao dumbass”

**Harry:** way back when

 **Harry:** peter forgot he was allergic to peanuts

 **Harry:** and ate like a huge container of them

**Ned:** Peter started crying once because a butterfly landed on his shoulder

**Pete:** Why are you joining in?

 **Pete:** What did I do to deserve this?

**Harry:** “i wish i could eat my enemies so theyd leave me tf alone”

**Pete:** Hey Harry

 **Pete:** Remember when you had a crush on May?

 **Pete:** And proposed to her.

 **Pete:** And cried when she told you she was married to Ben

 **Pete:** Because you thought they were just roommates.

**Ned:** oof

 **Pete:** Oh! 

**Pete:** And Ned

 **Ned:** Peter no

 **Pete:** Remember when you tried to do the splits

 **Pete:** And strained your groin. 

**Ned:** I’m sorry I ever hurt you. 

**_Harley Weiner_ **

**Peter:** Harley sings broadway musicals to Kevin 

**Peter:** Harley has a really bad British accent that he thinks is good

 **Peter:** Harley secretly has a collection of tsum tsums he hides in his workshop

 **Peter:** When they came out with the Mulan one he cried 

**Peter:** HARLEY SECRETLY LIKES BRYAN

**Harls:** SLANDER   
****

**Harls:** I DO NOT

 **Harls:** BRYAN IS THE WORST

**Peter:** Harley has to sing the quadratic formula to himself whenever he uses it

 **Peter:** Harley actually really likes My Little Pony

 **Peter:** Harley actually liked the Justice League movie

 **Harls:** ben affleck is the most comic book accurate batman!

 **Peter:** Harley HATES Stranger Things

 **Peter:** Harley eats oreos by rolling the creme into little balls and then into one big ball and eating that separate and then just THROWS OUT the cookie????

 **Harls:** peter’s favorite part of the oreo is the cookie!

 **Peter:** HARLEY HAS A FOLDER OF PICTURES OF KEVIN WEARING HATS THAT HE REFUSES TO SHARE   
  


**Abs:** What

 **Gwen:** lmao what is happening

**Thursday**

**_Tony Stank_ **

**Tony:** I thought you’d like this.

**Tony:[May and Peter](https://pin.it/6JdnRtu)**

**Harley:** i was going to say

 **Harley:** why is this little bitch texting me

 **Harley:** but then it was a picture of the most gorgeous man ever

 **Harley:** and i was okay with it

 **Tony:** I’m not in that picture. 

**Harley:** you’re trash

 **Tony:** Wow this hurts.

 **Harley:** good

**Harley:** thanks for the picture, though

 **Harley:** i appreciate it

 **Tony:** Anytime, Keener.

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Harls:** guess who just got out

 **Harry:** of prison?

 **Ned:** Harry’s dad?

 **Harry:** dont even joke 

**Pete:** Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

 **Harls:** [May and Peter](https://pin.it/6JdnRtu)

 **Harls:** tony stanker sent this

 **Pete:** Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

 **Ned:** MAY?!

 **Harry:** MAYYYYYYYYYY

 **Harls:** M A Y 

**Pete:** I’m not letting her go

 **Pete:** Never ever ever

**Harry:** srs question

 **Harry:** @Harls @Pete

 **Pete:** Hmm?

 **Harls:** shoot

 **Harry:** have u 2 ever 

**Harry:** internet banged

 **Pete:** 😮

 **Ned:** Jfc Harry 

**Ned:** 😂

 **Harry:** well

 **Harry:** have u

 **Pete:** Have you and MJ?

 **Harry:** lmao

 **Harry:** ye

 **Ned:** Things I didn’t need to see:

 **Pete:** this

**Harls:** i mean

 **Harls:** i’m not against it

**Harry:** rofl

 **Harry:** may just texted me 

**Harry:** “he won’t unbury his head from the couch what did you do”

 **Ned:** Oh god I missed May

 **Ned:** She’s the best at Exposing Peter

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** i mean

 **Harls:** i don’t want you to think i expect anything

 **Peter:** I

 **Peter:** I just

 **Peter:** I don’t NOT want to

 **Harls:** o

 **Harls:** o h 

**Harls:** w e l l 

**Harls:** uhm

 **Peter:** I just

 **Peter:** I just would rather

 **Peter:** ugh

 **Peter:** Why am I so awkward

 **Peter:** I am but a s i m p l e b a b y and I don’t k n o w words

 **Harls:** i think i’ve gotten okay at peter talk

 **Peter:** I love you

 **Harls:** i love you too

 **Peter:** And I want to d o 

**Peter:** T h i n g s 

**Peter:** Preferably with you 

**Peter:** But only if 

**Peter:** Only if it’s w i t h y o u 

**Peter:** You know?

**Harls:** i get it

 **Harls:** we only do what both of us are comfortable with

 **Harls:** that being said

 **Harls:** i definitely want to do everything

 **Harls:** with you

 **Harls:** when ever

**Friday**

**_The Gang_ **

**Harls:** why can’t august hurry up and get here already

 **Gwen:** because that isnt how time works

 **Harls:** i want peter

 **Gwen:** lol like bang

**Gwen: 😎**

**Harls:** ye

**Gwen:** w h o a 

**Gwen:** lmao not that im complaining

 **Gwen:** he is pretty h awt 

**Harls:** i’m cry

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** Tony, Morgan and I went to breakfast today

 **Harls:** god send waffles

 **Peter:** The waitress asked Morgan if she wanted the kid’s menu

 **Peter:** Morgan, “I don’t know, do I look like a kid?” 

**Peter:** The waitress, “Uhm....” 

**Peter:** Morgan, “Just give me the menu Nancy.” 

**Harls:** i think Morgan is the only stark i respect

 **Peter:** But Pepper

 **Peter:** 😮

 **Harls:** she’s not a real stark

 **Harls:** she can’t help her husband is the w o r s t 

**Peter:** [Peter, Morgan and Tony](https://pin.it/2LUPudm)

 **Harls:** why

 **Harls:** why are you so cute

 **Harls:** w h y

 **Harls:** i don’t know who the caveman holding onto the child is though

 **Harls:** he looks like he

 **Harls:** needs to be punched 

**_What the Shit Parker_ **

**Harry:** update

 **Harry:** my girlfriend is still the most beautiful woman ever

 **Pete:** Ding dong, you are wrong

 **Pete:** (have you seen May)

 **Harry:** [MJ](https://pin.it/2CwOX9f)

 **Pete:** Hey I took that!

 **Harls:** i am amazed by you

**Ned:** Fighting words, Harry.

 **Ned:** Cuz have you seen mine? 

**Ned:** [Gwen](https://pin.it/7pvjWl3)

**Harry:** everyone

 **Harry:** but may

 **Harry:** pales in comparison

 **Harry:** to michelle jones

 **Harry:** [MJ](https://pin.it/51vV5y7)

 **Pete:** Hey I took that one too!

**Harls:** lol why do you have a picture of gwen 

**Harls:** @ned

**Ned:** Oh no. 

**Pete:** 😮

 **Pete:** Nedthanial?????!!!!!!

**Harls:** wait do you

 **Harls:** wait

**_The Gang_ **

  
**Harls:** you crafty bitch

 **Gwen:** lmao ned spilled huh


	13. Clusterf**k

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I genuinely love all of you.

**_Cluskerfuck_ **

**Harls** : okay fess up 

**Harls** : you fiends 

**Harry** : y am i here

**MJ:** Yeah losers why am I here

**Peter** : MJJJJJJJJJJJ

**Peter** : MICHELLE JONES

**MJ:** hi Peter

**Peter** : Hi!!!!! 

**Ned** : I did nothing wrong

**Gwen** : this is gon be a mess

**Harry** : no really

**Harry** : y am i on this earth 

**Peter** : Whoa man

**MJ:** I don't have time for your crisis Osborn

**Harry** : im so lost

**Peter** : What happened? 

**Peter** : Are you okay? 

**Peter** : Who has to die? 

**MJ:** Do you see what you made him do, Harry? 

**Harls** : yea he's like 

**Harls** : legit worried

**Harry:** this world is so cruel 

**MJ:** omfg Harry

**MJ** : Peter he's fine 

**Harry:** no im not

**Peter** : Who am I killing

**MJ:** He dropped his last piece of cake frosting down

**MJ:** He's just being dramatic

**Peter** : Omg 

**Peter** : The world's gotta go now

**Peter** : Brb gonna go blow up the world

**Harry** : pete is a tru friend 

**Harls** : i had a reason for this chat

**Gwen:** no u didnt

**Harls** : GWEN AND NED ARE DATING 

**Harls** : AND THEY SET UP ME AND PETER

**Harls** : AND I DON'T KNOW HOW

**Peter** : NEDTHANIAL

**Harry** : lmao i forgot about that 

**MJ:** None of this explains why I'm here

**Harls** : ask peter

**Peter** : MJ I missed you

**MJ:** Fine. 

**Peter** : 🙂

**MJ:** 🙂

**Ned** : I did NOTHING WRONG

**Peter:** I know and I love you.

**Harls** : you literally 

**Harls** : somehow

**Harls** : set us up

**Gwen:** lol yeh

**Gwen:** my idea

**Harls** : HOW

**Harry** : y am i HERE though

**Harry** : i dont even know this gwen chick

**Gwen** : i am gwen and i am hbic

**MJ:** Fight me. 

**Gwen** : square up

**Peter** : Please no fight. 

**Peter** : Only love

**Harls** : so pure

**Harls** : i'll fight though 

**Harls** : i'll throw down

**Harls** : if you don't give me answers

**Peter:** lmao no he won't 

**Gwen:** lmao no u wont

**Gwen** : HEY

**Peter** : HEY

**Gwen** : peter is perf

**Peter** : Gwen is my soulmate

**Harls** : whoa n o

**Ned** : NO

**Ned:** PETER YOU ALREADY HAVE A HOT BOY

**Ned** : YOU CAN'T HAVE THE HOTTEST GIRL TOO

**Harry:** yeh pete u cant have MJ

**MJ** : Peter's had me. 

**MJ:** It was… 

**MJ:** … weird.

**Peter:** Lmao yeah that was like

**Peter:** like

**Peter:** like dating a sister 

**MJ:** We literally kissed once 

**MJ** : And our dates were the two of us staring at boys butts together 

**MJ** : And Peter pretending he wasn't. 

**Harls** : e x p o s e d 

**Peter** : But NED

**Peter** : HOW DID YOU DO IT

**Harry** : m a g i c 

**Ned** : I did NOTHING WRONG

**Peter:** H O W 

**Gwen** : lol he hacked ur phone

**Ned** : Hsijxodj

**Ned** : Okay it wasn't hard 

**Ned** : You haven't changed your password since 2013. 

**Peter** : Rude. 

**Harry** : lmao remember when ned told pete he had a gf 

**Harry** : and pete just

**Harry** : forgot

**Gwen** : remember when i told harley

**Gwen:** i was dating a boy named ned

**Gwen** : and harls was just like

**Gwen:** lol 

**Gwen** : pete has a friend named ned

**Ned** : We were gonna tell you

**Ned** : At your wedding. 

**MJ:** lmao 

**Harry:** ur both dum

**Peter** : I mean

**Peter** : We been knew

**Peter** : lol remember when 

**Peter** : I invented a vaccine 

**Peter** : and then my aunt got yeeted off a roof 

**Peter** : cuz that was w i l d 

**Gwen** : wait ur aunt got what

**Harls** : jfc parker

**Harry** : lmao 

**Ned** : This is Normal

**MJ:** I assume now that Everyone Knows and just likes to pretend they don't for Peter's sake 

**Gwen** : know wat

**Gwen** : wat dont i know 

**Ned** : Nothing babe 

**Harls** : i'm cry

**Harls** : why are you so bad at keeping secrets 

**Peter** : but really

**Peter:** anyone remember

**Peter** : because I may be

**Harry:** u ok dude

**Peter** : lol no

**Peter** : i cant brethe 

**Harry** : mj and i are on our way 

**MJ:** Hold on boo

**Ned:** Calling May

**Gwen:** oh 

**Gwen** : peter bby

**Gwen** : breathe 

**Harls** : calling 

_ Outgoing call to My Favorite Dumbass  _

_ Call accepted. _

"Babe?" 

"Hi." 

"Want to hear about Kevin?" 

"No… maybe… I don't… she's still… she's still… out there and…" 

"Oh darlin'."

" _ She knows who I am. _ " 

"Tony moved you guys into the penthouse, right?" 

"But she… what if she comes back and…." 

"Peter, darlin', you can't… you can't spend your time thinking about hypotheticals."

"You don't under _ stand _ ." 

"What if she doesn't come back?" A sigh. "Pete… babe…  _ darlin'  _ you can't let her rule your life like this. I mean you literally have the Winter Soldier lookin' for her." 

"I just… ugh why can't you be here?" 

"I'll be there before you know it." 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**MJ:** [MJ, Pete and Ned](https://pin.it/3FRAnGG)

**MJ:** I guess I missed you losers 

**Harry** : but not me

**MJ** : Never you. 

**Harry** : 😭

**Gwen** : lmao ded

**Peter** : Your romance astounds me. 

**Harry** : its ok ill always have peter 

**Harls** : bitch

**Harry** : the world is cruel

**Peter:** @ned 

**Ned** : What's up home skillet 

**Harry** : ew 

**MJ:** literally never say that again

**Ned** : Home. Skillet. 

**Peter** : May says thanks for the chocolates. 

**Ned** : Maaaaay 

**Harry** : its cool its cool 

**Harry:** i just paid for those but 

**Harry** : its cool lov ned more

**MJ** : lmao we do

**Ned** : May calls you weekly, Harry

**Harry** : tru tru 

**Harls** : lmao

**Harls** : she calls me daily

**Peter:** What. 

**Ned** : Jelly

**Harry** : 😮

**MJ:** Me too. 

**Monday**

**_Clusterfuck _ **

**Gwen** : i lov how chill every1 was to ned and i 

**Harry** : lmao pete pushed ned in a pool and said 

**Harry:** rEvEnGe

**Gwen** : o shit

**Harls** : don't you worry gwendolyn

**Harls** : i'm coming for you 

**Harls** : 👿

**Gwen** : lol ur not scary

**Harls** : @peter

**Peter** : I gottchu babe 

**Harls** : b a b e 

**Peter** : 🙃

**Peter:** [Matt](https://pin.it/5ynBEub)

**Harls** : hng 

**Harry** : that man

**Ned** : I want to be him. 

**Gwen** : who is the popsicle on a hot day

**Peter** : Please stop thirsting over my Matt-Dad

**Gwen** : he doesnt look old enough to be ur dad 

**Peter** : Don't tell him that.

**Harls:** GWENDOLYN 

**Gwen** : HARLEY

**Harls:** WHY DID YOU SEND ABBY A NERF GUN 

**Gwen** : lmao 

**Gwen:** w a r 

**Harls** : bitch you gon die

**Gwen** : 🤷‍♀️ 

**Gwen:** u gotta do wat u gotta do

**Ned:** Gwen no

**Harls** : rip gwen

**Harls** : i'm coming for you

**Gwen** : bring it country boi

**Gwen** : one time

**Peter** : At band camp

**Ned** : At band camp

**Harry** : at band camp

**Gwen** : ONE TIME harley tried a cigar to be e d g y 

**Harls** : 😂 that was a mess

**Gwen** : [Harley](https://pin.it/7hT1skW)

**Gwen** : he started choking after 

**Harls** : i looked like a badass for one minute

**Peter** : duxojshixobd

**Harls** : oh babe

**Peter** : I 

**Gwen:** that boy t h i r s t y 

**Harry** : gay 

**Ned** : Keep it in your pants Peter.

**Harls** : or take off the pants, peter 

**Harls** : 😉😉😉😉😉😉

**Peter** : hng

**Harry** : NO 

**Harry** : NOT HERE 

**Gwen** : yes here 

**Ned** : Gwen 

**Ned** : 😂😂

**Peter:** I was sparring with Matt and

**Peter** : He just

**Peter** : punched himself in the face 

**Peter** : because I ducked out of the way 

**Harls** : why did you duck though

**Peter** : Habit. 

**Ned:** lmao

**Harry** : p e t e r t i n g l e 

**Peter** : smh 

**Gwen** : that sounds wrong

**Peter** : If this is wrong 

**Harls:** then i don't wanna be right 

**MJ:** I 

**MJ:** hate

**MJ:** group

**MJ:** chats

**Peter** : MJ 

**Peter** : I

**Peter** : love

**Harry** : 1 gay cowboy

**Peter** : you

**Peter** : wait 

**Peter** : and what Harry said 

**Harls** : 😍

**Harls** : i'm so lucky

**Harry** : hey @harls

**Harls** : what

**Harry** : pete still doesnt know right

**Peter** : What do I not know? 

**Harry** : lit so much 

**Harls** : i know nothing

**Harry** : cool gottcha

**Peter:** [Tony](https://pin.it/7AI7tKg)

**Harls** : this bitch

**MJ:** ^^

**Gwen** : r we all just accepting that peter knows famous people

**Ned** : Yes

**Harry** : ye

**Harls** : this is the worst person peter knows

**Peter** : Sir that is my Tony-Dad. 

**Ned** : Sir that is my emotional support, Tony 

**Harry:** sir that is my emotional support avenger

**MJ:** Irondad 

**Harls:** needs a punch 

**Peter** : Harley why

**Harls** : he knows why

**Peter** : But I don't know why???? 

**Harls:** don't you worry your cute face about it 

**Peter:** but

**Harls** : shhhh 

**Peter** : [NYC](https://pin.it/3f8QpiO)

**Peter:** [NYC](https://pin.it/2vlrcYf)

**Peter** : [NYC](https://pin.it/7yWxcaH)

**Gwen** : o

**Harls** : w h o a 

**MJ:** Nice 

**Harry** : somehow u make this shit city

**Harry** : look nice

**Ned:** "it's just a hobby" 

**Harls** : [Fireworks store](https://pin.it/48oe0gr)

**Harls:** bout to blow up TN 

**MJ:** Cool. 

**Gwen** : dont get caught

**Peter** : Please don't. 

**Ned** : wild.

**Harry** : if u need a lawyer let me know

**Gwen** : wait

**Gwen** : @harry is Harry Osborn? 

**Harry** : 😎

**Gwen** : coolcoolcool

**Tuesday**

**_Personal Stalker _ **

**Tony** : So

**Peter** : So

**Peter** ? 

**Tony** : Don't panic. 

**Peter** : Ominous. 

**Tony** : Friday caught Arachne on a security camera leaving Virginia. 

**Peter** : what

**Tony** : I already told Barnes and he's on it. 

**Tony** : Don't you even think about going after her yourself. 

**Tony** : Let him handle it. 

**Peter** : You know what this case has been doing to him 

**Peter** : And you still want him to just 

**Peter** : Handle it on his own? 

**Tony:** He has Sam. 

**Peter** : No offense Tony but Captain Sam can't stand up in a fight against Buck or Arachne. 

**Tony** : She will only ever be your problem again it she comes back to NYC. 

**Peter** : smh fine

**Peter** : for now fine 

**_My Favorite Dumbass _ **

**Peter** : I miss your face

**Harls** : you just saw my face 

**Harls** : i mean 

**Harls:** same 

**Peter** : Can I be selfish? 

**Harls** : ofc

**Peter** : So like 

**Peter** : Life isn't back to normal yet

**Peter** : And I really want it to be

**Peter** : and it's driving me i n s a n e

**Peter:** cuz like 

**Peter** : my favorite corner store is still closed

**Peter** : my coffee shop is never opening again

**Peter** : teachers still want me to be looking for internships and jobs

**Peter** : and they're all like 

**Peter** : what's next Peter 

**Peter** : what are you going to do next

**Peter** : and I already 

**Peter** : I already made you a freaking vaccine

**Peter** : I already fight wars for you

**Peter** : and it's still

**Peter** : not

**Peter:** enough

**Peter** : and the one thing I want to do

**Peter** : is kiss your fucking stupid face

**Peter** : and everyone is saying

**Peter** : it's not safe yet 

**Peter** : don't do it yet pete 

**Peter** : and I am so tired of waiting 

**Peter** : for the world to decide that I've done enough 

**Peter** : And I can f i n a l l y

**Peter** : never let you go again

**Harls** : i uhm

**Harls** : wow

**Harls** : i get only like half of this

**Harls** : and i want

**Harls** : shit 

**Harls:** i 

**Harls** : W A N T 

**Harls** : you s o much 

**Harls** : ugh

**Peter** : sometimes

**Peter** : sometimes the world really sucks 

**Peter** : and sometimes that's not fair 

**Peter** : because there is only one thing that I want to suck 

**Peter:** and it is not the world 

**Harls:** well

**Harls** : fuck

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** one time

**Peter:** at band camp

**Ned** : At band camp

**Harry:** lmao actually 

**Harry** : pete remember when you tried to play the trumpet 

**Peter** : nO

**Harls** : [Sparkler and Abby](https://pin.it/482UUST)

**Harls** : [Sparkler](https://pin.it/70ywRBC)

**Harls** : happy birfday america

**Peter:** I love you

**Harry** : gay

**Harls** : i love you too

**Ned** : Disgusting 

**Gwen** : tell me more

**Peter** : I wanna be

**Harls** : a starship ranger 

**Peter** : where the people are 

**Harls** : whoop wrong musical 

  
  


**MJ:** remember when this chat had a point

**Harls** : YEAH DO YOU GWEN

**Gwen:** im not sorry

**Peter:** Why did you even set us up anyway?

**Ned** : You were sad

**Ned** : and lonely

**Ned** : And I was happy with Gwen

**Ned** : And Harry and MJ were happy together 

**Ned** : And when Gwen told me about Harley 

**Ned** : He sounded just like 

**Ned** :Your type. 

**Gwen** : and we knew u wouldnt talk to each other unless forced so

**Gwen** : ned deleted his # from ur phone 

**Gwen** : and gave u harleys when u asked him 4 it

**Gwen** : and u 2 clicked

**Ned** : Yeah. 

**Harls** : that's actually 

**Peter** : Ned I'm c r y i n g 

**Ned** : I just want you to be happy, Peter

**Peter** : I love 

**Ned** : I love

**_Message from Unknown_ **

**Unknown** : Harley, hey. It's dad. I was hoping I could take you and Abby out to dinner sometime soon. 

**Harley** : Fuck 

**Harley** : You

**Harley** : No. 


	14. Seashore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for Harley's dad being a creep. 
> 
> Me: I have plaaaans  
> Also me: lmao what is even going on with this story

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls** : lol

**Harls** : my dad's a jerk

**Harry** : lmao 

**Harry** : join the club

**Harry** : wat did ur dad do

**Harls** : left to buy cigarettes and never came back

**Harls** : like 13 years ago

**Harls:** and then texts me now 

**Harls** : like nothing happened

**Ned:** Damn

**Gwen** : aww sweetie

**MJ:** Wow

**MJ:** Where's your Peter

**Peter** : I am here 

**Peter** : May is also here

**Peter** : So is Matt

**Peter** : May says 

**Ned** : Hi May!

**Harry** : HI MAY

**Gwen:** i dont know her but hi may

**MJ:** Hi May

**Peter** : "Who even does that?"

**Peter** : Matt says 

**Harry** : m a t t 

**Ned** : Matt I want to be you

**Peter** : "punch him" 

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** Hey, you okay

**Harls** : i mean

**Harls** : he cant just come back yaknow

**Harls** : he left

**Harls** : HE left 

**Harls** : he doesnt get to dictate when he comes back

**Peter** : No, Harls he doesn't

**Harls** : but like

**Harls** : he's also my dad 

**Harls** : and i missed having a dad and

**Harls** : i don't know i don't know 

**Peter** : Babe you don't 

**Harls** : how do i even tell abby

**Harls** : like she barely remembers him

**Peter:** You don't have to tell anyone

**Harls** : i don't even know how he got my number

**Peter** : I mean 

**Peter** : I could maybe

**Peter** : I'm sorry I'm so bad at this

**Harls:** i dont know if i want to punch something

**Harls** : or cry

**Harls** : or set something on fire

**Peter:** All of your emotions are valid

**Peter** : I hate that he's doing this to you

**Peter** : 😕

**Harls** : i hate that i'm letting him do this to me

**Peter:** I want to give you a hug so bad right now

**Harls** : i want

**Harls** : ugh

**Harls** : this year has been an absolute shit storm 

**Harls** : and i hate this fucking town 

**Harls** : you are the only good thing i have ever been given

**Harls** : and i know

**Harls:** i'm gonna fuck this up somehow

**Peter** : Harley

**Peter** : Babe 

**Peter** : No

**Peter** : You're not. 

**Peter** : I'm not going anywhere.

**Harls** : what if i'm like him

**Harls** : what if i just 

**Harls** : i can't commit to anything 

**Harls** : it's a frequent problem

**Harls** : and the only constant i've ever been given is Abby

**Harls** : and i don't know how to be 

**Harls** : both her dad and brother 

**Harls** : and when it comes down to it

**Harls** : what if i go too

**Harls** : what if i go and she stays and i never come back

**Harls** : what if i do to you what he did to mom and us

**Harls** : you can't lose anyone else

**Peter** : And what if you don't? 

**Peter:** Harls we can't live our lives in hypotheticals. 

**Peter** : You told me that. 

**Peter:** You can only give the world yourself. 

**Peter** : Don't let him do this to you. 

**Peter** : Don't give him this sort of control. 

**Harls:** but he's my dad

**Harls** : he's had this control forever 

**Peter:** People only can get what you're willing to give. 

**Peter:** The boundaries are set. If he crosses them and gets burned by the flames that's on him. Not you. 

**Harls** : i love you

**Peter** : I love you too. 

  
  


**Friday**

  
  


**_The Gang_ **

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Harley:** mornin’

**Gwen:** how r u 

**Harls:** 🤷‍♂️

**Harls:** i’ll be okay

**Harls:** i think

**Gwen:** u dont have 2 be

**Harls:** i can only be broken to so many people gwen

**Gwen:** how long until NY

**Harls:** two weeks

**Harls:** it couldn’t come any faster

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Gwen:** guess who just got vaccinated

**Ned:** So cool

**MJ:** yas girl

**Harls:** @Peter

**Peter:** I was summoned

**Peter:** Oh

**Peter:** !!!!!!!!!!!

**Harry:** lookit u 

**Harry:** helping pple n shit

**Peter:** Everytime someone gets this vaccine I’m so happy I might cry

**MJ:** (by might he means he is)

**Harls:** (he really is)

**Gwen:** (peter i love u)

**Peter:** (Gwen I love you too)

**Harls:** (gwen stop stealing my boyfriend)

**Gwen:** (bitch uve been chatting him all day)

**Harry:** lmao guys wat the fuck

**Ned:** (They have been chatting all day)

**MJ:** (Peter make me pancakes)

**Peter:** (Okay MJ) 

**MJ:** a n g e l 

**Gwen:** i called harley and this bitch 

**Gwen:** h u n g u p o n m e 

**Harry:** lmao he was chatting w pete

**Gwen:** they have been chatting all day

**Gwen:** @Peter give me back my gay bff

**Peter:** N O

**Gwen:** wow rude

**MJ:** At any point in time you can find Peter and Harley both video chatting, texting each other, and texting this group. 

**Harls:** i mean

**Harls:** you ain’t wrong

**Peter:** Why did no one tell me about Miss Fischer’s Murder Mysteries

**Peter:** And why did I have to find out from Captain Sam

**Gwen:** lmao who is captain sam

**Ned:** Sometimes I remember how cool your life is

**MJ:** Miss Fischer is life 

**Harls:** i want franny fischer to step on me

**Harry:** wow ok

**Gwen:** good job not answering me

**Gwen:** 👍

**Harry:** pete wat do u want to do for ur birthday

**Harry:** dont say harley

**Gwen:** lmao pls say harley

**MJ:** You’re all a disaster

**Ned:** Legos!!!!

**Harls:** lmao what even

**Peter:** … 

**Peter:** Harley.

**Harry:** smh

**Harls:** mwahahaha

**Gwen:** i had to celebrate my birthday in quarantine

**Gwen:** it s u c k e d

**Gwen:** but now im at the beach and its time to chill 

**Gwen:** i miss my fav country boi

**Harls:** aww gwendolyn i miss you too

**Ned:** But not me? 

**Ned:** 😒

**Gwen:** aww babe of course u

**Gwen:** i didnt know peter then

**Gwen:** but i missed peter most

**Peter:** Ayyyyy

**Ned:** Whoa rude

**Ned:** Stop stealing my girl, Parker

**Peter:** Never.

**Ned:** I’ll just steal Harley then

**Harls:** no offense Ned

**Harls:** but imma say no

**Harls:** i am a one Peter man

**_Message from Unknown_ **

**Unknown:** Harley, I know you’re getting these. 

**Unknown:** I just want to talk. 

**Saturday**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** i made a new friend

**Peter:** A person friend 

**Peter:** or an animal friend

**Peter:** Because I am okay with either. 

**Peter:** (but I hope it’s the animal)

**Harls:** [Simon](https://pin.it/6weyEug)

**Harls:** this is Simon

**Harls:** he is my baby

**Harls:** he fits in the palm of my hand

**Harls:** and i found him in my coffee cup

**Harls:** [Simon](https://pin.it/6jtoCo1)

**Peter:** what

**Peter:** 😭😭

**Peter:** Where even do you live to meet these babies

**Harls:** lmao 

**Harls:** bumfuck tennesee

**Peter:** [Sir Charles](https://pin.it/1dFa7Kc)

**Peter:** Matt and I share custody

**Peter:** It’s pretty great

**Harls:** this is perfection

**Harls:** can we have a farm when we’re older

**Peter:** Of course

**Peter:** Only if we kill no animals though

**Harls:** i mean

**Harls:** obviously

**Harls:** they will be our children

**Peter:** I MET DAISY IN THE PARK

**Harls:** DAISY?!

**Peter:** [Daisy](https://pin.it/urkl7yB)

**Harls:** DAISY!!!!!!

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** remember when my dad went crazy

**Ned:** Harry why

**MJ:** You good, hon?

**Gwen:** that shit was all over the news

**Harls:** lmao

**Harls:** uncomfortable dad joke

**Peter:** Ofc 

**Peter:** He yeeted me out a window

**Peter:** How could I forget

**Harry:** lmao he yeeted me down the stairs

**Peter:** He yeeted me off a building

**Harry:** id say you win

**Harry:** but i had to live w him

**Peter:** Yeah Norman was a bitch

**Gwen:** what the fuck

**MJ:** A daily question, tbh

**Gwen:** [Seashore](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0H6eKIelHE)

**Gwen:** im the drummer

**MJ:** what is this

**MJ:** beautiful music

**MJ:** playing in my speakers

**Gwen:** 😊

**Peter:** Gwen 

**Peter:** You’re amazing

**Harls:** this is the soooooooong

**Gwen:** yeh boi

**Harls:** i love it

**Harls:** i’m so proud

**Harls:** my queen

**Ned:** I bow to you. 

**Harry:** this is cool 

**Sunday**

**Harry:** i brought my favs 

**Harry:** to a dog shelter

**Harry:** you’re welcome 

**Harry:** [MJ, Ned, and Peter](https://pin.it/6RGhhJj)

**Gwen:** @ned

**Gwen:** adopt that dog

**Ned:** Done and done

**Peter:** I wanted to adopt the babies

**Peter:** But May said no

**Harry:** welp

**Harry:** guess i gotta go adopt a bunch of dogs

**Harry:** 🙃

**Harls:** this picture

**Harls:** pete babe 

**Harls:** babe

**Harls:** i love you

**MJ:** Disgusting

**Harry:** ick

**Ned:** lmao gaaaaay

**Peter:** I love you too

**Peter:** [Matt](https://pin.it/5ExNXV4)

**Harls:** babe that 

**Harls:** that pic

**Peter:** [Matt and Karen](https://pin.it/749kf1y)

**Harls:** you can

**Harls:** see the love i

**Harry:** m a t t 

**Ned:** Matt let me be you

**Gwen:** that shot is 

**Gwen:** masterpiece

**MJ:** He’s okay I guess

**MJ:** Karen’s cooler

**Peter:** We went out to lunch

**Peter:** For once, neither me nor Matt were a disaster

**MJ:** shocking

**Peter:** I know

**Peter:** I’m s h o o k myself

**_Message from Unknown_ **

**Unknown:** I miss my kids. 

**Unknown:** We don’t have to meet up. 

**Unknown:** But I would like to talk. 

**Harley:** Ten years too late. 

**Unknown:** Oh, so you do know how to work a phone. 

**Harley:** Do me a favor

**Harley:** And fuck off. 

**Monday**

**_Tony Stank_ **

**Tony:** Do you have a plan for surprising Pete?

**Harley:** i’m working on it with May

**Tony:** What’s the plan? 

**Tony:** With his senses surprises don’t really work. 

**Harley:** trust me, old man

**Harley:** i know how to surprise my boyfriend

**Tony:** You trust me, Keener

**Tony:** These senses are no joke.

**Harley:** if i’m not a threat to him

**Harley:** which i’m not

**Harley:** they shouldn’t go off

**Tony:** If you need help let me know. 

**Harley:** i think

**Harley:** ugh

**Harley:** nvm

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**MJ:** One time

**Harry:** at band camp

**Peter:** at band camp

**Ned:** at band camp

**Gwen:** at band camp

**Harls:** i fear MJ

**Harls:** so i’m not gonna say it

**MJ:** Smart

**MJ:** One time 

**Harry:** at band camp

**MJ:** I will dump you

**Harry:** 😯

**Harry:** pls dont

**MJ:** Then stfu

**Peter:** You two love each other

**Peter:** And it confuddles me

**Ned:** You’re an adult

**Peter:** Your point?

**Ned:** I don’t have one

**Gwen:** MJ

**Gwen:** my queen

**Gwen:** wat was ur story

**MJ** : Harry hates haunted houses

**MJ:** and he HATES clowns

**MJ:** but I love them

**Peter:** Haunted houses are the fucking worst

**Harls:** i love the haunted hayride my town puts on

**Harls:** it’s like the one good thing this shit town does

**MJ:** So I dragged him along anyway

**Harry:** no wait

**Harry:** im still mad at this

**Harry:** u told me we were going to dinner

**MJ:** I bought you dinner

**Harry:** u bought me mcdonalds and then 

**Harry:** made me piss my pants 

**Harry:** in front of a bunch of kids

**Pete:** lmao I remember that

**Ned:** Why has no one told me this before

**Gwen:** hot damn 

**Harls:** hot piss more like

**Harry:** ow harley

**Pete:** Oof

**Pete:** 😂😂😂😂

**Pete:** [MJ and Harry](https://pin.it/60zf9L2)

**Pete:** creep shot

**MJ:** For half asleep I don’t look too bad

**Gwen:** MJ 

**Gwen:** u r a goddess

**_Message from Unknown_ **

**Unknown:** Abby works at that grocery store, right?

**_Tony Stank_ **

**Harley:** i think i

**Harley:** i actually need help

**Tony:** With Pete?

**Harley:** no

**Harley:** i literally will never ask for your help with Peter

**Tony:** Whoa okay ouch

**Harley:** my dad

**Tony:** Oh. 

**Harley:** he won’t leave me alone

**Harley:** i want him to leave me alone

**Tony:** Okay

**Tony:** I’ll… try. 

**Tony:** Are you okay? 

**Harley:** idk 

**Harley:** yeah

**Harley:** idfk

**Tony:** Okay. 

**Tony:** Let me know when you figure it out. 

**Tony:** And if he messages again. 

**August 1, 2020**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Peter:** [Sir Charles](https://pin.it/5bNWIn0)

**Peter:** May wants to know how you’re holding up

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** Hey @everyone

**Pete:** Has anyone heard from Harley?

**Gwen:** not since last nite

**Ned:** Nope

**Harry:** nah

**MJ:** I don’t text your boyfriend

**Pete:** Okay well

**Pete:** I haven’t heard from him all day

**Pete:** And I’m worried?????

**Harry:** dont be

**Ned:** Yeah man he’s fine.

**MJ:** Probably just slept in. 

**Gwen:** or broke his phone

**Gwen:** harley does that a lot

**Pete:** But like….

**Pete:** it’s been all day????

**Harry:** ur worrying too much man

**MJ:** Take a deep breath, Pete

**MJ:** He’s fine. 

**Pete:** But how do you 

**Pete:** know

**MJ:** lmao

**MJ:** Trust me. 

“Stop staring at your phone.” May nudged at his shoulder. Her braces were hidden under wide legged jeans, her arm slung through Peter’s own. They were walking along a bustling Central Park. While there were still less people, it seemed as though the park had turned into a meeting place for any and all families that had spent so long without seeing one another. Peter felt accomplished, for once, whenever he saw a family or a group of friends embracing so tightly as though they would never let go. 

“Harley hasn’t answered me all day.” Peter mumbled, his teeth gnawing at his bottom lip in worry. 

May squeezed his arm tight. “I’m sure it’s nothing, baby.” 

It was what everyone else was saying. Peter wondered, briefly, what all of them knew that he didn’t. 

May steered him towards a park bench, complaining without words about the strain. If Peter closed his eyes he could see May flying off that balcony. If he had missed… if he had hit a different part of her body with his web… well, then she wouldn’t be there today. Even with braces to aid her in walking, May was better than the thought of losing her. “Sit down, Pete.” She pat the seat next to her. “Relax.” 

His phone vibrated just as he sat down. 

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** look up


	15. No Glove, No Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for pre-sexual things. If that bothers you in any way skip over the second narrative bit.
> 
> Yes I know the pictures look nothing like them but this is why we all have imaginations. 🙂

_No._

Peter's head snapped up so fast his neck cracked. His world narrowed down in almost telescopic precision. Softly, he heard the exhale of May's breath, felt her hand on his shoulder. "Go, Peter." She said soft enough that Peter was the only one that could hear her. 

He had dreamed about this day. Had begged for it and begged for and imagined everything about it. 

Harley was taller than he had imagined. He had a suitcase next to his jeans and had bright red sunglasses pushed atop his head. He was wearing a flannel shirt rolled to his elbows and his eyes looked so much better in person than through a screen. 

"May?" Peter's voice cracked around his aunt's name. 

She had her phone out, and her eyes were glossy with tears. "Go." She nudged him harder. 

He took a step forward, dropped his phone on the grass. Harley smiled and it was brighter than the sun. Peter took another, cautious step, unsure that this wasn't exactly an elaborate hoax. " _Darlin'."_ That was _him._

Peter took off into a run, moving quicker than he thought he could. He dodged old ladies, dogs, and strollers before colliding, chest to chest, _hard_ into Harley Joseph Keener. He wrapped his arms tight around his neck, felt sunglasses fall onto his head and then bounce off onto the gravel. Harley stumbled but caught himself, his arms tight and _solid_ around Peter's waist. 

Peter could feel his heart against his chest, matching almost perfectly to that of the man he stood pressed against. He had never understood how people could be so happy they cried. Had never felt that overwhelming positive emotion before. For someone that had experienced such grief, he had never felt this amount of joy in his life.

Peter never wanted to let go. 

But then Harley was pulling away, just far enough to slide a hand up his back and weave his fingers in his hair before….

Oh.

 _Oh_. 

Peter had kissed before but never like this. Never with this level of desperation. Harley was _intoxicating._ He had a hand twisted in the back of Peter's shirt, another tugging tight on the locks of his hair. Peter held onto what he could, grappled for purchase even as Harvey's teeth dug into his bottom lip and then pulled away. Their foreheads pressed together and when Peter opened his eyes it was to blue, blue, _blue._

"You…" But Peter couldn't think of the words, especially as Harley's nose brushed against his. His senses were a dull buzz in the back of his mind. The noise Peter made then was painfully embarrassing, but he took the moment to bury his face in the nook between Harley's shoulder and chin, nuzzled into the warm skin there. He pressed a kiss against the pulse that beat against his lips and revelled in the hitch in Harley's breath. "I missed you so much." 

How was it possible, he wondered, to miss something he had never had before. He had never been able to wrap his arms tight around Harley, never been able to feel his heart beat against his chest, had never felt his lungs fill with air and deflate with each passing second. How could he have missed this when he had never had it? But on the contrary, how could he have ever lived his life without it. 

Harley pressed a hard kiss to the side of his head. 

"Okay, okay." It was May that broke them out of their bubble, her hand like ice on the back of Peter's neck. "Let me in here, boys." 

"Mrs. Parker, ma'am." Harley's voice was divine when not filtered through a speaker and Peter knew then that it was going to be nearly impossible to go back. 

"Oh hush, call me May," she hit both of them in the arm before giving Harley a quick, swift, and tight hug. Harley kept an arm around Peter's waist, his hand sliding unashamedly into the back pocket of Peter's jeans. "How was your flight, Harley?" 

**_M a y_ **

**May:** He has arrived.

**May:[Yes I am aware this looks nothing like them ](https://pin.it/BE7LBEN)**

**Harry:** yes

 **Harry:**!!!!!!!!!

 **May:** Join us for dinner tonight? 

**Harry:** may im crying

 **May:** Aw, Harry. 

**May:** You know you’re one of us. 

**Harry:** i love you

 **Harry:** thanks for being my second mom

 **May:** I love you too, my second son. 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** im crying

 **Harry:** may parker is the answer to everything that is wrong w this world

 **Pete:** ^^^^^^^ 

**Pete:** This

 **Pete:** 1000 times this

 **MJ:** To be soft for just one moment

 **Ned:** MJ whoa

 **MJ:** I’m really thankful that there’s someone like May Parker out there keeping an eye on my two favorite dumbasses and giving them the love they deserve after the world’s dealt them both such shit cards. 

**Gwen:** this is so pure

 **Gwen:**??????

 **Pete:** MJ

 **Pete:** I’ve already cried enough today stop this

 **Harry:** hon i love u

**Harry:** o wait

 **Harry:** [Them](https://pin.it/BE7LBEN)

**Gwen:** yes

 **Gwen:**!!!!!!!!!

 **Ned:** Welcome to NY!

 **MJ:** in case i havent said it

 **MJ:** hurt Peter 

**MJ:** and they’ll never find your body

 **MJ:** @Harls

 **Harls:** 😶

 **Gwen:** i feel obligated to say the same

 **Gwen:** but like

 **Gwen:** i took 1 look at peters face

 **Gwen:** and fell in love so

 **Harls:** w o w 

**Pete:** Love you too, Gwen!

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry:** want me to bring anything tonite

 **Peter:** Your face

 **Peter:** So I can pepper it with kisses

 **Harry:** o okay then

 **Harry:** have u talked that over w ur boyfriend

 **Harry:** who is there no

 **Peter:** lmao 

**Peter:** Harley says our love affair is concerning

 **Harry:** i was here 1st country boi

**Harry:** i feel weird meeting him though

 **Peter:** You have no idea

 **Peter:** But also like

 **Peter:** Don’t? 

**Harry:** i dont want to intrude

 **Peter:** Har

 **Peter:** You’re practically my brother

 **Peter:** You’re not intruding on anything. 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** smh

 **Harry:** i met harley

 **Harry:** and he said 

**Harry:** you really do have the face of a dumbass

 **Gwen:** lmao

 **Gwen:** when we first met harley asked me if i could impale him with my drumsticks

 **Harls:** she answered yes 

**Harls:** and we have been best friends ever since

**Harls:** pete and may brought me on the subway 

**Harls:** i saw this rat

 **Harls:** and a mcdonalds bag

 **Harls:** and a bunch of nugs

 **Ned:** I want some nugs.

 **Ned:** 😭😭

 **Harls:** and an open container of sauce

 **Harls:** and i watched the rat take a bite out of the nug

 **Harls:** go to the sauce and dip its nose in

 **Harls:** and then go right back for another bite of nug

 **MJ:** long live nug rat 2020

 **Pete:** YOU SAW NUG RAT AND DIDN’T TELL ME?!

 **Harls:** wait what

**Harry:** harley and i just watched in

 **Harry:** h o r r o r 

**Harry:** as peter poured soy sauce 

**Harry:** over his popcorn

 **Pete:** IT’S GOOD. 

**Harls:** i am scared

 **Gwen:** y would u even think to do that

 **Pete:** Matt does it 

**Pete:** 🤷♂️

**Harry:** [Hand holding ](https://pin.it/1NQhqGh)

**Harry:** these fucks wont stop

 **Gwen:** 😍

 **Ned:** c u t e 

**MJ:** lmao 

**MJ:** gay

**Harls:** peter and harry cuddled for like two hours 

**Harls:** but he has the g a l l 

**Harls:** to call me disgusting 

**Harls:** for stealing peter back

 **MJ:** that’s harry for you

 **Ned:** Those two have a very different friendship

 **MJ:** think of them as separated conjoined twins

 **MJ:** that’s what i do

**Harls:** may just destroyed us all at mario kart

**Harry:** I JUST WATCHED MAY GIVE PETER CONDOMS BEFORE GOING TO BED

 **Harry:** I AM DYING

 **Pete:** I hate you. 

**Gwen:** lmao yeh boi get it

 **Harls:** @ned control your horny girlfriend

 **Ned:** 😮

**Pete:** Hey @Harry

 **Harry:** w h a t 

**Pete:** Remember when we had to take that health class

 **Harry:**?

 **Pete:** And they sent us home with packets 

**Pete:** And we were supposed to ask our parents about like puberty and stuff

 **Pete:** and you didn’t want to ask your dad

 **Pete:** so you asked Ben 

**Harry:** wait no

 **Harry:** s to p

 **Pete:** and Ben discovered that you knew nothing about anything

 **Pete:** so he called your dad

 **Harry:** n o pete im be ggging you

 **Pete:** and you got the sex talk bydbdfhudhf

 **Harls:** lmao

 **Harls:** he just tackled pete over the couch

**Gwen:** safe sex is smart sex

 **Ned:** Cover your stump before you hump

 **Gwen:** dont be silly protect ur willy

 **Ned:** If you think (s)he’s spunky, cover your monkey

 **Gwen:** if u go into heat, package ur meat

 **Ned:** Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake!

 **Gwen:** no glove, no love

 **Ned:** Cloak the joker before you poke him (her). 

**Gwen:** dont be a fool, cover ur tool

 **Ned:** Stop the stream before you cream.

 **Gwen:** protect that fish then dip it in the dish

 **Ned:** Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel. 

**Gwen:** bag the mole then do his hole

 **Ned:** Cover your stone before you bone. 

**Gwen:** pack it in plastic, itll be fantastic

 **Ned:** Wrap your meat before you beat. 

**Gwen:** wrap it before u slap it

 **Ned:** Armour the tank before you enter the flank. 

**Gwen:** leash ur pet be4 launching ur jet

 **Ned:** No shirt, no flirt!

 **Gwen:** dress him up be4 u mess him up

 **Pete:** jfc

 **Harls:** why do you know so many of those

**MJ:** “If you have an erection and don’t want an infection you better use protection on your genital section.” 

**Pete:** why

**Harry:** be safe kiddos

**Harry: 😉**

**Ned: 😉**

**MJ: 😉**

**Gwen: 😉 😉 😉**

Peter's hand flicking the lock on the door was almost ominous. The air in the room felt entirely too heavy. They hadn't been… they had never really been _alone_ before. 

Harley felt like all air that was in his lungs had just gotten pushed out. He could trace the blush that painted Peter's cheeks from his neck to his face to the tips of his ears as he rubbed at the back of his head. "So, uhm…" 

His accent was less noticeable here, among the rustle of matching voices and car horns. New York was loud in a way Tennessee never would be - even this far away from the bustling tourist attractions. They weren't in the Parker's apartment building, but instead up high in the Stark Industries penthouse until further notice. Still, it seemed as though Tony had gone out of his way to bring pieces of home to them. There were a few picture frames over an unlit fireplace mantle, one of Peter and May from graduation, and another of Tony and Peter with Morgan. Ben's police academy graduation photo was there too, in the place of honor in the center. The blanket draped over the leather couch was obviously well loved in the holes that were hastily stitched over. "It was Mary's." May had said in way of explanation when Harley had just glanced at it. He hadn't asked. 

He hadn't been able to look away from Peter since. 

"Do you want to, uhm," Peter stammered. 

Fire roared through his veins. "No." 

Harley had crossed the room in three giant strides, and had pushed Peter up against the door before he could even think about the consequences. For his part, it seemed as though Peter was just as desperate. He clung tight to the fabric of Harley's flannel at the small of his back and pulled enough at the collar that Harley heard a small rip. "I'm so-." 

"It's just a shirt." And Harley threw it off to the side before crowding back into his space. 

One taste wasn't enough and Harley had spent so long dreaming of this moment that he had had to fight with every bit of primal nature he hadn't even been aware he had existed for the whole day. Throughout dinner Harley had been staring with an increasing interest in Peter's lips whenever he talked. He had been caught more than once by a smirking Harry and an intentionally ignorant May. 

He wanted to commit this to memory. Wanted to have this to hold forever. He never wanted to go a second without hearing the hitch of a breath or without feeling hot, searing hands sliding up the back of his shirt. 

"We should…" It didn't have to be expanded on. 

Harley would follow wherever Peter led. 

Peter was the one that bent down to grab Harley's shirt from the ground. Harley was the one that shut off the lights and paused in the doorway to a room far enough away from May's that she would hear nothing with a bed with a headboard placed under a window. 

He didn't step forward until Peter pulled him over the threshold, in an effortless show of strength. 

If it was possible, it felt natural to shut the door and close the world out. Just them. 

"I can't believe you're real." He whispered with his hands twisted in belt loops. 

Peter's eyes searched his, his lips red from where Harley had bit at them just moments earlier. The corner of his mouth twitched. "Want to hear a joke?" 

" _Fuck_ no." 

Peter's laugh was the best melody Harley had ever heard as he pushed him so he fell back against the rumpled bed sheets. Peter hadn't cleaned, hadn't prepared. There were still books open with scribbles on scrap paper open on the desk. There were still clothes kicked into a corner, clean or unclean Harley didn't know. His own suitcase was still in the entry room but Harley didn't want for it. 

Peter's hands tugged until Harley was suspended above him, just a moment, before he tensed and flipped them over. 

_Oh._

Harley could get used to _that_. 

It was a surge of desperation sent straight through to his heart. It was a gentle kiss pressed below his jaw and a soft fluttering of eyelashes. It was a strong hand holding him down until Harley ghosted fingers over a sensitive side. 

It was raising a knee between legs and pulling a body flush against his. 

It was moving together when they had spent so far apart and making a conscious decision to never, _never,_ let this go. 

**Sunday**

**_ The Gang _ **

**Harley:** gwen

 **Harley:** i

 **Harley:** i could wake up to this 

**Harley:** every 

**Harley:** day

**Gwen:**!!!!!

 **Gwen:** tell me everything

 **Gwen:** (also morning boo)

 **Harley:** morning

 **Harley:** i think this 

**Harley:** i think this is the most whole i have ever felt

 **Gwen:** s o f t 

**Harley:** he snores just a little bit

 **Harley:** and when he drools it’s 

**Harley:** c u t e 

**Gwen:** how was the s m e x 

**Harley:** omfg 

**Gwen:** if u dont want to talk about it that's fine too tho

 **Harley:** it was 

**Harley:** ugh

 **Gwen:** that good then

 **Harley:** gwen there are no words

**Harley:** [Sleep](https://pin.it/57m3sCX)

 **Gwen:** ngh 

**Gwen:** stop texting me 

**Gwen:** and go enjoy being with ur boy

**Harley:** i’m so happy i might cry 

**Harley:** this is the best my life has 

**Harley:** ever been

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** Tony, "It's nice to see you again Keener." 

**Pete** : Harley, "Come closer so I can punch you." 

**Pete** : Tony loling "Yeah kid bring it in." 

**Pete** : goes in for a hug

 **Pete** : Harley just fucking punches him in the face 

**Pete** : and then hugs him

 **Pete** : And weirdly 

**Pete** : it's okay???? 

**Harry:** lmao

 **Harry** : why

 **Harls** : this is between 

**Harls** : me and tony stank

 **Harls** : and he knows w h y   
  



	16. Peter Parker Parental Pack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao if you thought I forgot about my dangling plot then... you were absolutely right.

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls** : this d o r k 

**Harls** : asked if i wanted to see the city 

**Harls** : and then just

 **Harls** : took pictures everywhere 

**Harls** : [Peter](https://pin.it/1aNjDs0)

**MJ:** Get any good shots @Pete? 

**Pete** : Yes! 

**Pete** : look! 

**Pete** : [Harley](https://pin.it/3tViAG6)

 **Harls** : o 

**Harls** : oH

 **MJ:** lmao

 **MJ:** whipped

**Harls** : so i met matt

 **Harry** : w h a t

 **Ned** : Tell him I love him! 

**Gwen** : (hey harley boo)

 **Harls** : (hey gorgeous 😉) 

**Ned** : No wait

 **Ned** : Stop

 **Harls** : so i met matt

 **Harry** : ag on yyyyyyy

 **MJ:** why the fuck did you just sing that

 **Harry** : is there any other way to say that word

 **MJ:** only while ripping your shirt

 **Harry** : we r in pUbLic

 **MJ:** commit or lose my respect 

**Harry** : i had ur respect 

**Harls** : I MET MATT AND HE FLUNG ME OVER HIS SHOULDER IN LIKE THE HOTTEST NINJA MOVE AND I THANKED HIM FOR IT

 **Harry** : wow

 **Harry** : ur so lucky

 **Pete** : PLEASE STOP CREEPING ON MY MATT-DAD 

**Ned:** Lmao

 **Ned** : which one is better? 

**Ned:** Matt-dad or Irondad? 

**Pete:** don't do this to me nedthanial

 **Ned** : irondad?

 **Pete** : I r e f u s e 

**Ned** : @Harls? 

**Harls** : babe if you don't say matt-dad i fear he might cry 

**Harls** : or throw himself out these big loft windows

 **Pete** : n O 

**Harls** : i take everything i said about matt back

 **Harls** : have any of you seen foggy nelson

 **Harls** : i have never seen someone shut their favorite dumbass down in such a quick "no matt" 

**Harls** : i am crying 

**Ned:** What are you guys doing today? 

**Harls:** M&M STORE

 **Ned:** Omgggg

 **Ned:** Are they open now?! 

**Pete:** Yes!!!!!

 **Ned:** Can I come?!

 **Ned:** I promise I’ll leave you guys alone after the store!

 **Ned:** I just don’t like to go into Times Square by myself. 

**Harls:** ofc you can

 **Harls:** i’ve been wanting to shake your hand for months 

**Ned:** Yesssssssssssssssssss

**Harry:** dont trust him ned

 **Harry:** he will disappoint

 **Harls:** are you still mad that i beat you at mortal kombat

 **Harry:** smh

 **MJ:** He’s “upset” that you took Peter’s innocence

 **Pete:** jfc harry

 **Harls:** hahahahahaha

 **Harls:** oh man

 **Harls:** it’s adorable you think he had any innocence to begin with

 **Pete:** I could just 

**Pete:** ditch you here

 **Harls:** babe

 **Harls:** i think i would cry of joy

 **Harls:** if i had to live in the m&m store

**MJ:** It’s funny

 **MJ:** Because you know the two of them are disgustingly cute in person

**Ned:** She right, guys. 

**Ned:** They’re disgusting. 

**Ned:** Peter got really angry at a Spider-man dress up guy in the street

 **Ned:** “he’s stupid”

 **Gwen:** @pete

 **Gwen:** y do u hate spidey

 **Harry:** rofl

 **MJ:** Yeah Pete why do you?

 **Harls:** oof

 **Ned:** Babe

**Ned: 😂**

**Pete:** Spider-man is a little bitch. 

**Pete:** His webs aren’t even real. 

**Pete:** He’s sticky so when he saves you and is in a high stress situation he’ll just get stuck to your favorite jacket and tear it

 **Pete:** He thinks he’s hilarious when his jokes are s u b p a r 

**Pete:** I saw him fall off a roof once because a pigeon scared him

 **Pete:** He can’t even control spiders

 **Pete:** And he’s like 12

 **Pete:** Spider-MAN my ass

 **Harry:** o shit

 **Harls:** this is beautiful

 **Ned:** This is so much better than I imagined it would be

 **MJ:** Remember when he set the toaster on fire at Stark’s house?

 **Pete:** What kind of dumbass thinks he can cook pizza in a stand up toaster, right?

 **Gwen:** so spider-man is just dumb 

**Pete:** Fundamentally. 

**Ned:** I HAVE SO MUCH CHOCOLATE NOW

 **Ned:** @Gwen

 **Ned:** I bought you a new M&M girl bag 🙂

 **Gwen:** fuck yes

 **Gwen:** u r the best 

**Ned: ❤**

**Gwen: ❤**

**Harls:** @Gwen

 **Harls:** [Disney](https://pin.it/6GvXXF7)

 **Harls:** I’M SCREAMING

 **Gwen:** OMGGGGGGGG

 **Gwen:** WHY AM I NOT THERE

 **Harls:** girl

 **Harls:** ditch cali and come here

 **Gwen:** dad says no

**Gwen: 😭😭😭**

**Ned:** lmao

 **Ned:** so we went into the Disney store

 **Ned:** As you can see from ^^^^

 **Ned:** And other than Harley almost maxing out this credit card IRONMAN GAVE HIM on stuffed animals before Peter stopped him 

**Ned:** Harley started a sing along with the people in the store while going up the escalator

 **Ned:** but had to stop because Peter got too distracted and tripped over a minnie mouse 

**Ned:** and face planted 

**Harry:** i thought the peter tingle prevented this sort of dumbassery

 **MJ:** Nothing prevents Peter from being a clutz

 **Pete:** It diiiiiiiiiiid

 **Pete:** I was avoiding a stroller and tripped

 **Ned:** Harley was so worried 

**Ned:** But also laughed right in Peter’s face when he helped him up

 **Pete:** a little girl give me a Princess Tiana sticker for my cheek 

**Pete:** all is good now

 **Gwen:** ny sounds w i l d 

**Pete:** this is just my life now

**Ned:** [Sitting together ](https://pin.it/5hKeIy4)

**Ned:** how they sat on the subway

 **Gwen:** this is so p u r e

 **Gwen:** i cannot look upon this w/o crying

 **Gwen:** @Harls you deserve all of this happiness

**Harls: 😭😭😭😭❤❤❤❤**

**MJ:** Disgusting

 **Harry:** get ur hands off my peter

**Harry: 😡**

**Harls:** m a k e m e 

**Harry:** i will 

**Harry:** u r going down country boy

 **Pete:** He’s a wimp

 **Harry:** i know 

**Harry:** that’s y ill win

 **Pete:** welp

 **Pete:** I meant you

**Harry: 😮**

**MJ:** lol

 **MJ:** roasted

**_Lil Sis_ **

**Harls:** [Subway](https://pin.it/6EsvuWd)

 **Harls:** pete keeps insisting we go on the subway and idk how to tell him i h a t e it

 **Abs:** I mean

 **Abs:** Should probably just say it

 **Abs:** Or suck it up 

**Abs:** Since we know you’re going to suck something

 **Harls:** ABIGAIL

 **Harls:** you are a CHILD

 **Abs:** I am 19. 

**Harls:** b a b y

**Abs:** So

 **Abs:** don’t be mad

 **Harls:** what did you do

 **Abs:** I didn’t do anything

 **Abs:** I just don’t want you to get mad

 **Abs:** When I tell you what happened

 **Harls:** why what happened

 **Abs:** Guess who texted me today

 **Harls:** fuck no

 **Harls:** don’t tell me

 **Abs:** I know I know

 **Abs:** I’ve been ignoring it 

**Abs:** But Idk

 **Harls:** tell him to leave you the fuck alone

 **Harls:** he doesn’t get to fuck with us anymore

 **Harls:** he’s the one that made his decision to leave

 **Abs:** … 

**Abs:** I was talking about my ex

 **Abs:** Who are you talking about? 

**Abs:** Harley?!

 **Abs:** Who’s been texting you?!

**Harls:** dad

 **Harls:** but don’t worry about it

 **Harls:** don’t worry about it please

 **Harls:** i’m handling it

**Abs:** What do you mean dad?

 **Abs:** William Keener dad?

 **Abs:** Deadbeat asshole number one? 

**Abs:** The guy that told you he would rather have a dead son than a gay son? 

**Abs:** How the fuck does he even have your number? 

**Harls:** I’m handling it

 **Abs:** This isn’t something you just handle, Harley

 **Harls:** I’m working on it. 

**Abs:** Block his number

 **Harls:** I’m handling it Abby. 

**Abs:** Don’t you dare let him back in, Harls. 

**Harls:** You don’t want to see him again? 

**Abs:** Harley

 **Abs:** You’re all the dad I need

 **Abs:** I don’t need to know my sperm donor. 

**Harls:** [M&M store ](https://pin.it/27F8TjC)

**Harls:** you’re the only thing from Rose Hill I miss

 **Harls:** well

 **Harls:** you and mom

**Abs:** [Kevin](https://pin.it/6EJ42Cq)

 **Abs:** [Simon ](https://pin.it/ag0AkcQ)

**Abs:** Simon and Kevin miss their mom

 **Harls:** My babies

**Harls: 😭**

**Harls:** i showed pete those pics

 **Harls:** and he literally squeeked

 **Abs:** You tell your boyfriend that I will stab him exactly 8000 times if he hurts you

**Harls: 😮**

**Harls:** Specific

**Abs: 🤷♀️**

**Abs:** Wait did you get me chocolate?

 **Harls:** Obviously

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** harley has to give me peter back

 **Harry:** [They won't stop touching](https://pin.it/1au8hLp)

 **MJ:** lmao

 **MJ:** take him and run

**Harls:** wtf

 **Harls:** why did harry just throw peter over his shoulder

 **Harls:** and run down the street 

**MJ:** Gold

 **Ned:** wth 

**Ned: 😂😂😂😂**

**Gwen:** wat even

**Harls:** oof

 **Harls:** harry slipped in ice cream

**MJ:** remember when we said Peter was a clutz

**Harls:** Tony Stank gave us unrestricted access to his labs and

 **Pete:** we about to blow some shit up

 **Harls:** ffffffff yeaaaaaaaaah

**Harls:** tony, "why is that on fire"

 **Harls** : pete, "well i mean the whole room isnt on fire so im counting that as a win"

**Harls** : tony, "but why did you want to make music powered slime" 

**Harls** : me, "so it can groove" 

**Harls:** tony, "please dont teach her that”

 **Harls:** peter already showing morgan how to test flame retardant clothes 

**Harls:** “better to ask forgiveness than permission”

**Harls:** morgan, “peter where do babies come from, daddy won’t tell me”

 **Harls:** peter, completely serious, “dragons”

**Harls:** peter, “tony i made you something”

 **Harls:** peter throws an origami dinosaur at tony

 **Harls:** i watched tony wipe away a tear before placing it on his desk

**Pete:** Tony, “want me to make you a suit?”

 **Pete:** Harley, “what you’re a tailor now?”

 **Pete:** Tony, “no like… like my suit.” 

**Pete:** Harley, “Tony I don’t know how to tell you this… but you’re not wearing a suit.” 

**Pete:** Tony, “You know a…” proceeds to uselessly gesture

 **Pete:** Harley, “A what?” 

**Pete:** Tony, “You know what, never mind.” 

**Pete:** Pepper, “He means an Ironman suit.” 

**Pete:** Harley, stunned and stuttering “O-oh-okay.” 

**Ned:** Can Tony make me a suit?!

 **Pete:** He says with a suit you could take over the world. 

**Gwen:** wait

 **Gwen:** is harley going to be ironman now? 

**Harls:** stop i’m already crying

**_Peter Parker Parental Pack_ **

**Tony:** So I just heard from Barnes. 

**May:** Oh no. 

**Murdock:** Did he get any good intel? 

**May:** Is he okay? 

**May:** Peter was telling me how hard this case was for him.

 **Tony:** He’s fine. 

**Tony:** He’s got Wilson to keep his head on straight. 

**Murdock:** What did he get? 

**Tony:** It’s definitely HYDRA

 **Murdock:** What do they want with Peter? 

**May:** Yes, that. 

**May:** What Matt said.

 **Tony:** Apparently nothing. 

**Tony:** He got involved where he shouldn’t have. 

**Murdock:** Typical Peter. 

**Tony:** Unfortunately, they are now, though. 

**Tony:** The abilities he showed were enough for HYDRA to put him on an interesting specimens list. 

**May:** What does that mean? 

**May:** I don’t like how that sounds. 

**Tony:** Yeah neither do any of us. 

**Tony:** Barnes knows but is being cagey about it. 

**Tony:** Wilson thinks it means that if they find him they’ll test on him.

 **May:** No. 

**May:** That’s not going to happen. 

**May:** We won’t let that happen. 

**Tony:** Pete’s got a lot of people looking out for him. 

**Tony:** If it does happen it’ll be an all out war. 

**Tony:** Nat’s on the lookout here, just in case anything causes any waves. 

**Murdock:** Who are they sending after him?

 **Tony:** You know who. 

**May:** Tony. 

**Tony:** May we’ll keep you safe. 

**May:** If they want to get to Peter they can get to me. 

**May:** You saw that footage

 **May:** If he wasn’t distracted with me, Arachne would have been killed. 

**Tony:** You’re safe where you are. 

**Murdock:** It’s not her she’s worried about. 

**Murdock:** Peter has a lot of friends, powered and human alike. 

**Tony:** No one will touch Osborn, he’s too high profile. 

**Tony:** And I already have people on the others. 

**May:** And what about Harley? 

**May:** They’ve grown so close, so fast. 

**May:** Peter loves with all his heart. If someone wanted him to do anything, all they would have to do is threaten that boy. 

**May:** He goes back to school at the end of the summer. 

**Tony:** Let me handle Harley. 

**Tony:** Don’t tell Peter any of this. 

**Tony:** He’ll forget to not get involved. 

**Murdock:** You know if he asks Barnes will tell him. 

**Tony:** He’s a kid. Barnes better not. 

**May:** He’s 22. 

**May:** You know he hates it when you call him that. Or try to protect him by keeping secrets. 

**Murdock:** If he asks me, I’ll tell him. 

**Murdock:** You better keep him informed if you don’t want him to do something stupid. 

**May:** [Peter ](https://pin.it/1BoUDWc)

**May:** My baby boy is so happy right now. 

**May:** Let’s work to keep this real, okay? 

**May:** A happy Peter is my favorite Peter. 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** norman osborn is a stinky fart

 **Harry:** and that is not an insult i came up w 

**Harry:** but one morgan stark did

 **MJ:** Where is the lie? 

**Pete:** I wish Norman Osborn all the best while rotting in jail

 **Harls:** i don’t even know him but

 **Harls:** i agree

 **Gwen:** @Harry

 **Gwen:** how is it running a company

 **Harry:** fucking wild gwen

 **Harry:** yesterday i went to a board meeting where i had to decide if we keep the interns paid or move them to unpaid 

**Harry:** and which people we hire back after having to let some go during quarantine

 **Harry:** and i was so angry cuz i told them to not fire anyone during quarantine

 **Harry:** so now we’re hiring everyone back with more $$$ 

**Harry:** and i fired my entire board so

 **Harry:** 🙃

 **Gwen:** o so a bit of a mess then

 **Harry:** yeah just a bit

**Harls:** pepper potts just asked me if i wanted a paid internship 

**Harls:** and im 

**Harry:** when is it peter’s birthday 

**Harry:** his present is d o p e

 **Harry:** and so much better than a boyfriend js

 **Harls:** whoa rude

 **Pete:** lmao Tony just texted me the same thing? 

**Pete:** What are you two planning? 

**Harry: 👀**

**Harry:** nothing

  
  
  



	17. Banana Bread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think I have any plan for this, you would be w r o n g.
> 
> I hate this chapter guys. Absolutely hate it.

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls** : i just watched peter play the trust game with tony

 **Harls** : "he'll catch me don't worry" 

**Harls** : yeets himself over a balcony

 **Harls** : almost gave me a heart attack

 **Ned** : Did he catch him? 

**Harls** : yes

 **Harls:** dropped all the shit he was holding 

**Harls** : and screamed but did it

**Harry** : i must die

 **Pete** : Wait why 

**Pete:** Don't die? 

**Harry** : nope

 **Harry:** ur too late pete

 **Harry** : i crave death 

**Gwen** : @mj

 **MJ:** He stubbed his toe

**Pete** : HaRleY jUsT iNsUlTeD oUr PiZzA

 **Ned** : HEATHEN

 **MJ:** Fool

 **Harry** : tasteless country hick

 **Harls** : oo whoa man

 **Harry** : too far? 

**Harry** : o well u hate pizza

 **Harls** : i dont HATE pizza

 **Harls** : pete's just being dramatic because i don't like NY pizza

 **Harry:** that is not dramatic

 **Harry:** wars have been fought on less

**MJ:** @gwen

 **MJ:** [Pic](https://pin.it/1MXDUCP)

 **MJ:** pete sent me this this morning 

**Gwen:** yeh boi get it

 **Gwen:**!!!!

 **Ned:** Do not get it. 

**Harry** : my virgin eyes 

**MJ:** Harry 

**MJ:** we all know you're the least virgin out of all of us. 

**Harry** : u rite u rite

 **Gwen** : wait 

**Gwen** : r u all together

 **Gwen:**????

 **MJ:** yeah these losers came over

 **Harry** : i was invited 

**MJ:** and then invited everyone else

 **Gwen** : i wish i was there 

**Gwen** : 😭😭😭😭😭

 **Harls** : aww boo

 **Harls** : we miss you too

 **Ned** : I have no one to cuddle with 🙃

 **Gwen** : im just gon hug my pillow and pretend im there 

**Pete** : WAIT

 **Pete:** wanna watch party? 

**Gwen** : omg yas 

**Gwen** : i 

**Gwen** : caught

 **Gwen** : these two 

**Gwen** : making out

 **Gwen** : [Making out](https://pin.it/7lS1paL)

 **Harls** : 😉 

**Harry** : d i s g u s t i n g 

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Tony:** Kid.

 **Peter:** Old man. 

**Tony:** Is that really necessary?

 **Peter:** Where is the lie? 

**Peter:** Is life really necessary?

 **Peter:** IS YOUR FACE REALLY NECESSARY?

 **Tony:** Wow. 

**Tony:** I mean. 

**Tony:** I don’t want to even get you the thing now. 

**Peter:** Why are you texting like me

 **Peter:** It’s

 **Peter:** U

 **Peter:** n

 **Peter:** s

 **Peter:** e

 **Peter:** t

 **Peter:** t

 **Peter:** l

 **Peter:** i

 **Peter:** n

 **Peter:** g

 **Tony:** Why?

 **Tony:** Just… why?

**Peter: 😈**

**Tony:** ANYWAY

 **Tony:** Do you have a suit? 

**Peter:** I mean 

**Peter:** Just the one from graduation

 **Peter:** Why?

 **Tony:** Great. 

**Tony:** You and Harley are getting a fitting tomorrow. Let’s say around 12-ish? Sound good?

 **Peter:** I wasn’t planning on being awake until 2pm but sure

 **Tony:** You can’t sleep past 10am, kid. I know you. 

**Peter:** I was gonna patrol tonight. 

**Tony:** Nope. 

**Tony:** Enjoy your guest. 

**Tony:** Trust your team red to handle things. 

**Peter:** I don’t trust Wade not to shoot anyone

 **Tony:** Trust Nat to shoot him if he tries. 

**Peter:** Point point. 

**Peter:** What are you keeping from me?

 **Tony:** Nothing, Peter. 

**Peter:** Why does that feel like you’re actually saying

 **Peter:** everything Peter. 

**Tony:** Trust me, Pete. It’s nothing bad. 

**Peter: 👀**

**Tony:** Tell Keener to stop texting me about your birthday. 

**Peter:** Why did he punch you? 

**Peter:** Like it was funny but…

 **Tony:** That’s between the two of us. 

**Peter:** That’s literally all he’s saying about it. 

**Tony:** Think about it, Pete. 

**Tony:** I showed up. I left. 

**Tony:** I deserved it. 

**Peter:** Oh. 

**Tony:** Don’t be angry with him over it. It’s all fine. 

**Peter:** You know you’re a good dad right? 

**Peter:** Like… 

**Peter:** I’ve had my fair share. 

**Peter:** And you’re up there. 

**Tony:** You know you’re a good kid, right? 

**Tony:** I don’t have much experience with kids, but, you’re one of my favorites. 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** one time

 **Pete:** at band camp

 **Ned:** at band camp

 **Harls:** AT BAND CAMP

 **MJ:** at band camp

 **Gwen:** at band camp

 **Harry:** i tried to make banana bread

 **Pete:** oh no

 **Pete:** Har

 **Pete:** you can’t bake

 **MJ:** why would you ever even try

**Harry:** well like

 **Harry:** it was in quarantine 2020

 **Harry:** and i really wanted banana bread

 **Harry:** so i was like

 **Harry:** it cant be that hard

 **Harry:** so i looked up a recipe

 **Harry:** and pete was busy talking to may

 **Harry:** so i videoed ned instead

 **Ned:** omg

 **Ned:** It’s THIS story

 **Ned:** THIS STORY

 **Harls:** i’m worried

 **Gwen:** tell me more

**Harry:** ok so

 **Harry:** it called for walnuts 

**Harry:** but i didnt have walnuts

 **Harry:** so i used choc covered almonds instead cuz y not rite 

**Harry:** choc makes everything better

 **Harls:** i don’t see how this was a wrong choice

 **Harls:** but pete just yelled no

 **Harls:** and looks terrified

**Harry:** and it also wanted bananas 

**Gwen:** banana bread has bananas?!

 **MJ:** how many did the recipe call for? 

**Harry:** 3

 **MJ:** how many did you use?

 **Harry:** 8

 **Pete:** HARRY WHY

 **Harry:** the more bananas the better it’ll be right?

 **Harry:** ned’s sitting there in the video chat just chanting me along

 **Ned:** It was great

 **Ned:** he said “tell me when to stop” 

**Ned:** and I just never said anything

 **Harry:** i stopped when i was out of bananas

**Ned:** YOU FORGOT THE BEST PART

 **Ned:** Harry had poured his sugar into a bowl while he was mashing the 8 bananas

 **Ned:** and was dancing to Shania Twain 

**Gwen:** MAN 

**Harls:** I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN

 **Ned:** And his elbow hit the sugar AND the salt and they went flying all over the counter 

**Harry:** so i stood there and stared at it for like ten minutes

 **Ned:** and then he shrugged and just poured it back into the bowl

**Harls:** i made sugar cookies with salt instead of sugar once

 **Harls:** the noise peter just made was not a happy one

**MJ:** How are you so dumb? 

**Harry:** moral of the story

 **Harry:** i dont know y any1 trusts me to run a company

**MJ:** I tried to make cupcakes from scratch once and used coffee creamer instead of heavy cream

 **Pete:** MJ w h y 

**MJ:** I thought french vanilla would be a nice flavor, Peter

 **MJ:** It was not 

**MJ:** but at least I can say I tried.

**Harls:** i asked peter if he had ever tried to bake bread before

 **Harls:** and he deadass looked me right in the eye

 **Harls:** and said 

**Harls:** “not since the bread wars of 2016” 

**Harls:** and now i’m concerned?

 **Harls:** and curious

 **Harls:**?????

**Gwen:** tell us more

 **Gwen:** @pete

**Pete:** so like

 **Pete:** I might have ate Clint’s bread once

 **Ned:** o h n o 

**MJ:** lmao

 **MJ:** hawkbitch

 **Harry:** MJ n o 

**Harry:** he could h e a r u

 **Pete:** Nah he’s deaf

 **Pete:** But ANYWAY

 **Gwen:** wait clint as in clint barton as in hawkeye as in superspy

 **Pete:** Yes, Gwen.

 **Pete:** I ate his bread. And he was reaaaal upset. 

**Pete:** So I was like “so sorry, bro, lemmie make you a fresh loaf.” 

**Pete:** And I did and brought it in for him.

 **Pete:** And I have never seen a grown man so happy

 **Pete:** Over a loaf of bread. 

**Pete:** But then Thor fell through the roof

 **Gwen:** w h a t 

**Pete:** and smooshed the bread

 **Pete:** and so the Great Bread Wars of 2016 started 

**Pete:** Between Team Clint and Team Thor

 **Harls:** what team were you?

 **Harry:** was it thor

 **Ned:** It was totally Thor.

 **Pete:** He smooshed my bread!

 **Pete:** I worked h a r d on that

 **MJ:** So team Thor

 **Pete:** … yes

**Harls:** so i just went to a tailor for the first time

 **Harls:** you know they get paid to feel you up

 **Harry:** y e p

 **Harry:** welcome to the high life, harley

 **Harry:** we pay a lot for some old italian man to feel us up

 **Harry:** and custom form pockets for our junk to fit into

 **Harry:** and it has to be sized to fit exactly our junk

 **Harry:** no one else’s

**Gwen:** this is a disturbing conversation

 **MJ:** I just got a dress tailored 

**MJ:** And the shop girl complimented my boobs

 **MJ:** I’ll take it as a win.

 **Gwen:** Yas queen

**Gwen:** [Lacy Loo](https://youtu.be/EgBjCCUZLBw)

**MJ:** I’m sc re aming

 **MJ:** “I don’t need your maybes”

 **Ned:** I need someone to dance with me bab-y!

 **Harls:** you wrote this one right?

 **Gwen:** ye

 **Harls:** i’m so proud of you

 **Gwen:** we got a gig at this club on the beach

 **Gwen:** im so excited

**Pete:** Gwen!!!!

 **Pete:**!!!!!!

 **Pete:** I’M SO EXCITED FOR YOU

  
  


**Saturday**

_ **Peter Parker Parental Pack** _

**May:** Matt, you still have the cake right? 

**Murdock:** Foggy and I are picking it up now. 

**Tony:** Does he have any idea yet? 

**May:** Of course not. 

**May:** Unlike the rest of you, I know how to keep a secret. 

They were sitting in the back of Happy’s car, the divider down and May cushioned in the passenger seat, rubbing a hand down her braces with only a small wince. She was wearing a very pretty pink dress that made her look younger than she actually was, Happy with a matching pocket square. Peter would have to talk to them about that. Later. 

Now, though, he was finding it really hard not to drool on the man holding his hand across the seats. Harley’s suit formed to his body, hugged every curve and swell, and his blonde hair was styled artfully. “Are you excited?” He asked with a small smirk. 

“I hate surprises.” Peter admitted. 

“Not all surprises.” Harley winked and Peter flushed, catching May’s eyes in the rearview mirror. She rolled her eyes and smiled softly. 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** where r uuuuuuuu

 **Harry:** i dont like waiting 

**Ned:** I see you!

 **MJ:** Look up, loser. 

**MJ:** [MJ](https://pin.it/4joKo8x)

 **Gwen:** u 

**Gwen:** r

 **Gwen:** my girl crush

 **MJ:** I’d leave Harry for you.

 **Harry:** wow 

**Harry:** rude

**Pete:** Why is there a crowd here?

 **Pete:** Why are we wearing suits?

 **Pete:** What is happening?

 **Pete:** HARRY WHAT DID YOU AND TONY DO?!

**Gwen:** this is wild

**Harry:** r u here

 **Harry:**?!

 **Harry:** omg

**Ned:** they’re really doing this huh

 **MJ:** He deserves it. 

**Gwen:** what is happening

**MJ:** Turn on channel six news.

 **MJ:** They’re going live. 

**Gwen:** w h a t is happening

 **Gwen:** Oh!

 **Gwen:** That’s Harley!

 **Gwen:** Hi, boo you look so handsome!

**Ned:** Peter is crying

 **MJ:** Harry is crying

 **MJ:** They told him before telling the press

**Gwen:** wait 

**Gwen:** is this for real

 **Gwen:** why

 **Gwen:** omg

 **Gwen:**!!!!!!!!

Harley had hated Tony Stark for a long period of time. 

After having him drop by and then tear his little ten year old heart out after it had barely scarred over was cruel in a way that Harley hadn’t understood as a child. A necessary consequence of an unnecessary fight. But this… no Harley couldn’t hate him anymore. Not when he could count the grey hairs along his temple. Not when he could see the arm Tony had casually swung along Peter’s shoulders as he addressed the press. 

Harry stood on Peter’s other side, just a few inches taller than his childhood friend, and in a suit that was more expensive than Harley’s whole house. 

This entire week had been surreal for Harley. 

From getting on a plane after being stuck in one place for so long, to holding Peter in his arms for the first time, to sharing a bed, waking up with a warm body next to his, and the _sex_ was… well that was something else entirely. 

Harley hadn’t been lying when he told Gwen that he had never felt so happy before. 

“This will be you one day,” Pepper Potts said from next to him, Morgan pressed up against her knees. 

Harley glanced at her from the corner of his eye. “Crying between Harry Osborn and Tony Stark? God, I hope not.” He high fived Morgan with a huffed laugh. 

“No,” Pepper nudged his shoulder. “Being announced as a CEO.” She winked as Harley’s smile dropped from his face in place of cold stone shock. “If you take the internship, that is.” 

“But…” He glanced down at Morgan. At the heir to the Stark name. 

He was just some kid from Tennessee. 

“Tony and I talked about it.” Pepper threaded her arm through his. “Don’t tell him I told you yet, though. It was supposed to be a surprise.” 

His own Ironman suit. 

_CEO._

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** [Harley](https://pin.it/2PZ6P2E)

 **Harry:** [Peter and May ](https://pin.it/2J7aAok)

**Harry:** [Peter and May ](https://pin.it/2C1Ti76)

**Harry:** meet the new CEO of the brand new biochemical research company

 **Harry:** funded completely by the Elizabeth Osborn Association and the Stark Foundation

 **Harry:** the guy that invented the vaccine for COVID-19

 **Harry:** my best friend

 **Harry:** [Peter ](https://pin.it/4trk0r0)

**Gwen:** im c r y i n g 

**MJ:** Parker Industries has a nice ring to it

_**WINTER CAPTAIN** _

**B** **arnes:** she's here.

  
  
  
  



	18. Asgardian Mead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this.

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** Harry, “What do you want for your birthday?” 

**Pete:** Me, “Idk, man, chocolate?” 

**Pete:** Harry, “Imma get you a whole company.” 

**Pete:** Me, “Don’t get me a whole company.” 

**Pete:** Harry: gets me a whole company.

 **Harry:** lol 

**Harry:** 🤷‍♂️

 **MJ:** I mean

 **MJ:** Was anyone shocked? 

**Harls:** you made my present of a cactus

 **Harls:** a stuffed animal

 **Harls:** and dinner

 **Harls:** seem h o r r i b l e

 **Harls:** how does one outdo a company?!

 **Harls:** HOW HARRY HOW

 **Harry:** im not sorry

 **Harry:** pete was mine first

 **Harls:** i will fight you about this

 **Harry:** lol bet

**MJ:** Harley just decked Harry

 **MJ:** Ngl 

**MJ:** I’m kinda impressed

**Ned** : I just watched Peter eat like his tenth piece of cake 

**Ned** : he is shaking because he's had so much sugar

 **Ned** : Harley is watching like vaguely impressed. 

**Ned** : I am scared 

**Pete** : has anyone tried asgardian mead

 **Harls** : no 

**Harry:** will it bring me death

 **MJ:** I mean maybe

 **Pete** : that shit is STRONG

 **Harry:** but will i die if i drink it

 **Ned** : T r y i t

 **Harry:** where r u pete 

**Harry** : imma have some of that 

**Harry** : l i q u i d d e a t h 

**Pete** : Harry no

 **Harls** : this could be fun

 **Pete** : Harley no!

 **Harls** : we're by the bar come get some

 **Harry** : omw

**MJ:** where are you losers? 

**Ned** : I'm talking to Antman (!!!!) about that time I hacked the CIA on the balcony

 **Harls** : ned

 **Harls** : you live the best quiet nerd life 

**Ned:** Lmao thank 

**MJ:** @Harry

 **MJ:** @Pete

 **MJ:** where the fuck are you two

**Harry** : pete and i are playing w this dog outside

 **Harry** : [Daisy](https://pin.it/2KSRjvs)

 **Harls** : DaIsY?! 

**Pete** : !!!!!

 **Pete** : yes!!!!!

 **Pete** : we're outside come meet her

 **MJ:** That is not descriptive 

**MJ:** wait I just saw Harley literally sprint by yelling Daisy 

**MJ:** so I guess I'll follow him

**Harls** : @gwen

 **Harls:** LOOK AT DAISY

 **Harls** : [Daisy](https://pin.it/2UkOixq)

 **Harls** : THIS IS EASILY THE SECOND GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE

**Ned** : SOMEONE GET HARRY OFF OF THE ROOF

**Pete** : Lmao 

**Pete** : Nat to Clint: "Bet you can't hit Fury with a spitball with your eyes closed" 

**Pete** : Clint, "what do I get if I win?" 

**Pete** : Nat: "bragging rights" 

**Pete** : Clint: "just what i wanted"

 **Pete** : proceeds to hit Fury with a spitball with his eyes closed square in the eyepatch 

**Pete** : Fury didn't notice 

**Pete** : but Carol did 

**Pete** : and hasn't said anything 

**Pete** : so now director fury is just talking to everyone with a spitball stuck to his eyepatch 

**Pete** : and we're all betting on who will break and tell him

 **Pete** : this party is such a disaster

**Ned** : PETER JUST BEAT THOR AT AN ARM WRESTLE

 **Pete** : i swear i died and went to heaven when he picked me up

 **Harls** : i'd be mad

 **Harls** : but your butt looks great from down here 

**Harry** : harley

 **Harry** : this is 

**Harry** : disgusting 

**Harry:** HARLEY KEENER GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY BEST FRIEND 

**MJ:** They're just casually making out in the corner

 **MJ:** @Gwen

 **MJ:** [I'm running out of believable gifs and don't have time to search ](https://pin.it/2cDMGIc)

**Ned** : y 

**Ned** : u

 **Ned** : c

 **Ned** : k

**Harry** : harley just kicked all our asses at karaoke 

**_Unknown Number_ **

**Unknown** : If I call you can you pick up? 

**Harley:** If you call me I will reach through the phone and kill you. 

**_Tony Stank_ **

**Harley:** where are you, old man

 **Harley:** pete's looking for you

 **Harley:** he says he wants to hug you before we leave

 **Harley** : tony? 

**_Peter Parker Parental Pack_ **

**May:** Hey, boys, we're going to be leaving soon if you want to say bye before we go. 

**Murdock:** May? 

**Murdock:** you're Peter's aunt yeah? 

**May:** Who is this

 **Murdock:** Foggy. Matt's friend sorry. 

**Murdock:** He went somewhere with Stark and now I can't find him? Left me his phone. 

**May:** Because that's not weird. 

**Murdock:** I'm sure it's nothing. I'll tell him you guys said bye?

 **May** : that's sweet of you, thanks. 

**Murdock:** Tell Pete I said happy birthday! He's a great kid. 

**May** : Isn't he? **😊**

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry** : peter b parker over here 

**Harry** : just leaving his own party early 

**Harry** : like a grandma

 **Pete** : I'm t i r e d 

**Pete** : and May said no more cake unless I went home so I could crash into bed when it inevitably wears off

 **Ned** : Fair. 

**MJ:** All these losers are drunk anyway 

**MJ:** Let's ditch

 **Harry** : id say no

 **Harry** : but i also just ate the last cupcake 

**Harry** : while black widow dragged her finger across her throat

 **Harry** : so if i dont go im afraid ill die

 **Harry** : my place? 

**Ned:** To watch you two have sex? 

**Ned** : No thanks. 

**MJ:** I mean 

**Harry** : lmao 

**Harry** : my dude ned

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Peter** : IRONDICK

 **Peter** : Tonithot

 **Peter** : Tonitot (cuz you smol)

 **Peter** : Ironstank

 **Peter** : AnTONY

 **Peter** : Tonithew 

**Peter** : Toniothy

 **Peter** : Starkasaurus 

**Peter** : get it? 

**Peter** : cuz you're old

 **Peter** : I mean 

**Peter** : it's really uncool of you 

**Peter** : to throw me a party

 **Peter** : Buy me a company

 **Peter** : say you're putting your daughter to bed

 **Peter** : leave me to arm wrestle Thor 

**Peter** : WHICH I WON BY THE WAY

 **Peter** : Steal my Danger Assassin Uncle and my Dad-Devil

 **Peter** : and just disappear

 **Peter:** but like

 **Peter** : I forgive you

 **Peter** : and I will let it go

 **Peter** : for now

 **Peter** : and just say thank you

 **Peter** : for being amazing

 **Peter** : and giving me everything you have

 **Peter** : I'm sorry I can't call you dad 

**Peter** : But know that you

 **Peter** : and Matt

 **Peter** : are the best third and forth dads

 **Peter:** a spider kid like me

 **Peter** : could ever have

**_ Tony Stank _ **

**Harley** : seriously 

**Harley:** i'm starting to get worried 

**Harley** : tell me you just

 **Harley:** conveniently lost your phone or something

**_Dad-Devil_ **

**Peter** : MATT

 **Peter** : Foggy said Tony stole you? 

**Peter** : I didn't get to day bye 

**Peter** : 😥 

**_Unknown Number_ **

**Unknown** : I'll call you tomorrow, okay? 

**Harley:** please

 **Harley** : just leave me alone

**Monday**

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry** : asgardian mead: 

**Harry** : i feel like ive been smacked in the face 

**Harry:** by thor's hammer

 **Harry** : mjorniarina sauce 

**Ned** : Harry wtf 

**Ned** : 😂😂😂😂

**Pete** : Mjorniarina sauce 

**Pete** : gold

**Harls** : pete woke up

 **Harls** : and screamed

 **Harls** : because may put a plastic spider on his pillow 

**Pete** : WHO DOES THAT

**_**Incoming call from Personal Stalker** _ **

"You're on speaker." 

"Good morning, bitch." 

"Hi Tony!" 

"Take me off speaker, kid. We have to talk." 

"What?" _There's a moment, a scuffle, as Peter picks up the phone and turns off speaker phone._ "Okay you're off. Are you okay?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good." 

"You just disappeared yesterday." 

"Yeah kid I'm… I'm sorry. How was the rest of the party?" 

"It was fine… I took the rest of the cake home." 

"Good, it was yours." 

"You didn't call to talk to me about a party you were at though."

"No… I didn't."

"Is this a Peter problem or a Spidey problem?" 

"Neither." 

"Tony." 

"I'm serious, kid. Don't do anything on this information. We're handling it." 

"She's here isn't she?" 

"We thought she was." 

"What does that even mean?" 

"Barnes saw what he thought was Arachne. It wasn't her." 

"Who was it?" 

"Another operative." 

"Where was it?" 

"Peter."

"Where was it?" 

"Your party. But -" 

"You're telling me that you brought everyone I give a shit about into one spot and she came and you didn't even tell me?" 

"It was your _birthday_. And we can handle it-" 

"This isn't your job to handle!" 

"Peter-"

"You told me you'd keep me in the loop!" 

"You would have killed her, Peter! If she hadn't thrown May-!" 

"I _will_ kill her for hurting May." 

"Kid, that's why you're out of this one." 

"Tony you don't get to-" 

"I made sure you and all your friends were seen on camera. HYDRA won't take anyone where the cameras are watching. And you were with all the Avengers. They knew to keep an eye on you." 

"So literally everyone but me knew what was happening." 

"Not everyone." 

"Not my friends, you mean." 

"Peter." 

" _Fuck_ , Tony." 

"It wasn't her." 

"Is everyone okay?" 

"A little banged up but we're all fine." 

"I'm not okay with this." 

"I know." 

"You're not even supposed to be going out anymore." 

"If someone threatens my family I will get involved." 

"Who was it?" 

"Another operative." 

"You don't get to keep this from me. Not anymore." 

"Peter-" 

_Call Disconnected._

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry** : lmao remember when we went to comic con 

**Harry** : and pete 

**Harry** : entered an avengers lookalike contest 

**Harry** : and won as spiderman

 **Harry** : and was so mad that he 

**Harry** : like hulk roared into the microphone 

**Harry** : and everyone cheered

 **Harry** : and he just got angrier 

**Harls** : permission to punch my dad

 **Harry** : granted 

**Harry** : u ok

 **Harls** : yeh 

**Harls** : if he calls me though i might not be

 **Harry** : just dont answer 

**Harry** : i send my dad to voicemail if he ever gets through

 **Harry** : pete can help u block him

 **Harls** : tony had done it for me

 **Harls** : i don't even know how he got through 

**Harls** : since it still shows as blocked 

**Harry** : dude

 **Harry** : that 

**Harry** : is a little scary 

**_The Roomies_ **

**Pete** : Harry 

**Pete** : do NOT watch the news

 **Pete** : just

 **Pete** : lock everything please 

**Harry** : y 

**Pete** : it's your dad 

**Harry** : fuck

**_Soulmate_ **

**Ned** : Good morning beautiful 

**Ned** : So guess who just booked their flight to Cali??? 

**Ned** : Babe? 

**Ned** : You up? 

**Ned** : The party sucked without you. 

**Ned** : Gwen? 

**_Clusterfuck _ **

**Ned:** Has anyone heard from Gwen? 

**_The Gang_ **

**Harls:** good morning boo

 **Harls** : you okay? 

**Harls** : i promise i'm not replacing you

**Harls** : gwendolyn? 

**Harls** : gwen this isn't funny

**Gwen** : tell the spider i said hi 


	19. Things are Not Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point my apologies mean nothing. 
> 
> WARNINGS: referenced child abuse in some detail. If this bothers you in any way please be careful and cautious when reading any part from Harry's point of view.

It was scarily accurate for his life that happiness would be dangled in front of him and then snatched away like it had all been an elaborate hoax. He held the porcelain toilet bowl tighter to his chest as his meager breakfast emptied itself out of his stomach. 

Things had been going _so well._

It was wrong, his psychiatrist had told him, to let his father have this much control over him still. 

Harry flushed in time with a chime on his phone. He picked it up with shaking hands and reddened eyes he refused to meet in the mirror. If he had, he was scared he would turn back into the scared little boy he had once been. Hiding in his bathroom with the door locked or in the dark corner of his bedroom closet, crying in his elbow so as to not make any noise and tip Norman off to where he was. He would be back as the little boy that May Parker looked ready to cry at when she saw his black eye and broken arm. Ben Parker had threatened to arrest his father, once, and then Harry had been whisked away to a boarding school and lost all contact until college. 

His phone vibrated this time, alerting him to a call. 

An irrational fear gripped at his chest but disappeared when MJ's picture flashed across his screen. "MJ." He answered in a breath and sat down, hard, on the rim on the bathtub. 

His apartment was entirely too empty, now, since she had left in the morning. Entirely too big. 

"I just saw the news." Her voice lacked the distinct sound of disinterest it usually held, replaced with a soft worry. "I'm on my way over." 

Harry's heart beat, the way it usually did, with an eager stuttering happiness, whenever MJ invited herself over. He had given her a key just a few months prior, after the months of misery being quarantined alone. "No." He hated having to say it, but in his mind was his father, face twisted grotesquely green, and smile stretched so far his lips were bleeding. _Love is dangerous, Harry. Remember that._ "Just… stay home. Lock everything." 

"I don't like you being alone right now, Harry."

Neither did he. 

Frankly, Harry wasn't exactly sure what else he was meant to do. _Lock everything,_ Peter had said. And Harry had done so because there was no one he trusted more. 

"Just stay on the phone." 

"Of course." MJ paused. Being soft wasn't easy for her, Harry knew. There were too many rough edges, too much that being soft had broken in her when she was young. "I love you, Harry Osborn." 

Harry smiled, even if smiling felt more like pulling teeth. 

_Crash!_

He jumped, his phone dropped to the ground and the screen cracked across MJ's smiling face. 

Against all instincts of self preservation, Harry gripped his phone in his hand tight, the broken glass cutting into skin, and slowly nudged open the bathroom. His heart hammered in his chest, MJ's voice echoed in his head, begging him to answer her. The hallway was empty, but Harry's apartment was big. One empty hallway meant nothing. 

Harry remembered when he was younger, half his height and wide eyed with broken trust, when an empty hallway meant a clear path to run from an unforgiving hand. He remembered freshman year of college when he came home and roomed with Peter. His father's biting words of _he's the perfect son_ , Harry could distinctly feel the sting of a tenuous grip on sanity. Terror. Resignation. 

Harry had thought he was going to die just four years ago. Had expected it and accepted it as a reality. 

But then there had been a rage in him that hadn't been able to be quieted. He had fought back against Norman exactly once. When Norman had somehow gotten Peter strapped to a table and messing with DNA in a way that only a mad scientist could. It had ended as horribly as Harry had expected - with the broken glass of a window, a sludge-like mass flying out of Peter's chest, and a _venom_ like Harry had never felt before. 

Norman had almost died. 

Harry couldn't bring himself to feel bad about it. 

And now, well, now Harry turned the corner into his living room and his steps stuttered. 

Norman Osborn looked like every nightmare Harry had ever suffered from. His skin was a sickly green, pale and peeling. The corners of his mouth had dripping lines of red from his near permanent smile. His eyes felt like bullets tearing into Harry's body. 

"S _hit."_

Harry took one step back, berated himself that he had been clearly hanging around Peter _no self preservation instincts_ Parker, and his father took glee in his fear. Norman always had. "My _boy_." The Goblin had clearly taken over whatever sane parts of Norman that were left because that was not the voice of Harry's father. 

It made it easier to face, perhaps. The Goblin had a one track mind. Norman could snap at anything. 

In that same way, the Goblin was entirely more terrifying. Harry had become adept at reading Norman's moods. He knew very little of the Goblin. 

The Goblin stepped forward and Harry stepped back. His fear only seemed to entertain the shell of his father more. 

Shame made him want Peter to swing in from the same broken window Norman had made. Determination to survive made him turn his back and run. 

It was a familiar feeling and fit like Harry's leather jacket. 

The Goblin caught him in the kitchen by the collar of his shirt. Harry choked, just for a moment, before his back hit the edge of the counter. "Where is the spider, Harry?" 

One track mind. 

It was always about Peter with the Goblin. 

It was now, at 23, that Harry realized that he would happily die to protect his friend. He would hate to do it, didn't want to leave when he had finally stopped looking over his shoulder, but he would do it. 

The Goblin wasn't getting Peter. 

No one was.

Not on his watch. 

In that case, it meant Harry had to fight. And the Goblin had brought him to the room that had the most weapons. On shaking legs and with a new resolve, Harry pushed himself to his feet and lunged for the knife block. 

* * *

_Gwen._

Harley couldn't breathe through the panic, but Peter's face was painfully blank. It was more than a little unnerving to watch Peter slip into the mask of Spider-Man without a suit on. Perhaps under different circumstances Harley would have found it attractive but, now, with almost no sign of the man he had fallen in love with swimming in those brown eyes, Harley could only feel cold dread. 

The one person they hadn't protected. "She's not the operative?" It was Matt that asked, his own mouth put into a thin, stern line. 

That wasn't the face of a blind lawyer from Hells Kitchen. Harley had never asked how Matt and Peter knew each other but now, in this room, Matt was the only one aside from Harley that plainly did not belong. 

Still, no one asked him to leave and, in fact, almost deferred to him. 

Peter was still, painfully, quiet. Unusual even for Spider-Man if what Harley had seen of him was true. 

"No." Harley spoke when it seemed like no one else would. "Gwen isn't HYDRA." 

"They've shocked us all before." The Black Widow said from her spot leaning against a wall next to Hawkeye. It was dry, but Harley still saw Sam Wilson glance almost against his own judgement at James Barnes. 

"You know the most about them." Matt shot in Barnes's general direction. "What's your opinion?" 

Barnes spoke to Peter, though, and not at the others in the room. "What are you thinking, Spider-Man?" Respect. That was what Harley was hearing. 

And it wasn't as though the others didn't respect Peter. But to them he was still… a _child_. Their child. The youngest Avenger. Captain America had been small once, easily overlooked and underestimated, Harley remembered that from history class. But he had also been a brilliant tactician. Barnes must have been used to deferring to someone everyone else wanted to protect. He had been the one to go with Peter on the first Arachne confrontation. Not to stop him, but to have his back. 

"They took the one person that I cared about that wasn't at the party." Peter said with a different voice. A twinge of arrogance that spoke of a persona he threw on almost casually everyday.

He had been doing this for ten years now, Harley realized. This wasn't his first rodeo. 

"And released the Goblin into New York City." It was clinical efficiency, still Harley felt Tony flinch from where he was standing behind Harley's chair. "So now I'm torn between at least two places. Do I go to California to try and save Gwen, or do I stay in New York to take down the Goblin again?" 

Barnes nodded, as though he had come to the same conclusion. "And those texts?" 

To Harley. 

From his dad. 

Harley swallowed hard.

Now there was something he was trying hard not to think about. "There's no reason to believe that those are from anyone other than William Keener." Tony's fingers twitched against the back of Harley's shoulder. 

"How bad do you want to find William Keener and get him to stop?" Barnes asked Peter, quirking an eyebrow. 

It took Peter a minute to answer, brown eyes darting across Harley's face. "Bad." He answered when their eyes met. 

Harley's mouth was dry. 

"Then it's not something we can rule out." The Widow spoke again. 

"We'll trace the call," Hawkeye nodded. He was a father, Harley remembered, and his frustration at the situation was clear on his face. "Listen in for anything that we can use." 

"Until then-." 

Harley's phone vibrated on the table and the room fell silent, every eye pulled towards the noise. 

_Unknown._

Peter's phone went off a moment later. 

_MJ._

"Answer it." Peter declined the call on his own phone, and leaned forward to grab Harley's hand in his own. It was gentle when it closed on Harley's own, warm and steady. 

Hawkeye nodded. 

Harley accepted the call and switched it to speaker not a moment later. "I'm surprised you answered." Harley hadn't heard that voice in almost thirteen years. 

He shut his eyes tightly as a wave of anguish tore through him. Tony's hand gripped the back of his neck. 

"Harley?" 

Peter implored him with his eyes. 

Harley sucked in a greedy gasp of breath. "What do you want?" 

"To talk to my kid, is that so wrong?" 

Matt's head cocked curiously to the side. Peter's eyes tracked the movement. "Thirteen years too late." 

"Don't be so hostile, Harley." William Keener laughed. "You don't want anything to happen to Abby do you?" 

Fear. 

Harley had felt it before but not… not like this. 

Fear morphed into anger pretty quick, though. "Fuck you." 

_"Would you like any help with your bags, sir?"_

Abby. 

That… was Abby. "Don't…" his voice caught in his throat, choked. 

"Come home, Harley." 

And William hung up. 

Harley met Peter's eyes with wide terrified ones of his own. 

"You're staying here." Tony said with a point when Peter moved to stand up. "Murdock, keep him here." Matt nodded and Harley watched as a war of emotions crossed Peter's face. "Keener, Hawk, with me." 

"No!" Peter abruptly yelled, his hands hitting the table loud enough to make it shake on its legs. "You're not giving him what he wants." 

"Peter-." Tony started. 

"You're what they want, kid." Hawkeye interrupted. 

"So give them _me_." 

Harley felt like he was going to have a nasty case of whiplash from the tidal wave of emotions he was feeling. "No." Harley grabbed at Peter's shoulders, forcing him to look up. Peter's hands opened and closed into fists at his side. "William Keener is my fight." 

"We fight together or we don't fight at all." 

That hurt. That hurt so much that it felt almost like a balm against every cutting word William Keener had ever stated. "This is Abby." Harley said softly. "I won't let him…."

Spider-Man went away and Peter returned with soft hands, sympathetic eyes, and gentle fingers. "You come back home to me, you hear me Keener?" 

Harley's lips twitched. _Home_. "Stay safe, Parker." He pulled Peter into a kiss, uncaring of who was watching, desperate for a satisfying goodbye. 

Peter wasn't going to listen, Harley had seen that much in his eyes. This was war. 

* * *

Matt was good at many things, but Peter had strength over him. He waited until the others had stepped out, had nodded at Bucky exactly once before the door shut. _Stay safe._ Well, Peter would certainly try. 

Matt hadn't expected it, didn't have a moment to put the reflexes of Daredevil to good use before Peter had knocked him out cold with one solid, quick punch. "Sorry, Matt." Peter winced before settling him, gently, so that he slumped over the table. 

Peter had to move quick. "Friday, lock the doors, please." 

"Of course, Peter." 

He heard the locks click and knew he had exactly five minutes before Nat managed to break her way through the locks. Peter shucked off his shirt and then kicked out of his jeans. "Friday?" 

"Right away sir." 

A panel to the left opened, his suit in red and blue. Despite everything he smiled. " _Open the door, Peter!_ " He heard from behind the doors. 

Make that three minutes. 

After ten years Peter had become quick in pulling on the suit and it felt just like changing into pajamas. He had just slung a leg over the open windowsill when they got through, Nat in front, Captain Sam just behind her, and Bucky moving at a much slower pace. "Don't you dare-!" Nat lunged and Peter shot a quick wave over his shoulder before shooting out a web and letting it pull him away from Stark Industries, tugging down his mask as the wind whipped by his ears. 

_Hello Peter._

"Hey Karen. Call Ned, yeah?" 

_Of course, Peter._

Ned answered on the first ring. "Peter!" 

"You're already tracing Gwen's phone, yeah?" 

"Yeah!" Ned tried his best not to sound relieved but Peter couldn't blame him. What was the point of having a superhero friend if they couldn't help a kidnapped girlfriend? "She's in California, though, how are you going to get there?" 

"Stay on the line, Ned."

"What-?" 

"Karen." 

_Yes Peter?_

"Put me through to Gwen." 

_Peter that doesn't sound wise-._

"Now, Karen." 

_Right away._

The call connected but there was no answer. "Come get me, _Jessica_. Enough of this." 

"That's not my name, Spider." 

"You have an hour until the Avengers catch up to me. Better hope you get here before they do." Peter almost hung up but thought better of it after a moment. "You can't trust them, Arachne. They're using you too." 

Arachne was silent on the other end. "Come easy and they won't hurt her." 

It was something sickly that churned in the pit of his stomach. Lies. They were all lies. "If they have already hurt her…" 

"They promised." Arachne insisted. "So I promise." 

Peter felt like he was making a deal with the devil but, well, what else was he meant to do? His life for the lives of his friends wasn't a bad deal to make. And, well, he wasn't exactly alone was he? "Come get me then." 

Peter hung up and focused so that he could only hear Ned's breathing through the other end of the phone. "Peter _no."_

"Ned." 

"You have a plan right? You know what you're doing?" 

_No._ "Don't I always?" 

"I mean… not really." 

"Ned. I need…" 

"Anything, Peter." 

"They're going to ask you where I am." 

"I won't lie to them, Peter." 

"Good, don't." Peter took a deep breath and let it out slow, savoring the way it flowed from his lungs. "Tell them only once Harry is safe, okay?" 

Ned made a noise that sounded strangled. "O-of course. But Peter-." 

"And _please_ Ned. Tell…"

"Tell him yourself." 

* * *

Harry missed the knives. Or, rather, Goblin's hand hit him square in the chest and heaved him onto the ground. He cackled the entire time. 

This was fun for him. 

Harry had been shown, once, how to properly dislodge a person from above. All his movements did now, though, was cause the Goblin to tighten a green, weathered hand around his neck. 

"Where is the spider, Harry?" 

Harry used to hate his name. 

_I'm so sorry, Harry._

_Never again, Harry._

_I promise, Harry._

His fingers struggled to reach for anything to free himself from an unyielding grip but nothing came up. Nothing broke free. 

With watering eyes he saw the bottom drawer. 

Harry never opened that drawer. 

It had been a promise to Peter that stopped him. A simple _I promise it's gone_ . A lie. Harry's greatest secret. Kept in a small jar like fairy dust and shoved to the bottom of a wooden drawer. If he could only _reach_. 

The Goblin let go for one moment. "Let's have some fun, son!" He grabbed Harry's chin with his long nails and they cut through his skin like knives. "You tell me where _Petey_ is and you'll get to fly again!" Out a window. 

Harry used to think he was safe from dying. Norman never wanted him dead. He wanted a punching bag, someone to manipulate and tear apart. Not dead. 

But the Goblin? 

The Goblin held no love for his son. 

Harry was always just an easy target to get to Peter. 

Harry thrust a fist upward and connected, solidly with his father's windpipe. It was a good shot, one Harry hadn't expected to get him anywhere. He scrambled with his seconds of freedom with the drawer, but the Goblin was always quicker. He grabbed at Harry's legs and he fell down, hard, cracking his chin on the floor and spilling the drawer over the floor. Corkscrews, toothpicks, matchbooks, and pot holders spilled around him. 

And there…. 

It swirled in the bottle, as though longing to break through glass and find a new host. 

The Goblin flipped Harry over, his nails tearing apart skin at his back, and smiled. 

Harry smashed the glass between the floor and his hand. 

"Why'd you do that?" The Goblin quirked his head and Harry let himself fall back and Venom took control. 

* * *

In California, Gwen Stacey screamed. 


	20. Contractions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all of you and hope I can keep living up to your expectations.

She felt like her skin was on fire. 

It itched and ached and wanted to tear away from her body and grow anew. Every moment faded into a dull cacophony of whispered observations, agony, and _pain._ Gwen was in so much _pain._

She couldn't remember much beyond that morning, sitting with her back to the sun and her face to the gentle waves of a California beach. She had been so happy mere moments before. Now that beachfront memory was all but erased in her mind. Gwen couldn't remember ever being happy. How could she have been happy when this _pain_ existed? 

She had used up all of her tears and the energy that she had once had to scream was all but faded into a dull whimper. _If the spider cooperates she may survive._ Gwen had heard that from a doctor behind a door. _She is a fighter. She may survive without him._

The spider. 

Gwen never liked spiders. 

She had given up after the first visit from the white haired doctor on ever seeing her family again. Gwen had cried out unashamedly for everyone she could think of - mom, dad, Ned, even Harley once. No one came. Gwen told herself that she shouldn't be shocked. 

Another flame inside her licked at her nerves and she groaned pitifully. A tear rolled from her eye down the tip of her nose and Gwen heard it, clear as a whistle, as it hit the ground. Her arm was bleeding, from a moment when Gwen had tried to fight and gotten shot. The doctors hadn't bothered more than a quick clean up. Hadn't bothered trying to stitch it up. 

She was going to die here. 

At least she wasn't going to go easy. 

Still though, Gwen prayed for the pain to stop. For the darkness to come and sweep her away. But it never did. 

Alone. 

For now at least. 

Gwen had broken her arm once, when she was eight. She had been riding her bike, without a helmet, with the sort of reckless abandon only a kid could have. She went up and down the same hill, her legs burning as she pushed herself up to the very top and the wind whipping through her hair as she shot down. She had been having the time of her life, no worries or care, ignorant to her mother’s cautious warning of _always wear a helmet_ and reckless only in the way a child could be. An SUV had come out of nowhere, speeding up the hill and talking on the phone. Gwen had been shocked, her blue eyes wide with indignation. But she was going too fast to stop, and the driver hadn’t even looked up yet. Someone should have swerved, but it all happened too fast. 

Gwen’s back had hit the hood of the car and she had flown, briefly, in the fresh air. It was almost fun, almost like being a bird, until the pavement crashed, hard, into the bare skin of her arms and legs. Gwen didn’t remember crying out, but she did remember the way blood tasted tangy on her tongue. The way that everything was silent and still until the world exploded into noise and lights. Gwen remembered her father’s hands on her body until she _did_ cry out, loud and with a keening whine. 

A miracle, her mother’s pastor had said. 

Regardless, Gwen never stepped a foot on a bike again. 

And now, she feared, she would never be able to lay in a bed ever again. 

Another wave of pain and Gwen shuddered, her body seizing against the restraints that kept her chained to the bed. 

_Gwen._

She imagined Ned saying it in that way he did, with that little smile and spark in his eyes. Softly with a hand curled around her lower back to hold her still against his body. They used to dance, in one of those bars that catered to the elderly that wanted to remember the good old days. Gwen sang there during the school year and Ned had worked in their kitchen. He was nice, funny, considerate and everything that Gwen had ever dreamed of belonging to her heart. Ned had asked her out to dinner with a hand toying in his shirt and Gwen had laughed with a blush coating her cheeks. He had brought her to ice cream, danced with her in the street, her skirt twirling up around her legs when he spun her. Ned called her _pretty_ and _smart_ and _talented_ and Gwen wanted nothing more than to be what he saw when he looked at her. _Strong_ he had called her once, when she had cried over midterms and lost her grandmother in the same day. 

Gwen didn’t feel strong. 

“Another go then, Miss Stacey.” A doctor said from her right and Gwen keened, high and pathetic. 

_Please, no._

The words were stuck in her throat, torn between begging and telling this doctor to _fuck the hell off._ She couldn’t stop him even if she wanted to, her head pounding and fire in her veins. 

Gwen didn’t have to see the needle to know it was there, feeding the IV with dark red liquid and shooting it through her veins. She had counted down the moments to exactly when it would start to hurt. 

Ten. 

Nine. 

Eight. 

Her fingers twitched involuntarily, a tick that she didn’t want to show them. 

Stubborn. 

Gwen had always been horrendously stubborn. 

Six. 

Five. 

Four. 

Her back arched. 

Her eyes squeezed shut before slamming open. 

Dimly, Gwen heard the heart monitor settle into a high, warning, scream. In her mind she only saw Ned, smiling as she twirled around him on a warm California day, heels kicking up dust around her ankles from the concrete and lights twinkling in the distance. 

_Strong._

One. 

* * *

Tennessee was everything that Harley hated in the world. It was school bullies, hiding in alleyways, cigarette smoke and sneaking tastes of whiskey under the twinkling stars. His heart hadn’t stopped pounding out the rhythm of Abby’s name against his ribs since before they had loaded on the plane and… well it wasn’t about to stop now. Not even with two Avengers flanking him on either side. 

Harley never wanted to see William Keener again. 

Granted, if Abby was involved, he really had no other choice. 

He wondered when Tony would figure out that Peter hadn’t listened to him. Wondered when he would realize just how capable Peter was, as both Peter Parker and Spider-man. Wondered if Tony would be angry and distracted or if he would stay to see this out. 

“Kid,” It was Hawkeye that spoke, turned around to face him with the look of a man that had seen way too much carved into each line of his face. “You up to this?” 

“Do I have a choice?” 

“You always have a choice.” Tony was sporting the concern Harley had yearned for for much of his childhood. 

No he didn’t. 

There was no choice here. No correct answer, no vowel to buy. William Keener knew exactly what he was doing. Abby was the one person that could ever make Harley step foot back in a state that held no good memories. “Let’s just get this over with.” Harley wiped his hands on his jeans and squared his shoulders. 

Facing his father was nothing. Nothing compared to what the Avengers faced almost daily. 

Peter had a nightmare exactly four times in the two weeks Harley had been there. He had pretended not to notice, but he had felt the way Peter’s body had seized between blankets. Had watched through slitted eyes when Peter struggled to pull himself together, the glow of a phone screen lighting up his face. Once, Peter had crawled away from him and into May’s room, returning an hour later in a busted and mothholed New York Police Department sweatshirt that fell past his hands. Peter had settled against Harley’s shoulder, his cheeks red from dried tears and hadn’t slept the rest of the night. 

This… felt like what Harley imagined those nightmares must have been like. 

Stepping off the plane felt like stepping into a warzone. 

Seeing William Keener standing in his backyard, his mother in the doorway with anger creased on her face, and Abby ducked behind her, was enough to make Harley steel his nerves. A nightmare didn’t go away unless it was confronted. 

If Peter could confront his every single day then Harley could confront his with minimal fear. 

Tony was the next off, walking close to Harley’s back and looking every bit the intimidating millionaire he was. Harley had thought, back when he was ten, that Tony would make an excellent second choice for a father. He was rich, he was a superhero, and he could whisk Harley and his family to somewhere less dusty and more _alive._ But Tony had left and through no fault of his own shattered that childhood dream. 

Harley had learned then that the only hero he had was himself - was his mother that worked her ass off to support two growing children - was Abby that punched bullies and carried knives in case anyone tried to mess with them ever again. No support but each other. 

Harley looked too much like William Keener. They had the same height, the same mess of blonde hair, the same curve to their noses, except Harley had gotten his broken back when he was sixteen and had brought a boy to prom. 

He stopped three feet apart from William, his arms held loose at his sides, Tony a mere step away offering a protection he couldn’t actually give. The damage had already been done. There was nothing left to protect against. 

Harley watched as William took him in, felt his eyes drag across his face and shoulders and down his long legs before settling back onto his eyes. Blue. Harley’s eyes didn’t belong to either of his parents, but, instead, to a recessive gene that had been lost among years of pale green eyes. “Harley, son.” William sounded tortured. 

Good. 

He didn’t deserve to feel anything less than what Harley had been feeling for thirteen years. 

It was odd to see him in person after so long apart. Harley didn’t feel the same longing that he had for Peter through a telephone screen. Had long since grown enough to realize that his father had never been the hero Harley had longed him to be. Harley could remember bedtime stories read in the same voice. He wished he could burn those memories like the wood burned in a fire pit. “You wanted to see me.” Harley kept his voice as steady as he could, his fists balled at his side. “Well, you have eyes. Can you see me yet?” 

Tony let out an almost strangled noise from behind him. Entertained. Proud. Maybe. Harley didn’t bother turning around to check. 

William flinched and, vindictively, Harley smirked. “I missed you.” 

“Do me a favor,” Harley scoffed. “We both know I’m smart enough not to believe that crap. Why did you want me here?” 

He knew why, even if he didn’t want to acknowledge it. Hawkeye had said it back at Stark Industries. 

This was all a ploy to get to Peter. All a mess to tear him in every different direction until he broke and gave HYDRA exactly what they wanted. 

Harley only knew the briefest about HYDRA - what was reported on the news when SHIELD fell. A counter spy organization that had been around since the Nazis. They liked to experiment on humans, liked to reach into minds and scramble them until almost none of the original person survived. Harley wouldn’t wish them upon his greatest enemy. 

“I missed my family.” William said again, as though if he were to say it enough he could convince himself. 

“Bullshit.” Harley shifted so his body was just a little bit closer to Tony’s. 

“I did.” William insisted, imploring Harley with his eyes. 

“Did you leave us because HYDRA called you back?” Now that Harley thought about it, the clues had always been there. He had walked in on his father burning letters once, had asked him about it but William had just shrugged and smiled and distracted him with fairytales. William had taken a keen interest in how Harley was excelling in school, loved when he made robots and built engines. He had been a good father, for ten years, and then he had left. 

A good father never just left. 

Tony’s eyes drilled holes into the back of Harley’s head. He knew Tony’s mind was scrambling. What did Harley know that he didn’t? What had he figured out just moments before and not spoken? 

William’s smile dropped from his face and though his eyes were pained he didn’t try to deny it. Good, Harley thought, he was smart enough to know when he had been figured out. “Or did you just show back up because you got paid enough?” Another option. One that Harley didn’t believe as much. He had tried to track WIlliam down when he was thirteen. Had hacked and researched and investigated and came up empty handed. 

William Keener had never existed beyond a marriage license and two birth certificates. There were pictures of parents that fell to the ground if Harley tugged on the strings just a little bit. As a teenager he hadn’t known what it meant. As an adult well… Harley had learned a lot when growing up. 

“I hadn’t wanted to leave.” William insisted. 

Harley rolled his eyes and glanced, with softer eyes, at where Abby stood behind her mother, her mouth in a thin line and eyes staring, hard, at him. She hadn’t known who William was, but she had been the one to put the thought into his mind when she had been eight and made up fanciful stories of a father that was a secret agent that had to go on a mission and left his family behind. The only difference was that in Abby’s story William had left to protect them. In reality, William left because they had just been a cover for him. _Nothing_ , that’s what they were to him. 

Tony’s watch beeped and Harley heard with a chill when the older man cursed. 

Peter had done it then. 

“You knew,” Tony said with something akin to betrayal in his voice when Harley looked at him without surprise. Harley didn’t answer. 

He owed Tony Stark next to nothing. 

He owed Peter Parker everything. 

“Where did he go?” Tony asked him but Harley turned back to William even as Tony’s hand closed around his arm, tight and unforgiving. 

“You called me here to get me out of New York didn’t you?” Harley spit at his father even as Tony tugged him in impatience. A man so used to getting what he wanted by throwing around his weight. 

That was unfair, Harley knew that. Peter was the son that Tony had never had. But Tony had kept pertinent information from Peter and expected that Peter would listen like a dog when he told him to stay. Knowledge was power, and Tony had kept knowledge away from the one person that needed it most. A parent’s want to protect their child knew no bounds. 

“It worked, didn’t it?” William said with a shrug. “You’re here. He’s alone.” 

Tony froze and Harley knew the exact moment it hit him. 

They had left Peter alone without the strongest protection he could have had. They had fallen for a trick so convoluted that no one could have imagined it happening. 

Well… 

Peter had imagined it. 

Peter had planned for it. 

Harley had planned for it. 

He turned, quicker than Tony expected, and slipped the watch from the older man’s wrist. Tony lunged for him, but Harley had already secured it around his own. “Trust me.” He implored with the older man, begging Tony with earnest eyes. He was going to make him a suit anyway. 

Why not give this one a whirl. 

Tony backed down remarkably fast, with a defeated slum of his shoulders. 

“Bring our boy home... Iron Man.” 

* * *

_Jessica._

That was what the Spider was always calling her, like it was her name, like it was who she was. _You’re name is Jessica Drew,_ he had begged just months before, his hand holding her firm to the top of a rooftop. _Please._

_Jessica._

Jessica Drew was the daughter of scientists Jonathan and Merriam Drew. She had grown up in London, England, in a little town house on the edge of the city. She had gotten sick, at twelve due to whatever chemicals her father had been playing around with in his laboratory. She had nearly died, until another scientist, Herbert Wyndham came up with a way to quiet the uranium in her blood. _Irradiated spiders’ blood._ He had seen it done, his paper said, at a lab in New York City by a biologist named Richard Parker. Little Jessica was attached to an incubator, kept in a lab where only her father and Wyndham could observe the outcome of their little trial. Merriam Drew died a month after, and a year after that Jonathan Drew had been slain in a car accident. When Jessica woke up the world was an entirely different place. She was stronger, more powerful, and alone. 

The rest on Jessica Drew was harder to dig up. Found by HYDRA, wiped clean again and again and again in the same cruel and archaic methods that they used on the Winter Soldier. 

Arachne had asked Jared about her, late one night when they shared a bed under a ceiling fan. He had simply kissed her in the mattress and promised her that she would be safe from whatever tried to harm her. 

Still, Arachne looked very much like Jessica Drew in the pictures. They had the same thick, dark brown hair and the same hazel eyes. The same divots on their fingerprints, the same wrinkle to their forehead when they thought too hard. 

The Spider woke with a jerk, his hands almost immediately snapping the metal cuffs the agents had slapped onto his wrists. Idiots. Even Arachne could break those. 

He was younger than she had expected, just a few years younger than Arachne figured she was. He had a defined jaw, chocolate brown eyes, and soft curls. He looked at her instead of the others. 

Arachne nodded and hoped he understood. 

“Where am I?” He asked instead. 

“California.” Arachne answered. 

His lips pursed. 

They had taken off the mask not long after throwing him onto the plane, unconscious from the blow one of the Agents had happily delivered. Barbaric, Arachne thought. It was rude to play with your food. 

“Gwen?” 

No self preservation, this one. Always asking about others. 

Arachne wanted to tell him to be selfish. 

“She’s fine.” 

“She better be.” 

It was dark. 

Good. 

Arachne remembered when she had taken his aunt and threatened her. She remembered how his fists had rained down on her skin and how she had felt, for the first time in her life, scared. It had been intoxicating to feel something other than blind loyalty. Arachne wanted to see what would happen if he hadn’t been distracted. What could this boy accomplish?

Still, the girl was innocent. An unnecessary pawn. _Gwen_ was her name. She had told Arachne about her father, a police officer, and had begged for an answer to why. Arachne had told her. _The Spider._ It hadn’t felt satisfactory so Arachne had promised that Gwen would not be harmed. 

Arachne kept her promises. 

“If she’s hurt-.” The Spider began. 

“She is not.” Arachne scoffed. 

If the girl with the kind eyes was hurt then… well Arachne wasn’t sure what would happen then. But she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. 

* * *

“ _Harry!”_ He snapped back into place, his eyes unfocused and stumbling back until he had fallen over. His chest heaved in quick, sharp breaths. 

MJ was in his doorway, her shoes buried in broken glass. 

The Goblin was stuck to the wall, tendrils of black dripping off his body and piling onto the floor. **_Kill._** Harry flinched at the voice. **_He hurt us. He dies._** The Goblin was smiling, his eyes alight with the sort of joy that made Harry’s insides swirl. 

**_Let me kill._ **

Harry wanted to. It would only be fitting. “Harry,” but then MJ was next to him, her hands gentle on his torn skin and face creased in worry. She had been crying. “What happened?” 

**_Let us kill._ **

Harry let her hug him close to her chest, and felt Venom tug for control at the back of his mind. The Goblin’s eyes smiled. He was enjoying this. **_Destroy._ **

“We can’t find Peter.” MJ was rambling. She only ever rambled when she was stressed. “Ned said he traded himself for Gwen and…” 

Peter. 

Harry pulled away quick, letting the anger in his body feed Venom. “Where’s Peter?” He didn’t address the question to MJ, but to his father, who’s feet kicked in joy at the wall. 

“Harry-.” 

His hand turned into a black tendril, reaching out from where he stood blocking MJ’s body from his father’s view and grabbing onto the Gobin’s throat. “ **_Where’s Peter?”_ **


	21. Badly Executed Plot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Below is 13 pages of poorly executed action and plot and welp, so sorry for how horrible this reads. 
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy! I guess.
> 
> Brief trigger warning for Harley discussing previous suicidal thoughts.

**_ Earlier that day _ **

Peter’s head was whirling with scenarios and Harley was pacing in the apartment the Parker’s were currently occupying. If Peter glanced outside he would see the city - vivid and alive just like normal. Only nothing had been normal for months now. Strictly abnormal was just par for the course at this point. The Goblin was out, which meant Harry was in only the sort of grave danger that Norman Osborn could ever produce. Gwen was missing, taken presumably, but Arachne and HYDRA. At the best she was still alive and in a great deal of pain. 

At the worst she had just been added onto the list of people Peter had failed. 

Tony had told them to stay in the apartment, to wait until the rest of them arrived. 

The rest of them. 

Peter was _angry_ in a way he so rarely was. Not necessarily at Tony or Matt or even the rest of the Avengers. At himself, perhaps. At the entire situation. At the world. Peter wasn’t entirely sure, but whatever it was that he was angry at was so far out of his grasp that he couldn’t even punch it into submission. 

His anger was a quiet one. Peter was never the sort of person to get violently angry. He had a stiff control over his emotions that would be terrifying if he ever bothered to stop and think about it. 

For now, though, Harley was pacing with the sort of frantic fear that Peter hadn’t felt since Arachne had taken May. 

In hindsight, it was easy to see that everything had been leading up to this. Arachne wasn’t dead, she wasn’t in prison, and she hadn’t switched sides. The two of them had unfinished business, the same sort of unfinished business that kept those like Octavious and Norman knocking at his door. Peter refused to shut the door on them the way they so greatly wanted. Death wasn’t in Peter’s bag of tricks. 

He grabbed Harley when he passed him again, hands firm on his waist and arms pulling him into Peter’s chest tightly. Harley was shaking. He had never… dealt with anything like this before. 

This was meant to be a good trip for him. A good trip for _them_. For the two that had sacrificed so much for someone else’s war. 

Harley’s hands scrambled at his back, tugging at clothes for purchase until they knotted in the collar of Peter’s shirt and the small of his back. “I’m so sorry, Harley.” Peter whispered into blonde hair. 

_Sorry._

What a shitty word for an entirely avoidable situation. 

Peter was _tired_ all of a sudden. The sort of tired that he didn’t think a twenty three year old was supposed to feel. The sort of tired that filled him to the brim with anguish and frustration. He wanted to sleep the next fifty years away. He thought about never putting back on the suit, locking the doors, and staying locked in this penthouse with wall high windows with Harley in his arms and ignoring every single bad thing that happened in the world from now on. What had helping people ever gotten him but pain? 

“I had a plan to die,” Harley muttered against the skin of Peter’s throat. Peter’s hand stopped drawing the circles it had been in his back. “It was Freshman year and I _hated_ being alive, you know? Nothing was easy and Abby would be fine without me. I… I was going to do it.” 

A world without Harley Keener in it wasn’t a world worth saving. 

Freshman year. 

Peter had been a senior in high school, then. Plagued with nightmares of Mysterio and Rome and the last breath Tony Stark had breathed before two minutes of total silence before Wanda Maximoff had put a hand to his chest and _willed_ him back to life. 

Peter said nothing. “Then I met Gwen. Literally walked into her and she dropped her drum sticks and I made a stupid joke about her being able to stab me with them.” Harley continued either way. “And she…” He shrugged. 

Harley didn’t have to say anything else. Peter understood. 

He understood in the same way that Harry told him _you saved me_ and in the way Tony looked at whiskey like it held an answer and Matt stared at Foggy like he could stop the world from falling apart just by a simple, _please no._ Peter understood because he had seen Wade just moments after a gunshot to the head and had been to one too many therapy sessions with Captain Sam. 

The world was cruel to those with the biggest hearts. 

“I have to save her.” Harley’s voice broke but he pulled away, pleading in his gaze and Peter reached up to wipe the tears that pooled at his eyes. 

“ _We_ have to save her.” Peter pushed until Harley nodded. “Together or not at all, okay?” 

“Okay.” Harley nodded, their foreheads pressed against each other. 

If Peter closed his eyes he could just live in this one moment. Harley’s arms strong around him and breath teasing at his lips. He could let the whole world fall away into the background and ignore the pressing need to keep everyone he loved safe. 

How was he going to do this? 

Tony wasn’t going to tell him any of this until it became this exact sort of abrupt problem. In his eyes, Peter was still that kid in a hoodie and goggles. He was still that boy that faded to dust in his arms. 

Matt was protective in a way Tony wasn’t. He had held Peter through rooftop breakdowns and heard as a bullet tore through his skin. He would have told if Peter had asked, 

Bucky… would turn a blind eye to anything Peter was planning as long as Peter promised to call him if things were too hard. Bucky had been there to cover him when everyone else told him not to confront Arachne in the first place. He had experience with a punk kid that never took no for an answer. _Would you even listen if I told you to stop?_ He knew Peter wouldn’t, the same way he knew so long ago that Steve Rogers was going to do anything he could to join the army even if it would get him killed. 

That left the others. Natasha would try to stop him for the same reason Clint would - they had families, in Nat’s case Clint’s kids that were close to Peter’s own age. 

“What are you thinking?” Harley asked, his blue eyes prodding into Peter’s own as though he could peel back the skin of his face and see into his brain. 

Peter blinked and was back in the middle of the compound. He had been called in at the last minute, a last ditch effort of Tony’s to convince some scrawny group of superpowered teenagers not to get involved in a war that the Avengers refused to admit was a war belonging to these children. Peter hadn’t sided with the Avengers, hadn’t sided with Tony.

And, if he remembered correctly, Kate still lived in California. 

Peter smirked as a plan began to spark. 

* * *

“Harry, what are you doing?!” MJ yelled from behind him, her hands scrambling to grab at his shirt and ground him back to earth. Venom made him shrug her off and Harry apologized to her in his mind. 

The Goblin was enjoying watching Harry’s fight with the symbiote, he was enjoying being tortured and strangled. 

This was what the Goblin had always wanted. 

Pure _chaos._

“ **_Tell us.”_ **Venom cooed against Harry’s vocal chords. 

The Goblin only laughed. 

Harry _hated_ that noise which, in turn, made Venom hate it too. Venom growled, a low, inhuman noise and pulled Harry forward so that he was face to face, nose to nose, with the Goblin’s sickly face. His breath smelled putrid, like rotted milk and spoiled cheese. Venom didn’t let Harry flinch away. **_Just a taste._ ** Venom crooned in Harry’s mind, almost begging. 

_No._ Harry was quick to shut down. 

“Spider-man, thank god!” MJ gasped from behind him. 

Harry turned so quick he would have snapped his neck if Venom wasn’t part of him. **_Spider._ **Venom spit in anger. 

Venom and Spider-man had a very… complicated relationship. 

And that was Spider-man standing in his living room, even if something seemed very sharply out of focus about him. Spider-man cleared his throat almost awkwardly. “You okay, Harry?” He asked and it was Peter’s voice. 

_Stay down._ Harry told Venom in his mind and felt the black tendrils that only Venom produced slide back into his body. The Goblin was kicking the wall in glee. 

Harry could almost hear him in his mind - _oh this will be fun won’t it, Harry. Can I tell him that you kept some of our little friend?_ Distantly, it was obvious in Harry’s mind that Peter would already have put two and two together and odd that Peter hadn’t already started lecturing him on it. Peter hated lying and Harry hated that he had lied to him. But in this instance…. 

“Where’s Gwen?” MJ asked in a rush, brushing off her jeans as she stood. 

Spider-man rubbed at the back of his neck. 

That wasn’t one of Peter’s nervous ticks.

Peter had very specific nervous ticks - he rubbed at the tip of his nose, would mess up his hair, chew on his thumb nail and gnaw at his lips. Harry had cataloged them a long time ago, back when they were children. 

“Iron Man’s handing it, she’ll be fine.” 

A weird choice of phrase. Even when Spider-man Peter didn’t usually hold off on saying Tony’s name instead of superhero pseudonym. Why would he? Everyone already knew who Iron Man was. 

It was also painfully unlike Peter to ever choose between two friends to save. He wouldn’t have trusted that Tony could save Gwen without tipping off HYDRA and Harry had never expected Peter to know that the Goblin would have been at his apartment to come rescue him. Peter had told him to stay inside and so Harry had. _He_ hadn’t even expected the Goblin to show up in anything other than a nightmare. 

And, still, Spider-man had yet to say anything at all about the black goo keeping the Goblin trapped against the wall. Harry’s hand shot out and snagged MJ’s wrist, stalling her from where she was about to step closer to who she thought was her friend. 

**_Not the spider._ ** Venom hissed against his mind and Harry agreed. 

That wasn’t Peter. 

* * *

“What do you have for me, Cas?” Peter pretended not to hear it, just as he pretended not to feel the ant sized grip that Stature had on his collar. She latched on the moment the plane arrived in California, right under the noses of the HYDRA agents. Peter wasn’t sure if Arachne had noticed, but he didn’t have the energy left to care. Adrenaline was shot through his veins, pumping his heart faster and faster as apprehension swirled in his belly. Unnecessarily risky, Peter remembered Wade telling him over the phone. 

This whole thing would only work if HYDRA noticed nothing awry. Which meant that Peter’s acting skills had to be up to a par they normally weren’t. 

It was fine, though. 

Peter was used to being underestimated. 

When he was younger it wasn’t by choice. As Peter got older he quickly realized the benefit of no one looking in his direction. No one would look in Peter Parker’s direction if he stayed firmly out of crime and focused purely on science. No one would expect Spider-man if he made childish quips and kept his moves quick and flashy. 

His… more powered friends were also used to being overlooked and underestimated. 

Who would expect Stature to break into a HYDRA base if Antman was off in Seattle on a family trip? “This place looks like a doctor’s office.” Cassie muttered and Peter felt her shift her weight just a little bit. He had asked her, once, what it was like to be so small. She had described it as disorienting at first, but like wading through an ocean of bafoonish giants. People tended not to worry about something as small as her. Being overlooked was a superpower in its own right. 

She was right, though. The place did look like a doctor’s office. Smelled like one too. Suspiciously sterile and white. 

Peter had spent his fair share of time in doctor’s offices. When he was younger it was for ailments such as asthma, check ups for his eyes, chronic nose bleeds, bruises from bullies. After the spider bite it was for a host of more serious injuries - stabbings, broken bones, punctured organs, gun shots, head wounds. On certain occasions Peter had even been strapped down, drugged, and tested on in doctor’s offices. He had never been particularly fond of them. Peter hated being prodded and poked at even by skilled and kind hands. 

Arachne and him stopped in front of an office, the frosted plexiglass keeping Peter from seeing inside to who occupied it inside. “You good here, Spider-man?” Cassie whispered in his ear and Peter shrugged his shoulder in something that could be seen as a nervous tick. 

Stature took it for what it was and jumped off, going in search of Gwen and any other victims in other rooms throughout the building. 

Arachne knocked at the door and it swung open on a moment later. 

If she was suspicious over how silent Peter was being she wasn’t saying anything about it. She seemed very adamant that Gwen wasn’t going to be hurt. Peter was a little afraid of what she would do when she learned HYDRA had lied to her. 

And lied to her they had. 

Peter heard as her body went stiff.

Inside the room was a doctor, white haired and tall. He shucked off gloves as he walked closer to greet them. He smiled and Peter felt that familiar anger spike in his gut. “Welcome, Spider-man.” Peter could hear the man’s pulse, slow and steady and _calm_. He had the upper hand here. And he was enjoying every second of Peter’s anguish at Gwen’s form chained to a bed in the far right corner. Arachne hadn’t moved from the corner. 

Peter had never seen Gwen in person, but even pale and bleeding she looked every bit as beautiful as Ned told him she was. She had been wearing only a bathing suit when HYDRA took her, and still now that was all she wore. They hadn’t deemed her worthy enough to even get a blanket. She had a sluggishly bleeding wound on her shoulder - a gunshot that had only been cleaned. Her eyes were closed, cheeks glowing with an almost inhuman light, and breaths shallow in the way that Peter recognized too well as close to death. 

He wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted to reach up, grab the white haired doctor and snap his neck. 

Instead, he swallowed a thick lump in his throat and glanced at Arachne out of the corner of his eye. She was no longer stiff, her left hand shaking where it was dangling down by her leg. Peter tried to meet her gaze but she didn’t look away from Gwen’s body. 

“Did your mentor ever tell you about extremis?” The doctor poured himself a cup of water from the bedside table kept just out of Gwen’s reach. 

A mental tease that if she could just reach far enough she would be able to get some for herself. 

_Extremis_. In Peter’s biology textbook it was defined as the point of death. In the world of science it was an entirely unethical approach to creating your own genetic mutation. Pepper had been injected with it, Tony had removed it from her system, and AIM had used it to create their own brand of super soldier. Norman Osborn had played god the same way Aldritch Killian had back when Peter was just a child and Tony had fallen into Harley’s garage. Norman’s had created Peter, Killian’s had created a group of soldiers that hadn’t been able to stabilize themselves and had, instead, lead to multiple acts of terrorism in a manner of weeks. SHIELD had an operative named Michael Peterson that had been stabilized of the side effects of extremis - but even that had been done entirely unethically. 

“I see he has.” The doctor said with a smile and waved Peter closer to where Gwen lay. “You see, we’ve been dosing Miss Stacey here with the very same thing.” 

“Why?” Peter finally managed words, his hearing catching on the beat of her heart in her chest, steady and strong, but weekening with every ten beats. 

The doctor studied Peter’s face, taking the sort of joy that only a twisted scientist did in how his lips twitched involuntarily at the stutter of Gwen’s breathing. “You can hear her heart, can’t you?” 

Peter had always been just a science experiment to people like him. “ _Why?”_ Peter turned quick, grabbing the doctor by the collar of his lab coat and slamming him back against the wall. The furniture shook, the water glass the doctor had held clanged to the ground at his feet, and almost instantly guards were flooding the room, guns out and pointed directly at Peter. 

The doctor waved them away. “She is going to die, Mister Parker.” He was right, of course, Peter could hear it in her chest. “Do you think your DNA could help stabilize her?” 

The doctor moved before Peter’s senses could warn him, a needle quickly shooting a liquid _fire_ through Peter’s veins. 

* * *

Venom shot out so quick that the Spider-man imposter didn’t see, wrapping Harry’s body in its black oily skin and throwing him out the window he had just come in through. “Harry, what the hell!” MJ hit him in the back, uncaring for the fact that she was hitting Venom instead and glared up at the black toothy mask that stared down at her. “You just threw our friend out a window!” 

**_“That was not the Spider.”_ **Venom answered. 

“So you threw him out a window?!” MJ hit him again. “That is not how we handle things!” 

Venom actually laughed in Harry’s head and willingly shrunk back to Harry’s much shorter height, allowing his host’s face to show instead of his own. MJ didn’t hesitate to slap him across the cheek. Harry winced but Venom seemed to purr in satisfaction. **_We like her._ **

_We love her._

“I didn’t know what else to do?” Harry phrased it as a question, even if he knew MJ wouldn’t take it as one. 

MJ sighed the sigh of someone that had suffered through having idiotic people in her life for too long. Then she reached up and wrapped her arms tight around his neck in a strong hug. 

A gust of wind broke through the silence from the open window and Harry was startled to see big, green wings flapping in the air. An earring glinted in the New York sunset, flopping blonde hair and an annoyed set of a frown across lips. “ _That_ was rude.” He settled onto Harry’s carpet and the wings retracted back into his body, unseen. 

Harry opened his mouth to speak, to say something back, or to perhaps even let Venom out to fight this intruder too but was cut off by another voice, this one from the actual entryway to his apartment and not the open window. **_Demiurge._ ** Venom reared forward and the other boy, dark where the other was light, slammed out a hand without even looking. “ **No.** ” The boy spoke and it felt like a command.

It felt as though someone had reached inside Harry and tore Venom out through his bones. 

Harry gasped and dropped to his knees, and Venom fell to the ground behind him, a writhing black mass against broken glass. MJ dropped quickly next to Harry, her hands comforting on his arm while he gasped for breath, his hand patting at his chest. “Let’s do this my way, now.” 

“Who are you?” MJ demanded, standing up and facing the two. 

“Hi,” the blonde boy said with a little wave. “We’re friends with Spider-man.” 

“You just… you...” Harry stammered. 

“Sorry, but like… you did throw me out the window? So you kind of deserved it?” The blonde boy said with a shrug. “I’m Hulkling, this is…” 

“You’re Young Avengers.” MJ actually sounded shocked. That took a lot, Harry knew. MJ hadn’t seen this coming, and neither had Harry. Which meant Peter had a plan that neither of them had been in the know about.

Hulkling smiled and it made him look unfairly handsome. “Guilty.” 

“I’ve never heard of you.” It wasn’t what Harry meant to say, but it was what came out anyway. 

Hulkling winced. “Yeah…” It was all he said on the topic before deferring to the other boy, who was now standing almost directly in front of Harry’s father, a blue electricity dancing between his fingertips. “You sure about this, B-Wiccan?” 

Wiccan cracked his neck before nodding. “What do you want to know?” He directed the question to Harry. 

It was MJ that answered, her hand still strong and steady on Harry’s cheek. “How did he get out?” 

* * *

Harley landed on the rooftop coordinates Peter had sent him less than gracefully. 

He had dreamed of flying the Iron Man armor when he was little, had tried to build his own even when he was particularly desperate at eleven. It had failed spectacularly, but Harley had managed to create a semi-stable AI so he considered it a partial win. He looked around himself - while it was bound to be sunset back in New York it was still midday in California and the sun was shining bright against the metal of the suit. 

“Smooth.” Harley jumped and as he did, the helmet retracted. 

The sudden direct sunlight had him squinting and eyes straining. 

Behind him was a girl, her arms crossed over her chest, a purple leather jacket stretched over her shoulders. She wore purple tinted glasses perched on her nose and her chestnut brown hair in a tight, high ponytail atop her head. She smirked at him, her words playful but her eyes stern. “You must be Hawkeye.” Peter had told him she would be meeting him, coordinating the attack on HYDRA’s base from her eyes above until a member of her team would signal they converge on the building. 

“God,” She threw her head back in relief. “I _love_ Spidey’s friends.” 

Harley huffed a laugh even if the time didn’t feel right for one. “How are things going here?” 

She checked her watch. “They’re going. You’re right on time. Just waiting on Cas to check in.” 

“Cas?” Harley followed her to the edge of the roof, where a bow and quiver of arrows sat waiting for her to return. 

“Stature.” She said as though that explained everything. 

Harley pretended it did. 

“And who is this, better Hawkeye?” Short, quippy, yet tense and dangerous. 

Harley recognized him on sight. 

Deadpool. 

_He’s safe._ Peter had said. _He won’t hurt anyone on our side._ Still, Harley couldn’t help but tense at the swords strapped to his back. 

All of this, Harley thought, to rescue Gwen? 

But no, that wasn’t right. 

Arachne and HYDRA had attacked Peter first. They had attacked countless others and experimented on humans in a way that was outright criminal. His father had… Harley stopped that train of thought before it could get much farther. “Iron… lad?” Hawkeye asked with a wrinkled nose. 

Harley hadn’t thought about it but still he corrected with a hasty, “Iron Man.” 

“You’re certainly better looking than the original Tin Can Man.” Deadpool threw a wrapper over his shoulder and slapped his hands together. “You’re the one that’s been fucking my little Petey-pie.” 

“Jesus Christ, Wade.” Hawkeye snapped with a roll of her eyes. “Now is not the time to try and fight anyone but HYDRA agents.” 

“Fine, fine.” Deadpool held up his hands in what was meant to be a placating gesture but Harley knew that Deadpool could still have him in at least ten different pieces in under ten seconds. “But, after this, we are having a talk Iron Dildo.” 

Harley nodded even though he wasn’t sure what he was agreeing to and opened his mouth to respond. Hawkeye shut them both up with a quick look. “You boys, done?” She kept the humor in her voice still, though. Teasing in a way that Harley understood as tensely gentle. “Stature just pinged in.” 

“You ready for this Iron Kid?” Deadpool sounded sort of soft when he asked it, almost genuinely concerned and Harley remembered what Peter had told him. _Wade’s a good guy. He’s just been dealt a really shitty hand._ Much like Peter had been. Much like all of the heroes of the world. 

Harley nodded stiffly and held out an arm to both the other heroes. “Let’s go blow some shit up.”

* * *

Peter didn’t like being stuck with needles. 

He really did not like waking up to a pounding headache, dulled senses that only happened when he was drugged, and his hands cuffed to a bed rail. He felt woozy from blood loss, exhausted deep into his bones. Moving his head was a chore, but still Peter rolled it to the side. Next to him was Gwen, her eyes boring into him with a painful clarity. 

Her pupils were dilated and her breathing quick and sharp. But alive. 

She was _alive._

Peter let out a long, relieved breath he hadn’t allowed himself before. 

“Peter?” She slurred out before wincing as though the sound of her own voice hurt her to hear. 

His spider-sense pricked at the back of his mind, trying to tell him something that he was too drugged to understand. Peter flexed his fingers and tried, uselessly, to break the metal that clamped his wrists to keep him in place. “Hi Gwen.” He said with a grunt. 

She smiled, eyes full of unshed tears. “Spider-man, huh?” 

Peter stopped moving to look at her, to take in the lines that agony had burned into her face. “I’m so sorry, Gwen.” 

_His fault._

Peter would add it to the list of things that kept him up at night. 

“It’s okay.” Gwen swallowed and shut her eyes before leaning back against her pillows. “You came.” 

Peter wanted to cry. 

The feeling was so incredibly overwhelming because he couldn’t break free. He couldn’t even get her out of this hellhole and to somewhere safe. She had extremis in her system and would probably die but…. 

His eyes shot, quick enough to send a spike of pain through to the top of his head, to his elbow. His suit had been torn there, cut through with something sharp because Peter _knew_ he made his suit more impenetrable than that. His elbow had a mocking blood stain around a bandaid. Blood had been taken messily and…. He strained his ears to listen to Gwen’s heart. 

Strong, steady, and _healthy._ In fact, if Peter looked at her, her shoulder wound had even started to knit itself back together. 

No wonder she was wincing at the noise. 

It _worked._

Peter didn’t have time to be overwhelmed with the implications. Something small shot into something human sized in the middle of room. 

“Oh thank god,” Stature said with audible relief in her voice. “Do you have any idea how many false hallways this place has?” She pressed the button on her helmet so it shot up, her face grinning with an innocence Peter used to have. Cassie rushed to Gwen’s side, her hands gentle on the damaged skin. 

Gwen, for her part, took the rapid growth in stride. “This is fine.” She said with the resignation of someone that had been put through the ringer. “I’m just hallucinating now.” 

“At least I’m a hot hallucination, right?” Cassie smiled kindly and Gwen snorted. “You need any help Spidey?” 

Peter realized with a long sigh that yes, he did need help. 

As long as whatever drug they had given him was still in his system Peter was lacking the strength his body usually had. 

He was tired of being a human science experiment. 

“I got it.” It wasn’t Cassie that said it, but, instead, Arachne. Peter wanted to shove her away but Cassie’s words ground him to a halt. 

“Thanks, Jess.” 

Jess. 

Jessica. 

“You remember?” He asked her lowly as she wrapped a cold hand around the cuff that held him to the bed. Arachne studied his face, took in whatever lack of sympathy Peter had and nodded, once, sharply before shaking her head a moment after. 

“They broke their promise.” 

It made sense to Peter. Arachne worked on orders and facts. She trusted a group of people that told her they wouldn’t do something because they had never knowingly broke a promise before. If they fucked up they would just wipe her memory and start fresh. Peter wasn’t sure if what he felt was sympathy but it was certainly _pity._ Pity for a devil that had nearly killed his aunt and kidnapped his friend. Pity. She didn’t like seeing it on his face but Peter didn’t care. 

He hoped it stung her the same way throwing May off that roof hurt him. Pity didn’t mean forgiveness. 

Peter sat up, ignoring the way his stomach rolled in protest and the sharp sting behind his eyes. “You good to get out of here, Gwen?” 

She looked at him, her eyes bearing into his and nodded, once. “This better not be a fucked up dream, Parker.” 

“I called in the others.” Cassie assured, snapping her helmet back into place. “Let’s blow this popsicle stand.” 

* * *

Wade let go before Harley was ready, unsheathing blades from his back as he fell atop a unsuspecting agent. Hawkeye at least waited until Harley had unsteadily landed the suit before firing off three arrows in quick succession. One struck a man in the throat, another a woman in her stomach, and the third an electrical outlet that plunged the room into darkness. 

The screen adjusted instantly and adrenaline surged through Harley’s veins. 

He had never been in a real fight before, not outside of alleys and never with repulsers that answered to his every control. In fact, Harley wasn’t exactly sure how to control the Iron Man suit at all and instantly regretted not making Tony give him a crash course in controlling the mechanics. 

_Incoming call from Boss, Mister Keener._ Friday spoke through the mask and Harley jumped at the sudden intrusion. She had been awfully silent through the entire flight over and Harley had almost forgotten she was there at all. “Uh… put him through?” Harley didn’t really want to talk to him, but Tony could maybe at least tell him how to shoot people. 

As it was, bullets were raining down on the suit, clanging off and falling to the ground at his feet. “Tell me you’ve found him.” It was the first thing Tony said because Tony, while he cared for Harley, cared a lot more about Peter. 

Harley didn’t blame him. 

“Not yet, old man.” Harley gave up on trying to fire anything and, instead, punched an agent with one metal covered fist. “Want to give me a crash course in your suit?” 

“Stop _punching_ people with it.” 

“Now is not the time.” 

“Who are you with?” 

“A bunch of Hydra agents, Tony who do you think?” Harley snapped, grabbed a gun out of thugs hand, and threw it like a boomerang at another agent. They both looked shocked before two arrows knocked them down. 

“Are those _arrows_?” 

“If you’re not going to help I will hang up on you.” 

Tony grumbled before complying. “Fine okay. Your power’s at 100%. The repulsors work by taking excess electrons and turn them into muons, which have ability to penetrate deep into atomic matter-.” 

“No shit, Stank. How do I make them _fire?_ ” 

“Open your palm up, _now_.” 

A beam like fire shot out, unstable and definitely untrained. “Whoa.” Harley couldn’t help laughing. 

“Cool right?” Tony said in his ear. 

“ _So_ cool.” Harley shook himself. “But not the time. Thank you, that is all.” 

“Don’t you dare hang up on me Keener.” 

“Bye Tony!” 

“Harley don’t-!” 

It was incredibly satisfying to tell Friday to cut the call and have her listen with an almost amused _Yes, Mister Keener._

Hawkeye was in hand to hand combat now, her kicks higher than Harley would have expected and her bow working as a counter weight for her hands. Deadpool had disappeared off to wherever and that left the hallway clear for Harley to take. 

Halfway down he saw them, Gwen supported on Peter’s shoulder, the red and blue of the Spider-man suit wrapped around her bare waist. She had seen much better days and so had Peter for that matter. Harley’s heart felt full enough to burst, and he let out a triumphant whoop that echoed in the hall. Gwen’s head shot up fast, and Peter’s lips twitched in a small smile. “Hey cowboy.” 

“Do you feel like this everyday?” Harley asked Peter, referring to the excited adrenaline that was boiling up his spine. 

“It gets old.” And it must, because Peter looked exhausted from carrying the weight of the world. 

No matter, Harley wouldn’t let him carry that weight alone any more. 

“Get her out of here,” Peter pushed Gwen into Harley’s metal covered arms, and she clung to him like he was the only thing keeping her steady. “I’ll take care of this.” 

_No._

No he wasn’t doing this alone. 

But, Harley agreed that Gwen did have to get out of there. More agents were piling into the entryway that Hawkeye was currently holding, and soon they would be overwhelmed. “Peter.” Harley cautioned and watched as his boyfriend took a deep, steadying breath and forced a horribly fake smile on his face. 

“Get out of here, Harls.” 

No, he wanted to yell. Not without you. 

“Together or not at all.” Harley reminded stubbornly, Gwen shaking like a leaf in his arms. 

“Perhaps I can help?” A girl appeared out of nowhere and Harley yelped. 

Her helmet retracted, showing a youthful face framed by dark hair. She smiled. “Speed!” 

A gust of wind and a streak of green and white. Gwen yelped when it solidified into a boy with stark white hair, her fist shooting out to punch him square in the nose. If he hadn’t ducked with a blur it would have connected but, instead, her knuckles banged into the concrete walls, half her arm following it into the large hole she had just created. Eyes wide, the other boy stood slowly and Harley put his hands out to show it wasn’t him that had done it. 

He looked at Peter, imploring behind a mask for answers. The other two followed suit. 

Peter shrugged. “Funny story?” 

“Okay,” The white haired boy, Speed, said slowly. “Let’s uh, get you outta here, Princess? Please don’t punch me?” 

“You can trust him, Gwen.” Peter insisted. “He’s just going to get you out.” 

“And come back for you, right?” She asked after a moment of consideration. 

“We don’t have time for this!” Hawkeye yelled from the doorway, ducking out of the way as an agent threw a punch at her. “Speed, get her out of here! And then get your brother, I have no idea what’s taking him so long.” 

“I’m not his keeper woman!” 

“ _Speed!”_

“Yes, ma’am.” He scooped Gwen up with quick precision and disappeared in a split second. 

“You two, either join the fight or get the hell out of here.” 

“Yes ma’am.” Harley mocked and Hawkeye rolled her eyes. 

“You have the _worst_ friends, Spidey.” 

“Thanks,” Peter quipped, a little bit of humor leaking back into his words. “I’ll keep him.” 

The ensuing fight was exhausting, but fighting with the Iron Man suit was exhilarating. And fighting next to Peter was… well something else entirely. He moved with a fluidity that Harley hadn’t expected. Quick and agile even without webs to aid him. Harley had felt the strength Peter hid inside himself before, but even that was just barely. Seeing it was something else entirely and, now, with Gwen safe Harley could take a moment to acknowledge how completely attractive it was. He watched Peter grab onto the door sill and swing kick someone through to the opposite wall with a thick swallow. 

Oh, if they were going to be doing this together Harley was so screwed. 

His repulsor didn’t fire. 

Harley blinked at the 0% power that Friday displayed in front of his face. “Shit.” 

“Harley?” Peter turned quick. His face was bleeding, a cut on the middle of his nose.

“Uh…” Harley shook his hand uselessly. 

Maybe shouldn’t have hung up on Tony then. 

Harley ducked a string of fire. “Where are all these guys coming from?!” He asked in frustration. 

“Tunnels.” Harley felt a hand push him firmly in the middle of his back until he fell into Peter’s arms. 

“ _Jessica._ ” Arachne. 

Harley stood back up, quick, and turned, half ready to punch. 

“Go,” She said with determination in her face. “I’ll take care of this.” 

Harley didn’t trust her but it seemed Peter did, because he closed a hand on Harley’s arm and _pulled_ until he followed. “Why are we trusting her?” 

“We’re not.” Peter pushed Harley into a room. “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” 

“They _made_ her.” 

Peter fixed him with an entirely unimpressed look and rubbed at his bruised cheek. “Not now, Harls.” 

“Someone call for a portal?” Harley was getting really sick of people popping out of nowhere, but he had no time to voice his opinion before Peter was planting a hand, firm and strong on his back and _pushing_ until Harley fell through swirling black, Peter following quickly after. 

"About time, Wiccan!" He heard Hawkeye shout as the swirling black faded around him, the same green streak flying through the opposite direction, and two other pairs of feet stepping over where he and Peter lay. 

"Oh, I'm so sorry I was busy interrogating a psychopath and took too long, Hawk!" 

Harley blinked and they were gone and replaced by broken glass, the New York City skyline, a bruised and startled Harry Osborn, and a wide eyed MJ. Glued to the wall with dripping black tendrils was what Harley thought was the Green Goblin, in MJ's arms was a trembling Gwen, and on the floor by Harry's feet was a slimy _moving_ black sludge. Peter rolled off his back with a loud groan. "So... what happened here?" 

**Two Days Later**

**_Clusterfuck_ **

  
**Gwen:** i lived bitch


	22. Catch Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to exclusively to Soft Place to Land by Delta Rae while writing this so.... enjoy?

Harley woke with Peter's nose pressed into the back of his neck. He blinked at the pale wall opposite him, took in the mess from the night before silently. To have such peace after such a frantic day felt almost like a curse. 

Just the day before Harley had let the Iron Man suit retract back into the nanowatch the moment they had sat down on Harry's wrecked couch. He had shrugged out of his sweatshirt and handed it to a quickly going into shock Gwen. He had been torn between taking her into his arms or sweeping Peter up into his arms. Harley's joy was irrational. 

Peter had decided for him, though, turning sharply to Harry and pushing his friend back hard enough he had sprawled back against the floor. MJ had grabbed Peter's wrist even though he didn't move to do anything else. Peter had hissed something Harley didn't hear and Harry had answered just as sharply with a  _ you don't know.  _

Things had fallen into a lull then, MJ falling across from Harley after passing him a blanket for Gwen, Harry following Peter into the corner of the room. Harley had watched Harry coax the black, breathing goo into the palm of his hand. Had watched the way Peter tensed, the way his shoulders dropped from the weight of just one more thing. 

Harley wanted to go to him but Gwen also needed something soft and safe. Instead he just watched as Peter and Harry held a soft argument of facial expressions and waving of hands that ended with Harry pulling the shorter into a rough, tight hug that lasted for longer that a hug that was meant as anything but comfort would last. 

The Avengers converged on their location, tipped off by the tracker in the Iron Man suit. Tony barged in first, letting the others brush by him while he stood in the doorway and  _ stared _ . The Black Widow had pulled Gwen out of Harley's arms to guide her to a kind doctor. Sam Wilson shook his head at all of them and stood with his arms crossed in front of the Goblin. Barnes glanced at Peter, got a stiff nod that he returned with one of his own before leaving the apartment. "Where did you go?" Hawkeye asked Harley cautiously. 

"Oh you know…" Harley shrugged through the strain in his shoulders. "Went for a quick test drive." 

Tony's eyes shot to him then, tense and  _ angry _ before going back to Peter, still clinging tight to Harry like his friend was the only thing keeping him upright. Harley watched as Tony stepped forward and Harry shifted, pushing Peter just a little bit out of his way. 

Harley stood, then, even if his legs shook. 

Unlinking the Iron Man watch had felt like giving up a part of himself, still he tossed it in Tony's general direction. "Thanks." He pretended he didn't see the hurt look in Tony's eyes when Harry passed Peter to him. 

_ Tired.  _

Peter looked exhausted. 

How long had it been since he had slept? Harley wasn't sure what had happened at the HYDRA base but he was ninety percent sure that things hadn't gone exactly as planned. "You want to go home?" Harley asked lowly, pointedly ignoring the  _ he has to get checked out _ from Tony when Peter nodded. 

"Where's… that… thing?" Sam asked, waving at the black sludge that held the Goblin tight to the wall. 

Harry's fist clenched and Harley noticed, now, that the thing he had picked up was gone. He didn't think it was a good thing, from the way Peter sighed and shook his head. "No idea." 

And that, well, aside from a cab ride, was it. They had fallen into bed wrapped around one another and Harley had woken up with a nose pressed against the back of his neck and Peter's breath puffed out against his skin. 

He turned and saw that Peter was awake, brown eyes rimmed with dark circles and teeth gnawing at his bottom lip. 

But when he smiled it was a real one, full and small and better than a clear sky. "Hey cowboy." 

"Hey there, darlin'." 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** i could sleep 4 10 days and still be ok

**MJ:** I could punch you ten times and still be okay. 

**Harry** : ow

**Pete:** smh

**Pete** : disaster 

**Harls:** i think our lord and savior 

**Harls:** spider parker

**Harls** : deserves the most sleep 

**MJ:** Why is he even up? 

**Harry:** yeh pete y u up

**Pete** : because of your dumbass

**Harls** : welp

**Harls** : this has been fun

**Harls** : nothing awkward here at all

**MJ:** go to sleep Peter

**Harry** : go to sleep pete

**Pete** : smh

**Harls** : he fell asleep

**Harls** : i mean

**Harls** : i'm stuck as a pillow but he's asleep

**Harls** : @Ned 

**Harls:** how's gwen????

**Ned** : I mean

**Ned** : Not good? 

**Ned** : But alive?

**Ned** : Her parents are here now and like we're telling them the b a r e minimum 

**Ned** : And she's all healed which is w e i r d

**Ned** : but won't tell anyone but me what caused that

**Harry** : we miss u gwen

**MJ:** We really do, baby girl. 

**Ned** : [Holding hands](https://pin.it/2m77ZHb)

**Ned** : I refuse to go anywhere but this chair until they release her. 

**Harry** : u r the purest soul

**Harls** : give her my love 

**Harls** : what even happened at your apartment, Harry? 

**Harry** : oof

**Harry** : long story

**MJ:** he's literally got Peter's dead weight on him

**MJ:** he's not going anywhere

**Harls** : give me a reason to keep ignoring the phone calls of Tony Stank right now please

**MJ:** they all deserve to know 

**Harry** : my dad's the green goblin

**Ned** : We Been Knew

**Harry** : smh ned

**Ned:** 🤷‍♂️

**Harry** : he got out of jail 

**Harry:** and showed up at my aprt

**Harry:** and like

**Harry:** shit happened

**Ned:** Like what

**Ned** : Are you okay? 

**Ned** : should you also be in the med wing? 

**MJ:** probably

**Harry** : no im fine

**MJ:** Harry has also not slept

**Harls** : i see 

**Harls** : i honestly still don't understand half of this 

**Harls:** wth was the black living turd 

**MJ:** w o w 

**MJ:** A+ description 

**Harry** : 😕

**Harry** : did pete

**Harls** : i do have eyes 

**Harry** : so like

**Harry:** we were freshmen 

**Harry:** and my dad was losing his mind more than usual

**Harry** : and thought

**Harry** : let's kidnap spiderman!

**Harls** : why 

**Harls** : why do so many people want to kidnap peter

**MJ:** Harry

**MJ:** if this is too hard you don't have to tell the story

**MJ:** bare bones it

**Harls** : yeah man 

**Harls** : i don't need anything uncomfortable 

**Ned** : ^^^^

**Harry** : bare bones? 

**Harry** : crazy scientist takes dna from spiderman and mixes it with dna from an alien thing 

**Harry** : maybe?

**Harry** : i dont know where venom comes from tbh

**Harry** : but dad yeeted me out a window and venom saved me

**Harry** : then i gave him up

**Harry** : well

**Harry** : i

**MJ:** He told Peter he got rid of all of Venom but kept some for himself just in case. Goblin almost killed him so Harry released Venom. 

**Ned** : VENOM?!

**Ned** : THE VENOM

**Ned:** LIKE BAD GUY VENOM

**Harry** : i mean 

**Harry:** he's not evil

**Ned** : dude he eats people

**MJ:** ANYWAY 

**Harls** : no wait 

**Harls** : EATS PEOPLE?! 

**Harls** : double wait

**Harls** : ALMOST KILLED HIM?! 

**Harls:** triple wait

 **Harls:** YEETED OUT A WINDOW?!

**MJ:** Spider-Man shows up, only it's not him? It's this shapeshifter dude named Hulkling?

**Harry** : yeh im still not sure on that

**MJ:** And this other dude named Wiccan 

**Ned:** YOU MET THE YOUNG AVENGERS?! 

**Harls** : oh hey! 

**Harls** : i met some of them

**Ned** : WHAT

**Harls** : lmao yeah

**Harls** : Hawkeye could shoot me to death and I'd thank her

**Ned:** YOU MET HAWKEYE?! 

**Harry** : so thats what happened at the apartment 

**Harry** : what happened to gwen

**Ned:** I would also like to know. 

**Harls** : i mean 

**Harls** : i dont really know

**Harls** : i think that's between her and pete right now

**Ned** : I mean I know the basics

**Harls** : i'm not saying anything that Pete doesn't want known so

**Harls** : my lips are sealed 

**_Peter Parker Parental Pack_ **

**Tony:** Please tell me Peter is safe.

**May** : Of course he is. 

**May:** I know how to protect my boy. 

**Murdock** : Tell him my head still hurts. 

**Tony** : You let him knock you out. 

**Murdock** : You left him and thought he'd listen. 

**May** : I think the real problem here is that two grown men are refusing to accept that a twenty three year old just handled something in one day better than they did in two months. 

**Tony** : May. He shouldn't have gone. 

**May:** Enough! 

**May** : This is MY son you're talking about. He has sacrificed everything for everyone else. He told you not to keep him out of the loop and you did. I told you it wasn't going to be pretty and you didn't listen. 

**May** : Peter hasn't slept one full night knowing this Arachne woman was still out there. She took his friend and you're angry because he didn't listen when you told your best asset to sit on his ass and let the adults handle it. 

**May** : He IS an adult Tony. 

**May** : He is MY adult boy. 

**May** : And I am so incredibly proud of him. 

**May** : Everyone got out alive because HE made the right calls. Maybe reevaluate how you look at these ADULTS and learn to take a step back and admit you don't know everything. 

**May** : Meanwhile, you all but turned your back on the Green Goblin and one of Peter's friends almost died. You even LIKE him Tony. Peter handled that too. A GROUP OF KIDS handled that. 

**May** : reevaluate and take a step back. This is MY kid. These are MY kids. 

**May** : And they did their damn best. 

**Murdock** : You're not wrong, May. 

**_M a y_ **

**May:** How are you holding up, Harry? 

**Harry** : o

**Harry:** uhm 

**Harry** : im okay

**May:** Okay. If you say so. 

**May** : You are not what your father has done to you, though, Harry. And Peter only worries because he cares. 

**Harry** : i know may

**May:** You're welcome to stay here if you need it. 

**Harry** : im staying with MJ but 

**Harry:** ❤

**May** : ❤

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry** : may parker is the god we all deserve 

**Harls** : followed closely by peter parker

**MJ:** ew

**Harls** : that a s s 

**Ned** : lmao

**Ned** : are you still a pillow @harls? 

**Harls:** yes

**Harls** : it is the best thing i have ever been

**MJ:** WAIT 

**MJ:** @harls

**MJ:** you were wearing the Iron Man suit?

**Harry:** yeh that! 

**Ned** : WHY DO I MISS EVERYTHING

**Harls** : yeah lmao

**Harls:** harry wanna start a

**Harls** : my dad's an evil asshole club 

**Harry** : fuck yes

**Ned** : THIS EXPLAINS NOTHING 

**Harry** : stop screaming youll wake gwen

**Harls** : MY DAD IS A BIG LYING EVIL SPY JERK 

**Harry** : STOP SCREAMING YOULL WAKE PETER

**Ned:** -whispering- how was the iron man suit? 

**Harls** : omg

**Harls** : o t h e r w o r l d l y

**Harls** : and like stupidly complicated 

**Harls:** and fuck if tony doesn't make me one

**Harls** : i will just make my own

**MJ:** Yesterday was just one long clusterfuck wasn't it? 

**Harls** : i mean we all survived 

**Harls** : which i think is a big plus

**Harls** : and only like one building blew up

**MJ:** Priorities  **🤷‍♀**

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry** : dont hate me pls

**Harry** : i didnt know what else to do

**Harry** : and venoms sorry too

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls** : [Pretend this is on a couch. I m a g i n a t i o n ](https://pin.it/3Xsccy7)

**Harls** : May told me to send it

**MJ:** thank

**Harry** : words cant say how happy i am hes okay

**MJ:** Harry's cried a total of ten times today 

**MJ:** I have to get this boy to bed. 

**Harls:** go to bed harry

**Ned:** go to bed Harry

**Gwen** : Go to bed Harry

**MJ:** GWEN!

**Gwen** : 😘 

**_The Roomies_ **

**Pete** : I don't hate you 

**Pete:** You're just

**Pete** : such a fucking idiot

**Pete** : That goes to both you and Venom btw

**Pete** : you're both fucking idiots

When Peter woke up it was to low afternoon sun, a book resting atop his head, and the strong overwhelming urge to never move again. "Hey." It was May that noticed he was awake first, kneeling down so she was in his line of sight and smiling that small sad smile she used to send him after Ben. 

"Hi." It hurt to talk, not in his voice but in his chest. Like talking made everything that much more real. 

May's hand smoothed back his hair and she pressed a long, lingering kiss to his forehead. "You feeling any better, baby?" 

Peter shrugged, uselessly, and hugged his arms tighter around Harley's waist. 

Harley's waist. 

He looked up and huffed a snort at Harley's sleeping face. "He fell asleep an hour ago." May supplied and moved the book from Peter's head and placed it on the coffee table. "He's going to be sore tomorrow." 

Harley wasn't sleeping. Peter's lips twitched. 

"I'm already so sore." Harley groaned, peaking out of slits of his eyes to smile down at Peter. "Oh hey there." He poked Peter in the cheek. 

"Hi." 

May laughed softly. "I'm going to go order food. Any requests?" 

Harley deferred to Peter happily, wincing as he sat up and tweaked his back. "No. Thanks May." Peter spoke softly. 

She left them alone and Peter felt Harley's eyes on him while he stood to stretch, a yawn pulling at the corners of his mouth. He wanted to keep sleeping, but he also knew he had to stay awake at least long enough to get something in his stomach. "Sorry for sleeping on you." 

Harley waved off the apology impatiently. "I am happily a pillow." He pressed a lingering kiss to the skin under Peter's eye and then one to the healing cut on his nose. "You okay, babe?" It was a soft question, kept in the air between their lips and a secret to anyone but them. 

Peter thought about it. 

Thought about the day previous and how everything turned out. Objectively, this had been one of his better executed missions. Everyone he had cared about survived with only minor physical injuries. "Yeah." He breathed the word out like a prayer against Harley's lips and thought, maybe, it would be true this time. 


	23. You're Welcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now back to your regularly scheduled mess

**Three weeks later**

Gwen hit the ground hard, her back bouncing against the padded floor. She groaned - her back ached, her body felt run ragged, and her skin itched under the blindfold Peter insisted she wear during training. Usually, if Gwen was working on technique, she was paired with Harley. If she was working on strength Peter had her with Bucky. And if she was working with her senses and enhancements then she was stuck with the only other person that could help her train them. 

Gwen _hated_ training with Peter. 

With technique, Harley and her were pretty much in the same wheelhouse. Gwen didn't feel out of her element with him, and she actively spent most of her time pulling her punches so as not to cause him any harm. She knew that training with her was probably the one time Harley trained without the Iron Man armor handy, so she tried to keep things interesting for him. Tony Stark and Peter both led those sessions, and, usually, it was Tony that commented while Peter stood with arms crossed against the back wall. Peter spent a good amount of time rolling his eyes at whatever pointers Tony tried to give her. _Pay attention to your own trainee, I can handle Gwen._

Awkward. 

Things between Tony and Peter were still painfully strained and had been that way ever since an argument Gwen wasn't supposed to hear that ended in a _I'm not an Avenger, Tony. What I do as Spider-Man doesn't need your permission._

Training with Bucky was fine, even fun sometimes. He was a good teacher and Gwen didn't have to hold back much when fighting against a supersoldier. Those sessions were monitored by Natasha Romanov. She never said much to Gwen, but spoke to Bucky in Russian whenever he did something she didn't approve of. 

Training with Peter was the _worst._ It felt like fighting against a future, more well prepared version of herself. He was _ruthless_. He knew every move she was going to make before she was going to make it. He knew every trick she had up her sleeve, every enhancement she had, and exactly how to use it to her embarrassing disadvantage. 

Plus, he made her train blindfolded. 

Logically, Gwen understood why. Due to the blood transfusion HYDRA had stabilized the extremis in her system. And with Spider-Man's blood pumping through her veins and mixing with the extremis she now had the same enhancements as him. He had ten years of experience on her, which meant he also knew the best ways to train her newfound senses. 

Which led to the blindfold. 

Gwen's least favorite enchancement she now had was what Peter helpfully dubbed the _Spidey-sense._ "For me," Peter had explained. "It feels a lot like anxiety. Always there and always buzzing." At Gwen's completely dumbfounded look he explained some more. "You know how cars now have sensors that tell you when someone's in your blindspot?" Gwen nodded. "And they also have an automatic braking system, right? If you get too close to another car they slam on the brakes for you. If you swerve into another lane the car beeps to tell you and jerks you back into your lane. If you put on cruise control it essentially drives for you and makes educated decisions before you even know there's a problem. These senses work a lot like that." 

Apparently, the best way Peter had ever learned to harness those was to train blindfolded. _You have no choice but to trust what it's telling you_ , he had told her with a sheepish shrug. Gwen went along begrudgingly. 

So far, all it had gotten her, as a bruised tailbone. 

"Please don't break my girlfriend." Ned said from his spot on the training benches just as Gwen was pushing up the blindfold to blink miserably up at Peter. 

It was hard to reconcile Peter Parker and Spider-Man. Peter was unfailingly kind and smart. Jittery and handsome and sent her best friend stupid jokes between flirty texts. Spider-Man was strong, and quippy. Strategic and sarcastic and protective. When he was training Peter was strikingly both. 

He gripped her forearm and pulled her back up. "You're getting better." He reassured even though that rueful smile told Gwen he knew she didn't think she was. "How's sleeping been?" He asked softer, effectively ending the training session. 

"I'm lucky if I get a few hours." She admitted. Between nightmares and the noisy world Gwen couldn't really sleep without an anchor and, unfortunately, her father wouldn't let her anchor stay the night. She glanced at Ned, who smiled and waved happily, and smiled back. "Only when Ned's there." 

Peter hummed and wisely kept his opinion to himself. "It gets easier." He said after a moment. 

Gwen didn't look away from Ned, even as he turned back to his laptop. She could hear him breathing without trying and, if she focused, it was all she could hear. "I know." 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls** : i think everytime i log into school i have to remind myself that this is the Last Semester and i should probably care more than i actually do

 **MJ:** ^^^^ 

**MJ:** t h i s

 **Gwen** : lmao 

**Gwen:** i still have another yr

 **Gwen:** since dad doesnt think its a good idea to go so soon after 

**Harls:** i mean 

**Harls** : he has a point

 **Gwen** : im fine

 **Harry** : is lying about being fine a spider thing

 **Harls:** lol must be

 **Pete** : 🖕🖕🖕🖕

 **Ned** : Yeah you tell them Pete

 **Pete** : 😪

**Harry** : i tried to eat a cookie today

 **Harry:** and venom straight up threw it in the garbage disposal 

**Ned** : RIP cookie

 **Pete:** Was it not human enough for him? 

**Ned** : Damn Pete

 **Harls** : he's so fucking proud of himself 

**Harls** : cute nerd 

**Harry** : i am 

**Harry** : o f f e n d e d 

**Harry** : in so many diff ways today

 **Pete** : sucks to suck 

**Pete** : Maybe don't let a parasite live in you next time, idk.

 **Harls** : oof pete

 **Ned** : This is b r u t a l 

**Harry** : 😭😭😭😭

 **Pete** : 🙃🙃🙃🙃

**Harls** : peter: just graduate early

 **Harls** : me: babe that's not… 

**Pete:** 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️ 

**Ned** : Sometimes I forget how smart Peter is but then he solves a really complicated physics question in his head and I'm just like 😯

**Gwen** : any1 know y harry is lying on the floor groaning

 **Pete:** Puberty. 

**Harls** : im a little tired

 **Harls** : also i might be a pimp

 **Pete** : Our gang is called the Broken Glass Kids. We'll cut you. 

**Ned** : 😯😯😯😯

 **Harls** : hey jennifer slowpez! 

**Harls** : get out of the way! 

**Pete:** Here's a bunch of numbers, they may look random but they're my phone number

 **Harls** : do you think horses get songs stuck in their heads

 **Pete** : I've eaten nine birthday cakes and I still feel empty

 **Harry** : y r u still doing this

 **Harls** : camera take the days off! I've added ten pounds to myself! 

**Pete** : You're my family and I love you but you're terrible. You're all terrible. 

**Harry:** pls stop

 **Ned** : that hurts Pete

 **MJ:** I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.

 **Pete** : YES MJ! 

**Harls** : q u e e n 

**Pete** : I just watched Harry try to eat a piece of cake

 **Pete** : and Venom just wooshed it away

 **Pete** : and into Tony's face

 **Pete** : and I am d y i n g 

**Gwen:** pete hel

 **Pete:**?! 

**Ned:** she's stuck to the refrigerator again 

**Harls** : lmao

 **Ned** : just opened it and smacked herself in the face trying to walk away

 **Harls** : jfc bench

 **Gwen** : 😭😭😭😭😭😭

 **Pete** : rjfifojdix

 **Pete** : been there

 **Pete** : on my way

**MJ:** I just watched a reporter ask Peter about his company

 **MJ:** And enjoyed seeing every single emotion pass across his face

 **MJ:** From

 **MJ:** I can't believe this is my life

 **MJ:** To I will punch you

 **MJ:** To I will jump over this balcony to end this conversation

 **MJ:** it was beautiful

 **Pete** : can confirm

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls** : [Tony's Car](https://pin.it/3j93v0H)

 **Harls** : im gonna steal it

 **Pete** : do it

 **Pete:** you won't 

**Harls** : b e t 

**Pete:** IT'S ALMOST YOUR BIRTHDAY 

**Harls:** SHUT YOUR HOT MOUTH

 **Pete** : YOU'RE ALMOST 24

 **Harls** : I AM NEVER AGING 

**Pete:** YOU'RE O L D 

**Harls** : 😭😭😭😭

**Harls:** i took Abby to ice cream while she looked at colleges and 

**Harls** : [Ice cream](https://pin.it/37g2c2a)

**Pete** : pls bring me ice cream

 **Pete:** If I have to listen to one more old man tell me he knows how to do my job better than me 

**Pete** : and that's why I should hire him

 **Pete** : I might just burn this building down

 **Harls** : pls dont

 **Harls** : that would be hell on the insurance 

**Pete** : I know how to make it look like an accident 

**Harls** : Peter no

 **Harls** : aren't you supposed to be interviewing people

 **Pete:** I am

 **Pete:** This guy is just a dumbass and keeps directing his answers at Happy and not me

 **Harls:** you RUN the company

 **Pete** : lmao yeh

 **Pete** : he's not getting the job

**Harls** : are you still fighting with harry

 **Pete** : 😒😒😒😒

 **Pete** : I want to punch his stupid face 

**Harls** : pete

 **Pete** : I know

 **Pete** : and I get that I literally do not control him

 **Pete:** but Venom

 **Harls** : I know

 **Harls** : Harry made his decision 

**Pete** : and I'm trying really hard to respect his decision 

**Pete** : since like

 **Pete** : no one else does

 **Pete** : But he's also like

 **Harls** : if he doesn't want your protection in this you can't force it

 **Pete:** He asked me to help him train with Venom 

**Pete** : and I 

**Pete** : I don't think I can do that 

**Harls** : so don't 

**Harls** : but don't cut him out 

**Harls** : don't freeze him out

 **Harls** : he's still your best friend

 **Harls** : he's still Harry

 **Pete** : You're right 

**Pete** : I just

 **Pete** : ugh

 **Pete** : I just want to be selfish 

**Harls** : i know babe

**Pete** : May wants Thai so I'm grabbing some on the way back to the aprt

 **Harls** : y e s 

**Harls:** Abby's never had it

 **Harls** : she's not excited

 **Harls** : but should be

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete** : [Simon](https://pin.it/5uYyPqz)

 **Gwen** : i miss simon

 **Harry** : i miss may

 **Pete:** [May](https://pin.it/5NGKUfv)

 **Harry** : m a y 

**Ned** : MAAAAAAY

 **MJ:** May! 

**Harls** : [Peter](https://pin.it/738JpCX)

 **Harls** : i could stare at this face all day

 **Harls** : and never get bored 

**Harry** : get ur thirsting 

**Harry** : off my phone

 **Pete** : n e v e r 

**Ned** : Gwen is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen

 **Ned** : [Gwen](https://pin.it/1Nr5cdC)

 **MJ:** facts 

**Pete** : M a y 

**Harry** : i raise u 

**Harry:** one michelle jones

 **MJ:** We can all rule together 

**Pete** : M a t t 

**Pete** : [Matt](https://pin.it/5Vd8Owh)

 **Harls** : ngh 

**MJ:** [Peter](https://pin.it/2zG08X5)

 **Harls:** NGH 

**Harry** : i just heard him grunt that

 **Harry:** it was disturbing

 **Harry** : @pete come get ur man

 **Pete** : I can't right now

 **Pete** : I'm busy beating up a blind man

 **Gwen:** wait @harls

 **Gwen:** taken at the stark pool

 **Gwen** : [Flip](https://pin.it/4TXx3Nn)

 **Harls** : NGHHHHH 

**Harry** : o man

 **Ned** : lol he dead 

**Harls:** we went over to the Stank's for family dinner 

**MJ:** S t a n k 

**Harls** : and Abby came 

**Harls** : and introduced Morgan to country

 **Harls** : and Tony just looked so sad 

**Harls** : when Morgan started singing Kacey Musgraves at the table

 **Harry** : SAVE A HORSE

 **MJ:** RIDE A HARLEY 

**Harry** : 😉 😉 😉 😉 

**Pete:** f u c k y o u 

**Gwen:** ned: like the bike? 

**Ned** : Why are you exposing me like this? 

**Pete** : us spiders stick together 

**Gwen** : ^^^^

 **Gwen** : 🕷 

**Harls** : 😂😂😂😂

 **Harls** : Peter just shuddered 

**Harry** : this just in: 

**Harry:** spiderman hates spiders 

**Pete** : smh

 **Pete** : SO WOULD YOU IF ONE BIT YOU AND NOW YOUR RADIOACTIVE 

**Gwen** : i want to go camping 

**MJ:** YES 

**Harry:** u mean

 **Harry:** g l a m p i n g 

**Ned** : Video games in the woods 

**Pete** : I'm taking Harley upstate for his birthday 

**Gwen** : CAN I CRASH YOUR BANG FEST 

**Harls** : N O 

**Gwen** : PLEASE HARLEY

 **Harls** : N O N O N O N O N O N O 

**Gwen** : [Harley](https://pin.it/5TUV2oy)

 **Gwen:** he looks at exclusively 2 pple like this

 **Gwen** : 1 = abby 

**Gwen:** 2 = @pete

 **Pete** : 😭😭😭😭

 **Harls** : what can i say? 

**Harry** : except you're welcome 

**Ned** : for the tides 

**Harry** : the sun

 **Ned** : the sky

 **Harry** : hey it's okay it's okay

 **Ned** : you're welcome!

 **Harry** : im just an ordinary demi guy! 

**Ned** : hey! 

**Harry** : what has 2 thumbs that pulled up the sky

 **Ned** : when you were waddling yeh high

 **Harry** : this guy! 

**Ned** : when the nights got cold who stole you fire from down below 

**Harry:** youre lookin at him yo

 **Ned** : oh also I lassoed the sun

 **Harry** : you're welcome! 

**Pete** : HARRY WE ARE IN A MEETING I WILL THROW YOUR PHONE OUT THIS WINDOW 

**Harry** : OH U MEAN ITS NOT FUN WHEN PEOPLE HIJACK UR CONVO 

**Harry** : AND SPAM U W QUOTES 

**Harry** : ITS NOT FUN IS IT PETER

 **Harry** : IS ITJDJXHUFKFN

**MJ:** I think Peter really did it

 **Harls** : lmao 

**Harls** : @harry you're an idiot 

**Gwen** : now i have ur welcome stuck in my head 

**Gwen** : 🙃

 **Ned** : Wanna watch Moana?! 

**Gwen** : ofc! 


	24. Camping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING ALL there be smut here. I don't go too far into detail but if it makes you uncomfortable skip the second narrative part. 
> 
> This chapter is brought to you by "Peace" by OAR.
> 
> "I want love, I want trust, I want you, I want me, I want peace."

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Ned:** Having a superpowered girlfriend is cool and all

 **Ned:** And then you ask her to pass the milk and she squeezes the jug so hard it explodes

 **Pete** : oof 

**Gwen** : this is abuse

 **Ned** : and then tries to clean it up

 **Ned** : But just RIPS the towel bar off the wall 

**Gwen** : 😪😪😪😪

 **Harry** : one time 

**Harls** : at band camp

 **Pete** : at band camp

 **Ned** : at band camp

 **Gwen** : god i missed u guys

 **Gwen** : at band camp

 **MJ:** at band camp

 **Harry** : smh 

**Harry** : one time

 **Pete** : at band camp

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE 

**Harry** : TIME 

**Pete** : AT 

**Pete:** BAND

 **Pete** : CAMP

**Harry** : THIS 

**Harry** : THIS IS ABUSE

 **Pete** : 😇

**Ned** : ignoring that this is the most normal interaction between Pete and Harry in a long time

 **MJ:** ^^^^

 **Ned** : What were you trying to say, @Harry? 

**Harry** : o rite

 **Harry** : one time 

**Harry** : DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE PARKER 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

 **Harry:** u little 

**Harls** : JUST TELL YOUR FUCKING STORY HARRY 

**Harry** : CONTROL UR BOYFRIEND 

**Harls** : lol no

 **MJ:** Can anyone ever really control Peter? 

**Pete** : No. 

**Pete:** I am an uncontrollable t e r r o r

 **Harls** : lmao sure babe

 **Harry** : u r like a little puppy

 **Harry** : all bark and no bite 

**Pete:** Harold Osborn I will kill you. 

**Harry** : ud miss me 

**Pete** : Debatable. 

**Harry** : ouch. 

**Harls** : yikes this took a turn

 **Ned** : I see we're back at awkward. 

**Gwen** : i dont see wat the big deal is tbh

 **MJ:** Gwen just… don't get involved. 

**Gwen** : 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

 **Harls** : 😕

**Harry** : anyway 

**Harry** : as i was saying

 **Harry** : one time 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

 **Harry** : jfc parker

 **Ned:** We're never getting the end of this story are we? 

**MJ:** probably not

**Harls** : [Nerd Mug](https://pin.it/6ao8HdE)

 **Harls** : Morgan just presented me with my birthday present

 **Harls** : and i'm torn between crying from laughter or crying from f a c t s 

**Pete** : A c c u r a t e

 **Harls** : out of the two of us you're the nerdiest

 **Pete** : lies and slander 

**Harry** : pete's the nerdiest

 **MJ:** ^^

 **Ned** : Sorry Pete

 **Gwen** : peter

 **Pete:** this betrayal hurts 

**Harls** : just think

 **Harls** : you can be the u l t i m a t e nerd

 **Pete** : 😯

 **Pete** : U L T I M A T E 

**Harls** : lmao there you go

**MJ:** I know I'm not up to par with your pic skills @Pete

 **MJ:** but… this was Harry when I told him you said he was pretty dumb

 **MJ:** [Harry](https://pin.it/5fUH85b)

 **Harls** : why the fuck are you smiling

 **Pete** : He chose to hear pretty

 **Harry** : i only heard pretty 

**Ned** : ^^

 **Gwen** : u 2 r on a weird frequency 

**Gwen** : how long have u known each other 

**Harry** : we were like 3 i think 

**Pete** : Harry has always been a parasitical annoyance in my life 

**MJ:** I'm d y i n g

 **MJ:** s a v a g e

 **Harry** : im cry 

**Harls** : goddamn Pete 

**Gwen** : this animosity seems unnecessary 

**Ned** : babe really

 **Ned:** stay out of it 

**Pete** : ^^

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry** : i love u pete

 **Pete** : I want to punch your handsome face 

**Pete** : but I love you too, Har 

**Harry** : r we ok

 **Harry** : ??

 **Pete** : idk Harry 

**Pete** : I can't like control what you do

 **Pete** : But this is probably the stupidest thing you've ever done

 **Harry** : i could say the same 4 u

 **Harry** : u know

 **Harry** : dressing up in spandex and fighting crime 

**Pete** : That isn't the same

 **Harry** : except it is

 **Pete** : no it's not

 **Pete** : if I had a chance at being normal 

**Harry** : u wouldnt take it 

**Harry** : ive known u longer than ive known myself peter

 **Harry** : uve always been self sacrificing 

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls** : just don't answer 

**Pete:** he's just so

 **Harls** : i know

 **Harls** : don't answer

 **Harls** : you don't want to say something you'll end up regretting 

**Pete** : ugh 

**Harls** : i know

**_The Roomies_ **

**Pete** : I can't pretend I'm okay with this decision, Harry

 **Harry** : im just asking 4 a little support

 **Harry** : y is that so hard 

**Pete** : I can't support you doing something that'll get you hurt

**Harry** : u sound just like stark 

**Harry** : u know that rite

 **Harry** : hypocritical isnt a good look on u

**_My Dad's an Evil Asshole Club_ **

**Harry** : ur boyfriend needs to get the stick out of his ass

 **Harls** : no

 **Harls** : we're not doing this 

**Harls** : I've been staying out of it 

**Harls** : but if you bring this here i am not on your side 

**Harry:** i hate fighting w him 

**Harls** : then stop fighting 

**Harry** : how can i stop fighting 

**Harry** : when he's being a bitch about it 

**Harls** : i mean idk

 **Harls** : maybe take off your rose colored glasses 

**Harls** : and see he's not the only one at fault here 

**Harls** : i know you've been through a lot 

**Harls** : but so has Peter

 **Harls** : and right now you're kind if just shoving your lie in his face and demanding he accept it 

**Harry** : im not

 **Harls** : except you are

**Harls** : and watch what the fuck you say Osborn

 **Harls** : venom in you or not

 **Harls** : i will kick your ass if you make him hate himself more than he already does 

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry** : im sorry 

**Harry** : that was uncalled for 

**Pete** : I don't throw your shit back at you, Har

 **Harry** : i know 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Gwen** : HARLEY TRIED TO TWERK WITH A REPULSOR AND IT SHOT HIM BACKWARDS INTO THE POOL AND IT JUST WENT SWOOOSH 

**Ned** : goddamn man

 **Pete** : Are you okay?! 

**MJ:** lmao idiot

 **Harry** : damn 

**Harls** : I'M OKAY 

**Harry:** one time

 **MJ:** @pete quick!

 **Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

 **Harry** : 😭

**Gwen** : in other news 

**Gwen** : HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARLEY JOSEPH KEENER THE GAY LOVE OF MY LIFE 

**Harls** : gwendolyn 

**Harls** : no 😭😭😭😭

 **Harry** : HAPPY BIRTHDAY 

**MJ:** happy commercialized day of ruining your mother's body forever 

**Harls** : metal 

**Ned** : Happy birthday, Harley! You're the only man I'd share my girlfriend with. 

**Gwen** : what did pete get u for your birthday 

**Harls** : 😉 😉 😉 😉 

**Gwen** : g e t i t 

**Gwen:** deets 

**Harry** : PLEASE NO

 **Harls** : well i woke up to

 **Harry** : STOP DEFILING MY BEST FRIEND 

**Pete** : what makes you think he defiled me? 

**Harls** : lmao

 **Harls** : Pete made birthday cake pancakes for breakfast 

**Ned** : o m g 

**Ned** : pete i miss your pancakes 

**Pete** : I mean you can always come get some

 **Pete** : I made plenty 

**Ned** : @Gwen

 **Gwen** : WE ARE ON OUR WAY 

**Ned** : put some clothes on

 **Harls** : no

 **MJ:** It is called a birthday suit 

**Harls** : ^^^^ that

**Harry** : can we come too

 **Pete** : I mean obviously 

**Harry** : 😊

 **Pete** : hurry up before we eat them all

 **MJ:** He's so happy Pete you have no idea

 **Pete** : 🙃 

**Harry** : if harley is naked when we get there 

**MJ:** I will give him a high five

 **Harls** : -immediately takes off pants- 

**Harry** : harley no

 **Pete** : Harley yes 

**Harry** : peter no! 

**Harls** : 😉 

**Gwen** : no one told me i cant get drunk anymore 

**Gwen** : and i feel personally slighted 

**Pete** : I mean 

**Pete:** I'd apologize but 

**Pete** : If it was between getting drunk or life

 **Gwen** : should have chosen d e a t h 

**Harls** : Gwen no

 **Harls** : he'll think you're being serious 

**Ned** : ^^

 **Harry** : ^^ 

**MJ:** ^^

 **Gwen** : PETER I WOULD GIVE UP BEING DRUNK JUST TO BE ALIVE I'M JUST BEING DRAMATIC 

**Gwen** : but also

 **Gwen** : death would mean no training 

**Gwen** : so

 **Pete** : Death would be nice

 **Harls** : PETER NO

 **Harry** : I WILL CRY

 **Ned** : I WILL CRY PETER 

**Pete** : oof 

**Pete** : if Gwen makes a death joke it's funny

 **Pete** : but if I do I get attacked 

**Harls** : babe please 

**Pete** : smh

 **Pete** : you're lucky you're cute Keener

 **Harls** : incredibly 

**Harls** : how else could i have landed you

 **Gwen** : jesus just make out already

 **Harry** : this is disgusting 

**MJ:** that was a damn good line 

**Ned** : I can confirm that Peter is blushing now

**Harry** : [Birthday Cake Pancakes](https://pin.it/CGAmtHM)

**Harry** : peter should have been a chef

 **Harls** : but then vaccine

 **Ned** : He right 

**Gwen** : god if we were still quarantined 

**MJ:** I would have done some very questionable things to my hair

**Harls** : may just gave me a hug and kiss and 

**Harls** : this is such a good birthday 

**Ned** : can we crash your camping trip please

 **Pete** : ABSOLUTELY NOT 

**Harry** : if i chose just to read absolutely tho

 **Pete:** If any of you show up I will throw you all off a cliff

 **Harls** : pls let me have him for just a few days to myself 

**Harls** : i promise he'll be back in one piece 

**Harry** : just dont come back pregnant pete

 **Gwen** : or harley

 **Harry** : or harley 

**Harls** : i make no promises 😉 

**Pete** : That is 

**Pete:** NOT HOW BIOLOGY WORKS 

**Harls** : pete had may rent us a car right 

**Harry** : wait y

 **Harry** : u could have just borrowed mine 

**Pete:** No thanks to your ugly af civic

 **Harls** : and he doesn't even know how to drive

 **Harls** : so now i have to drive us to the campsite on my birthday 

**Pete** : I GREW UP IN THE CITY I HAVE NEVER NEEDED TO DRIVE 

**MJ:** ^ 

**MJ:** I can't drive 

**Gwen** : w i l d 

**Gwen** : u city folk r weird 

**Ned** : Have a safe trip guys! 

**Gwen** : practice safe sex 

**MJ:** If you need anything just text 

**Harry:** keep peter away from spiders 

**Harry** : the last time one bit him some shit went down

 **Ned** : jfc Harry 😂

 **Harry** : im not wrong 

"Have you ever even been camping?" Harley asked for what had to be the twentieth time that day. He enjoyed seeing the indignant annoyance painted across Peter's face when he asked the question. Enjoyed the scowl and shove to his shoulder when he walked by, almost single handedly carrying their things to the campsite himself. 

"How many times have you asked me that?" Peter said with a huff. "Ben and I used to go camping every summer. Just us boys." 

Harley knew that. Peter had told him over breakfast, with May happily providing a photo album for them to flip through. He just really liked the way Peter's face looked alive whenever he talked about his uncle. It was rare but the other man had certainly been the father Peter would always remember. 

"And now it's just us boys." Harley snagged Peter around the waist, pushing him up against the metal of the rental car. "Thank you." He breathed against Peter's lips before dipping to kiss them. 

There was this thing Peter did whenever Harley kissed him. A little noise that he let out through a long breath of air - a sigh of relief like he could let out everything that had been weighing him down until this specific moment in time. A whimper, a hunger. 

And here, in the middle of nowhere with lush summer greens and a soft running brook behind them, Harley could feel himself relaxing too. 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete** : [Camping](https://pin.it/7gVOPyD)

 **MJ:** Whoa

 **Gwen** : this is in ny?! 

**Harls** : Pete just found the condoms May hid in his bag 

**Harls** : and i am d y i n g 

**Ned** : rich people really do have good service huh

 **Pete** : Who you calling rich?

 **Ned** : you. 

**Ned** : CEO 

**Pete** : Oop

 **Harls** : 😂 I'm so not rich 

**Ned** : sure you're not

 **Ned** : HEIR TO THE CEO

 **Pete** : I mean I could always just give you a raise 

**Ned** : I

 **Harry** : wait 

**Harry** : u wont work for me 

**Harry:** because ur working for him

 **Harry** : ?! 

**Ned** : 🙃🙃🙃🙃

It took them a ridiculously long time to put up the tent and it was still a little lopsided. The sun had set an hour ago, lost behind trees, and a gentle breeze made Harley incredibly happy he packed warm socks for this outing. He sat with his chest to the campfire, hot chocolate growing cold against his bent knee. 

They had forgotten chairs, but remembered multiple blankets. Harley leaned back on his hands and stared, unashamedly at Peter who stood with his back to Harley and camera in hand. 

Harley liked these quiet moments between the two of them. They seemed to have a habit of being surrounded by other people but, here, with the first clear view of the sky Harley had seen in the entire time he was in New York, and the fresh end of summer air, Harley was happy. "Stop staring." Peter said without turning around and Harley threw back his head and laughed. 

"How can I when the view is so gorgeous." 

Peter did turn around then, a playful glare pulling at his lips. His ears were red. "You say that to all the boys." He muttered but Harley heard before it could carried away into the wind. 

"There's no other boys." Harley contemplated standing up, but Peter was already on his way back over, placing his camera back in it's bag next to the tent's entrance and picking off his shoes in a perfectly straight line beside Harley's. He stopped directly above him and Harley knew it was only partially to glare down at him and mostly for the warmth of the fire to travel up his back. Peter was always cold. 

He looked ethereal framed in the moonlight. The silver beams painted his hair closer to a bronze than it's normal brown and the shadows from the fire made the freckles across his nose stand out. Harley found his hand without looking and tugged. 

Peter obliged, even if Harley knew he could have let himself stay standing. He settled a top Harley's legs, though, his own splayed out behind Harley's back. Their noses touched if he leaned forward only half an inch and he could feel Peter's hand playing softly with the hair at the nape of his neck. "What are you thinking about?" 

Harley didn't answer automatically, he needed a moment to figure it all out himself. He hadn't felt this free in his entire life. He didn't know how to put his thoughts into words, but he had never been so happy to have decided _against_ doing something before. He wished he could go back and tell eighteen year old him that it was all worth it. That he just had to hold on, just a little bit longer. Gwen might have saved his life back in college but Peter had been what he was living for. 

Instead of saying any of that, though, Harley claimed Peter's lips in his own. A hand slid down to Harley's chest, and Harley kept an arm strong against Peter's waist, keeping him firm in his lap. 

The past few weeks had been hell on all of them and the two of them hadn't been lucky enough to get any real amount of time together. It was always training, always working, always trying to keep things from crashing to the ground. Now, though, with Peter's mouth under his and sharing breath between the two of them Harley felt for the first time that he could actually relax. 

Willingly, he let Peter push him backwards onto the blanket, his hand sliding up under his shirt and toying, just a moment, with the small splash of blonde chest hair Harley had been gifted with. He let his own hand run over the sliver of skin between Peter's shirt and jeans, slowly teasing the button. A gasp escaped the lips above him and Harley smiled, just a moment, before shifting his weight just enough to roll them. 

"Don't wake the bears." Harley warned mockingly before clamping a hand over Peter's mouth and kissing his way down his neck. His knee slotted perfectly between legs, his hips bucking downwards just a little to happily push out a hiss against the palm of his hand. 

Harley felt wicked, felt _hungry_ , felt like he was a man dying of thirst. He didn't think he would ever get used to this. To the feeling of Peter either above or below or wherever he deemed necessary to be. 

And that was… good. 

"It's _your_ birthday." Peter whined between another shift of Harley's hips against his own. 

Harley looked up at him, then. At the mess of chestnut hair splayed across a grey blanket and framed by dark green grass. Maybe out in the open wasn't the place to be doing this. They _had_ brought a tent. 

Still. 

Peter's lips were a dark cherry red, the color of the sin that had been haunting Harley since he was old enough to know what _gay_ meant. "Then let me do what I want?" Harley smiled a bit like a shark and he sounded strained even when he spoke, his blonde hair falling haphazardly into his eyes. He danced his fingers around the button to Peter's jeans and kicked out of his own, the night air chilly, just a little, against his bare legs.

He would stop if Peter asked him too, would never push him this way. 

Peter whined, soft, before nodding once, with a sharp inhale, lifting his hips just enough to wiggle out of his own. " _Shit."_ His head went back, his back arched just a little, just enough for Harley to slide a hand between his back and the blanket and pull him up so his arms looped around his neck and Harley was granted unobstructed access to the skin at his neck. No mark Harley left would last very long, but that just meant that he had to try harder. 

An owl hooted in the empty forest around them as Harley pushed up and in. They stayed like that for awhile, slow and sweet and Harley reveled in the small gasps and the way a moan pulled itself up from his mouth that he had to hide in Peter's shoulder. Harley liked to take his time, he liked to pull Peter apart with each second they stayed locked together. 

Peter liked it _hard_ and, once Harley had got his fill, he loved nothing more than to give him what he wanted. It was hot and rough and muffled noises against a hand Harley slapped over his mouth when the speed picked up. It was everything like the first time and completely different and when it was over it was with Harley all but collapsed on top, finally in their tent, and a sloppy kiss to the side of his head. 

"Think the bears heard?" Peter sounded _wrecked_ and Harley loved every second of it. 

"You don't understand being quiet… so." Harley shrugged but pressed a kiss upon swollen lips to take the sting out of the words. 

Still Peter flushed and pinched Harley's lower back. "You're not exactly quiet either." 

"I'm also not complaining." Harley spoke lowly against the shell of his ear and grinned, _wicked_ when Peter shivered. He nipped softly at Peter's jaw before claiming his mouth in another filthy kiss. "Tired?" 

Peter's hands were like fire on his skin, his tongue like Harley's favorite candy. _"Never."_

**_Clusterfuck _ **

**Harry** : so

 **Harry** : one time

 **Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

 **Harry** : WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS 

**Harls** : [Camping ](https://pin.it/7eSgq0U)

**MJ:** don't go chasing waterfalls 

**Gwen:** did u have a good nite boys 

**Gwen** : 😉 

**Harls** : camping is my new favorite thing 

**Harry** : becuz of the wildlife yeh

 **Harry** : cuz it is gorg 

**Harry** : hallelujah trees

 **Pete** : No Harry 

**Pete** : because of the sex 

**Ned** : rifuduifodhxuofbdj

 **Harry** : omg 

**Gwen** : YAS PETE

 **MJ:** lmao Harry's face 

**Harry** : 😭😭

 **Harry** : wat have u done to our pete 

**Harls** : i mean 

**Harls** : if you really want to know

 **Harry** : PLS NO 

  
  



	25. Fallout

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** [Camping](https://pin.it/oGzUdsy)

**Harls** : we're not coming back 

**Harls:** we're gonna be mountain men forever 

**Harry** : u cant take my peter like that

**Pete** : I'm not yours to claim though 🙃🙃🙃🙃

**MJ:** @gwen looks like you're up as Spider-Man 

**Gwen** : no

**Gwen** : dont do this to me pete

**Gwen** : i do not look good in spandex

**Ned** : You look amazing in everything 

**Gwen** : aww babe 

**MJ:** I asked Harry what he wanted for lunch and he said "a feeling of purpose" so I threw his grilled cheese over the balcony and now he's mad at me

**Pete** : mood

**Harry** : which part

**Pete** : all of it 

**Gwen** : mj ill have some grilled cheese 

**MJ:** THIS is why I regret not being a lesbian

**Harry** : oof 

**Harls** : i genuinely have no idea what is happening here 

**Harls** : but also

**Harls** : i see your dumb argument and raise you

**Harls** : [Camping](https://pin.it/7lELeEs)

**Gwen** : take ur camping porn and shove it keener

**Ned** : Yeah! You didn't let us join you can't just make us jealous like this! 

**Harls** : watch 

**Harls** : me

**Pete** : Hot take: 

**Pete** : Maybe just go camping yourselves? 

**Pete** : idk somewhere where we aren't? 

**Pete** : Upstate is a big place 

**Harls** : ^^

**Harry** : g l a m p i n g 

**Gwen** : who do u take me as parker

**Gwen** : nature is evil

**Pete** : you JUST said 

**Harry** : i mean 

**Harry** : one time

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : mother fuuuuu

**Ned** : so like

**Ned** : Tony Stark just asked me if Peter was alive and @pete

**Pete** : lol nope

**Pete** : not doing this today

**Harls** : ^^^^^^^

**Ned** : So I'll just tell him yes than.

**Pete** : FUN FACT

**MJ:** oh god

**Gwen** : tell me more

**Pete** : Styrofoam melts 

**Harry** : however did u figure that out

**Harls:** PETER THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO WARM UP FOOD IN STYROFOAM OVER A FIRE AND WAS S H O O K WHEN IT JUST MELTED 

**Harry** : o nooooo

**MJ:** dumbass

**Gwen** : how sad was he

**Pete** : I'm still upset over it Gwen

**Pete** : Harley wanted to go fishing and then cook the fish like a caveman

**Harls** : peter stopped me

**Harls** : killer of dreams

**Harls** : 😭

**Ned** : RIP

**Pete** : [Camping ](https://pin.it/4LGeu89)

**MJ:** anyone notice that we only use this chat if Pete or Harley are participating 

**Ned** : lmao

**Gwen** : bold observation MJ

**Harry** : they are the glue 

**Harls** : that's actually kind if sweet? 

**Harry** : i take it back 

**Pete** : Too late now, Har

**Pete:** you have a reputation of being 

**Pete** : s o f t 

**Harry** : can i get proof that peter is alive please 

**Pete** : no

**Harls** : [Peter](https://pin.it/2VLaw8z)

**Harls** : he is alive 

**Harls** : he is swinging off trees and shit

**Harls** : he is screaming when a spider gets near him 

**Harls** : and he is h o t 

**Harry** : much thank

**Gwen** : oof harley

**Gwen** : climb that boi

**Harry** : or u kno

**Harry** : dont

**Harls** : too late 

**Harls** : 😉 

**MJ:** how many times has Peter almost died so far

**Harls** : so many times

**Harls** : 😪

**Pete** : I feel so attacked right now

**_Actual Goddess_ **

**Pete** : [Camping ](https://pin.it/1piSitk)

**May:** Ooh baby that is beautiful 

**Pete** : 😊

**May** : I take it you're having fun? 

**May** : Being safe? 

**Pete** : With lots of bug spray yes. 👍 

**May** : You know that's not what I mean.

**Pete** : NOPE 

**Pete** : I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE BUG SPRAY

**May** : 🤣 whatever you say, Pete. 

**_Personal Stalker_ **

**Tony** : I'm going to send this now because you're camping and that way we can talk about it all when you get back. 

**Tony** : I shouldn't have kept things from you. You're an adult. 

**Tony** : But you're also my kid. 

**Tony** : Well, I think of you as my kid. 

**Tony** : And May's dragged me through the mud already. So has Murdock. 

**Tony** : Totally unfair you've forgiven him so quick, by the way. But I'll get over it. 

**Tony** : Also Harley basically told me I was a dumbass so that was fun. 

**Tony** : Things haven't been the same and I get it, kid. It's my fault. 

**Tony** : I have this protecting people thing and I take it out on you so much. 

**Tony** : And I know I shouldn't. It's super unfair to you. 

**Tony** : But if it was Morgan and she was being mentally tortured every turn you can't tell me you wouldn't try to solve it yourself.

**Peter:** Morgan isn’t me and I’m not her

**Peter:** And I am ON VACATION away from all this bullshit 

**Peter:** We are not doing this right now. 

**Tony:** Then when? 

**Tony:** When are we going to do this, Pete?

**Tony:** I’ve been trying to talk to you about what happened for weeks now and you won’t even sit in a room alone with me. 

**Peter:** Do you even

**Peter:** Do you even hear yourself sometimes? 

**Peter:** This isn’t about YOU. 

**Tony:** No it’s about you. 

**Tony:** All I’m asking is that you talk to me. 

**Peter:** And that was all I ever asked from you. 

**Peter:** And you couldn’t put aside your ego to give me that! 

**Peter:** Do you even know how much it HURTS to know you don’t trust me? 

**Tony:** I trust you. 

**Peter:** I don’t know what’s worse.

**Peter:** Either you actually believe that, which is really fucking sad, or you’re lying to me again. 

**Peter:** Just leave me alone. 

**Peter:** I’LL come to YOU for once. 

The fight was inevitable, really. Harry was actually shocked it didn't happen sooner. Things between the two of them were tense, more tense than twenty years of friendship should be. 

It wasn't that Harry didn't get it. He had known what he was doing when he told Peter that all of Venom was destroyed years ago. He knew trust and truth were two very important concepts to his friend. Still, Harry held his independence close to his chest. After years of being controlled the thought that  _ Peter _ would try to control him was… unthinkable. 

The fight was inevitable. 

He knew even agreeing to be Gwen's sparring partner was something that would set Peter off if he walked in on it. It would have been a problem even if Harry didn't have Venom living inside him. But when Gwen kicked out a little  _ too  _ hard and  _ much _ too fast and Venom's black tendrils were what reacted instead of Harry well… it had all but been set in stone then. 

Gwen yelped when Venom pulled her by the leg and threw her against the padded floor. Venom moved for more, while Harry rushed out a hasty apology. “I... it’s fine.” Gwen winced when she tried to stand, though and sat back down heavily, her hand laying guardedly over her quickly swelling ankle.

Harry had never wanted to hurt anyone before. 

He stepped forward and then stumbled backwards,  _ hard _ , his back colliding with the wall with barely a push of air. Venom was even too startled to react. 

But there was Peter - seething and dangerous, still in the clothes he had worn while camping. The fresh air clung to him like a cologne and he  _ looked _ better, even if the look on his face was almost downright terrifying. 

The two of them had been through hell and back together. Harry had pushed away bullies on the playground and Peter had stood toe to toe with his father even before the spiderbite. Harry had more happy memories with Peter than bad memories. He could count on one hand the amount of times something good happened in his life that Peter wasn’t at least indirectly related to. Harry had seen Peter terrify the scariest of men. 

Harry had  _ never _ been afraid of Peter. 

But Venom was. 

Venom was terrified and when Venom was terrified well… all hell tended to break lose. 

Harley was bent down beside Gwen, concern etched into his face and their bags all but thrown by the door. Their car was still running, Harry noticed almost second handedly. They had just gotten back. 

He hoped it had been a nice escape, at least. 

The two of them said nothing for a long time, Harry with his breath heaving against the wall and Peter standing guard. Protecting. 

From him. 

It felt like a punch in the gut. 

Harry remembered when it had been him on the ground looking up at Peter the way Gwen was now. Always the protector. 

**_Self-sacrificing idiot_ ** , Venom argued. 

Well… he wasn’t wrong there. Still, Harry hadn’t meant to hurt Gwen and neither had Venom. It had been a gut reaction. Harry stepped forward, absently twirling his fingers. “Gwen are you-?” 

Peter shoved him again, keeping him firmly against the wall. “Pete…” It was Harley that spoke, slow and cautious. 

Harry said nothing, instead watching as a myriad of emotions played across Peter’s face. Everything from anger, to hurt, to  _ mistrust _ … Harry shoved him back. Typically it wouldn’t have done much, but Venom was eager for a fight. Peter stumbled back, half a step before catching himself and the look that crossed his face was almost laughable. Any other situation. If Harry was in any other position than the one he was in he would have  _ laughed _ . 

Now, though, now Harry just seethed. 

After everything and Peter still didn’t trust him? Twenty years of friendship down the drain. Harry trusted Peter with every fiber of his being - trusted him to have his back and make the best decisions. Yet Peter couldn’t do the same? “Fight me.” Harry pushed him again, harder this time. 

“Guys, come on!” Harley helped Gwen off the mat, though, his arm sliding around her waist and supporting her as she limped off. Her ankle would heal quick enough, but that didn’t stop the guilt from eating Harry up inside. 

He knew Peter felt it too. Knew Peter had the guilt complex of some stupid comic book hero. He knew Peter blamed himself for everything that went wrong that could have ever been prevented. “No.” Peter went to walk away, but Venom shot out a black hand to grab tightly onto his ankle and pull him down,  _ hard _ on the ground. 

“Fucking hell, Harry!” Harley shouted and moved to intercept, but Peter was quicker. Always quicker. 

He pushed himself around so he was lying on his back, expression almost blank. 

There he was. 

Harry didn’t have a problem with Peter Parker. 

Harry had a problem with Spider-Man. 

It was embarrassing how quick the fight was. Venom was a good help, but Peter had fought Venom on multiple occasions and  _ always _ came out on top. Venom was strong, but his host was  _ nothing _ compared to enhanced. Spider-Man didn’t hold back and Harry let Venom take control for just a moment. 

When he was back front and center he was on his back, body aching, and chest heaving. He blinked and saw Captain America leaning over him - eyes tired and concerned. “What the hell happened here?” Sam Wilson muttered but Harry shoved him none-too-gently out of the way and, instead, looked over at where Peter stood, held back by a mechanical hand to his chest and eyes almost wild. Harley was being held back too, Tony Stark between the two of them and saying something sharply enough that Harry watched as Peter flinched. 

_ No. _

Harry had a protective streak. It had never really been much of a problem before. Ben Parker had been a really nice guy, he never really yelled at Peter or at Harry, always took a more gentle and soft approach to discipline. Harry had gotten into one too many fights when he and Peter were children just because someone would take his glasses, or hide his inhaler, or, once, push him down on the playground. 

Harry’s problem was that he had spent his whole life being beaten down until he was a sliver of himself. 

Like  _ hell _ would he let that happen to Peter too. 

“What did you say?” Harry’s nose was bleeding, and his hands shook when he planted them to the ground, still he stood and stalked unsteadily over to where Tony Stark stood, effectively keeping Peter back. 

Harley grabbed him before he could get any closer. “Don’t.” He warned and Harry saw, just then, how dangerous someone like Harley Keener could really be. It was hard, objectively, to think of someone as kind as Harley as dangerous. Harry never would have used that word for him. Passionate, kind, soft, gentle, angry… those were all words Harry would have used to describe him if anyone asked. But never dangerous.  _ Dangerous _ made Harley’s blue eyes look like clouds. 

What was it Harley had said just a week before? 

_ If you make him hate himself more than he already does…. _

“What did you say to him?” Harry let himself be pulled to a stop, directing the question instead at its intended target. Peter made to shove Tony off, but Tony just pressed him harder against the wall. Harry thought, belatedly, that Peter looked as though he were about to cry. “ **_What did you say?”_ **

The room seemed to drop in temperature and finally,  _ finally,  _ Tony Stark turned to look at him. Half in the Iron Man suit he looked ridiculous and with greying hair he didn’t look anything as terrifying as Harley Keener did just moments before. Didn’t feel any bit as terrifying as Venom felt in that moment. Venom might not have held any real love for Spider-Man, but the symbiote was smart enough to understand that Peter and Spider-Man were one in the same. And they both meant a great deal to Venom’s host. 

Harley’s hand gripped his forearm tighter, Harry could hear the mechanical whir of a reactor powering up, Gwen stood just off the mats ready to jump in, Sam Wilson was looking up at him with a face that was ready to pounce but  _ Peter _ … his eyes softened, just a smidge. Enough for Harry to know that he understood. 

“You just stay over there.” Tony ordered even though he had no place to do so. 

“ _ Harry _ .” 

Harry knew which one he was going to listen to. He moved forward but Harley jerked him back. He was deceptively strong, for a normal person. “Tony…” 

“He was going to kill you.” Harry wasn’t sure which person Tony was talking to, but he didn’t miss the pinched way his voice tightened. “Pete…” 

“Harry, I’m so sorry.” Peter said from where he stood instead. “I shouldn’t have…” 

Shouldn’t have what, Harry wanted to ask. Shouldn’t have fought? 

No… They had needed that. It was brimming on the edge of their friendship for over a month and Harry wasn’t about to regret it. 

Plus, fighting Spider-Man? That was something Harry was always going to remember. “ _ Please _ ,” Harry’s voice shook with exhaustion. “Just trust me, Pete, please.” 

Harley dropped his hand before Tony did, just in time for Peter’s face to fall and for him to take a deep, wrecked breath. Peter had a bruise on his cheek, a scratch on his arm and looked a mess, but Harry knew he looked no better. Peter hastily shoved Tony’s hand off his chest and grabbed Harry in a rough, almost painful hug. 

Things had been a mess, Harry knew that. Peter’s protective streak ran just as deep as Harry’s own. 

The Parkers had always been huggers. Their hugs were a language of their own - an apology, a reassurance. Peter was a very tactile person and Harry, as a touch starved individual, never minded when the attention was placed on him. Now, though… well now the hug held everything between them that had gone unspoken for so long. Harry apologized with a hug, and Peter offered a promise with a squeeze. "If Venom ever hurts you," Peter muttered into the fabric at Harry's shoulder. "I will tear it to pieces." 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Gwen:** so r we not supposed to talk about wat just happened

**MJ:** What just happened? 

**Ned:** Yeah what just happened? 

**Harry:** we good now

**Harls:** i have never seen an embodiment of “fight it out” before

**Harls:** i didnt think you or pete were the type to have to fight it out

**MJ:** I MISSED THE FIGHT IT OUT STAGE?! 

**Gwen:** it was

**Gwen:** a little

**Harls:** h o t 

**Gwen:** lmao i was going to say scary but whatevs i guess

**Ned:** omg

**Ned:** is everyone okay?

**Pete:** We good. 

**Harry:** love u peteeeeeee

**Pete:** Love you too, Har. 

**Harls:** fuck 

**Harls:** i have to go back to sharing my boyfriend now don’t i

**Harry:** u never stopped

**MJ:** lmao they’re back

**MJ:** [Peter and Harry ](https://pin.it/mPUj2gS)

  
  
  



	26. Science Child vs The Cracken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know how we've gotten here

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

**Harry** : peter 

**Pete** : I want to be cremated as my last chance for a smoking hot body. 

**Harry** : pls

 **Harls** : last chance my ass

 **Pete** : I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me. 

**Harry** : y do u hate me

 **Pete** : Waking up this morning was an eye opening experience. 

**Ned** : NO

 **Ned** : NO PETER 

**Ned** : WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS 

**Pete** : I MADE A PUN ABOUT HOW THE WIND BLOWS.

 **Harls** : you keep doing you babe 

**Pete** : NEVER DISCUSS INFINITY WITH A MATHEMATICIAN, THEY CAN GO ON ABOUT IT FOREVER 

**Harry** : THIS IS THE LAMEST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE 

**Pete** : GETTING THE ABILITY TO FLY WOULD BE SO UPLIFTING 

**MJ:** why is this happening so early in the morning?

 **Pete** : The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

 **MJ:** It’s too early for this

 **Harls:** MJ it’s lunch time

 **Pete:** I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

 **Harry:** pls pete

 **Harry:** have mercy

 **Pete:** "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."

 **Pete:** "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

 **Ned:** I WILL THROW YOU INTO THE HUDSON PARKER

 **Pete:** A mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.

 **Ned:** I’M COMING FOR YOU PETER BENJAMIN PARKER

 **Harls:** not if you can’t find him

**Harls: 😈**

**Ned:** You’re not safe either, Keener.

 **Harls:** you

 **Harls:** are

 **Harls:** not

 **Harls:** s c a r y 

**Ned:** I’ll bring Gwen!

 **Harls:** lmao 

**Harls:** she’s going to see this and join in

 **Harls:** i hope you know that

 **Ned:** L. I. E. S. 

**Harls:** bet

 **Harls:** @Gwen

 **Pete:** Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

 **Harry:** i am crying

 **MJ:** Stop blowing up my phone 

**MJ:** I’m trying to ignore you

 **Pete:** I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

 **Gwen:** wait wats happening

 **Gwen:** r we sending puns

 **Gwen:** R WE PUN SPAMMING

 **Gwen:**?!

 **Pete:** I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

 **Gwen:** i have been waiting my whole life this moment

 **Gwen:** i just found out im colorblind

 **Gwen:** the diagnosis came completely out of the purple

 **Pete:** Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

 **Gwen:** what do u call the security outside of a Samsung Store

 **Gwen:** Guardians of the Galaxy

 **Pete:** I’ve met them

 **Pete:** They’re l a m e 

**Harls:** i met starlord once and immediately wanted to kick him in the balls 

**Ned:** wild

 **Ned:** I’m still coming for you, Parker

 **Harls:** without Gwen though? 

**Harls:** you’re going to lose, my friend

 **Gwen:** my gf told me she was leaving me bcuz I keep pretending to be a transformer

 **Gwen:** i said

 **Gwen:** no, wait 

**Gwen:** i can change

 **MJ:** Gwen 

**MJ:** I am losing all respect I held for you

 **Harry:** im gonna just yeet myself over the balcony if u dont stop

 **Pete:** I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

 **Harry:** this is wat my friendship means to u

 **Gwen:** Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

 **Ned:** Babe

 **Ned:** I’ve watched you eat eight burritos in one sitting and not been as disgusted as I am right now

 **Gwen:** ow

 **Harls:** PETER I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE ATTRACTED TO YOU

 **Pete:** I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

 **Harry:** i have never wanted to d i e more

 **Gwen:** u r so d r a m a t i c 

**Harry:** this is who i am gwen

 **Harry:** y must u make it a big thing

 **MJ:** I hate all of you. 

**Harry:** but

 **MJ:** You the least. 

**MJ:** It used to be Gwen but then she started sending puns 

**MJ:** And she has dropped just above Peter

 **Gwen:** 😟

 **Harry:** WAIT

 **Harry:** I CAN TELL MY STORY NOW

 **Harry:** all right u ready for this

 **Harry:** one time

 **Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

 **Harry:** F U C K 

**Pete:** R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.

 **Harls:** god i love you

 **Pete:** aww 

**Pete:** I love you too. 

**Pete:** 😊

**_Unknown Number_ **

**Unknown:** what’s the ph number that tells you if it’s an alkali substance? 

**Peter:** 13\. 

**Peter:** Do I know you? 

**Unknown:** oh no

 **Unknown:** i’m sorry i meant to text my mom and your number is like one off

 **Peter:** Oh no don’t worry about it. 

**Peter:** I love science. I will gladly answer any other questions you have. 

**Unknown:** wait really? 

**Unknown:** so like

 **Unknown:** do you know what ph even is? 

**Peter:** Omg you’re adorable. 

**Peter:** Yes I do. 

**Peter:** pH is used to express the acidity or alkalinity of a solution on a scale that can be measured. 7 is neutral - so water. 

**Peter:** Usually the pH is on a scale of 0-14 

**Peter:** if the pH is greater than 7 they are basic or alkaline 

**Peter:** if the pH is less than 7 it’s acidic

 **Peter:** pH is a measure of hydrogen ion concentration

 **Peter:** so like lemon juice is a 2, so it’s super acidic 

**Peter:** bleach is a 12, so it’s an alkali substance

 **Unknown:** w h o a 

**Unknown:** i didn’t think you’d actually answer

 **Unknown:** thank 

**Unknown:** all the thank

 **Peter:** aww no problem

 **Peter:** Send me any science questions you have, unknown science child

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** so i tried to bake again

 **Pete:** HARRY NO

 **Harls:** he just 

**Harls:** s c r e e t c h e d

 **MJ:** lmao

 **Pete:** You should NEVER bake

 **Pete:** Baking and you is a CURSE

 **Harry:** I TRIED TO BAKE AGAIN TODAY

 **Ned:** Let Harry tell his story

 **Gwen:** god pete

 **Pete:** smh

 **Harls:** what were you trying to make?

 **MJ:** Blueberry pie

 **Harry:** piiiiieeeeeee

 **Pete:** You are RICH

 **Pete:** You could literally order one from SO MANY different bakeries

 **Harry:** but pie tastes better when its homemade

 **MJ:** ^^^^

**Harry:** anyway

 **Harry:** i got all the ingredients right

 **Ned:** of course

 **Gwen:** i thought ingredients just showed up

 **Harry:** common misconception, gwen

 **Harry:** i did, in fact, have to go to a store

 **Gwen:** proof the rich are just like us

**Harry:** i have all the ingredients but did not buy enough pie crust

 **Harry:** which oof

 **Pete:** oh god why

 **Pete:** 😭😭

 **Harls:** don’t let him fool you 

**Harls:** he’s smiling while crying

 **Harry:** but like whatever ill make it work

 **Harry:** so i mix all the stuff i’m supposed to

 **MJ:** But what don’t you do? 

**Harry:** i guess ur supposed to mix it over heat? 

**Pete:** Harry why

 **Harry:** i mean idk man

 **Harry:** i guess it combines the sugar with the juices, ya know

 **Pete:** omfg that is not what I meant

 **Pete:** And you know it

 **Harry:** but i read ur supposed to crush the berries so i crush them

 **MJ:** once again

 **MJ:** Not over heat

 **Harry:** so then i mix in the flour and the rest of the berries 

**Harry:** and im like 

**Harry:** this does not look like good berry mix

 **Harry:** so i go to put it over heat

 **Harls:** peter’s crying into my shoulder now

 **Harls:** idk if it’s in horror or laughter

 **MJ:** Where do you go to put it over heat? 

**Harry:** i mean where else

 **Harry:** but the microwave

 **Pete:** You have a HUGE KITCHEN

 **Harry:** so i mix it up and it looks a lil better

 **Harry:** so im like cool okay

 **Harry:** and i go to move onto the crust

 **Harry:** so i put it in a cake pan because i do not have a pie tin

 **Harry:** but it’ll work the same yeh

 **Pete:** No

 **Harry:** so i poor in the filling

 **Pete:** Without cooling it

 **Pete:** This is fine. 

**Harry:** thats wat im thinking

 **Harry:** like this pie is gonna taste d o p e

 **MJ:** But then what did you do? 

**Harry:** well i saw this thing on pintrest right? 

**Harls:** No. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

 **Harry:** and it looked so cool

 **MJ:** what was it you saw? 

**Harry:** THE CRACKEN

 **Pete:** HAROLD NO

 **Harls:** HAROLD YES 

**Ned:** This is gold. 

**Gwen:** i love harry baking stories

 **MJ:** He doesn’t even do them while baked. 

**Gwen:** omg could u imagine

 **MJ:** It might actually go well for once. 

**Harry:** so i cut out all the pieces in the smaller pie crust and arrange them on top of the pie mix

 **Pete:** You’re supposed to cook that separate. 

**Harry:** so i put it in the oven at 375 like the directions say

 **Harry:** and wait an hour

 **MJ:** By an hour he means hour and a half

 **Harry:** and the aprt smells h e a v e n l y 

**MJ:** This was all happening at 3am btw

 **Harry:** and i open up the oven 

**Harry:** and

 **Harry:** [Pie fail](https://pin.it/5KgpZbS)

 **Harls:** NOOOOO

 **Harls:** 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

 **Ned:** WHAT EVEN HARRY

 **Gwen:** omfg

 **Gwen:** 😂😂😂😂

 **Pete:** why

 **Pete:** 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

 **MJ:** What was it supposed to look like, Harry? 

**Harry:** [Pie 🥧 ](https://pin.it/2lxKrvL)

**Harls:** OMG IT GOT BETTER

 **Ned:** Gwen is shrieking

 **Pete:** May says good job

 **Pete:** But you can’t trust her because she is also a horrible cook

 **MJ:** He made me eat it

 **Harry:** TELL THEM WHAT YOU SAID

 **MJ:** ~~it actually didn’t taste that bad~~

**Harry:** does may want any pie? 

**Pete:** She says please

 **Pete:** I will c r y if you bring that here, though

 **Harry:** dont worry ill bring her some at work

 **Pete:** Smh

**Harls:** i was working w tony in the workshop 

**Harls:** thought of harry’s pie

 **Harls:** and almost blew something up because i was laughing so hard i started crying

 **Gwen:** iconic

 **Pete:** Should have blown it up. 

**Harry:** i do not miss this animosity being brought onto me

 **MJ:** I wish Peter’s anger on no one

 **Pete:** Your baking might bring it back, Har

 **Harry:** no

**Harry: 😯😯😯😯**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** i love your face

 **Pete:** I love YOUR face

 **Harls:** i love your face so much 

**Harls:** that i will get it tattooed on my body

 **Pete:** Please don’t. 

**Harls:** i mean

 **Harls:** fine

 **Harls:** 😔

**Pete:** Can I punch Tony? 

**Harls:** i highkey suggest it

 **Harls:** why though? 

**Harls:** is he bothering you still? 

**Pete:** I don’t want to talk to him. 

**Harls:** understandable

 **Pete:** But he keeps trying? 

**Harls:** also understandable

 **Harls:** you know he doesn’t really give people time to forgive him

 **Pete:** I miss Ben

 **Harls:** aw babe

 **Harls:** i know

 **Pete:** Ben would never do this 

**Harls:** i know

 **Pete:** And would probably have punched Tony by now

 **Harls:** are you okay

 **Harls:** like 

**Harls:** really okay

 **Pete:** idk 

**Pete:** I love Tony like

 **Pete:** He’s my 

**Pete:** he’s like my dad

 **Pete:** But he’s also

 **Harls:** what he is to you doesn’t negate what he did to you

 **Pete:** I feel like it should though

 **Harls:** if my dad came back and started apologizing 

**Harls:** would you let me just forgive him

 **Pete:** Of course not! He left he doesn’t get a say in how you feel. 

**Harls:** and Tony fucked up

 **Harls:** he doesn’t get to decide when and how you forgive him

 **Pete:** It would be easier to just 

**Pete:** Let it go

 **Pete:** But then he’s just going to do it again

 **Harls:** babe 

**Harls:** darlin

 **Pete:** And it’s not just what happened, you know? 

**Pete:** Like I looked up to him for years

 **Pete:** And I’ve done everything right

 **Pete:** But he refuses to see me as anything other than this kid

 **Harls:** and that’s real shitty

 **Pete:** I’m not angry at you 

**Harls:** i never thought you were? 

**Pete:** But I’m also really fucking jealous 

**Harls:** oh

 **Harls:** i mean

 **Pete:** I know it’s dumb

 **Pete:** I just wish it was me

 **Harls:** wish what was you

 **Pete:** You’re getting everything Harley

 **Pete:** Iron Man and Stark Industries and 

**Pete:** it’s so dumb

 **Pete:** I just 

**Pete:** That used to be me you know

 **Harls:** babe

 **Harls:** i don’t

 **Pete:** no no don’t feel bad

 **Pete:** You deserve all of this

 **Pete:** I am so happy for you

 **Pete:** I’m just also

 **Pete:** Ugh 

**Pete:** I miss Ben

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** I took Harley to the Yankee’s game 

**Pete:** [Harley](https://pin.it/4MSMXRd)

 **Harls:** SPORTS BALL IS COOL

 **Gwen:** lmao 

**Gwen:** u look cute though bby

 **Harls:** thanks gwendolyn

 **Ned:** This is weirdly cute? 

**Ned:** Since Harley doesn’t let people take pictures of him. 

**MJ:** Didn’t they just reopen the stadium for games? 

**Pete:** Yep! 

**Pete:** Harls hasn’t ever been to a game though

 **Pete:** So I took him

 **Harls:** they did a moment of silence for those that died

 **Harls:** i cried

 **Harls:** then they did a parade of first responders

 **Harls:** and i cried harder

 **Harls:** and then they somehow found out pete was in the audience

 **Harls:** and did the whole stadium did a standing o

 **Harls:** and then Peter cried

 **MJ:** oof

 **Harry:** my baby 

**Harry: ❤❤❤❤**

**_The Roomies_ **

**Harry:** i kno todays always hard 4 u 

**Harry:** do u and may wanna come over for dinner

 **Pete:** Nah

 **Pete:** we’re going to visit him if you wanna come though

 **Harry:** do u want me there

 **Pete:** I want him there

 **Harry:** o

 **Harry:** pete

 **Harry:** ben would be so proud of u

 **Pete:** I miss him

 **Harry:** i know

 **Harry:** harley better be hugging u so much rite now

 **Pete:** ha

 **Pete:** yeah he’s been great

 **Harry:** i miss him too ya know

 **Harry:** i was thinking about that pizza grilled cheese he used to make

 **Harry:** on snow days

 **Pete:** Ugh those sandwiches were so good

**Pete:** come to visit him with us please

 **Harry:** of course

 **Harry:** i would be honored

 **Pete:** dork

**_Science Child_ **

**Science Child:** can you help me

 **Peter:** Sure! 

**Science Child:** how do i calculate velocity

 **Science Child:** i am so confused

 **Peter:** Velocity is distance divided by time

 **Peter:** So like

 **Science Child:** but like 

**Science Child:** if a train covered 50 miles in 30 mins how the hell would i figure that out

 **Peter:** 50/30 = velocity

 **Science Child:** it’s that simple? 

**Peter:** Yep! 

**Science Child:** Thanks! 

**Peter:** No problem. 

**Science Child:** quiero morirme

 **Peter:** No, por favor? 

**Science Child:** oof 

**Peter:** Everything good? 

**Science Child:** i just want to be done with school 

**Science Child:** i don’t have enough time and have so many projects 

**Science Child:** i just want to g o a w ay 

**Peter:** Please don’t. 

**Peter:** People would miss you. 

**Science Child:** i mean not forever

 **Science Child:** just for like 

**Science Child:** the weekend

 **Peter:** ugh I can feel that

 **Peter:** sleepover a friend’s house? 

**Science Child:** if only i had friends 

**Science Child:** i would sleepover my uncle’s but dad says no

 **Peter:** You don’t have friends? 

**Science Child:** i’m new at school

 **Peter:** What do you like to do? 

**Peter:** To escape at least in your mind? 

**Science Child:** art

 **Science Child:** but like i had a project

 **Peter:** The project will still be there when you’re done. 

**Peter:** Do some art!

**Science Child:[Art](https://pin.it/4PT4Uln)**

**Peter:** w h o a

 **Science Child:** it’s not that good

 **Peter:** this is beautiful

 **Peter:** My Science Child is so good at art

 **Science Child:** thanks 

**Science Child:** 🙂

 **Peter:** Feeling a little better now? 

**Science Child:** a little

 **Science Child:** i’m gonna do some more though 

**Peter:** Only if you send them this way

 **Peter:** I want to print this and frame it on my desk

 **Science Child:** oh god pls don’t

 **Peter:** too late this is too good

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** I have a Science Child now

 **Pete:** And they are also an Art Child

 **Harls:** i’m a dad

 **Harls:** idk how i feel about this

 **Harry:** wait is this wrong number kid

 **Ned:** I DID NOT SET THIS ONE UP

 **Gwen:** i smell a trend

 **MJ:** art? 

**Pete:** yeh

 **Pete:** [Graffiti ](https://pin.it/4PT4Uln)

**Harry:** y is everyone so talented 

**Harry:** and me a potato

 **Ned:** At least potatoes taste good? 

**Harry:** point

 **MJ:** lmao 

**MJ:** I know that kid

**Pete:** WHAT

 **Harls:** YOU KNOW MY CHILD

 **Harls:** I DON’T EVEN KNOW MY CHILD

 **MJ:** rofl yeh

 **MJ:** that’s Miles

 **MJ:** he lives next to my Nonna 

**MJ:** She has that drawing on her fridge. 

**Pete:** I AM SCREAMING MJ

 **MJ:** If you came with me to visit Nonna I’m sure you could go meet him 

**MJ:** Just don’t be creepy about it, Parker he’s like 13

 **Pete:** OMGGGGGGGGG

**Pete:** My Science Child’s name is Miles 

**Pete:** And he is the cutest child to ever exist

 **Pete:** [Miles ](https://pin.it/4UZGR3W)

**Harls:** i’m a dad now

 **Gwen:** having a crisis, Harls? 

**Harry:** guess im an uncle now

**Ned:** Wait how did this all go down? 

**MJ:** Pete went with me to visit Nonna

 **MJ:** Miles was over with his mom cuz his mom helps Nonna with cooking and stuff

 **MJ:** And Pete helped Miles with his homework

 **MJ:** And I think they went to trade numbers and Pete let Miles be all like: whooooa I already have it c r a z y 

**MJ:** I promise it’s not as creepy as it sounds

 **MJ:** It was actually cute 

**MJ:** dorks 

**Ned:** awww yay

 **Gwen:** how could anything about pete be creepy

 **Gwen:** have u seen his face

 **Harls:** i know it’s perfect

 **Harry:** jfc keener keep it in ur pants


	27. Beaching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so short ugh 
> 
> Sorry guys next chapter should be a bit longer.
> 
> Enjoy the filler!

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry** : b e a c h 

**Gwen** : beach ⛱ 

**Ned** : B. E. A. C. H 

**MJ: ⛱**

**Harls** : saaaaandy beach

**Pete** : [Beach](https://pin.it/6Surxf8)

**Harry** : fuck how did u get there so fast

**MJ:** Parking is evil

**Pete** : We left at like 4am

**Harls** : peter d o e s n t sleep

**Pete** : I slept until 330am

**Harls** : and woke me up at an ungodly hour

**Harls** : i am not over it 

**Harls** : i will never be over it 

**Gwen** : get over it 

**Harls** : n E v E r

**Ned** : We found a spot!!!! 

**Gwen** : i cant wait to become a lobster 

**Harry** : i wanna be a lobster

**Pete** : I hate to kill your dream Gwen 

**Gwen** : N O 

**Gwen** : Y HAS THIS BLOOD RUINED EVERYTHING FOR ME 

**Pete** : it's really that spider's fault not the blood's

**Harry** : its okay u can blame oscorp

**Pete** : NORMAN OSBORN DID THIS TO ME AND IS INDIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU 

**Gwen** : fuck norman osborn

**Ned** : That. 

**Harls** : yeh what Gwen said 

**Harry** : god i love u all

**Pete** : Norman Osborn deserves to be dangled over a boiling vat of lava 

**Harry** : pete i love u the most

**Pete** : ❤

**Harls** : what else is new 

**Gwen** : i found harley and pete and went to go meet them

**Gwen** : and then watched harley just get w h a c k e d in the head by a frisbee that pete threw to ned 

**Gwen** : and the ensuring apology fest while harls laid on the sand 

**Harry** : goddamn it we are missing EVERYTHING 

**Ned** : There are spots like a mile away. Just walk over. 

**Harry** : yuck movement 

**MJ:** I just watched Harry try to bribe like ten people to take their spot

**MJ:** Out of pure laziness we now have a spot that cost Harry $1000. 

**MJ:** the guy thought he was joking but then Harry just whipped out his phone like "do you have venmo" 

**Harls** : damn Osborn 

**Pete** : Rich Kid actions

**Ned** : You're also rich now 

**Pete** : shut 

**Gwen** : this seems completely in character for harry osborn

**MJ:** I am weirdly impressed with him for that

**MJ:** Anyway we see you, on our way! 

**Pete** : YES MJ

**Ned** : Where is everyone?

**Harls** : MJ and i went to get taffy 

**Harry** : im happily watching pete and gwen compete to throw rocks farthest

**Harry** : oo gwen just splashed pete 

**Harry** : revenge is imminent pete hates getting water to his face

**Harry** : he threw her in the water 

**Harry** : like super far out 

**Harry** : a lady was ready to call 911 until gwen popped back up, swam back to pete, and shoved him under water

**Harry** : how many people am i going to have to bribe today i wonder 

**Harls** : probably like the whole beach

**Harry** : to be expected tbh

**MJ:** Harry, Ned, and Pete had the great idea to halfway bury a beach ball 

**MJ:** jump on it

**MJ:** and like use it as to start for back slips?

**MJ:** as usual Pete's back flips are amazing 

**Harls** : I AM MISSING THIS AND IT IS NOT FAIR 

**Harls** : GWEN HURRY UP IN THE BATHROOM 

**Gwen** : no

**MJ:** Ned does one and we all cheer for him 

**Ned** : It was my first back flip! 

**Gwen** : yay babe! 

**MJ:** And Harry goes and the thing just 

**MJ:** EXPLODES 

**MJ:** and sends sand everywhere 

**Harry** : it was horrible 

**Pete** : I'm still lahdyinx

**Harls** : Harry is my favorite disaster 

**Pete** : anyway we're at the store now getting a new ball, does anyone need anything? 

**Harls** : MORE SUNSCREEN GWEN IS A TOMATO

**Gwen** : l o b s t e r 

**Harls** : sun-dried tomato 

**Ned** : WHO IS COMING WITH ME TO GET ICE-CREAM 

**Harry** : ME 

**MJ:** ^^ 

**Gwen** : I C E C R E A M 

**Harls** : we good 

**Pete** : ^ 

**Harry** : ur going to defile peter while im gone arent u

**Harls** : 😉 

**Pete** : yes Harry he's going to defile me in front of a beach full of people 

**Harry** : I KNEW IT 

**Gwen** : kinky 

**MJ:** I never pegged you for exhibitionists 

**Harls** : obviously you were wrong MJ 

**MJ:** obviously 

**MJ:** I will never miss label you again 

**Harls** : make sure you don't 

**Harry** : WHERE IS PETER PARKER 

**Pete** : hiding

**Harry** : I WILL FIND YOU

**Pete** : I SAID I WOULD GET YOU A NEW ICE CREAM STOP THREATENING ME 

**Harry** : YOU A T E MY ICE CREAM 

**Pete** : YOU FELL ASLEEP 

**Pete** : IF I DIDN'T IT WOULD HAVE MELTED 

**Gwen** : stop shouting assholes 

**MJ:** You're both so fucking dramatic 

**Harls** : pls don't kill him Harry

**Harls** : i would miss him 

**Harry** : I D O N T C A R E 

**Harls** : no one 

**Harls** : absolutely no one 

**Harls** : Peter: "I MISS MILES" 

**Pete** : I DO 

**Harls** : just starts fucking facetiming the kid on the beach 

**Harry** : MY NEPHEW 

**MJ:** you two are such disasters 

**Ned:** OH! I wanna talk to Miles! 

**Harry** : pete and ned are on a walk so its safe now

**Harls** : for what

**Harry** : my story 

**Harls** : lmao okay

**Gwen:** d o i t

**Harry** : okay

**Harry** : so

**Harry** : one time

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : HOW THE FUCK UR PHONE IS HERE 

**Harls:** 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

**_Actual Goddess_ **

**Pete** : [Beach pic](https://pin.it/7vuQQKn)

**May:[Matt ](https://pin.it/3HFORkK)**

**Pete** : YOU'RE WITH MATT

**Pete** : HI MATT 

**May** : We do dinner around twice a month to catch up on everything 

**Pete** : this makes me so happy

**Pete** : my favorite woman and my Matt-Dad 

**May** : Aww 

**May** : He says hi and that Sir Charles misses you 

**Pete** : I'LL BE OVER TOMORROW I NEED A MATT-DAD HUG 

**May** : I'm glad you're having fun with your friends

**May** : You guys deserve it

**Pete** :❤❤❤❤

**Pete** : come along next time? 

**May** : Only if Happy can come

**Pete** : 😒

**Pete** : Fine

**May** : ❤❤❤❤ 

**Pete** : ❤❤❤❤

**May** : keep sending pictures! I love them! 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete** : Ned and Gwen are so cute I can't 

**MJ:** ^^^^ 

**Harry** : i mean 

**Harry** : me and mj are cuter 

**MJ:** ^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

**Harls** : bitch 

**Harls** : me and Pete win cutest

**MJ:** No

**Harry** : ^^

**Pete** : [Ned and Gwen (imagination is a beautiful thing)](https://pin.it/6Yob35D)

**Pete** : [Beach](https://pin.it/1YYU0TQ)

**MJ:** how are you so good at lit everything 

**Pete:** I'm not 

**Harls** : babe

**Harry** : PETER YOU'RE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU

**Harls** : STOP TRYING TO STEAL MY BOYFRIEND

**Harry** : N E V E R 

**Gwen** : those r great pics pete

**Pete** : thank

**Pete** : 🙃🙃

**Ned** : our boyz 

**Ned** : [P r e t e n d this looks like them I'm too lazy to try to edit it](https://pin.it/2oW2Ydf)

**Gwen** : awe 

**Harry** : I HATE HOW CUTE THIS IS 

**Harls** : WE ARE THE 

**Harls** : S U P E R I O R 

**Harls** : COUPLE 

**Pete** : Ned 

**Pete** : ❤😯 

**Ned** : I'm glad you like it 

**MJ:[Beach and Gwen](https://pin.it/6oPSEe7)**

**MJ:** a lone Gwen 

**MJ:** moments before Ned threw a bucket of seaweed over her 

**Pete** : the moment before disaster 

**Harls** : Gwen 

**Harls** : YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL BITCH 

**Gwen** : be still my cowboy loving heart 

**Gwen** : CUZ MY BF IS ABOUT TO DIE 

**Ned** : @Pete save me!!!! 

**Pete** : I'M ON MY WAY 

**Harry** : this is going to end badly 

**MJ:** wanna watch? 

**Harry** : y e s 

**Pete** : [MJ and Harry](https://pin.it/Wfxz5Au)

**Pete** : @MJ @Harry 

**Harry** : i 

**MJ:** How dare you capture me in love 

**Harry** : i 

**Harry** : i want this framed 

**Pete** : Done and done 

**MJ:** ~~ one for me too  ~~

**Harls** : ^ 

**Harls** : proof MJ has a heart 

**Gwen** : that was never up for debate 

**Gwen** : [Peter and Harley](https://pin.it/3Z44OhL)

**Gwen** : our 

**Gwen** : b o i s

**MJ:** I love them

**MJ:** I hate how soft that sounded 

**Harry** : get ur hands off my brother 

**Harry** : @Harls 

**Harry** : 😡😡😡😡

**Harls** : n e v e r 

**_M a y_ **

**Harry** : [Peter and Harley ](https://pin.it/3Z44OhL)

**May** : ❤ 

**May** : I'm so happy he's happy 

**Harry** : me too 

**_Science Child_ **

**Miles** : Hey! 

**Peter** : MILES 

**Miles** : can we go to lunch soon? 

**Peter** : YES 

**Miles** : yay! 

**Miles:** I drew you! 

**Peter** : what 😳 

**Miles:** [Peter](https://pin.it/1sglTw3)

**Peter** : i

**Miles** : do you like it? 

**Peter** : i 

**Peter** : Miles 

**Peter** : I'm crying

**Miles** : 😊 I'm glad you like it 

**Peter** : This is how you see me? 

**Miles** : ofc 

**Miles** : You're like

**Miles** : the best person ever 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry** : y is pete crying

**Harls** : Miles 

**MJ:** lmao 

**MJ:** lame 

**Harry** : one time i

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : NO 

**Harry** : STOP 

**Pete** : n e v e r 

**Gwen** : harley

**Harls** : what

**Gwen** : how much do u love pete 

**Gwen** : i havent heard u wax poetic in so long 

**Harls** : OMG SO MUCH GWEN 

**Harls** : he's just so p e r f e c t 

**Harls** : he's the most gorgeous thing i've ever seen 

**Harls** : and when i kiss him i feel like i can fly

**Harls** : and when i hold him i just 

**Harls** : never want to let go

**Harls** : my heart has never been this full

**Harls** : i would give anything for him to just 

**Harls** : smile

**Harls** : and he has this confidence ya know

**Harls** : keeps it hidden behind self deprecation 

**Harls:** but lets it slip every now and then 

**Harls** : cuz he KNOWS he's the smartest person in every room

**Harls** : but he also wants everyone else to feel special so he just 

**Harls** : hides it 

**Pete** : omg 

**Pete** : Harley

**Harls** : i have never liked myself much

**Harls** : but god i can't be that bad if he loves me right? 

**Pete** : I'm

**Gwen** : and wats your favorite thing he goes 

**Harls** : he just 

**Harls** : he does this little

**Harls** : no when he

**Harls** : f u c k his l i ps 

**Harls** : and when he does this thing with his 

**Harry** : NO 

**Harry** : NOPE 

**Harry:** I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR EROTICA 

  
  
  
  
  



	28. Introspection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit of a doozy. 
> 
> I'm honestly still not entirely happy with how this played out but... it's there now. 
> 
> Sorry for the emotions but things will be back to happier next chapter with the Miles and Peter lunch date.

Peter Parker was an enigma to Tony. Back when Tony had met him, when Peter was shorter and smaller and stuttered every time he saw Tony, he had been easy to understand. His motivations were easy - Peter was young, easily influenced and a people pleaser. Then he threw everything Tony had thought about him back in his face by going  _ back out _ after Tony took back his suit. He had held up a building by himself, had taken down a plane and saved the bad guy from burning in the wreckage. Peter Parker, on that day, went from  _ easily influenced  _ to stubborn. To  _ strong _ . To someone Tony had to protect. 

It was hard for him to quantify in his mind when Peter went from  _ intern _ to  _ son. _ Tony did know when he first felt it, though. It hadn't been any special day - Peter had come over after school, talking a mile a minute like he used to do when he was either nervous or excited and Tony had looked up from his work for the first time in days. He had seen Peter there - small  _ excitable _ Peter Parker - and was hit with a wave of fondness he had never felt before. For years Tony hadn't known what that feeling was. 

But then Peter had disintegrated into dust in  _ his _ hands because Tony had failed. Failed to protect him, failed to build a wall big enough to hide him behind. 

He hadn't known then, either, what the urge to give it up was from.  _ I'm sorry _ , Nebula had said, their third night on the drifting ship.  _ No parent is meant to outlive their child _ . 

_ Not my son _ , Tony had retorted with that same stubborn arrogance he always had.  _ He had parents - they're not me. _

Tony had held Morgan, though, as a freshly born baby with Pepper sleeping in the hospital bed and had  _ cried _ when he looked at her little face. They weren't happy tears. For someone so  _ smart _ , Tony had known so  _ little _ . Because that all encompassing fondness, that  _ it doesn't get any better than this _ was  _ love _ . Was pure adoration. Was Tony wishing with all of his broken, mangled and spackled back together heart that Peter was there. He would have been so good with her. 

Five years. 

Five _years_ and Tony had gone back to unhealthy habits of drinking and staying up for ungodly hours because  _ a parent wasn't meant to outlive their child.  _

He had invented time travel for one reason and one reason alone. 

The first time Tony had woken up in the hospital after everything it was to Rhodey reading the doctor's chart, Pepper snoring softly in the chair next to him, and Peter reading to Morgan with her curled up on his lap. He had felt whole. For the first time in his life. 

But the fact remained that Peter had a whole life that didn't have Tony in it. He had May and Tony had felt Peter take a part of his heart with him when he finally left to see her again. Tony had watched the two hug in the hallway outside his room. Had watched May Parker run a hand through her nephew's hair and watched Peter nuzzle into her shoulder and envied the the kiss May got to drop onto Peter's head. His son. But not. Peter belonged to May more than he belonged to Tony. 

As a child Tony had been labeled as  _ difficult _ . He was spoiled. He wasn't used to not getting what he wanted and it showed in everything he did. Tony was raised by a father that would only pay him attention when he did wrong. He was given anything that he asked for so that he would  _ go away _ . Tony, in turn, took to the uncomfortable realization that he was  _ jealous _ of someone like Matthew Murdock  _ hard.  _

Because Matthew Murdock got everything Tony wanted with Peter. He got the jokes, the one on one time, the trust. Tony used to be the one Peter would gush out, but after everything the topic of conversation shifted just so to  _ Matt taught me this really cool move _ and  _ I can't always wear the suit, right? So Matt's teaching me how to work without it and hone my senses and stuff.  _

Matthew Murdock gave Peter tools to survive and Tony gave him tools to protect. Tony was working off the theory that Peter wouldn't be Spider-Man forever. He encouraged it -  _ go to college, get a good job, meet a nice girl, get married, run my company, take my name, be the hero without the life threatening danger _ . But Peter had come back from Europe with a different plan. Whatever had happened had cemented an idea in Peter's head that Tony couldn't get him to shake. And Matthew Murdock just made that idea  _ worse _ . But maybe there was still hope because Peter came back dating that MJ girl and Tony was 90% sure that he could get Peter to quit if it meant protecting her. 

And then they split. Ended after a year of awkward hand touches and kisses that even Tony could see meant nothing. 

MIT happened, Peter cut down as Spider-Man to weekends only. His enemies ramped up, though. Doctor Ock had been terrible and then the Goblin. 

Tony declared Harry Osborn as the start of when things started going wrong. Tony used to think that Peter was very much like Tony until he met Harry. Harry who shied from affection unless it was  _ from  _ the Parkers. Harry with a black eye and bruises and self depreciating humor.  _ Harry _ was like Tony when he was young and  _ Peter _ was closer to Rhodey. Protective, capable, and strong enough to hold them both up. Peter had gotten into exactly one fight with Tony over Harry - one that was a frustrated  _ did you know _ \- about the abuse, about the pain and suffering of a boy that didn't know how to ask for help. Tony hadn't. But he should have. Norman had always been an asshole. 

But the fact that Tony hadn't noticed had been enough for Peter to push away. Just a bit more. 

And then came  _ Harley. _ Contrary to belief, Tony hadn't forgotten about him. But Harley was too much the child Tony wished he had been. Smart and capable and much too emotionally vulnerable for Tony at the time they had met. 

Tony had never seen Harley coming. 

Logic told him he shouldn't have been so shocked. In the long run he knew that the two of them meeting was bound to happen. Peter was nothing if not nosey and even if he had heard the story he would have wanted to meet the boy that had helped save Tony once upon a time. 

They  _ clicked _ in a way that Tony didn't expect. 

Tony had watched a video, once, while doing research of the kid. It had been of the Parkers - Mary and Richard that was. They had been smart, young,  _ impressive _ scientists even before Peter had been born. The video was of the two of them presenting at a conference, Mary around five months pregnant in a maternity dress and Richard the proud soon to be father. They had worked so well together it was like watching an idea come together. Where she moved he followed, where he bent she stayed strong. 

_ Like you and Pepper _ , Rhodey had said. 

No, Tony had to disagree. Because Peter and Harley had  _ fit  _ together in a way that hugged all their jagged pieces and created one whole and beautiful picture.  _ Inevitable.  _ There was a time when Tony could have easily lost Pepper forever. That time would never happen for those two. 

It wasn't a problem. Not  _ really _ . 

Tony  _ liked  _ Harley. He appreciated the way he thought problems through, enjoyed seeing the way his brain solved complex problems. 

But  _ Harley _ meant that somehow, somewhere,  _ Peter _ had grown up without Tony even noticing. Harley meant that Tony would  _ never _ get that wide eyed excitement again. Peter had been fundamentally  _ changed _ . 

So Tony had a problem. In the five years Peter had been gone, the world had gone and made his new life incredibly more difficult. Peter had lost the ability to  _ ever _ be a Stark and came back more a  _ Parker  _ than ever before. Tony hadn't seen it before, hadn't noticed how much Peter hero worshiped him until he didn't anymore.  _ He wants to make his uncle proud.  _ Murdock had told him that, after everything.  _ He doesn't think about either of us when he's making a decision. You want to understand him? Understand his motivations? Then you have to understand where he came from.  _

Tony had spent  _ weeks _ researching Benjamin Parker. Benjamin Parker the  _ police officer.  _ He had hacked into security cameras of the day Benjamin had died, had watched for the first time and seen just how  _ young _ he was. He hadn't even had any greying hair yet. He had been at a corner store, it had been raining, and he had found Peter there. "What are you doing here?" Ben had asked and he had sounded different in Tony's mind. Tony had warped him to sound more like his own father - demanding, cold, bothered. Instead Ben was concerned, worried, and the angry that only came from a place of love. Before Morgan Tony would have been on Peter's side for the defensive, angry and  _ childish  _ reaction. 

They had fought, the way that Tony  _ never _ fought with his own parents. But the way Morgan fought with him over a bedtime or an extra juicebox. The  _ go to your room _ fight. The  _ listen to me I'm your adult _ fight. The  _ I love you let me protect you _ fight. Tony could see the moment Peter registered the robber, and he could see the ease of which Ben caught the look on his face and willingly blocked him from view. 

Because Peter had been  _ his child  _ in a way he had never been Tony's. Tony hadn't held him while he woke up crying from a nightmare, hadn't sang Italian lullabies, hadn't kissed skinned knees or taught him how to use his inhaler. No, Benjamin Parker had done that. Benjamin Parker had taught him how to tie his shoes, had brought him camping every summer, had worked long, hard hours to pay for science camp and doctor's appointments and never  _ once _ told Peter to call him dad. Benjamin Parker comforted with hugs and kisses and words of wisdom and raised a bloody, shaking and strong hand to his  _ thirteen year old _ nephew's face and  _ smiled  _ as he died from a bullet meant for a frantic shop owner.  _ With great power comes great responsibility.  _ Something Peter had told Tony that Ben had said back when Tony had just started out. When  _ vigilante _ was a word full of poison. Ben Parker hadn't taught  _ hate  _ like Howard Stark. 

Benjamin Parker would have been happy and proud even if his heart clenched with worry every time Peter put on the suit. He wouldn't approve of Tony's handling of things, he wouldn't have even allowed Tony to be in his child's life. Matthew Murdock reminded Peter of _Ben,_ not of everything Tony wanted to be for him. Murdock _hugged_ when it was needed and said, easily, _good job_ without having to mask it in gifts (a suit, a trip, Harley, a _company)_. Murdock didn't know Peter the eager teenager, he knew Peter the _leader._ Murdock had never tried to take the place of man that had died with his child's name on his lips.

_ He's the best of us _ , Tony had said to the other Avengers. 

_ You're a good dad _ , Peter had said to  _ him _ . To Tony. 

_ I just want to keep you safe.  _

"You're never going to stop, are you?" Peter had heard him coming, Tony knew it from the set of the kid's shoulders before he even entered the room. Harley hadn't, though and he, instead, jumped at Tony's voice.

They had been spending time together under the pretense of working and Tony had given Peter as much time as he could afford without driving himself insane.  _ Spiralling _ , Pepper called it. Tony fixated on problems and just kept working at them until he couldn't anymore. 

He didn't want his relationship with Peter to be one that he had to scrap. 

Peter looked older in that room, wearing slacks and a dress shirt pushed up strong forearms. He had been leaning over Harley before Tony had come in, hair just a bit slicked back and typing at something on Harley's computer. He looked like  _ Richard _ there. Like the young scientist standing next to his wife in front of that podium giving a presentation. The hand Harley was resting on Peter's back seemed unintentional, an unconscious gesture while he watched him work.  _ He's the smartest person I've ever met _ , Tony had rumiated once to May. 

Harley had known the confrontation was coming between the two of them. He had heard both sides of the conversation, had warned Tony in a quiet voice that he had to tread carefully if he didn't want Peter to break off ties completely. "I used to want you to stop, you know? Grow up and leave all of this behind." The  _ this _ was emphasized with a wave of his hand, was referring to the life that had given Tony so much grief and frustration over the years. 

A curl fell into Peter's brown eyes that Tony used to think were so much like his own but realized  _ now _ belonged to Mary Parker. That stubbornness he saw there, though. Oh no that was all Tony. 

Harley kept his hand on the small of Peter's back, unworded support between the two, and pursed his own lips to keep himself quiet. "Tony-" 

Tony cut him off with a, "Please let me talk." 

He felt  _ old _ looking at the two of them. Harley with his blonde hair and big blue eyes that looked up to Tony, once that now towered above him. Peter with his sharp jawline and the scar on his left wrist from an injury that had nearly killed him. Peter didn't look like he wanted to, and Tony would have let him walk away if he wanted to. 

But Peter Parker had been raised on  _ decency  _ and  _ mercy _ and  _ kindness _ . So, instead, he crossed his arms, jerked out his chin, and waited. 

"I'm sorry." It was hard to say. It felt like Tony was tearing out another part of his heart and throwing it at Peter's feet for him to pick up. Tony had only ever apologized,  _ really apologized,  _ to Rhodey and Pepper. "I overstepped. I… Peter  _ when _ did you grow up?" 

Harley looked away but Peter kept his eyes steady on Tony's own. "I  _ trust  _ you, Peter." Because Tony did. Tony trusted Peter with his family, with his legacy, with his  _ life  _ and with the  _ world. _ Peter Parker was going to be  _ better  _ than anything Tony had dreamed of because Peter wasn't his dream to have. He was the dream of May and Benjamin Parker. The legacy of Richard and Mary. "I just… I just  _ want  _ to keep you  _ safe. _ " 

"That's not your place." Peter said with a resigned anger that made his shoulders droop. 

"I know." Tony said softly. 

"You said you'd work on it." 

"My dad wasn't that great with me-" 

"Stop making  _ excuses _ ." 

"They're not excuses." 

"I'm not a  _ child. _ " 

"You're  _ my  _ child!" Tony exploded and ignored the look of warning Harley sent his way. "Don't you get it?" 

" _ Please _ ," Peter said with stiff sarcasm. "Enlighten me." 

"I wanted you to give this up." Tony gestured wildly. "I want  _ more than anything _ for you to not have this life." 

"This is  _ my  _ life, Tony you don't get to decide that." 

"You are  _ my  _ child." He said again, pleading with words he didn't have. "But I am  _ not _ your father." 

Peter stopped then, his mouth open and eyes confused. "What?" 

"Your father, Richard Parker," Peter flinched back into Harley's waiting hand. "Was a bioengineering  _ genius _ . He wrote chemical formulas in his sleep and your web fluid is based off of  _ his _ design to create a more sustainable, biological bandage. He did that because he asked his three year old son what he wanted for his birthday and his son, who had just fallen and skinned his knee, said he wanted everyone to have kisses like his daddy's to make everything better." Tony felt as though he were admitting a painful fault in his own upbringing. "Your father wrote you a letter on the day you were born to be read at your eighteenth birthday, and another when you graduated college, and when you got married and crossed every milestone in your life  _ just in case _ he wasn't there to celebrate it by your side. Your  _ second _ father, Benjamin Parker taught you to stand up to your bullies, to value family above everything else and to keep wearing that heart of yours on your sleeve because even if it  _ hurt  _ it was worth it to  _ love _ in the end." 

He saw Peter then, really allowed himself to  _ see  _ him. Pressed up against Harley's side with an arm firm around his waist. Saw the curl of his hair, the gold around his eyes, the way he held his chin with a confidence that he never would have had without everything that happened to him. "You're my son, Pete. But I don't  _ get  _ to be your father. Not like that. And… I'm sorry I ever tried." 

" _ Don't…-"  _ Peter cut himself off, ran a hand down his face and blocked his eyes from view. 

"The world never needed Ironman." Tony shrugged. "It always needed  _ you. _ " Harley nodded his silent approval and Tony didn't know why that made him carry on but it did. "I'm sorry I hurt you, kid. And I can't promise I won't overstep again but… I defer to you now. It's time for this old man to officially retire." 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry** : let today be the day that i announce that i 

**Harry** : harold elizabeth osborn

**Gwen:** elizabeth? 

**Harry** : have beaten nedthanial lincoln log leeds 

**Ned** : NOT my name 

**Harry** : at mario kart 

**Ned** : ONCE YOU DID THAT ONCE 

**Harry** : IM SORRY I CANT HEAR U OVER MY SUPERIOR SKILLS 

**Pete** : Idk how I feel

**Harry** : about my win? 

**Harry** : it should be p r i d e

**Pete** : no just 

**Harry:** u ok? 

**Pete** : Idk 

**Pete** : idk

**Pete** : I've forgiven Tony I think 

**MJ:** Is that a good thing?

**Pete** : idk 

**Harry** : its ok not to know pete

**Harry** : u kno that rite 

**Pete** : Yeah yeah 

**Pete** : I just 

**Pete** : Idk he said he wasn't my dad and I

**Pete** : idk how i feel

**Ned** : You want to come play Mario Kart with us? 

**Pete** : yeh 

**Gwen** : what actually happened

**Harls:** Nothing bad

**Harls** : I mean things had to be said and they were 

**Harls** : Peter and Tony aren't perfect 

**Harls** : but like 

**Harls** : they'll be okay 

**MJ:** He knows if he hurts our boy again he dies right? 

**MJ:** Like I don't care about making a child fatherless if he does that again. 

**Harls** : i don't think it will happen again 

**Harls** : Tony learned his place now 

**Harls** : he's too scared to lose Pete 

**MJ:** But just in case 

**Harls** : yeh no harm in telling him again 

**MJ:** Good

**MJ:** You in, Gwen? 

**Gwen** : y e s 

  
  
  



	29. Heroes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Miles lunch date is so s m a l l I'm sorry I wanted it to go longer but oof writing Miles is hard for me.

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** good morning 

**Harls** : hi

 **Pete** : Hi!!

 **Pete** : Do you want muffins or bagels? 

**Harls** : both 

**Harls** : i am UPSET

 **Pete** : I got bagels

 **Pete** : Why? 

**Pete** : **😶**

 **Harls:** how dare i 

**Harls** : wake up

 **Harls:** without my personal space heater

 **Harls** : spider monkey 

**Harls** : spider parker

 **Harls** : human disaster 

**Harls** : Peter Parker

 **Pete** : It was eight a.m.

 **Pete** : You know I can't sleep past eight 

**Harls:** you went to bed at f o u r 

**Harls** : how are you even 

**Harls** : functioning

 **Pete** : I went for a run with Captain Sam 

**Harls:** fuck captain sam

 **Harls** : i want my boyfriend

 **Harls** : 😟😟😟😟

 **Pete** : You're so whiney pre-coffee 

**Harls** : come homeeeee

 **Pete:** 🤣 

**Pete** : I'm like five minutes out

 **Harls** : make it t w o

 **Pete** : lmao okay babe

 **Harls** : ❤❤❤❤

 **Harls** : did you get strawberry cream cheese? 

**Pete** : Of course

 **Pete** : What kind of boyfriend do you think I am? 

**Harls:** the best kind

 **Harls** : obviously

 **Pete** : Obviously

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls** : Pete's so excited to take Miles to lunch it is 

**Harls** : the cutest thing 

**Harls** : i have ever seen

 **Harry** : r u going w

 **Harls** : i wish

 **Harls** : nah 

**Harls** : i have a stupid board meeting 

**Harry** : fuuuuuuuuuck 

**Harry** : so do i 

**Pete** : Harry how do you never know when your meetings are? 

**Harry** : my secretary has known me since i was 2

 **Harry:** she still calls me sugar plum

 **Gwen** : s u g a r p l u m 

**Pete** : I love Joyce

 **Harry** : o yeh joyce is the bomb

 **Harry** : but she's so bad at keeping a calendar 

**Pete** : Don't blame Joyce

 **Pete** : For your failures 

**Harry** : 😔

 **MJ:** Hey no

 **MJ:** Only I can make Harry make that face

 **Pete:** oop sorry

 **Pete:** You right you right

 **Pete:** Harry you do no wrong

 **Harry:** 😊

 **Harry:** i smell that lie

 **Gwen:** u s m e l l the lie

 **Gwen:**????

 **Harry:** yeh

 **Gwen:** wat do lies smell like

 **Harry:** vanilla

 **MJ:** How did I end up with you?

 **Harry:** i have no idea 

**Harry:** i ask myself that question every day tbh

 **Harry:** like how did i ever get so lucky

 **Pete:** Because I didn’t get lucky with MJ

 **Harls:** jfc Pete

 **Harls:** Harry was trying to have a serious moment here

 **Pete:** lmao no he wasn’t

 **Harry:** lmao no i wasnt

 **Pete:** ^^^

 **Pete:** In all seriousness, though

 **Pete:** Harry, you deserve the world

 **Pete:** And so does MJ

 **Pete:** And I am so 

**Pete:** Overwhelmingly h a p p y 

**Pete:** That you two found that world in each other

 **Gwen:** y is pete so s o f t 

**Gwen:** and p u r e

 **Pete:** But if either of you steal my fucking cookies again 

**Pete:** I will have to web you both to a wall for five hours 

**Harls:** boom there it is

**Harls:** Pete and i are in a chat with a bunch of teenagers 

**Harls:** and it’s like reeeeeeal weird 

**Harls:** they talk about s e x 

**Harls:** and they’re like 12

 **Pete:** The youngest person there is 16

 **Harls:** i didn’t even know who i was at 16

 **Harls:** and they’re out there saving the world and shit

 **Pete:** I mean

 **Pete:** 🤷‍♀️

 **Harry:** yeh pete isnt the person to talk to bout this harls

 **Ned:** Pete had his life goals on the wall by 12. 

**MJ:** I worked on a project with him at 15 where we had to make up our ideal future and write out a goal sheet 

**MJ:** And Peter had his extremely detailed 

**MJ:** And like somehow actually has implemented most of the steps? 

**Gwen:** back tf up

 **Gwen:** y r u 2 in a chat w teens

 **Pete:** I ask that daily

 **Harls:** they’re pretty fun actually

 **Harls:** weird af but fun

 **Pete:** I worry daily about at least one of them

 **Harls:** ^^

 **Harry:** how many children am i an uncle to now

 **Pete:** Only Miles is my child

 **Harry:** dont lie like this pete

 **Ned:** He’s already adopted all of them hasn’t he, @Harls? 

**Harls:** i think i was the one that accidentally adopted the ya twins 

**Ned:** YOU’RE IN A CHAT WITH THE YOUNG AVENGERS?! 

**Pete:** Ned no

 **Ned:** BRB HAVE TO HACK THAT

 **Pete:** NED NO

 **Harls:** let them have their horribly kept secret ids

 **Harls:** dont hurt my bbies

 **Harls:** but i have never met a more tragic gay than me

 **Harls:** until i met wiccan

 **Pete:** oof

 **MJ:** The most tragic gay to ever tragic gay

 **MJ:** Is Harry Osborn

 **Harry:** mood

 **MJ:** The boy that 

**MJ:** if he were gay

 **MJ:** or even bi

 **MJ:** Would have stolen your boyfriend long before he met you

 **Harry:** Michelle Jones is the love my straight life

 **Harry:** Peter Parker is my husband in at least one universe 

**Harls:** in each universe do i murder you to get my boy back

 **Harry:** i mean

 **Harry:** in at least 1 im sure it happens

 **Ned:** I think there is at least one universe where we are all in some weird polyamorous relationship

 **Gwen:** u mean not this 1

 **Gwen:** cuz lesbehonest

 **Gwen:** get mj and i drunk enough and we might do anything

 **MJ:** I wouldn’t even have to get drunk

 **Gwen:** and like harry and peter have to have at least kissed once

 **Pete:** We do not talk of that day

 **Harry:** Never Again

 **Harls:** gwen and i kissed once

 **MJ:** Ned and Pete kissed in high school 

**MJ:** Spin the bottle with acada team

 **Harry:** i kissed Ned when he told me he hacked into normans jail cell so it rick rolled him every morning

 **Ned:** I kissed Harley to hide him from an angry Pepper after Harley avoided a board meeting to get ice cream with me

 **Pete:** W h a t 

**Harry:** oop protective Pete

 **Harls:** YOU DON’T GET TO BE MAD WHEN YOU MADE OUT WITH HARRY

 **Pete:** That was ONE time

 **Harls:** I LOVE NEDTHANIAL LIONHEART LEEDS

 **Harls:** but 10/10 would not kiss again

 **Ned:** Yeah man it was w e i r d

 **Ned:** I was very aware that I was kissing Peter’s boyfriend

 **Gwen:** pete and i are the only ones that havent kissed

 **Harls:** oh good

 **Harls:** there’s at least one person i don’t have to share my boyfriend with

 **Pete:** GWEN WHERE ARE YOU

 **Gwen:** at mj’s aprt y

 **Pete:** I’M COMING OVER

 **Harls:** PETER NO

 **Ned:** DON’T DO THIS TO ME

 **Ned:** YOU KNOW I DON’T COMPARE TO YOU

 **Harry:** no wait

 **Harry:** ned ur perfect 

**MJ:** Ned 

**MJ:** We would be nothing without you

 **Pete:** DETOUR TO NED’S 

**Pete:** I NEED TO HUG HIM

 **Harls:** JFC PARKER

 **Harls:** DON’T TEXT AND SWING 

**Pete:** I DO WHAT I WANT

 **Harry:** pls dont die

**Gwen:** i think peter stole my boyfriend

 **Gwen:** [Pretend this ISN'T from a press tour](https://pin.it/1FD0yEV)

 **MJ:** Peter’s really all up in here stealing everyone’s bf huh

 **Harls:** i could never tie peter down huh

 **Pete:** Noooo babe 

**Pete:** I am all yours

 **Pete:** I belong to no one else

 **Harry:** except me

 **Ned:** Me

 **MJ:** I mean kinda me

 **Harry:** and matt

 **Pete:** Ew no

 **Pete:** Leave my Matt-Dad out of this

 **Gwen:** m a t t d a d 

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Pete:** You know I really only want to be with you right? 

**Harls:** Ofc

 **Harls:** i know you’re all just playing around

 **Pete:** Good cuz

 **Pete:** Like the thought of you even thinking

 **Pete:** That I might 

**Pete:** idk

 **Pete:** Ever leave you

 **Pete:** It just hurts

 **Pete:** I can’t see myself without you Harley Joseph Keener

 **Pete:** And I don’t want to be in any universe where I’m not with you

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls:** would you rather be 

**Harls:** a bath or a toilet

 **Harry:** this seems more interesting than my meeting

 **Harls:** where do you think i’m sending this from

 **Gwen:** bath

 **Gwen:** i have enough of my own shit in my life i dont need anyone elses

 **Ned:** ^^

 **Ned:** At least with a bath you get clean water in you eventually

 **MJ:** How would we ever know if we were a robot? 

**Harls:** the m a t r i x 

**Harls:** i mean we’re all robots already aren’t we

 **Harry:** this requires entirely too much thought

 **Harls:** no like

 **Harls:** we effectively work within a program 

**Ned:** WAIT YES

 **Ned:** We’re all just really complicated machines

 **Ned:** I’ve said this before

 **Gwen:** he’s so excited he’s like v i b r a t i n g 

**Ned:** There’s actually a lot of similarities with our brain and a computer hard drive 

**Harry:** tuning out of this conversation

 **Gwen:** i dont want to have an existential crisis today tnx

 **Harry:** one time

 **Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

 **Harry:** WHERE DID U EVEN COME FROM

**Harls:** what is the absolute worst name you could give your child

 **MJ:** Harold

 **Harry:** n o r m a n 

**Ned:** Albus Severus 

**Gwen:** dick

 **Harls:** MJ is just so c.o.l.d sometimes, huh

 **Harry:** she be like that sometimes

 **Gwen:** mj’s attitude is my aesthetic 

**MJ:** ^^

**Harry:** pete just disappears as quick as he shows up 

**Harls:** that’s how he do

 **MJ:** Quick Harry summon him forth again

 **Harry:** ONE TIME

 **Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

 **Harry:** there he is

 **Gwen:** y even

 **Harls:** don’t bother him he’s at lunch with Miles

 **Harry:** WAIT I WANT TO BE AT LUNCH WITH MILES

 **MJ:** Harry you are in a meeting

 **MJ:** And then we’re going to lunch

 **Harry:** i just want food

 **Ned:** That right there is a m o o d

 **Gwen:** this is y i always have snacks

 **Harls:** i’ve been making eye contact with Tony every time i sneak a handful of peanuts

 **Harls:** he is trying very hard not to laugh

 **Harls:** i think he’s going to break soon

 **Harry:** y cant i be in harley’s meeting

 **Harry:** it sounds so much more fun

 **Harls:** idk man why you gotta own your own company

 **Gwen:** what does oscorp even do

 **Harry:** we’re a chemical manufacturing firm 

**Harry:** we’re currently working on research to help veterans w ptsd 

**Harry:** and making more efficient and smooth prosthetics 

**Gwen:** i didnt expect that answer 

**Gwen:** but like d a m n harry

 **Gwen:** u really be out here talking shit about being a bad business owner

 **MJ:** ^^

 **MJ:** Under Harry Oscorp has doubled its revenue and increased public opinion at least 50% since norman tore it down

 **Harry:** i do not understand business

 **MJ:** You have a masters in business 

**Ned:** l i a r

 **Harls:** i am friends with self deprecating idiots only 

**Harry:** @pete

 **Harry:** how’s lunch w miles

 **Pete:** [Miles ](https://pin.it/7JUZKXP)

**Pete:** Beautiful

 **Harls:** my son is adorable

 **MJ:** Have you talked to his parents about adopting him? 

**Harls:** MJ we do not need permission

 **Ned:** That’s called kidnapping

 **Pete:** I would never

 **Pete:** I would n e v e r do anything to upset this face

 **Harry:** Pete is a soft dad

 **MJ:** God Peter would make a great dad one day

 **Harls:** DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED 

**Gwen:** harley already has names picked out

 **Pete:** Wait you do

 **Harls:** lil Benji Parker 

**Harls:** and lil miss Evelyn Parker 

**Harls:** will be lucky to have a Peter to gush over them

 **Pete:** i

 **MJ:** Stop being so cute all over my coffee

 **MJ:** It’s disgusting

 **Harry:** i cant wait to meet my future baby niece and nephew

Miles had heroes his whole life - his father was the biggest one for the longest amount of time. A police officer in one of the worst districts in the city, Miles watched his dad strap on a badge and thought, _one day that’ll be me_ . But then he got older, then he saw what was on TV and he though, _oh_ , _I don’t have to wait to be a hero_. Only he did. Because he was only three when the Avengers fought a war in New York City. And he was only five when they fought one in Sokovia. Only seven when Spider-Man showed up in New York. 

To say Miles _idolized_ Spider-Man would be a lie. Miles wanted to _be_ him. 

It was hard to describe _why_. Spider-Man was young, he was quick witted and always had a quip ready even in the hardest time. He was strong and confident and never afraid of anything. Miles looked at Spider-Man and saw himself, or, rather, the stronger, better, and well rounded person he always wanted to be. 

His dad said it was dumb. _Spider-Man is just another costumed vigilante that would rather work outside of the law instead of with it to make my job more difficult._ His mother said it was sweet but that Miles didn’t have to put on a costume and fight crime to be her hero. 

Spider-Man stopped being his hero the moment Miles first heard about Peter Parker. 

Well, no, okay that wasn’t exactly true. Spider-Man was still _really cool_ . But Peter Parker was a _kid_ and he somehow managed to change the world. 

Miles wasn’t a person big on science, but even he understood the impact of a vaccine at thirteen. He had celebrated a birthday in quarantine. Had been scared day in and day out that his mom, a nurse, wouldn’t come back home one day. That his dad, the police officer that couldn’t just stop working, would get sick because people were still being dumb and going out. Miles hadn’t even been able to _see_ his parents for months. He had stayed with his Grandma, and Nana was great, but she didn’t sing Feliz Cumplianos like his mom did. Didn’t give him a big hug before school like his dad, and didn’t bring him to the art museum like his uncle. So, yeah, when the word _vaccine_ floated on the television screen Miles had been elated. 

And then months later, when Tony Stark and Harry Osborn both got on TV to announce the birth of a new company spearheaded by the creator of said vaccine, Miles was interested. He was stunned, with the rest of the world, when he heard that Peter Parker was only twenty-two when he invented the life changing drug. Was only twenty-three when he got his own company. Miles did the basic research that he gave any of his heroes - Peter Parker grew up in Queens, lost his parents at five, then lost his uncle at thirteen. He had the same sort of story as Miles, in that sense - his uncle had been a police officer, his aunt was a nurse. Miles even asked his father if he had ever heard about Benjamin Parker. _I worked with him on a case, once. Back when your mom was pregnant. He was a nice guy, and wouldn't stop talking about his kid._ Miles wondered if Peter had ever been bullied, had ever struggled in school or not fit in like Miles did. 

And then Miles _met_ him. 

Peter Parker was actually a lot nicer than Miles had expected. He explained science in a way that Miles appreciated, soft and gentle and never accepted Miles’ apologies for bothering him. Peter asked about Miles’ day, never made his problems seem trivial, and showed Miles pictures of _his art_ hanging in his office. He laughed at Miles’ horrible jokes, showed Miles his pictures, made sure Miles _knew_ that you could have both - the life you always wanted _and_ be kind. 

He was the embodiment of everything that was wrong with the _nice guys finish last_ routine. 

Peter brought him flowers to give to his mother at lunch. “For letting me steal you for the afternoon.” 

His mother actually liked Peter; she thought it was a great idea that Miles have a mentor that had seemingly been right where Miles was himself. His father had been harder to convince, but Peter had invited all of them over for dinner just a few weeks before with him and his boyfriend, Harley, and his dad hadn’t been able to hold onto the suspicion long. 

They didn’t talk about much, but whenever Miles talked Peter listened with rapt, full attention. “You’re like the coolest person I know.” Miles said after a moment, while Peter sketched out an explanation of a molecule for Miles to study off of later. 

Peter’s pencil stuttered on the paper and he looked up. Miles wished he had the kind of smile Peter did - the kind that lit up an entire room. “Don’t sell yourself short, Miles. You’re pretty cool yourself.” 


	30. Lucius Cashmere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the plot picks up again. 
> 
> Shout out to Gabby for the idea.

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls** : Gwendolyn 

**Harls** : remember when we were sophomores 

**Harls** : and we stole your ex's dog 

**Harls:** @Gwen 

**Gwen** : OMG FRANKIE THE PUP

**Gwen** : we were so d r u n k 

**Harls** : Y O U were so drunk

**Harls** : i was just along for the ride 

**MJ** : Tell me more

**Harry** : pls

**Pete** : H a r r y 

**Harry** : wat 

**Pete** : you are standing next to chemicals p a y a t t e n t i p n 

**Harry** : y

**Harry** : r u going to blow me up

**Pete** : I don't appreciate this responsibility 

**Gwen** : ok ok so

**Gwen** : one time 

**Gwen** : i bought my ex 

**Gwen** : dudes name was erik 

**Gwen** : and he was super h o t 

**Gwen** : not like Ned hot but german 

**Harls** : i fucking h a t e d erik 

**Pete** : Like you hate Bryan? 

**Harls** : fucking Bryan 

**Harls** : 😡

**Gwen** : so i was w erik for like a yr 

**Gwen:** and got him Frankie as a birthday present cuz im the best gf ever 

**Ned** : A truer sentence has never been uttered 

**Harry** : WAIT

**Gwen** : and i loved Frankie 

**Gwen** : cutest little weiner dog ever 

**Harry** : HOW COME GWEN CAN SAY ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : WHAT THE SHIT PARKER 

**Harry** : UR NOT EVEN W UR PHONE 

**Harry** : I CAN S E E UR PHONE 

**Harry** : ON UR DESK 

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP 

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Gwen** : anyway so i broke up with erik cuz he was a dipshit 

**Gwen** : but missed Frankie 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP 

**Harry** : H 

**Harry:** O

**Harry** : W

**Gwen** : and i got s h i t f a c e d at a bar and called harley to pick me up cuz im not dumb enough to drive 

**MJ:** Why did you get shitfaced 

**Gwen** : finals

**MJ:** Mood 

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harry** : ONE TIME 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Gwen** : and i looked at him when he got there and was like "i miss frankie" 

**Gwen** : and harley goes "lol just take him back u bought him" 

**Gwen:** so i did 

**Harls** : gwen broke a window 

**Harls** : for no reason 

**Harls** : because she had a spare key to his dorm

**Harls** : used the spare key to get into the dorm

**Harls** : just scooped up Frankie

**Harry** : I HATE YOU PARKER

**Harls** : and left

**MJ:** Where is Frankie now? 

**Gwen** : how nice of u to ask 

**Gwen** : he lives at home with my parents bc he fell in love with their cat Trisha 

**MJ** : lol I love that we all just ignored Harry's breakdown 

**Ned** : 🤷♂️ 

**Ned:** It was inevitable lbh 

**Harls** : he says "I hate you Parker" like anyone is gonna believe him 

**MJ:** ^^

**Ned** : So anyway, Harley how's your day going?

**Harls** : eh 

**Harls:** it's going 

**MJ:** This bitch 

**MJ:** We're getting pedicures 

**Harls** : ^^^^^ 

**Harls** : it's weirdly nice 

**Ned** : Can I join you guys for lunch? 

**MJ:** You know 

**MJ:** You don't always have to ask before you join people Ned 

**Harls** : c o m e 

**Harls** : where's @gwen? 

**Gwen** : getting my ass kicked by a literal assassin 

**MJ:** Kick him in the balls for me 

**Gwen** : ill try 

**MJ:** How many of you know the Peter fake id story? 

**Harls** : THERE'S A PETER FAKE ID STORY?! 

**MJ:** lmao okay

**Ned** : I've heard it 

**Ned** : and it's pretty great 

**Harry** : is this the story of lucius cashmere

**Harls** : w h a t 

**MJ:** Harry summon him from the depths 

**Harry** : no 😟

**MJ:** Please? 

**Harry** : fjfjodnduxudj 

**Harry** : one time 

**Pete** : AT BAND CAMP

**Harls** : lmao you know that doesn't summon him right? 

**Harry** : WHAT DO U MEAN 

**Harls** : lmao

**Ned** : Don't tell him 

**Harls** : @Pete 

**Pete** : yo 

**Harls** : who is lucius cashmere 

**Pete** : NO

**Pete** : MJ I BEG YOU PLEASE 

**MJ:** SO 

**Pete** : HAVE MERCY 

**Harry** : MJ knows no mercy 

**Harls** : I'M SO EXCITED 

**MJ:** This is the story of Daisy Switchblade and Lucius Cashmere 

**MJ:** I wanted a tattoo right 

**Pete** : 😭

**MJ** : this was back when we were dating 

**MJ:** aka 

**MJ** : the most awkward years of my life 

**MJ:** And I wanted a tattoo cuz they're hot

**Gwen** : a c c u r a t e

**MJ:** so i told Peter this cuz he was my bf 

**MJ:** and also BFF so we spent a lot of time together 

**Ned** : Yeah as the nerdest kids and nerd school the three of us stuck together 

**Pete** : ^ 

**MJ:** So Peter was all "Let's do it!" 

**MJ:** And we found some tattoos online 

**MJ:** I still have the pics 

**MJ:** [MJ's tattoo ](https://pin.it/LIRyQhk)

**MJ:** mine ^ 

**Gwen** : this is so u 

**MJ:[Spider tattoo](https://pin.it/5ZChd2f)**

**MJ:** Peter's ^ 

**Harls** : babe 

**Harls** : that is so not subtle 

**Pete** : Don't judge me I was 16 😭

**Harls** : s i x t e e n 

**MJ:** That's the crutch, right?

**MJ:** I'm only like two months younger than Peter so we're both very much NOT of age for a tattoo

**MJ:** My parents would n e v e r consent 

**MJ:** And May would just laugh at Peter 

**MJ:** so we're like ok fake ID time

**MJ:** only like where do you even g e t a fake ID 

**Gwen** : valid question 

**Harry** : if ur rich u just know people 

**MJ:** Only Pete wasn't in contact with you back then

**Harry** : unfortunately 

**Harry** : 🙃

**Harry** : i would have broken u 2 up

**MJ:** Yeah sure hon 

**MJ:** So Peter's all "let's google it!" 

**MJ:** On a school computer 

**Ned** : Meanwhile I am literally sitting next to them 

**Pete** : We didn't get caught though! 

**Ned** : Somehow 

**Ned** : How did you never get caught for even making web fluid at school?

**Pete** : Man idk 

**MJ:** Peter was the teacher's pet 

**MJ:** They ignored everything he ever did wrong 

**Harls** : sounds right 

**MJ:** So we literally find a website that makes fake IDs 

**Harls** : that can't be l e g a l 

**MJ:** They're n o t 

**MJ** : That's the whole point of a fake ID 

**MJ:** But we're like lol we're ordering 

**MJ:** So we do 

**MJ** : And we get them like two weeks later 

**MJ** : And I am officially now Miss Daisy Switchblade 

**Harry** : this is such a long story 

**MJ:** And Peter is Lucius Cashmere 

**Harls** : mister cashmere your car is here 

**Pete:** DON'T EVEN KEENER 

**MJ:** We find a sketchy as fuck tattoo parlor that's like $30 for a small tattoo 

**MJ:** Make an appointment 

**MJ:** and I'm like cool I'll meet you there 

**MJ:** only when I get there

**MJ:** Peter never shows 

**Harls** : noooooo 

**Harry** : oh god 

**Harry** : ive never heard this story in full

**MJ** : So I'm a little worried

**MJ** : Because he's literally fucking Spider-Man anything could have happened

**MJ:** So I'm calling and texting him and he's not answering 

**MJ** : So I'm worried but I also really want this tattoo

**MJ:** So I go inside 

**MJ:** And get the tattoo 

**Gwen** : U HAVE THE TATTOO

**MJ:** lmao yeh

**MJ:** It's on my hip

**Harry** : can confirm 

**MJ:** It got super infected and looks horrible now but 16 year old me was pretty pumped 

**MJ** : So I get the tattoo, look at my phone and see that Peter's texted me 

**MJ** : so I'm happy cuz he's alive 

**MJ:** But all he said was

**Pete** : MJ don't be mad 😔

**Harls** : w h a t d i d y o u d o 

**MJ:** So ofc now I'm mad 

**MJ** : My boyfriend just stood me up on a tattoo appointment 

**MJ** : So I'm all 

**MJ:** where the fuck are you 

**MJ:** And Peter just goes 

**Pete** : Petsmart 😔😔😔😔

**Gwen** : U BEAUTIFUL DUMBASS 

**Harls** : PETER YOU DIDN'T 

**Pete** : YOU HAVE TO BE 18 TO HOLD THE PUPPIES 

**Harls** : i am HOLLERING y'all 

**Harls** : 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

**Harls** : the LOOK on his face right now 

**Harry** : P I C 

**Harls** : I'M LAUGHING TOO HADZ

**MJ:** THIS BITCH

**MJ:** DITCHED ME 

**MJ:** TO HOLD PUPPIES 

**Pete** : I adopted a puppy though! 

**MJ:** May wouldn't let him keep it 

**Pete** : She was very confused

**Harry** : wat did u do with the dog

**Pete** : She lives with Thor 

**Pete** : And is the Princess of Asgard 

**Pete** : @Harls

**Pete:** Miles drew you

**Pete** : [Harley](https://pin.it/2Yk9b4r)

**Harls** : I AM CRYING IN A MEETING WITH PEPPER NOW PETER 

**Harls** : HOW DID WE DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE MILES 

**_Gwendy_ **

**Gwen** : hey i have a q 

**Pete** : 👎 no 

**Gwen** : srsly

**Pete** : oof okay

**Pete** : what's up

**Gwen** : don't freak out 

**Pete:** Ominous 

**Gwen** : so

**Gwen** : [Jessica](https://pin.it/2A6ZHOm)

**Pete** : is that

**Gwen** : pretty sure 

**Pete** : fuck 

**Gwen:** she hasnt done anything

**Pete** : Are you safe?

**Gwen:** yeh yeh 

**Gwen:** isnt she on our side now

**Pete** : Pretty sure she's only ever been on your side 

  
  



	31. Pineapples

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry** : can we talk about pineapples

**Pete** : No

**Harls** : i'm allergic 

**Harls** : the word makes me itch

**Pete** : Harry makes me itch 

**Harry** : rude 

**Ned** : Pineapples. 🍍 

**MJ:** Why

**Gwen** : y not

**Harry** : ^ 

**Harry** : y r they so prickly

**Harry** : and yellow 

**Pete** : Why do you exist

**Harls** : ouch

**Harls** : let the man live 

**MJ:** S l a u g h t e r him 

**Pete** : No? 

**Pete** : Slaughter the pineapples

**Harls** : murder them all

**Gwen** : google says pineapples use thorns to protect themselves until theyre ripe

**Gwen** : ????? 

**Harry** : so the thorns

**Harry** : r like 

**Harry** : a painful chastity belt

**Gwen** : yes 

**Pete** : No

**Pete** : Harry what

**Pete** : Just

**Pete** : W h a t 

**Harls** : he said all of that TO his phone btw 

**Ned** : Where is he wrong though? 

**Harls** : Ned no

**Harry** : Ned yes 

**Gwen** : babe yes 

**MJ:** Do I have to participate in this conversation 

**Harry** : y e s 

**Pete** : WHY CAN'T I MUTE THIS CONVERSATION NED 

**Ned** : Pineapples are a very important conversation 

**Harls** : as someone who is allergic to pineapples 

**Harls** : i feel personally s l i g h t e d for having to participate in this discussion 

**Gwen** : sounds like something only a 🍍 h8tr would say

**Harls** : because that's what i a m

**Harry** : h e a t h e n 

**Pete** : They will k i l l him Harry 

**Harry** : then p e r i s h 

**Harls** : why is this happening to me

**Pete:** it's e l e v e n at n i g h t Har

**Harry** : i dont see ur point 

**Harry** : it is pineapple appreciation time 

**Harls** : pls no

**Pete** : I hate you all 

**Ned** : (no you don't) 

**Pete:** no I don't 😔😔😔😔

**Harry** : y r they y e l l o w 

**Harls** : why are you still t a l k i n g 

**Harry** : 🍍🍍🍍🍍🍍

**Pete** : Pineapple on the pizza is the worst invention ever 

**Harls** : so you're just joining this now huh

**Pete** : I have F E E L I N G S Harley

**Pete** : And they are strong

**Harry** : pineapple pizza is the s.u.p.e.r.i.o.r pizza 

**Harry** : fite me

**Pete** : you will die 

**MJ:** This is an argument that could end a friendship

**Ned:** I feel like this could be the straw that ends Harry

**Harry:** b r i n g it spider parker

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Gwen** : do it 

**Harls:** gwendolyn

**Harls:** s t o p

**Gwen:** not until they f i g h t 

**_Science Child_ **

**Miles** : Do you ever think that Michaelangelo was like

**Miles:** “I hope they name a radioactive turtle after me.” 

**Miles:** When he was painting like iconic art like the Sistine Chapel

**Peter:** Miles

**Peter:** My precious 

**Peter:** Perfect

**Peter:** Amazing science child 

**Miles:** He was probably like

**Miles:** “That would be hella rad” right? 

**Peter:** Thank you so much for making me laugh today

**Peter:** I needed that

**Miles:** 😊

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** hey babe

**Pete:** Hey cowboy

**Pete:** What’s up? 

**Harls:** why did you make me patrol with Wade again

**Pete:** Because he needs a good influence? 

**Pete:** And I trust you both to keep each other safe

**Pete:** Also I did not want to patrol with him today

**Pete:** He’s been sending me Spice Girls lyrics all day and if I see him and he starts singing Wannabe I might punch him 

**Pete:** So hard that I accidentally kill him

**Harls:** can i punch him so hard i accidentally kill him

**Pete:** No that’s called murder

**Harls:** smh

**Harls:** meet us by the docks

**Harls:** we found the missing kid

**Pete:** Are they?

**Harls:** no babe

**Harls:** just

**Harls:** fuck 

**Harls:** no

**_M a y_ **

**May:** Hey Harry

**Harry:** m a y 

**Harry:** hi! 

**May:** Just a heads up

**May:** Peter and Harley had a tough case last night

**May:** They might need some distracting 

**Harry:** missing kids case? 

**May:** He told you about it? 

**Harry:** bare bones 

**Harry:** i’ll tell the fam

**Harry:** thanks for letting us know

**May:** Help them get outta their funk a little 

**May:** Remind them the world’s still good

**Harry:** on it

**May:** You’re the best second son

**Harry:** stop May you'll make me cry

**_Parkner? Parley? IronSpider?_ **

**Harry:** we have a mission

**MJ:** Why do you keep putting me in group chats

**MJ:** You know I hate group chats

**Ned:** What is our mission?

**Gwen:** is this about the kids 

**Gwen:** 😔

**Gwen:** cap wouldn’t go into it but said it was bad

**Harry:** yeah

**Ned:** Oh man

**MJ:** Shit

**MJ:** I heard about that on the news

**MJ:** They found them? 

**Harry:** i don’t really know

**Harry:** May just told me they were a little messed up because of it? 

**Ned:** Mission Cheer Them Up? 

**Harry:** ^ 

**Gwen:** im in

**MJ:** Let’s do what we do best

**Ned:** AVENGERS ASSEMBLE

**MJ:** I’m adding Miles to the group

**MJ:** He never fails to cheer Peter up

**Harry:** but he b a b y

**MJ:** Only for the day

**Ned:** smh 

**Ned:** We’ll behave I guess

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**MJ:** Say hi to Miles

**Harry:** HI MILES 

**Harry:** IT’S YOUR UNCLE HARRY

**Gwen:** ur grammar suddenly got better

**Harry:** lmao I’m on the work computer

**MJ:** Getting important shit done at Oscorp

**Harry:** always

**Gwen:** anyway

**Gwen:** hi Miles

**Pete:** WHY IS MILES HERE

**Harls:** WHY IS OUR SON HERE

**Miles:** Hi Miles! 

**Pete:** aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**Harls:** HE IS TOO LITTLE FOR THIS

**Harry:** so pure 

**Harry:** ANYWAY

**Harry:** Miles how do you feel about pineapples

**Pete:** HAROLD STOP THIS

**Miles:** I mean

**Miles:** They’re not that great

**Harls:** VINDICATION

**Harry:** you are cute

**Harry:** but you are wrong

**Harry:** so one time

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

**Harls:** man why do you keep falling into that trap

**Harry:** I WILL TELL MY STORY ONE DAY

**MJ:** Miles tell us about your life

**MJ:** How were finals? 

**Miles:** I’m really happy they’re done

**Miles:** I like

**Miles:** Don’t feel like I’m dying anymore

**Pete:** Please never die 

**Pete:** How did your science final go?! 

**Miles:** !!!!!!

**Miles:** I got an A! 

**Miles:** Thank you for helping me study! 

**Pete:** Aww you’re welcome

**Pete:** I’ll help you study anytime

**Harry:** so sweet

**Harry:** so wholesome

**Harry:** is Peter or Harley your favorite dad? 

**Miles:** I mean 

**Miles:** My favorite dad is my actual dad

**Miles:** But like 

**Miles:** I don’t want to hurt any feelings? 

**Harls:** you could never hurt our feelings

**Pete:** If I beat out your actual dad I might have a problem 

**Harls:** ^

**Harls:** lmao

**Harls:** but my dad’s a ho so

**Pete:** Harley no

**Gwen:** yeah harls theres a kid here

**Miles:** What did your dad do? 

**Harls:** existed 

**Miles:** Uhm

**Miles:** I’m sorry he ever hurt you? 

**Miles:** Like you’re really nice and you don’t deserve whatever happened to you? 

**Harls:** Miles i will c r y 

**Miles** : 😕

**Miles** : that's not what I wanted 

**Pete** : It's a good cry don't worry 

**Pete** : Did you know pineapples eat your flesh? 

**Harls** : Pete babe why

**Harry** : lies 

**Pete** : They have an enzyme, bromelain, also digests proteins. 

**Pete:** So pineapples start eating your flesh the moment it touches your tongue. 

**Gwen** : y do u know this

**Ned** : Tell me more Peter

**Miles:** You know so many things. 

**Pete:** You could rent a pineapple in the 18th century because they were a status symbol

**Harry** : because they're fucking majestic 

**Pete:** pineapples are a bunch of berries that fused together and not a single fruit 

**_Nedthanial_ **

**Ned:** So I need your help

**Harley:** ???? 

**Harley:** ominous

**Harley:** Tell me more

**Ned:** [Ring](https://pin.it/26Luzmr)

**Harley:** Oh

**Harley:** OH

**Harley:** OOOOOOOOOO 

  
  
  



	32. Soft

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls** : we saw Sir Charles today

 **Miles** : Who's Sir Charles? 

**Miles** : Like the British dude? 

**Harls:** you're still here? 

**Miles** : Yeah Michelle never kicked me out

 **Harls** : … who's Michelle

 **Miles** : ???? 

**Miles** : You're literally in a chat with her? 

**Harls** : it's so early 

**Harls** : and i am so confused 

**Miles:** It's 10am???? 

**Harls:** don't judge me child

 **Harls** : [Sir Charles](https://pin.it/59m3Uqu)

 **Harls** : anyway we saw Sir Charles today 

**Miles** : He's so cute!!!! 

**Miles:** he is a he right? I don't want misgender him

 **Harls** : he is a he 

**Harls** : he is the eldest born so he gets a great deal of love

 **Harls** : i'm just his step dad though

 **Miles:** lol oh? 

**Miles:** Is his other dad an ex of Peter's or something? 

**Harls:** that is disgusting no

 **Harls:** it's Matt 

**Miles** : Matt's not an ex? 

**Harls:** Pete's never mentioned Matt? 

**Miles:** He has

 **Miles** : I just always assumed he was ex

 **Harls** : Pete says that's disgusting 

**Harls** : and Matt looks highly offended by that

 **Harls** : and by you thinking he's an ex 

**Miles:** So who is he? 

**Harls** : Matt is what we all aspire to be 

**Miles:** Matt can't be Peter 

**Harls** : you made Pete make a noise that only I make Pete make 

**Miles** : 😶😶😶😶😶 

**Miles:** uh

 **Harls** : I JUST SAW HOW THAT SOUNDED AND NOPE NOT LIKE THAT DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT 

**MJ:** If you don't stop texting my phone right now I will find you and kill you Keener

 **Miles** : Hi Michelle! 

**MJ:** Hi Miles

 **Harls** : YOU'RE Michelle! 

**Miles** : I thought only friends called you MJ

 **MJ** : Shut

 **Harls** : omg i'm your f r i e n d 

**Harry** : Jfc

 **Harry** : get the fuck off this fucking chat 

**Harry** : you fucking fucks 

**Miles** : and I oop

 **Harls** : choke on a chill pill Osborn

 **Harry** : i will destroy u

 **Pete** : Harry put your phone on silent and stop threatening my child and husband

 **Harls** : you're who

 **Gwen** : i smell harley having a peter caused breakdown

 **Ned** : I Can Smell the Gay

 **Gwen** : all day long 

**Miles** : Wait you two aren't married 

**Ned** : Oh hi Miles 

**Ned** : You're still here? 

**Miles:** Hi! 

**Miles** : I was never kicked out 

**Gwen** : we're keeping u 4ever now

 **Miles** : Cool! Okay! 

**Pete** : Not in a chat called Clusterfuck we won't be

 **MJ:** We are not changing the name Parker 

**MJ:** Clusterfuck fits our collective energy too well

 **Harry:** y is this still happening

 **Harls** : i will cry if i'm in another group chat

 **MJ:** ^^

 **MJ:** You don't want your husband to cry do you, Peter

 **Harls** : yeh Pete don't hurt me this way 

**Pete** : I don't have a husband 

**Harry** : excuse u

 **Pete** : Oh I'm sorry, Har

 **Pete** : I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND 

**Harls** : yet 

**Pete** : What

 **Harls** : nothing 

**Ned:** Smooth

**_The Boyz_ **

**Pete** : NEDWARD 

**Pete** : I HAVE BEEN SCREAMING FOR DAYS 

**Ned:** I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS 

**Harry** : I CAN'T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS 

**Pete** : when are you doing this

 **Ned** : I found this cute little jazz bar 

**Ned:** and I'm thinking I recreate our first date and stuff

 **Ned** : Oh god they said they can set up the guest singer next week 

**Harry:** guest singer

 **Pete:** Harley ❤

 **Ned** : I'm so nervous guys 

**Pete:** Noooo don't be 

**Harry** : dude she's gonna say yes 

**Ned:** But what if she doesn't 

**Pete:** Ned

 **Pete:** Boo

 **Pete:** Bro

 **Pete** : when I got Gwen to the hospital 

**Pete** : You were the only person she wanted to see

 **Ned** : She's so far out of my league 

**Ned** : Like how did I even get her in the first place

 **Harry:** i ask that every day about MJ

 **Ned** : but you two are perfect together 

**Pete** : Ned if you weren't horribly straight 

**Pete** : We would have dated in high school

 **Ned** : Noooo 

**Pete** : I had a h u g e crush on you when we were freshmen 

**Ned** : NOooooOooo don't lie to me to make me feel better

 **Pete** : I'm not lying 

**Pete** : I literally had a crush on you

 **Pete** : I only asked out Liz cuz I didn't want you to know

 **Pete** : You and Gwen were made for each other 

**Pete** : And you both deserve everything that you two give each other 

**Pete** : Stop thinking that you're not good enough for her 

**Pete** : You're one of the best people I've ever met 

**Ned** : Peter I'm c r y i n g 

**Pete** : so am I okay 

**Harry** : So am i

 **Harry:** i love u boys 

**Pete** : ugh me too 

**Ned** : so much 

**_The Gang _ **

**Gwen** : wat r u hiding 

**Harls** : 🙃

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Miles** : Lmao I'm still here 

**Pete** : @MJ why

 **MJ:** Don't complain Parker 

**Pete** : I can't talk about t h i n g s with Miles here 

**Miles:** What things? 

**MJ:** Yeah Peter 

**MJ:** What things 

**Pete** : 😭😭😭😭

 **Gwen:** s e x y things? 

**Miles** : okaaay byeeeeee

 **Harry:** did Miles just kick himself out

 **Ned:** lmao yeh

 **Pete:** NOT SEXY THINGS GWEN 

**Gwen** : Y DO U NEVER TALK ABOUT SEXY THINGS 

**Harry** : SOME OF US DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS GWEN 

**Ned:** ^ 

**Gwen** : then be like Miles and leave bitch 

**Harry** : ned blocked me from leaving 

**Harry** : 😔

 **Ned:** Lmao yeh I did

 **Ned** : I forgot to block Miles though

 **Pete** : g o o d 

**Pete** : anyway

 **Pete** : Things 

**Harry** : u ok? 

**Pete** : no

 **Pete** : yes 

**Pete** : I've found three dead missing kids in the last three weeks so 

**Pete** : No

 **Pete** : 🙃

 **Gwen** : How's Harley takin it? 

**Gwen** : 😔

 **Harls:** not great Gwendolyn 

**Harls** : not great 

**Harry** : need me to do anything

 **Pete** : Sit your ass in your office 

**Harry** : Pete

 **Pete** : If we need Venom we'll let you know 

**Harry** : promise? 

**Pete** : promise

 **Gwen:** ive been patrolling every now and then w jj and we havent found anything 

**MJ:** JJ? 

**Pete** : Jess Jones 

**Ned** : I'm still star struck from when she called me pipsqueak 

**Harry** : pete let me train w matt once 

**Ned** : M a t t 

**Harls** : Matt says no more training with Harry

 **MJ:** lmao yeh he hates Venom right 

**Harry** : Venom hates Matt 

**Pete** : @Gwen

 **Gwen** : Yosh

 **Pete** : You Know Who hasn't contacted you right

 **MJ:** fear of the name only increases fear for the thing itself

 **Harry** : just say his name Peter

 **Harry** : molymort 

**Harls** : Molywort

 **Pete** : 😒

 **Gwen** : she may have

 **Pete** : Gwen. 

**Gwen** : just left me a note asking if we could talk 

**Pete** : You're not going.

 **Gwen** : Peter. 

**Gwen** : I am an adult. 

**Gwen** : And I have the RIGHT to confront my own kidnapper with or without your permission. 

**Pete:** at least let me to with you 

**Harls:** wait she's back 

**Ned** : Babe you never told me they didn't know

 **Harry** : uhm what he said 

**MJ:** I'm going with her 

**Harls** : you told MJ and not me? 

**Gwen** : You worry too much 

**Gwen** : And I don't like it when people worry

 **Harls** : People worry when they care about you 

**Gwen** : You'll shoot her on sight 

**Gwen** : She saved us

 **Gwen** : we wouldn't have gotten out without her 

**Pete** : we wouldn't have needed to get in without her 

**Pete** : Let one of us go with you 

**Gwen** : I have MJ 

**MJ:** ^ 

**Pete** : someone enhanced 

**Gwen** : fine

 **Gwen** : @Harry are you free Friday

 **Harry** : Yes

 **Pete:** that's not 

**Harls** : we'll monitor from the security cams 

**Gwen** : Thank you 

**Gwen** : For trusting me on this 

**Harls** : I wish you told me

 **Harls** : we don't keep this shit from each other 

**Gwen** : you've been up to your eyeballs in these missing kids 

**Gwen** : Harry, MJ and I can handle one Hydra assassin that just wants to talk 

**Pete** : And if you can't 

**Gwen** : Then I'll let you handle everything from here on out 

**MJ:** Pete you've been running yourself thin 

**Harry** : trust people to handle stuff too 

**Gwen** : gotta take off the training wheels sometime 

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls** : babe 

**Pete** : I'm fine

 **Harls** : no you're not 

**Pete** : I have to be 🙃

 **Harls** : no you don't 

**Pete** : what are you singing for the Proposal 

**Harls** : That's All 

**Harls** : All to you 

**Pete** : I love you 

**Harls** : I can't imagine my life without you in it 

**Pete** : Harley ❤

 **Harls** : don't let these things eat you up alive, Peter 

**Harls** : and remember that I am always on your side 

**Pete** : I will fight for forever with you Harley Keener 

**Pete** : just for you 

**_Clusterfuck _ **

**MJ:** I just watched Ned try to use a skateboard, hit a railing, and fall into Harry's pool

 **Pete** : 😟 

**Pete** : Ned you okay? 

**Harry** : lmao he's fine 

**Ned** : I'm fine! 

**Ned** : Just wet 

**Gwen** : oof babe 

**Harls** : Matt: don't do it 

**Harls** : Peter: I'm gonna do it! 

**Harls** : Matt: nO 

**Harls** : Peter goes to do it

 **Harls** : Matt just… 

**Harls** : [Matt](https://pin.it/5e4CTlu)

 **Gwen** : lmao just throwing the stick 

**Pete** : [Simon](https://pin.it/1esHVpx)

 **Pete** : we took Simon to the park

 **Harls** : Simon is the best duck baby 

**MJ:** Where does Simon stay? 

**Pete** : he has a room obviously 

**Harry** : obviously 

**Harls** : [Peter](https://pin.it/1iP7BtI)

 **Harls** : i love him so much though 

**Gwen** : g a y 

**Harry** : look at his cute little face 

**Ned** : Where are you two 

**Harls** : Today's great gay adventure is just for the two of us 

**MJ:** cute 

**MJ:** you have Miles with you too don't you 

**Harls** : Maybe 

**Harry** : l a m e 

**Pete** : [Harley ](https://pin.it/5M56awO)

**Pete** : [Miles](https://pin.it/7yRPSGP)

 **Gwen** : harley is the best boo 

**Harry** : i am jealous im not there 

**Harry** : i need quality Peter time 

**MJ:** [Harry](https://pin.it/3ns7gq8)

**Harry** : [MJ](https://pin.it/6e0GLVA)

**Ned** : we're just doing this now? 

**Ned** : okay

 **Ned** : [Gwen](https://pin.it/2SMBfmG)

**Gwen** : [Ned](https://pin.it/1in5Sz2)

**Pete** : I am so soft for all of you 

**MJ:** ^ 

**Harls:** lmao Peter just walked into a pole  
  



	33. Proposals and Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter starts off suspenseful and ends s o f t and I am not ashamed at all

Gwen was trying to look intimidating but after months of friendship, Harry knew there wasn't much about her to be scared by. She sat at a table outside the coffee shop by herself, her ankles crossed under the table cloth and a smoking cappuccino resting between her hands. Harry had brought MJ here on their third date - she had looked beautiful under the indoor tea lights as the sun set outside against the soft snow. Now though, MJ looked ready to stab someone with her spoon. 

Covert missions were… not something Harry had ever done before and that was painfully obvious. According to Gwen, Arachne had asked that she come alone so they were sitting inside the shop with a good view of the entire encounter. According to Peter, Arachne wouldn't actually be dumb enough to think Gwen wouldn't come without backup. The seat next to the window was a compromise. 

Harry was loathe to admit it, but not having Peter or Harley with them was stressing him out. He understood Gwen's point of view, and the very tenuous grasp on his anger that Peter currently had. He had let Arachne help them once but had sworn the moment they got Gwen to medbay that if he ever ran into her again he would cause her harm. Harry was under no impression that he could control Venom if push came to shove, but he had faith that MJ could reel him back in. 

But not having backup felt… wrong. Terrifying. 

Harry wasn't cut out for this _hero_ stuff. 

"Hey," MJ's hand settled over his, her brown eyes twinkling in the way they did only when she was worried. "You good?" 

Harry couldn't help but smile at her, his agitation falling into the back of his mind. "I'm good." 

Gwen's fingers tapped twice on the window and Harry was startlingly reminded that _he_ wasn't actually the worst at this stuff. Gwen was in the process of being trained, but training held nothing on real world experience. Harry had grown up in the limelight and he had learned only too easily how to blend in and avoid public scrutiny. That and how to _quickly_ avoid an unkind hand. That tap on the window had all but given them away. 

"Why didn't we let Peter or Harley come again?" Harry muttered over the rim of his coffee mug. 

He knew the answer. Peter was an unknown quantity in this entire mess. Would he help or would he harm? And Harry knew their relationship well enough that if Peter jumped then Harley was jumping in after him. He also knew how much the murdered childrens case was tearing the two of them apart. They were both almost hollow whenever they found another body and even May had reached out with concerns. _Get them to stop,_ she had begged both Matt and Tony. Tony had said he wasn't willing to try, his relationship with Peter was already strained enough. If he fought him on something again it would break it completely. And Matt had pursed his lips and avoided looking in her direction. He was working the case too, Harry knew. He might not have been able to _see_ the crime scenes, but you didn't have to see them to know they were brutal. 

MJ said nothing, but Harry hadn't expected her to. 

**Dangerous** , Venom hissed in his mind and it took every ounce of self control Harry had to stop him from rising up and causing a scene in the cafe. MJ squeezed his hand tighter. 

He saw her out of the corner of his eye. 

He had never seen Arachne before, had only heard tales and warnings. Peter had pictures, somewhere, taken on his patrols. But Harry wasn't an official Avenger and even if he was, Harry wasn't sure if he would have been privy to that sort of information. He swallowed and nodded as Arachne, with only the dangerous coiled grace of someone that could _snap_ at any given moment, pulled out the chair across from Gwen and sat. 

Gwen, for her part, was doing a much better job at not looking terrified. Harry didn't know how she did it. This woman had kidnapped her and inadvertently led to where Gwen was now - enhanced, with nightmares at the least weekly, and jumpy in a way she only pretended she wasn't. No one came out of that situation unscathed. 

Lucky, Harry almost thought. Where Peter had to go through this alone, he made sure no one else around him ever would. 

MJ tapped her ear and Harry got the hint. 

Coms on and recording. 

" _We're a go_." It was Harley that said it, his cool southern drawl somehow comforting even in the hardest situations. Harry knew that, before Arachne had approached, he had been speaking exclusively to Gwen. He didn't know what he had been saying, but he hoped it was something encouraging. 

They didn't know how enhanced Arachne was beyond strength and hearing, so they were going into the meeting almost entirely blind. Still, Harry thought, it was a plan that would hopefully end in no one getting killed. 

Arachne didn't _look_ like a cold blooded assassin. She had light brown hair, wore a delicate pink blouse tucked into blue jeans, and had green tinted sunglasses propped atop her head. Her and Gwen looked more like cousins out for a drink than like people that held enough strength in their pinkies to snap your neck. 

"What should I call you?" Gwen asked after a sip of her drink. 

"Jessica." Arachne's voice was accented. Harry didn't know that until that moment. For some reason, it struck him as odd. 

Harry didn't _tune out_ of the conversation but it did _flow_ around him after that. Arachne - Jessica- was surprisingly gentle when she asked Gwen how she was holding up. She was also much more open with information that Harry assumed she was going to be. Jessica claimed to have left HYDRA, and something about her voice told Harry that they should believe her. As someone that had run from his past for years himself, he recognized only too well the sound of someone _desperate_ to recreate themselves. 

"Your spider friend." Jessica said about an hour in. Harry felt his own breath _woosh_ out of his lungs, felt MJ's hand squeeze his just a little tighter, heard the growl in Venom's voice echo in his head, and knew, on the other end of the coms, that Harley was holding his breath. Gwen, though, merely pointed her chin in the air just a little bit higher and met Jessica's gaze head on. _Strong_ , Harry thought. He still trembled whenever he thought of confronting his own abuser again, but there Gwen was. Engaging with her and not falling under the weight of her stare. "I have information for him. About the kids." 

The kids. 

Of course. 

Because the world hadn't asked enough from Peter Parker yet. 

"Tell me and I can pass it along." Gwen, it seemed, had developed a protective streak herself. 

Jessica pursed her lips and looked beyond Gwen, then. At the park across from them, and the passerbys, before her eyes snapped straight to Harry's and her lips twitched in the shadow of a smile. Harry froze, his mug halfway to his mouth and Venom clawing at him from the inside. "His name is Vermin. Tell him I will help take him down." 

"Why?" Gwen didn't seem fazed, even when Jessica kept her green eyes locked on Harry. 

"I don't like people that hurt the innocent." Jessica, finally, looked away and back at Gwen. "You should know that." 

* * *

The bar was called _Mario's_ and it was usually never inhabited by so many twenty-somethings. The owner was a stout Italian old man that looked almost eager when Ned and Harley had described their plan just weeks before. 

Standing atop a stage was _weird._ Harley had never performed on stage before and never with a live band behind him. On top of that, he was wearing a suit, decidedly more dressed up than he had ever been in his life willingly. 

But this, well… it was a bit of happiness among the pure _terrible_ the last few weeks had been. Gwen deserved it. Ned deserved it. _They_ all deserved it. 

Harley had never met a better suited couple than the two of them. Ned was soft where Gwen was hard, and Gwen was kind where Ned was cruel. "How would you do it?" MJ asked from behind the stage, her hands running through his hair with some sort of styling product. 

They had been quiet for the past twenty minutes, Harley trying hard not to panic and MJ rolling her eyes everytime Ned texted about how nervous he was. Harley glanced at her, at her long cream dress and tight curls and noted how she wouldn't look him in the eye. "I told Harry I would say no if he ever asked." MJ said when Harley was silent for a moment too long. 

"Would you?" Harley asked, his eyes shooting back towards the closed velvet curtains. 

MJ shrugged. "My parents both have been married like five times and it's never worked out." She paused, as though thinking over her words. "Everything seems to go wrong whenever you slap a ring on it." 

"I can see that." Harley agreed with a shrug. "I don't think my parents were ever really happy but… I could see it. With Pete." 

"You two are already practically married." MJ swatted his shoulder with a roll of her eyes, coming around in front of him to straighten his tie. 

He thought of Peter then, of how he would do it if he ever had to. It would probably be spontaneous, nothing about them had ever been planned before. "I think he'd say yes." MJ continued and Harley thought, _yeah_ _he would_. "If I asked him." 

"Asked who?" Harley wrinkled his brow. 

"Harry." 

It would fit them, Harley thought as he got up on the stage where the lights shined bright in his eyes. MJ was tucked softly under Harry's arm at the bar, each holding a drink (Harry's sprite in a champagne glass) and Peter's smile blinding even in dim lighting. 

They weren't the only patrons there, they hadn't even thought of renting out the entire bar, but so far Harley had seen nothing but kindness from all the older jazz fans. 

Harley had heard one too many times from a star struck Gwen how her and Ned had met. Both volunteers at the old VA building - Ned a busboy and Gwen the singer of the band. They had had their first date there, pushed together by the elderly in a way that was almost hilarious. "You ready?" The pianist asked and Harley took a deep, steadying breath before nodding just as the door opened. 

It was almost hilarious, how quick they all turned to look at her and then looked away as though they were about to be caught. The piano started when Ned helped Gwen out of her coat and, internally, Harley was screaming. 

Across the stage, Harley split it attention from Peter and Gwen, to the smile on her face when she saw them and the way she happily took Peter's hand when he offered it to her while Harry ordered Ned a drink to calm his nerves. There were other couples on the dance floor but Peter and Gwen looked great together. She was wearing a simple light blue dress that brought out her eyes, kitten heels strapped to her feet, and hair up in an elegant bun with ringlets of curls framing her face. 

If Gwen was confused she didn't show it until Harley started singing. "I can only give you love that lasts forever, and a promise to be there each time you call." 

"Is that Harley?" Gwen asked, surprisingly loud in an already loud bar. Peter laughed and winked when he caught Harley's gaze on a turn. 

_How would you do it?_

He saw MJ kiss Ned's cheek and Harry straighten his lapels. Psyching him up as Peter whispered something Harley couldn't hear soft in Gwen's ear that had her looking up at him with glittering eyes and a shocked, pleased smile. 

_Beautiful,_ Harley thought. They both were, even if he meant the way Peter looked under the soft yellow light. 

"I can only give you country walks in springtime, and a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall." Harley continued, his eyes burning like heat on his boyfriend and best friend. 

_She was going to be so happy._

Harry pulled Ned in for one, final, tight hug before MJ pulled him back with a roll of her eyes. 

Ned walked forward, nerves in his eyes. Harley's lips threatened to pull up in a smile and give him away. He would say he pretended his smile was for Peter but that wasn't exactly a lie when Peter was so obviously excited for his friend. 

"There are those I am sure who have told you, they would give you the world for a toy. All I have are these arms to enfold you, and a love even time can never destroy."

Harley watched with almost bated breath as Ned dropped to one knee and fumbled with the ring, the elderly couples coming to a stop and clearing a path. It was almost expertly that Peter twirlled Gwen, her dress flowing out around her knees and her hand catching _just so_ in Ned's outstretched one. 

Harley could only see her back from here and Ned's front and he couldn't hear the words he was saying but he did know the moment Gwen nodded and pulled Ned upwards with a strength she worked so hard not to show. 

He ended the song with his eyes on Peter and Peter's eyes on him, his heart pounding hard against his ribs. 

_How would you do it?_

[That's All](https://youtu.be/MkkGy80PZqQ)

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete** : [Engagement photo ~ Pretend it looks like them](https://pin.it/5Ic0Gqp)

 **Pete** : taken last night when most of you were very drunk and we were all getting ready to go home

 **Gwen** : im still screaming 

**Harry** : im still crying 

**MJ:** it's true he is 

**Harls** : shut up I'm still drunk 

**Pete** : it's true he is 

**Ned** : thanks everyone for making last night the best day of my life 

**Gwen** : ^ 

**Gwen** : ❤


	34. Steamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little s t e a m y after the page break. 
> 
> I didn't mean for it to happen but it did 🤷♀️ oh well. 
> 
> Enjoy as I toss very small bits of plot into each chapter.

Peter's office was smaller than Harley's but, to be fair, Parker Industries was a much smaller company. Only a block from Stark Tower, Harley could see the top of the building from his high rise office. The designers had done a good job on the building - the majority of the top floors were all laboratories instead of offices. There was a floor for the IT department that Ned was just settling in as the head of, his own office two floors down from Peter's, and a lobby and that was it for anything that didn't involve lab equipment. 

Peter had dragged his heels all through the process of finding a receptionist. He didn't see the need for it when he could answer his own phone. Pepper and May had teamed up to convince him, citing just how busy the little start up was bound to get once Peter started taking clients. The receptionist they went with would obviously only be someone Peter knew and could get along with - and if Harley knew his boyfriend then he knew Peter was the sort of person that would _only_ hire someone under qualified for the position. He hadn't been wrong, Harley noticed as he stalked down the hall towards her. The nameplate on her desk said Dana, and the way she was studiously scrolling through her email told Harley that she had been exactly what Peter had been looking for. She was a bit older than the two of them, mid thirties, Harley would hazard a guess. She had one picture on her desk, centered around her telephone and facing her of a little boy with two missing front teeth. From the lack of a ring on her finger Harley assumed she was a single parent. 

A pre-med book stuck out of her bag by her feet and when she looked up at him he could see how tired she was under the layers of makeup. "Morning." He waved over the rim of the paper cup he was holding. He had stopped by the breakroom Peter had set up to fix himself one and was happy to see that Harry had convinced Peter to splurge on the expensive coffee maker instead of a simple Keurig. 

Dana looked shocked to see him, or, well shocked to see anyone that wasn't Peter or May who Harley knew was dragging Peter on weekly lunch break dates with her to get him out of his head. "Mister Keener." Harley still wasn't used to people recognizing him on sight. It had gone over only about mildly as smooth as Pepper imagined it would when she announced she was training her replacement and that the person _wasn't_ a Stark by blood but instead a random kid from Tennessee. There were rumors that he was a secret love child of Tony or Pepper. There were even rumors that him and Peter were vying to take over the world, once news got out that they were romantically involved. 

Harley laughed at every one of them, even if the reports hurt just a little bit when they ignored his very real mother. "Dana, right?" Harley stopped in front of her desk, waiting for the approval to go beyond but knowing that Peter wasn't even going to be _in_ his office. No, Peter had a meeting with some investors from Rand Industries that he had told Harley about and then a scheduled phone call with Tony. 

Things between the two had been _strained_ to say the least. Peter wasn't sure how he felt about Tony outright admitting that he wasn't his father, even if it had been something Peter desperately felt. Because as much as Tony _wasn't_ Ben or Richard Parker, he had also been _a father_ figure to Peter when he needed him. Harley wasn't much of a help there - he had never had much of a father himself and he honestly wasn't even sure if he would know what to do with one if he was given it. "Yes," Dana smiled at him and looked about ten years younger. "Uhm, Mister Parker isn't in right now." 

"Oh I know." Harley winked and shifted his feet just a bit. "I was hoping to surprise him with lunch." 

Because Peter wouldn't eat lunch if Harley or May or any one of the others didn't force it on him. He was juggling so much between the company and the Avengers that Harley was afraid he was going to fall apart soon. _Only a matter of time_ , May had warned just a week ago. 

It was only after a few more minutes of small talk that Dana let Harley wait in Peter's office and Harley gratefully slumped down in the chair behind Peter's almost threadbare desk. Peter didn't have much lining the walls yet, his diploma off to the right that May had lovingly gotten framed. He had a framed group photo of Harry, MJ, Ned and Gwen from just a few days ago at _Mario's_ , all of them fawning over Gwen's ring. Next to his computer was the little succulent Harley had gotten him for his birthday, so long ago now but still thriving. Harley couldn't help smiling a little and poked the prickly spine of the plant before sitting back to wait. 

Bits and pieces of Peter laid strewn around the room. His suit jacket was on the coat rack beside the door because Peter hated dressing up more than Harley did and would have taken it off the moment he could. His computer screen had several post-it notes stuck along the bottom frame, messy chemical formulas doodled on the paper and tossed between messages of encouragement. He had an Avengers file messily stuffed under his keyboard where anyone could find it because Peter never knew how _not_ to work at a problem. Harley knew Peter's speed dials without even looking - number one was him, two was May, three was Harry, and four was Tony (because even when they were fighting Peter still went to him for help on hard projects). He had a picture Miles had drawn stuffed in his unlocked front drawer and Harley took it out and placed it next to the phone without a second thought. 

His ankles were crossed atop the desk, Peter's solved rubix cube being used as a busy object for Harley to play catch with, when the door finally opened almost an hour later. Harley had flipped through the Avengers file for about thirty minutes before his stomach turned a little too violently at the pictures contained in it. He had stuffed it in the front drawer and distracted himself instead. 

The case they were working on was hard for him - whenever he saw any of those kid's bodies he saw Abby or Miles lying there unmoving. He remembered everything of the crime scenes, knew that even Peter's contacts in the NYPD were struggling to find any link between victims. Peter had written down everything he could think of and, honestly, Harley had done the same. But there was nothing. None of the victims had anything remotely in common other than the fact that they were all _kids._

Peter jumped when he saw Harley there, his phone still pressed against his ear. Harley smirked, just a little, as he listened to Peter's hasty goodbye to Tony. 

Peter might have hated suits but he _certainly_ looked good in one. 

Out of the two of them, Peter was least likely to wear a tie, but even Harley had left his in his car before coming up. The blue suit pants hugged Peter's legs in all of the right places and Harley was entertained to see that Peter was wearing two different socks. He had rolled up his sleeves sometime during the meeting and when he leaned back against his desk his hair flopped perfectly into his eyes. "What are you doing here?" He asked even though he knew the answer. 

"What no hello?" Harley smiled almost wickedly, letting his feet fall heavily to the ground when Peter pushed them off his desk. 

" _Hello_ Harley." Peter rolled his eyes but there was no heat behind his words. "To what do I owe the pleasure?" 

"Lunch?" Harley asked innocently, standing only so Peter could sit in his place and scroll through his email. 

"My treat." He bent down and pressed a kiss gently to the skin under Peter's ear, relishing in the shaking breath Peter slowly pushed out in response. He spun the chair around so Peter was facing him, only a little saddened to see the exhaustion on his face. He was too young to be this tired. "Come on, darlin'." 

* * *

Harley had actually meant to take Peter to lunch but, instead, he found himself laying back against a leather seat with a mouth hot against his own. He wasn't complaining, even if he felt he should be. They hadn't gotten much time to themselves lately, what with the case, the engagement, and both their jobs in the real world stepping up. Harley wasn't even sure where they _were_ but when Peter _did that_ with his hips he couldn't exactly think easily. 

They were both still fully clothed, even if their shirts were unbuttoned and tugged out of pants, cocks rubbing together through soft cotton. Peter had Harley's hands clamped above his head, a beautiful figure above him even as Harley yearned to touch. "Come on," Harley moaned and tugged upwards against an unyielding grip. 

He had nothing on Peter's strength, even if he was stronger now than he had ever been. It was horribly unfair that Peter had been gifted with enhanced strength, even if it _was_ a massive turn on sometimes. 

Now, though, on his back and unable to _touch_ Harley felt nothing except desperation coursing through his veins. 

Peter was _wicked_ when he was in these sort of moods - he was in the mood to tease and while Harley enjoyed it some days he was about ready to burst now. Keeping Harley's hands above his head was going to start to be a problem, though, if Peter wanted to go any lower. The downside of being short - his arms couldn't keep Harley exactly where he wanted him. 

Peter gave up - thankfully - when he was down by the button on Harley's slack and Harley took advantage _immediately._ With both hands he framed Peter's face and pulled him upwards and into a bruising _filthy_ kiss that was all teeth and tongue. With a leg firm around Peter's waist he pulled him down so their hips clashed with a hiss from both of them. "Tease." Harley said between gasps into the skin of Peter's shoulder, nipping none too gently when all Peter did was laugh. 

Neither of them would be able to go back to the office after this and Harley more than welcomed that fact.

Wherever they were, anyone could walk by and see if they pressed hands up against the tinted glass of the windows, so Harley's next move was almost dangerous. Still, he fumbled with the clasp of Peter's belt until he sat himself up above Harley to give him better access. It was without detaching his mouth from the hot skin at the base of his throat that Harley slipped a hand between an elastic band and skin. 

They didn't move to go much beyond that, Harley shifted just _so_ and this time it was Peter on his back, Harley rotating down while he rotated up. They dissolved more into gasps against lips than kisses, but with Peter's hands hot on the skin of his back and sliding down under his pants Harley couldn't say he minded. 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Gwen** : i challenged harry to a ping pong battle and

 **Gwen** : he is v passionate 

**MJ:** Good. 

**Harry** : I WILL NOT LOSE 

**Ned** : Kill him babe! 

**Gwen** : IM GONNA 

**Gwen:** @harls @pete 

**Gwen** : come cheer me on as i slaughter this rich boy 

**Harry** : the only one getting slaughtered today is you, mrs leeds 

**Ned** : Dirty trick! 

**Ned** : You knew she'd lose a second 

**MJ:** there are no dirty tricks in ping pong Ned 

**MJ:** It is a serious game of skill and intellect 

**Harry** : and i will not be losing 

**Gwen** : EXCUSE U M I S T E R J O N E S 

**Harry** : wat

 **MJ:** Yeah Gwen what 

**Gwen:** we all know MJ wears the pants in ur relationship 

**Ned:** I mean you would totally take her name 

**Harry** : u 2 have wedding on the brain 

**MJ:** It's disgusting 

**Harry** : bold of u to assume i havent already changed my name to parker 

**Gwen** : oop does harley know you married his husband 

**Harry** : That is MY BROTHER 

**Ned:** ^ May would adopt Harry if he asked 

**Harry** : i would never ask 

**Harry** : funny story tho

 **Harry** : i thought about changing my last name when i changed my middle name 

**MJ:** ^ He did 

**Gwen** : u changed ur middle name? 

**Harry** : Yeah to Elizabeth

 **Gwen** : lmao that wasnt a joke? 

**MJ:** No

 **MJ:** Elizabeth was his mom 

**Harry** : like hell did i want to keep norman in my name 

**Gwen** : good on u! 

**Gwen** : im still gonna win at ping pong 

**Harry** : fuck no u arent

**Ned:** lmao where are Harley and Peter though? 

**MJ:** probably working 

**Gwen** : s e x 

**Harry** : pls stop that is my emotional support peter 

**Gwen** : smexy smex 

**Harry** : gwen no 

**Gwen** : lmao y does it make u so uncomfortable 

**MJ:** Because it does. Harry doesn't talk about sex.

 **Harry:** ^ 

**Ned:** oop 

**Ned** : are they even alive though

 **Harry** : yeh Pete just texted me canceling our meeting later 

**Ned** : and that's normal? 

**Harry** : if he didnt cancel i was gonna 

**Harry** : he needs a day off 

**Gwen** : can confirm

 **Gwen** : he looked ready to fall asleep two days ago in training 

**MJ:** Harley does too 

**Gwen** : also can confirm 

**Ned** : hopefully they're getting some rest? 

**Gwen** : yeh sure 😒

 **Gwen** : we know theyre not 

**MJ:** Peter wouldn't rest even if someone told him he would die if he didn't 

**Harry** : maybe if miles asked him to

 **MJ:** ONLY if Miles asked him to 

**MJ:** lmao Gwen just threw the ping pong paddle at Harry's head cuz she lost 

**Ned** : my fiance everyone 

**MJ:** How much do you like seeing that? 

**Ned** : God

 **Ned** : so much

  
  



	35. Edwin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repeat it like a mantra: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** Why is the TV in the training room broken? 

**Harry:** ping pong

**Gwen:** ^

**Gwen:** it was a good game

**Harls:** i’m ngl 

**Harls:** i’m a little concerned gwendigo

**Gwen:** as u should be

**Pete:** Who won? 

**Pete:** You know

**Pete:** So I know whose ass to kick

**Harry:** gwen

**Gwen:** harry

**MJ:** Kick both their asses

**Ned:** Please don’t destroy my fiance

**Pete:** I will destroy whoever I see fit

**Harls:** lmao 

**Harls:** he thinks he’s so scary

**Harry:** Peter is t e r r i f y i n g 

**Pete:** ^

**Harls:** he’s in fucking fuzzy socks no he’s not

**MJ:** I want to be in fuzzy socks

**Gwen:** it’s the middle of summer tho

**Gwen:** ??? 

**Gwen:** too hot for fuzzy socks

**Pete:** it is never too hot for fuzzy socks 

**MJ:** ^

**Harls:** Pete can’t stick in these so if i push him he just s l i d e s away

**Harry:** y r u pushing him

**Harls:** because i can

**MJ:** mood

**Ned:** how did the tv even break

**Harry:** gwen was angry 

**Gwen:** harry was angry

**Harry:** gwen punched it

**Gwen:** harry threw it

**Harry:** and then picked it up 

**Gwen:** and then stomped on it

**Harry:** and tried to throw it at me 

**Gwen:** and then threw it against the wall

**Ned:** @MJ

**Ned:** You were there

**Ned:** what actually happened

**MJ:** I am contractually obliged to not say anything

**Harls:** lmao what

**Pete:** So you’re both getting a new TV?

**Harry:** already on its way pete

**Pete:** Aww come on guys

**Pete:** [Messy office](https://pin.it/8WvLER7)

**Pete:** just

**Pete:** why

**Harls:** how even

**Gwen:** listen

**Gwen:** if u dont take ping pong seriously we cant be friends

* * *

Miles didn't know what he expected but it certainly wasn't what the world had in store for him on his walk home from school. With the rash of missing kids around the city his father had insisted that Miles carry around both his phone and a bottle of pepper spray. His uncle had even called Miles to tell him to be wary and Miles was smart enough to know that this wasn't a time to be breaking rules and going the long way home. 

But it was such a nice day outside, Miles had had art last period, and if he went  _ this  _ way he could see both Stark Industries and Parker Industries and, hopefully, run into either Peter or Harley (or both) and convince them that ice cream was a good idea. It wouldn't take much convincing - Miles knew all the right threads to tug when it came to getting Peter to do anything he wanted. Harley was a bit harder, for one Miles didn't have the hero worship he had for Peter for Harley, even if the other man  _ was  _ one of the coolest people Miles had ever met. For another, Harley  _ had _ a sibling and recognized any of Miles’s tricks before he even started using them. Miles knew Peter wasn’t dumb and likely knew when Miles was using him to his advantage, but Peter seemed more than happy enough to be used. MJ called Miles a happy distraction and if Miles had taken offense at first he had noticed that Peter seemed awfully down the last few weeks. 

He hitched up his bag even farther onto his shoulders and tilted his head up to the sky, intent on forgetting all about the pit of worry that swirled in his stomach. It was just last week that a boy from his class had gone missing - Lucas something. He hadn’t really been friends with Miles - Miles didn’t really  _ do _ friends at his new school yet, even if he had been there going on three months now - but they used to have english together and Lucas had been a  _ huge _ fan of anything and everything Star Wars. A week before Lucas had been Georgie Paulson, a little girl from four blocks down. A week before  _ that _ had been Nathan Gregario and a week before  _ that  _ had been Bianca Rosario. 

Parents were going insane and Miles’s family was no exception. Even Paula Jones, Michelle’s grandmother, had been watching the kids going in and out of the apartment complex more carefully. Miles could understand, to a point, where the worry was coming from. Especially after three of the four missing kids had been found dead and discarded just minutes away from where they had been taken. He wasn’t supposed to know that part, but Miles was in eighth grade, he knew how to use Google. Plus it was all anyone at school could talk about - they had even had an assembly about it. There were rumors that the Principal was considering implementing a buddy system for kids that walked home without adult supervision, but the students were vehemently against any sort of forced contact after eight hours stuck in the same building with each other. Miles tried not to think about the pictures he had found from the crime scenes but sometimes they danced just behind his eyelids when he shut his eyes. 

Now, though, with the sunlight bouncing off the pavement the way it did, Miles couldn’t actually see the problem. If he had been given a buddy he  _ never _ would have been able to go this way home. And if anyone knew he was close to both the CEO of Parker Industries  _ and _ the CEO in training of Stark Industries, Miles would be bombarded with fake friends every second of the day. Not to mention if they found out he had their personal phone numbers, worked in the lab with Peter occasionally, and also had gone out to lunch with Harry Osborn almost every Sunday after him and Michelle visited Paula. Miles wasn’t entirely sure how this had become his life but he wasn’t exactly about to complain. 

Never meet your heroes, they said. 

Obviously, none of them were lucky enough to have Miles’s heroes because Peter Parker was  _ so much better _ than Miles expected him to actually be. 

* * *

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls:** so i’m in a meeting right

**MJ:** Obviously 

**MJ:** I think you text us every meeting

**Harls:** well they’re fucking boring MJ what do you want from me

**Harry:** ^^^^

**Harry:** carry on good sir

**Pete:** no

**Pete:** Don’t carry on

**Pete:** Pay attention to the meeting

**Harls:** but you're not paying attention to the meeting

**Pete:** Yes I am

**Harls:** don’t pretended you’re not just showing Rhodey memes 

**Pete:** You have no proof

**Harls:** what did booger man just say then

**Pete:** Mister Randall just said 

**Pete:** “Would the attempt to merge on this even make monetary sense with us all backed into this agreement?” 

**Harls:** bullshit

**Harls:** fuck you’re right

**Harry:** Peter is scary good at multitasking

**Ned:** facts though

**Ned:** I once watched him solve a chemistry formula while hacking the Spidey suit

**Gwen:** remember when i knew nothing about this 

**Gwen:** and u guys would just say shit like this

**Gwen:** without context

**Harls:** anyway

**Harls:** i’m in a meeting right now 

**Pete:** jfc pay attention 

**Pete:** Pepper just asked you a question

**Harry:** lmao is this gonna 

**Harry:** be like

**Harry:** one time

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

**Harry:** NO I DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO TELL IT PARKER

**Harls:** I’M IN A MEETING RIGHT NOW AND TONY HAS A HUGE ASS STAIN ON HIS SHIRT AND NO ONE HAS SAID ANYTHING AND HE DOESN’T KNOW IT’S THERE AND IT’S HILARIOUS 

**Gwen:** that is a disappointing story boo

**Harls:** well fuck guess i have to pay attention now

**Pete:** lmao Pepper took his phone

**Harry:** but not urs?

**Pete:** ofc not

**Pete:** I’m better at hiding it

* * *

Still, Miles knew he was in for a small lecture when he did eventually get to Peter’s building. Peter, Harley  _ and _ Harry had all cautioned Miles against deviating from a schedule, especially with a killer on the loose that had a weakness for children around his age. But Miles wasn’t exactly an easy target. He knew the basics of karate from when he was eight, he knew what to do in a kidnapping situation. Miles’s dad had even made sure that he knew how to fire a gun, just in case he ever needed it. And his uncle had taught Miles more than one debilitating move to get the would be kidnapper on the ground before running away. Miles actually hoped that the murderer would  _ try _ for him, maybe then everyone would stop treating him like a baby and start treating him like the young man he actually was.  _ Never wish that _ , Peter had insisted with weirdly serious eyes when Miles had expressed his concerns. 

Harley had agreed with him, which had actually annoyed Miles for a while. At only ten years older than him, they sometimes acted like such  _ adults _ .  _ You don’t understand what this guy is capable of _ , Harley had told him softly when Peter had been in the bathroom.  _ And you don’t know what it would do to  _ him  _ if anything happened to you _ . 

Him. 

Miles didn’t actually know all that much about what Peter had been through except what the internet told him. Peter didn’t like to talk about himself that much, but Miles was sure from the haunted look in his eyes sometimes that he hadn’t had an easy life. 

But nothing would happen to Miles. He was well equipped for almost any situation. 

And, either way, Spider-man and Iron Man were on the case, they would have it solved in no time. 

Miles swung his bag in front, unzipping the small pouch that held his snacks and pulled out the peanut M&Ms he had purposely kept out of his lunch just earlier that day. He didn’t eat them, but he knew he was getting to where Edwin squatted. 

That was another reason Miles came this way home from school once or twice a week. Edwin. 

Edwin was, as far as Miles could tell, homeless. Miles always found him in front of the same alley every Wednesday, he always wore a big, ratty and foul smelling trench coat that fell down past his hands. Miles had never seen him without a hood on, blocking his face from view and obscuring anything Miles  _ could _ see with shadows. Miles had asked him, once, if he could draw him but Edwin had insisted that he didn’t. Miles had still drawn him, but he left it at home stuffed in a sketchbook and hidden away from the world’s prying eyes. Edwin wasn’t exactly a friend, and he definitely wasn’t anyone Miles looked up to like Peter, Harley, or Harry were, but Miles had been raised to care for those less fortunate and Edwin certainly fit into that category. 

He reminded Miles of a child, actually. Soft spoken and shy, Edwin kept a pocket in his coat filled with small dirty toys and collected Hot Wheels cars. Edwin had friendship bracelets on his left wrist from the other kids in the neighborhood and liked peanut M&Ms the best out of any candy. So Miles went out of his way to save his whenever his mother packed them and give them to Edwin whenever he saw him next. 

Miles saw the train of Edwin’s coat before he saw him, and it had a new ketchup stain on the bottom by his ratty shoes. It must be rough, Miles thought, to live on the street and sleep with no comfort and security. 

Miles jogged forward, his shoes slapping against the pavement. “Hey Edwin!” 

The man in question didn’t jump - he never did, neither did Peter (no matter how much Miles tried to sneak up on him), but he did look up enough that the shadows from his hood highlighted the smile that pulled at his lips. “Good afternoon, Miles.” When he spoke it was projected downwards so Miles couldn’t see his mouth. He had a lisp, like his tongue was too big for his mouth or like he was keeping his teeth firmly pressed together. 

“I brought you your favorite.” Miles rattled the M&Ms before dropping them into waiting, half gloved hands. With nothing left to do with his hands Miles, instead, stuffed them in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. Just up ahead was the tall, looming tower of Stark Industries and, if Miles squinted, he could see Harley’s office with two people hunched over a desk. Probably Harley and Pepper Potts, and Miles knew if he checked his watch that it was close to the time their daily meeting usually wrapped up. “How have you been?” He asked over the sound of Edwin ripping open the package and slurping up all the candy. 

“I want to show you something.” Edwin said instead of answering. “One of my… one of my friends brought it.” Edwin’s only other friends were children and Miles knew that. 

Something twisted in Miles’s stomach.  _ Never ignore your gut,  _ his uncle had said, but Edwin was harmless. He was a kid himself, no matter how much he looked like an adult. Miles saw no harm in following him, even if something that sounded suspiciously like his mother was roaring in his head -  _ aye dios mio chico.  _ They didn’t go far into the alleyway, but they didn’t really have to. “Is it a new car?” Edwin frequently got new Hot Wheels and he always had to show Miles each one of them. 

“Yes!” Edwin sounded excited, like Jenny from down the hall did whenever she got a new Barbie. Miles felt his nerves quiet down - Edwin was always showing off his cars and rattling off facts. And Miles had at least ten minutes to spare before Harley or Peter even got free from meetings. They would still be there when he was done. “This one’s my favorite yet, Miles!” 

Miles huffed a small laugh. 

_ Just like a child,  _ he thought.  _ Harmless. _

There was a little blue car resting atop a piece of fabric, green stripes along the sides and tiny silver rims. Miles reached down to pick it up and stopped,  _ hard. _

It was like the breath had all been pushed from his lungs and his eyes stared, wide, at the full picture he was getting now. 

When Miles was seven him and his parents were walking home from dinner at a friend’s house back in Baltimore. They had just turned a corner when the gunshots had gone off. His dad had reacted fast, pushing him into his mother’s legs and shoving them both  _ hard _ onto the ground. Miles had scraped his elbow on the pavement and it had left a line of blood, but no one had gotten hurt. 

There was no blood around Lucas, no red painting the pavement in a cruel and nasty picture of violence. 

Miles had read, somewhere, that people looked like they were sleeping when they were dead. 

Lucas didn’t look like he was sleeping. 

For one, his eyes were wide open and staring up at the blue sky like it would relieve him from the pain etched into the corners of his mouth. The blue Hot Wheels car was resting on his unmoving chest and all Miles could think was that it  _ hadn’t been ketchup _ on Edwin’s coat. 

He turned, fast, and fell backwards, tripping over the body of a boy that just last week had been ranting about the importance of the color the lightsaber was to a Jedi. From the upwards angle Miles could see the long, sharpened teeth that dropped from Edwin’s smile. “Do you want to play with me?”

* * *

The body of Lucas Strong was found just three minutes from Stark Industries and Harley and Peter just happened to stumble upon the crime scene on their walk back to the apartment. It wasn’t  _ pretty _ but crime scenes rarely were. It didn’t look as though he had been killed there, merely found in the alleyway behind the dumpster. It was a clean scene - nothing indicating how he got there or  _ why _ he was brought there of all places. 

It felt almost like a taunt to have dropped the body so close to both of their offices. As though the killer was getting joy out of the painful reminder that Iron Man  _ and  _ Spider-Man couldn’t track him down when he was right under their noses. 

_ Four kids _ . 

Even one was too many. 

Since they were civilians they couldn’t get any closer to examine the body or the scene, but Harley knew they wouldn’t find anything. This guy was too clean, too calculated, too  _ prepared.  _ They were near the back of the crowd that had formed, behind the cameras and concerned civilians, but he knew from the way Peter’s head was tilted that he was listening in on as much as he could. 

It was only a matter of time before they got spotted and Harley flinched at the first flash of a camera in his face. “Mister Keener! A comment on how Stark Industries is dealing with the implications of a killer staying  _ so close  _ to Iron Man’s company?” 

The media still didn’t know that it was Harley in the suit now. Tony was keeping tight lipped until Harley decided to go public himself and Harley couldn’t do that unless he wanted to put Peter under public scrutiny more than he already was. No, Harley  _ and  _ Tony were happy letting the media think it was still a Stark in the suit and they wouldn’t be correcting that any time soon. 

“No comment.” Harley tugged once, twice,  _ three times _ harshly on the hand that he had clenched in his own to spur Peter into walking away but Peter’s feet seemed glued to the pavement. “Babe?” Harley tugged again but Peter pulled his hand away with such a ferocity Harley almost lost his balance. 

“What do you mean I need to leave the scene?” Harley traced where Peter’s eyes were, all the way over to tall and imposing Jefferson Davis, his uniform prompt and pressed but his gaze almost wild. “What did you find?” 

Harley didn’t need to see any more to know what exactly the police had found because he had a clear view of Peter’s face. He saw the moment it struck him why exactly the cops were keeping Miles’s dad from the crime scene. Harley had seen a lot of emotions pass over Peter’s face in the last months - everything from joy, extacy, anger and desperation. But this… Harley had  _ never _ seen this. He couldn’t find the words to describe it if he were ever to be asked and he never wanted to see it again. 

A look like that wasn’t meant to be on a face like Peter’s. 

“Peter…” He whispered in a desperate attempt to distract. 

Another camera went off, this time close enough to cause Peter to snap. The camera slammed  _ hard _ into concrete walls and scattered into a thousand tiny pieces at the reporter’s feet. Threats of suing fell on deaf ears as the entire block seemed to fall into a icy certainty as Jefferson Davis  _ screamed  _ for his son. 

_ This was going to break him.  _


	36. Marionette

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See look! Miles is alive! 
> 
> Don't hate me forever please.

Gwen had never been _afraid_ of Peter before. She had trained with him for months, had countless times been thrown to the ground by his more skilled hands, watched him tear Venom, the Winter Soldier, and Iron Man down to the mat with an ease that Gwen herself never had. Now, though… _now_ Gwen saw what the criminals saw that made them run with their tails between their legs. 

Because _this_ Peter was…. 

He reminded her of that part in a song where the orchestra would go dead silent and it would just be the singer with everyone else still as mannequins behind him. Haunting, passionate, and _terrifying_. 

She supposed they should have seen this coming. They had been lulled into a false sense of security - _too safe_ \- a state of waiting with bated breath until the other shoe collapsed. She should have seen the cracks as clearly as she could now. Everyone had been saying what the case with the children was doing to Harley and Peter, but since she was only really close to Harley his cracks were the only ones she saw. 

Harley was easy to diagnose for her - he always had been - he had a tendency to be short when he was worried. One word answers and wide blue eyes that _begged_ to be reassured were something she was used to from him. Gwen had even gotten used to short outbursts of anger - he had punched the wall hard enough that he had broken a knuckle after the second victim had been found. 

Gwen figured that the others could handle Peter. She had assumed, incorrectly, that because he had been doing this for a longer amount of time - _thirteen years,_ her brain reminded her - that he had seen it all and then some. He had reacted rather calmly to Gwen's own situation, had been a rock where she was concerned. He had trained her, shaped her, and helped her understand the new life she was now living in. 

She should have noticed with Harry. 

Because her and Peter… well they reacted much the same when the rug was pulled out from under them. They came up with a plan of attack and executed it. Gwen hadn't been who Peter had expected to be targeted, but she made sense in the long run. Harry and Venom had been an unknown variable that had thrown his entire calculation out the window. That Harry _refused_ to give Venom up was something that grated on Peter to no end. Gwen could understand that. He had a very logical, analytical and mathematical mind. He approached every problem as though it was a complex formula that needed just one tiny tweek to get everything to fall perfectly into place. 

But this situation… no one had seen it coming. 

Miles had been _protected_ . He was just minutes away from both Stark and Parker Industries and that particular alley way wasn't even on his usual walk home from school. He had the eye of two of the most powerful people Gwen had ever met looking over him - Peter would have died before anything happened to him and Harley would have thrown himself into hell to save them both. If Miles had told either of them he was going that way home they would have met him at the end of the street, or even at the school. And he was a _smart_ kid. 

But he was still a kid. 

" _Peter,_ please, you have to calm down." Harley hadn't spoken, but instead sat heavy on one of the office chairs in the compound with his fingers twirled tight into his hair and eyes screwed shut. Gwen was standing behind him, her hand resting soft against his neck to remind him that she was there, even if she couldn't save him from the spiral of his thoughts. Harley hadn't spoken since they had arrived. 

It was Tony that had spoken, pleading with his hands outstretched as though his child had just taken their first unsteady steps. Ready to catch or grab or cushion with arms when the child would inevitably fall under its own weight. 

Peter didn't even spare him a glance when he paced by. 

"What do we know?" Not all of the Avengers were there, but it was clear who else had been working the case by who showed up. Captain America stood by a board with a picture of each child, a frown pulling at his lips. 

Neither Harley or Peter moved to speak. 

Gwen squeezed Harley's neck just a bit tighter to reassure something she wasn't sure of. 

"Every kid goes missing where the body of another is found." Gwen wondered how he could sound so clinical about it - but, she supposed, the Winter Soldier had seen his deal of heinous crimes in his long life. He looked like the pictures in her history books now, more James Barnes than the long hair and grease paint used to allow. She placed a hand on Harley's shoulder when he let out a slow, quaking breath before _finally_ looking up and around the room. Gwen didn't know what he saw - but she knew when his eyes landed on the picture of Miles now tacked up on the board. Almost immediately he stiffened and then shot his head in a quick almost magnetic pull to where Peter was barely holding it together just steps away from him. Tony still held out his hands, but made no motion to stop Peter from his frantic pacing. "Something of that kid's is always left behind - a school bag, a wallet, a school ID. Something to tell us exactly who was taken." 

"Vermin always leaves a toy car behind too." Captain America - Sam Wilson, the guy that had sat Gwen in a chair and worked with her to confront her own issues - scrawled that on the board in stupidly nice hand-writting. 

Harley's breath caught every time Peter turned his back on the table and Gwen knew from the way Peter's hands clenched that he heard it every time. "Each kid gets a weeklong period to survive. It seems like they're taken care of that week - fed, not abused or hurt." 

"Unless he escalates." 

Gwen flinched in time with Peter's faltering step. 

She wasn't supposed to be there. Gwen had told her _not_ to come. Had told her that now wasn't the time. 

_When is the time, Gwen? When another child is dead?_

Jessica had a point, even if Gwen didn't want to admit it. 

Gwen had complicated feelings for Jessica Drew - she was still very obviously the person that had caused all of Gwen's problems but as much as Peter had saved her so had Jessica. As far as Gwen could tell, Jessica had a clear morals when it came to whoever she deemed _innocent_. She knew Jessica and Peter, however, had an even more complicated relationship. 

In short, Gwen didn't blame Peter for hating the very sight of Jessica. It was a gut reaction - the ex-HYDRA agent had caused the near death of two of the people Peter held closest to him. Four people, if Gwen thought of it hard enough. Jessica had thrown May Parker over a roof, had turned Gwen in to be tortured, had told agents to release Norman Osborn, and had called in William Keener all in an effort to break Peter so much he would simply give them what they wanted. 

Gwen and Jessica had begrudgingly worked through their issues - Gwen saw Jessica as just another victim. 

Peter, while he might have believed it, didn't forgive her for her actions, but instead piled them up so the stack of reasons why not to trust her was taller than the reasons _to_ trust her. Gwen wasn't sure exactly how much _blame_ Peter placed on Jessica but none of that was important now. 

Because Jessica was an _easy_ target. She was a piece of meat that had just willingly stepped into the lion's den. 

" _Gwen_ ." Harley muttered just moments before Peter sprang at her and a breath before James Barnes grabbed Peter in one fell swoop and slammed him _hard_ against the wall. The plaster gave way under the combined weight of their strength and Gwen heard, distantly, Tony yelp when Peter's head crashed back. Harley was up on his feet quick, the chair he had been in clanging to the ground and Gwen stood, still as a statue, between Peter's snarling face and Jessica's apathetic one. 

" _Why is she here_?" It didn't sound like Peter when he asked, his brown eyes screaming to be let up even as James pushed him harder back. 

"Barnes, you're going to hurt him!" Tony grabbed for James's metal hand but Harley stopped him even with concern in his own gaze. 

Gwen didn't know how to assure him that James wasn't going to cause Peter harm - if Peter really wanted to he could have thrown James off easily. Gwen had seen it. In fact, the only two with maybe enough strength to hold Peter back was Jessica or Gwen herself. _James knew what he was doing._ He was, perhaps, the only other person in that room that had been both where Jessica _and_ Peter had been. Harley looked to her, desperate and terrified and Gwen swallowed down the fear to speak. "She has information on this guy." 

The betrayal on Peter's face almost made her flinch. He hadn't expected Gwen to bring her into the one place he felt safe. She felt at once both empowered by the trust he had put in her and saddened by the _lack_ of trust he obviously had for her decision making. "Talk." James gritted his teeth where Peter was obviously making an effort to go free. 

At least Jessica could tell the severity of the situation and knew better than to be coy with what she knew. "Edward Whelan worked with Baron Zemo and Armin Zola." 

_"Shit."_ Sam hissed. 

Gwen paid extra attention to the twitch in James's face at the names. 

"He was used as an experiment." _Like me_ , Jessica didn't have to say it but Gwen knew the words were there. "And has always had a… _taste_ for murder. In his files it said that he had a childlike mind but with the experiments he gained strength, long teeth, and ratlike fur. He likes to _play_ with his victims. Keep them until they don't entertain him anymore." 

The implication was clear, even if they didn't want to voice it. "How do they know?" Harley asked for all of them. 

Jessica didn't look away from Peter when she answered but Gwen felt the chill from her words settle deep in her bones. "Because they used to give him children as _toys_ to test his abilities on." 

It was with a grunt that Peter pushed James off, stalked towards where Jessica and Gwen stood and turned abruptly, his fist raised to attack. Gwen wasn't ready to stop him, she _didn't want to fight him_ , but it seemed she didn't have to because, like a light beamed in from the windows May Parker entered the room and swiftly disengaged his fist with a tight, full bodied hug. 

Peter seemed to collapse then, like a doll whose strings were cut onto the floor of the room and May went with him, beckoning with her hand to Harley. Gwen watched as he dropped Tony's arm and fell to his own knees next to them. His head was resting down by Peter's ear and Gwen was sure, if she tried, she would have been able to pick up the words he was saying. She hoped it was something reassuring, something to ease his obvious distress. Instead of invading the moment, though, Gwen let the soft hum of whatever song May Parker was humming pass through her ears and tried not to focus on the broken expression of a man pushed to his limit. 

"Come on." Gwen hadn't even noticed Harry, but, thinking about it, it made sense that he had been the one to bring May along. Who knew Peter better than him? She grabbed Jessica's wrist and pulled her after him, the two of them following him out into the hallway. "Why did you bring her?" 

His eyes were almost black - Venom - and Gwen tried not to be afraid. Harry Osborn was never _scary_ but Venom could be. Gwen had only sparred with him once and Venom swirled with anger and pain that Gwen didn't understand. "She didn't." Jessica said instead of her, her head tilted and eyes studying Harry's. "Interesting." 

Harry rolled his eyes. "You _knew_ this wouldn't make him react well." 

"Anger is to be expected." Jessica agreed. "I didn't expect a happy welcome party with cake and balloons." 

"He's not _angry_ ." Harry snapped, his arms crossed tight against his chest. Gwen glanced over her shoulder, and where Peter was buried into May's shoulder, her hand gentle even as his arms squeezed her too tight. She saw the kiss Harley pressed, hard and firm against his boyfriend's cheek and the hand Harley kept gripped tight with May as Tony lingered over the three of them, knelt down even with bad knees to place a hand comforting on her best friend's back. "He's **_scared._ **"

* * *

Miles tried not to think of where he was being kept, even if the blood stained couch was a dead give away. Edwin had given him a cup of dirty water he had scooped up from the ground when Miles had woken up, playing a mimicry of a good host. He had finally shed his jacket down here too and in the place of skin was pink, matted fur that smelled like week old trash left out in the sun. Ironic, Miles thought, that they were in a sewer. 

"Do you want to play cars?" Edwin asked eagerly and he turned to face Miles with arms full of them. Miles pursed his lips, placed the still full cup of nasty sewer water down by his feet and shifted, just so with a small nod. 

Everything his father had taught him was swirling in his mind, and Miles was _torn_ between advice that told him to play along and the advice that told him to try and escape. He bit at his lip and slid down onto the damp stone when Edwin gestured to him to do so. The cold seeped up through his pants but Miles couldn't feel it when his heart was beating so fast. Panic pulled at the walls of his mind, begging to be acknowledged. "Which do you want to use?" Edwin dropped them in a puddle and Miles let the water spray over his forearms and ground him to reality. 

"Uh," Miles cleared his throat and reached out a surprisingly steady hand for a red and blue sports car. It reminded him of Spider-Man and, Miles thought, only Spider-Man would have the strength to stay calm in all of this. With the car closed in his hand he felt a calm sweep over him. He could do this, could survive this. All he needed was for Edwin to fall asleep and then… well _then_ he could run. 

Spider-Man had stared down worse villains than Edwin and come out only stronger on the other side. 

Miles could too. 

He took a deep breath, channeled everything he could think of that would help, and tuned out to Edwin's quick, childlike noises as they played on the sewer floor.

* * *

Jefferson Davis wasn't a hateful man. He had grown up in Baltimore, had watched his brother fall into one gang, out, and then into another. He had met his wife, held his precious baby boy in his arms and was _proud_ that Miles was into art rather than sports. He had drove Miles to school every day, encouraged him to make friends and let him have the freedom every teenager craved with only minor complaining. 

Jefferson wasn't a hateful man. And even now, staring at his guests with _hate_ churning deep in his stomach he knew they were the wrong people to talk it out on. 

But that didn't mean that he held back. 

At that moment, Jefferson _hated_ no one more than he hated Peter Parker. 

It was illogical and stupidly stereotypical of him to hate the man that had changed so many things about his son. Ever since Miles had met Peter he had been both more respectful and more rebellious. Miles helped his mother in the kitchen, let Jefferson hug him before school every day and told them happily about his day. But Miles also went the long way home, rolled his eyes, refused to listen to curfew on multiple occasions. 

None of that was Peter Parker's fault. From what Jefferson had seen, the boy had actually been tempering a lot of the teenage rebellion that Miles had been beginning to show before moving into the city with the skill that only came from experience. 

Still, he was the easiest target. 

And Jefferson _needed_ an easy target. 

Why had they even shown up in his apartment? Why had his wife even let them in? 

Jefferson squeezed tight on the mug in his hands and glared from his spot next to the refrigerator. 

Harley Keener was for every part the southern gentleman, he even had the accent to prove it. He had pulled out Rio's chair for her and called her ma'am with his head dipped down low. Miles had been picking up on those manners. 

"Have the police told you anything?" Jefferson noticed it was Harley that spoke, not Peter, an arm tossed almost casually behind the top of the chair Peter had sat in. 

Jefferson had met Benjamin Parker once, had worked one case with him a long time ago. He had been a stern man, even if had been a little too kind hearted for the job they had. Jefferson had been expecting Miles then, and Benjamin hadn't shut up once about his own kid. Jefferson couldn't match that smart, caring and open hearted kid with the stone, silent man that sat at his table. 

_Your fault, your fault._ Jefferson's mind repeated it like a mantra and he felt the words with each beat of his heart. 

He didn't know which one he was speaking to, himself or Peter. Still, the words pulled themselves from his throat like bullets from a gun. "This is _your fault._ " 

He took a sick pleasure he knew would beat himself up for later in the way Peter flinched from the words. "Jeff…" Rio began and then stopped, her words caught on a sob. 

"If he had _never_ met you." Jefferson kept throwing them, even if each word felt like the bullets were tearing into himself. 

It wasn't anyone's _fault_ he knew that. Jefferson had been on the other side one too many times as an officer. He was cataloging every flinch and line in Peter's face that matched his own. What had someone so young seen that could make those lines deeper than the oldest officer Jefferson had ever met? "He was on _your_ street." Because he was. The only reason why Miles had even been on that street was because it was a detour to see Peter and Harley. He had probably wanted to invite them for dinner or ask for homework help. Both had slid so easily into the role of mentor, of _older brother,_ that it scared Jefferson just a little. "Why couldn't you _save him_." 

"That's _enough_ , Mister Davis." He had been so busy staring at haunted eyes he hadn't even glanced at Harley Keener until he had stood. He matched Jefferson in height, and when he squared off against him Jefferson was reminded that this was the boy that Pepper Potts had chosen as her successor in one of the biggest companies of the world. Strength coursed through every fiber of his being and his blue eyes dared Jefferson to say one more word. "I understand you need someone to blame for this but it ain't Peter."

" _Harley_." 

"No." Harley didn't look away even when Rio let out a noise that resembled a sob. "If you want someone to blame you blame Edward Whelan." 

The name struck him as odd even when Rio stuttered behind tears. "Do you mean Edwin?" 

" _What?"_

Harley and Jefferson asked it at once but Peter… he seemed, if anything, more terrified than Jefferson had expected. "He told me…" Rio swallowed and reached out a hand to squeeze one of Peter's own. "Edwin is a homeless man that Miles brings snacks to sometimes." 

" _It was a taunt_." Harley muttered to himself. 

"Edwin Jarvis." Peter looked ready to throw up even if Jefferson didn't know what either of them was talking about. 

"Is that the guy who took my boy?" 

"Edwin Jarvis was the butler to Tony Stark." They were looking at each other, communicating through pain laced eyes. 

Jefferson thought it was a marvel, watching as a shadow fell across Peter's face. He looked older, suddenly. More…. 

Iron Man was working the case. 

Then again, so was _Spider-Man_. 

It clicked. 

Jefferson was going to be sick. 

"You…" 

He was _so young_ . They were all _so young_. 

Miles had only ever hero worshiped two people. 

It was _so obvious_ now that it was staring Jefferson in the face. 

He should turn him in, call the police and take him in for breaking so many different laws. 

Instead he let them walk out and, for the first time in his life, _prayed._


	37. Residue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: This is a fun text fic  
> Also me: BUT WHAT IF I HAD PLOT

Ben used to have a way of explaining Peter’s emotions that was so incredibly on point that it was almost terrifying. He had pulled Harry aside once, when he had shown up at the Parker household with a broken lip and excuses flinging from his tongue and Peter had thrown himself head first into a vicious asthma attack. May had taken her nephew aside, coaxed him through with a trembling inhaler and a quiet lullaby. Ben had taken Harry into the bathroom, opened their meager first aid kit on the toilet, picked Harry up by his armpits so he sat on the porcelain sink and cleaned his bleeding lip.

 _He’s scared_ , Ben had reassured when Harry, in his confusing childhood mind, asked if Peter was angry with him. _He wants to keep you safe but can’t so he lashes out the only way he knows how._ Quiet anger but screaming loud fear. 

Control. 

That’s what Harry knew it was now. 

Peter liked to be _in control._ It was something that must have been ingrained in him from his first tragedy to now. He didn’t know how to properly react when control was forced out of his hands. He _hated_ not being in control of a bad situation. 

Harry knew that. He empathized with it. 

But if Peter asked him one more time he might have to punch him in his dumb, earnest face. 

It had been two days now, two days out of the seven they were praying they still had, Harley had all but banned Peter from going out to investigate, and Harry was the designated babysitter for the time being. He had tried everything he could think of to distract his friend, but distractions never really worked for a mind like Peter’s. He thought too fast, too hard, and too much. With every round of Mario Kart, Peter’s mind was swirling with possibilities and plans and _ideas_ that he couldn’t implement. He had raged more than once in the three hour period about how _unfair_ it was to lock him in a room when he was their best asset for finding Miles safe and whole. 

It wasn’t arrogance, not when it was true. But Harry also knew however much Peter was an asset to the investigation he was also a danger. When he was scared he was unpredictable - just earlier that year he had nearly killed Arachne - Jessica - when she took May and had almost cut Harry out of his life completely over the Venom symbiote. Peter angry was something to be scared of - because he was methodological, he would approach the problem or the person with a scientific mind, solve it, and tear it down. _Scared_ meant that he didn’t know what he was supposed to do or how to handle the unusual situation he was stuck in. 

Compared to Harry’s ability to compartmentalize it was no wonder they were clashing at the moment. 

On top of it all, Harry was well aware of how much this case was tearing into Harley like a freight train. Not only did he _also_ care for Miles, he also cared for Peter and to see what this was doing to him day and night was pulling the other boy apart. 

“Harry…” 

Harry gripped the controller tight enough in his hands that they creaked. 

The question wasn’t making him angry, per say. Harry understood _why_ Peter was asking. He was well aware that it was a desperate attempt at controlling one problem and solving another in one of the most convoluted ways that Peter could think up. 

The question actually caused Harry misery, if he were being honest. He was torn between saying yes and saying no. Giving in because this was _Peter_ that was asking. Peter who never asked for anything but gave everything. Peter who would fight anything for anyone, no questions asked. Harry would do almost anything to erase the lines of grief that ran through his eyes - would _give_ Peter anything if it meant he would smile and it not be a poor painted on excuse for normalcy. 

Didn’t Peter know that Harry would die just to keep Peter from feeling any more pain than he already did?

But this…. 

“No.” _Fuck no_ , Harry wanted to say. _And let this destroy you more than it already does? No thanks Peter, I won’t be responsible for that._

Because if the months with Venom had taught Harry anything, it was that anger and fear were something that was incredibly easy to manipulate. Harry had a lifetime of experience when it came to controlling his emotions, and while Peter was _good_ at it in a way that was vaguely concerning, he had no semblance of control over them now. No matter how much he tried to fake it. 

Even now, with his brown eyes like puddles as he forced down tears that threatened to spill, Peter was trying _so hard_ to keep one hand on a burning stovetop. 

**_I’m yours_ ** , Venom whispered in his mind and huddled down into that ugly side of him like he was cuddling all of the anger Harry had spent his nights with since his father first laid a hand on him. Harry had always _liked_ Venom in a weird sort of way. Back when he had even first received him - when he had touched Peter when he was strapped down to his father’s laboratory table and felt the shift a Venom latched onto him - he had thought it was _so nice_ to not have to hide it down inside him anymore. He had never felt as _safe_ as he did with Venom. 

Peter had been his host once upon a time - Harry was well aware that Peter was strong enough to control Venom. 

**_Don’t need control. Don’t like control._ **

That. 

Harry also understood that. 

He didn’t like to think of himself as _controlling_ Venom. Venom was a living, breathing, thinking being. He had thoughts and emotions and reasons between every action. Harry and Venom coexisted - they breathed the same air, they ate the same food, and when Harry felt the familiar anger swirl up in his stomach he allowed it to give him comfort rather than worry of what he would do. 

On top of all of that, Venom didn’t exactly _like_ Peter. He respected him, and he definitely feared him, but he didn’t _like_ him. He put up with Peter, tolerated him for Harry’s sake. “ _Please,_ Harry.” 

He was begging. Just like Peter used to beg him to turn his father in, just like he used to beg him to run away and let Peter handle everything. 

Control. 

Peter thrived off of it. 

Harry grew in the lack of it. 

Venom swirled up inside him, clinging to the anger like a liferaft. **“No.”**

* * *

Harley felt like he was going to drop from the sky at any moment. He wasn’t even _in_ the sky, but he supposed the swooping in his stomach was cause enough for that feeling. He was on his fifth coffee of the day, was running off of probably four hours of sleep for the past two days, and they still _had nothing_. It felt like a horrible joke and the more Harley stared at the board with Miles’s face plastered on it the more he wanted to scream. 

He felt both incredibly old and ridiculously young all at once. This wasn’t even the biggest crisis of their _year_ , but somehow it was the one that was tearing at Harley most. Maybe it was the lack of a plan, the lack of clues to follow. Maybe it was the look on Rio Morales’s face when she saw them out two days ago, the way she looked like her world had just been shattered at her feet. Maybe it was the way Harley counted the hours Peter slept without a nightmare shattering whatever peace he was allowed to have. Maybe it was the way Harley himself wasn’t allowed a moment to catch his breath from one event to the next. 

Maybe they were cursed. 

None of this had happened _before_ they had met. 

Harley shook his head of the thought, banishing it from his mind the way he had the first time it had crossed his mind. Nothing about Peter Parker was cursed and Harley wasn’t about to let himself go back to life without him in it. He swallowed a rough scalding mouthful of coffee and narrowed his eyes at the board. 

They were missing something. 

The problem was that Miles hadn’t been taken as a way to target either Harley _or_ Peter, or even to target Jefferson or Aaron Davis. All of the evidence was pointing to the fact that Miles had been in the wrong place at the wrong time - he had been too nice to the wrong person and now had to suffer the consequences of kindness. There were no threads to pull that Harley could think of that hadn’t already been pulled. They knew Edward Whelen was ex-HYDRA (which, at this point, who wasn’t), they knew he had a mutation that screwed up the way his mind worked, and they knew he was bound to escalate at any point in time. So far he seemed to be sticking to his schedule, but just because they hadn’t found anything didn’t mean that they were in the clear. 

It simply meant that they _hadn’t found anything_. 

Harley had researched everything he could on the mentality of a killer - had spent hours watching police interviews, puzzled over crime scenes, and coming back to the same hard truths. Edward was a sadist, he enjoyed watching people squirm. He had a childlike mind as far as any reports showed, but that just meant that, like a child, he was bound to have explosive temper tantrums - only _his_ would be aided with sharp claws, long jagged teeth, and super strength. Edward was smart enough to know that it was Iron Man that was out looking for him, but not smart enough to know that it wasn’t Tony Stark in the suit. Granted, they had kept a good deal of that information out of the public eye, but any secret agent worth their stuff should have been able to figure it out. He was clever enough to know that Edwin Jarvis had been Tony’s butler growing up and that the name would spark a fire in Iron Man that wouldn’t be able to be put out. Edward _knew_ to take a child close to Stark Industries as a _dig_ that he was right under their noses and they _still_ couldn’t find him. 

It was aggravating because it was true. He was two steps ahead of them at every turn. Harley was frankly embarrassed how long it had taken them to figure out that Edward - Vermin - had deliberately called them out. He could chalk it up to stress but that felt like the easy way out. 

If he was being honest, Harley wasn’t on the top of his game. He was worried, _scared_ beyond belief, and the caffeine he had consumed only kept him awake - it didn’t _actually_ do anything to help. Tony had hacked the police files back with the second kid, but now Harley had finally combed through every tip that had been flooded in. Everything from aliens to psychics Harley had listened, cataloged, and ruled out. 

“You should probably switch to decaf.” It was a testament to how tired he was that Harley hadn’t noticed Tony enter through the door in front of him. He jumped, hot coffee spilling up and over the rim and onto the skin of his hand. Harley didn’t move to wipe it off, instead letting the feeling wake him in a way that the actual coffee hadn’t. 

Tony looked tired, not tired like Peter did or like Harley knew _he_ had to if he bothered to look in the mirror. But the sort of tired that came with old age - the deep lines of regret and lack of sleep. The gray hair caused by a stress so potent that Harley wished he would never feel it but knew that someday he unfortunately would. Tony looked at Harley the way he used to always wish his father would, if Harley had imagined his father would come back. 

Things between Harley and Tony were the messy sort of complicated. They hadn’t talked about what happened when Harley was younger - about Tony coming in and giving him something that felt like _family_ and then tearing it out a ten year old’s arms like it meant nothing. It had grown to be an understanding between the two of them, they couldn’t go back and change what happened even if they wished they could. Tony had invented time travel but even if he _did_ change it, there would always be a Harley out there that had been hurt. Harley didn’t wish it upon anyone, let alone another version of himself. And, as he grew older, that pain had faded into understanding. Because he _understood_ what happened and why it happened. Tony hadn’t promised anything back then, he hadn’t told Harley that he would replace his father or that he would save him from bumfuck Tennessee. He had just been a pipe dream of a lost little boy. 

Harley thought, if he really allowed himself, that he could understand Tony Stark better than Tony Stark understood himself. 

“Probably.” Harley agreed only once the coffee had gone cold on his skin and he shook off the remaining droplets so that they splattered on the table beside him. 

“How are you holding up?” Tony never called him _kid_ , not like he did Peter. Fundamentally because, well, Harley wasn’t _his_ kid. 

It didn’t bother Harley, not really. Even if that small, childish, part of him wished that he could be. Just for awhile. “I’m… holding.” Harley shrugged and watched as Tony sat down, slower than he used to so long ago but still with an agile strength that came from years of crime fighting. 

Tony was the oldest Avenger now, even retired. Steve Rogers was off doing whatever it was he did - and wasn’t that a sore subject to broach with either of the remaining members of his team. Sam got cagey if Steve was mentioned and Bucky did a _thing_ with his lips that looked vaguely as though he was trying not to cry. What would it be like, Harley thought, to be left behind when someone promised that they never would? Regardless, Tony didn’t look his age, he looked both older and younger and if someone ever saw him with Morgan no one would have guessed that he was nearing his mid-fifties. 

He looked at Harley with a face that said that he understood it all, even if Harley didn’t understand it himself. “How much sleep have you gotten?” Tony asked even as he placed a hand, gentle and calloused, on the skin of Harley’s wrist. 

The smile Harley pulled out _felt_ rough even for him. He looked at Tony through his eyelashes, saw the matching, sad smile that pulled there. Harley shrugged instead of answering. 

Tony hummed. “You know you don’t have to be okay, right?” 

“I can’t go fallin’ apart.” 

He could, actually, but Harley didn’t see what good it would do if he let himself. What good was an engineer if they couldn’t hold themselves together? “You know you’re no good to either of them if you don’t allow yourself to feel, right?” 

“What good am I to any of them anyway?” It was out before he could stop himself and Harley blamed it on the lack of sleep for losing his brain to mouth filter. 

Tony squeezed once, hard enough for Harley to wince and look down at him. The older man jerked his head to the open chair next to him and it was with a sigh that Harley let himself drop like a sullen child that was about to be scolded. “I’m just going to shut that down right now.” Tony spoke the moment Harley fixated on a grain on the table instead of his face. “You’re the best person to have on this case, you know that right? You think of things that amaze me every single day. If anyone can figure this out it’s you.” 

“If anyone can figure this out it’s _Peter_.” 

“No.” Tony shook his head. “Nu-uh. You’re not right there.” 

A protective streak the size of a country swept through Harley, then. Because Peter was the smartest person he knew, the most capable human being Harley had ever met. He had a mind that made miracles. He shot a look at Tony that spoke volumes but the other man didn’t flinch only laughed a little at the expression. 

“You think I don’t know how smart that kid is?” 

_That kid_. Peter hated being called a kid. 

“He’s analytical. He thinks in equations and formulas.” Tony shook his head and pointed at the board in front of them. “ _This guy_? He’s not going to fit into any equation or formula without throwing it all off. And let’s be honest here, Harley, Peter’s liable to fly off the handle any time now and do something that he’s going to regret for the rest of his life.” 

It was true. 

It was why Harley had taken one look at his face this morning and told him that he wasn’t investigating anymore. It hadn’t been a _pretty_ fight to have so early in the morning but Peter hadn’t slept more than half an hour in two days, he had barely eaten, and Harley saw the notes in unintelligible English Peter had been scrawling across notebook papers as his brain _tried_ _so hard_ to apply logic to something incredibly illogical. “I told him he wasn’t allowed to investigate anymore.” 

“But he’s the only one that can figure this out, huh?” Tony jostled his shoulder good naturedly. “People are closer to machines than you think. All machines leave a residue behind for people to find.” 

A residue. 

_Holy fucking shit_. 

Harley sat up with a snap, his eyes wide with realization. 

“What just hit you?” Tony asked with something close to excitement. He missed this, Harley realized. Missed the investigating and problem solving. 

Tony was more like Peter in a lot of ways, but Tony was the sort of person that liked a challenge and thoroughly enjoyed something that was just _far fetched enough_ to be ignored. 

There was something that had been found on all of the victim’s clothes. No one had thought anything of it because the kids hadn’t been bathing for a week at least, of course their clothes would be dirty. Of course there would be fecal matter stuck to them when they had no way to clean it off. 

But _what if it was on the cars too?_

“We need to test the cars.”

* * *

Edwin fell asleep with a toy truck in his hands and a snore on his lips. He hadn’t slept in at least the two days he had kept Miles and, because of that, Miles hadn’t slept either. Slow and careful, Miles slipped off his shoes to avoid making more noise than necessary, his eyes wide and round on the steady rise and fall of Edwin’s chest. He took off with barely a splash of water and, when he turned the corner where Edwin could no longer see him, sprinted away. 


	38. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for Peter's pov. If panic attacks or spiralling thoughts trigger you PLEASE skip over it. 
> 
> Believe it or not, we're starting our journey back up the hill after this. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to reach the top of the mountain.

_"And all the kids cried out please stop you're scaring me, I can't help this awful energy, goddamn right you should be scared of me, **who is in control**?" _

The problem with trying to be sneaky was that Miles, fundamentally, was not good at sneaking. He could _never_ even think of sneaking out at home - his dad would catch him, or his mom would catch him, or Miles would knock over a table lamp and catch himself. The stakes had never been higher - previously the highest stakes Miles had ever had to deal with was sneaking an injured pigeon he had found outside _into_ the apartment without either of his parents noticing. And they had noticed before he had even gotten out of the living room. 

He shouldn’t have expected a clean and easy getaway. 

Especially in a sewer. 

Miles wasn’t big on swearing - he didn’t see the appeal behind it and everyone around him did it so rarely that he wouldn’t even know how to correctly use it if he ever felt the need to. He learned, on that day, that swearing was actually a second nature. It was something that people just picked up on, like syntax or pronunciation. Even if you weren’t exposed consciously, the odds were that you knew how to use the words and phrases when you were _five_ but you just knew that using them would get you in trouble. 

His foot slipped on a puddle, he caught himself on the stone wall with a loud slap of his palm and heard Edwin call out to him like his mom when he had wandered off in the craft store - loud, scared, and _furious._ “ _William Shitner.”_

Miles threw all caution to the wind then, it was already too late to be quiet and in a sewer there wasn’t exactly anywhere to hide. He dropped his shoes and _ran_. 

Maybe it was irrational - but Miles had been working off only a good six hours of adrenaline fueled sleep. He was _tired_ and every bone in his body ached to just _lay down_ and never see a toy car again. Still, Miles kept the red and blue Hot Wheels toy clenched tight in his fist repeating like a mantra in his head: _If Spider-Man can do it so can I, If Spider-Man can do it so can I, If Spider-Man can do it so can I, If Spider-Man can do it so can I._

He compared it to playing tag when he was younger because if he could convince himself that that was what he was doing then the fear would disappear. The fear that was clawing after him in the form of a man with pink, flat and dirty fur and fingernails that poked out of his hands like claws. "Miles, come back!" 

He didn't let himself slow down, even on the turns. 

_If you're ever in a pursuit situation never run in a straight line_ , Uncle Aaron had told him one day when they had gone hiking. _Make it harder for them to track you by running erratically_. 

It was funny, sort of, what the mind remembered in worst case scenarios. Miles could almost _taste_ his mother's paella salty on the tip of his tongue. He could smell the scent of drying paint and feel the cakiness of acrylics on his fingertips. He could hear Uncle Aaron's laugh booming through his ears and feel the comforting heavy weight of his father's arms around his shoulders. 

He thought of that time when he was ten years old and Uncle Aaron had picked him up from school early without his parents knowing. He remembered the way the cake from the cafe they stopped at tasted on his tongue, could still imagine the way his cheeks had bulged when he took a bite that was too big. Uncle Aaron had let him have his first sip of coffee then and it was too bitter for Miles to ever want to try it again, but then, just a few weeks before all of this mess, Miles had accidentally drunk some of Harley's and thought _wow, this is really good_. There was something about it - Harley used brown sugar and honey instead of cream and granulated. Uncle Aaron had laughed at the way Miles had screwed up his face and spit it out in the garbage nearby. Harley had grabbed the mug so fast out of his hand that Miles had almost spilled it all down his shirt and had said something about stunting growth. 

" _Miles!"_

Everyone said his name differently. His mother said it with her soft accent like sand on a hot summer beach. His dad said it like Miles was the only thing he could see - rough like the city he grew up in but hopeful like the uniform he wore everyday. Uncle Aaron said it like he was musing Miles's hair - soft, even pressured and fond. Michelle said it with exasperation - like an older sister that had seen entirely too much of him in that one single day. But she talked to everyone but Harry like that. Harry, himself, almost never called Miles by his actual name. It was always a nickname, a joking _nephew_ thrown about or a _kiddo_ or _mi hermano_ in the worst spanish accent Miles had ever heard. Harley said it with his southern drawl - he _sounded_ like nothing Miles had imagined the south to be - kind, smooth and slow. Unless he was excited, when he was excited he spoke fast and light. Peter sounded like Miles was the sun breaking over a mountain. He _sounded_ like New York - strong, busy, hopeful despite everything, and bright. He always said _Miles_ and not _kid_ or _son_ or any other variation of pet name like Harley or Harry seemed so fond of. Peter didn't _do_ pet names unless it was to Harley and Miles actually liked it. He liked being just _Miles_ to someone. 

Miles could see the sunlight at the end of the tunnel and saw Peter just beyond it, sitting at a table in a restaurant, a notebook open in front of him while he scribbled across the lines a much easier solution to a math problem Mikes couldn't understand. He wanted to reach out and _grab_ him and hide behind his, not much taller frame - bury his face in his back and feel safe and secure behind a hero that would go through hell and back for him. 

He turned away from that light, though. Turned his back on Peter to avoid being _too predictable_ and kept running. He kept running even as the muscles in his legs screamed at him to stop and kept going through damp and dank tunnels that smelled of human excrement. 

His arms hurt from all the walls he had banged into, his feet burned from the tears the stone had carved into them, and his ankle stung with a pinprick precision on the back tendon like something had bitten him but Miles _kept going_. 

_Don't look back_ , his mind said. _Never look back._

* * *

The thing about acting irrationally was that Peter _knew_ he was being irrational. He _knew_ if he just stopped and thought things over that he would be able to notice just how irrational he was being. He was tired in a way that was frankly terrifying, everytime he closed his eyes he only saw the faces of dead children floating behind his eyelids begging to be saved. He couldn’t _eat_ \- had thrown out the pasta May had made because the sauce looked too much like dried _blood_ on pavement and caked to hair. He couldn’t even _look_ at his suit without feeling bile rise up hot in his throat and his eyes were red enough that they looked like he had just gone ten rounds with a bottle of pepper spray. 

Harley was concerned, Peter knew that the same way that he knew polyatomic ions. Peter _hated_ it when people were concerned - hated it when Harley found him dry heaving over the toilet late at night and just got him a glass of ice cold water to hold to his neck. He saw how much all of this was tearing Harley apart too - saw the discarded coffee cups, the shaking hands, the red rimmed eyes. Usually Peter was considered the more emotional one of the two of them but Peter had a firm hand on his emotions that were stuffed deep in a ratty old paper box in his mind. Sam had said to him - years ago, when Peter went to him for counseling after the whole Beck fiasco - that hiding his negative emotions in a box and stuffing them deep inside himself was only going to backfire. 

Peter had laughed in his face. 

Now, though… now he could see just how right he had been. 

It was almost like every _bad_ thing Peter had ever caused was dancing in front of his face. Every decision he had ever made was taunting him with the face of Miles, staring up at the sky unseeing as the world drifted by him. 

He gripped at his hair and _pulled_ until it hurt, squeezing his eyes shut tight where he sat on the edge of his bed. 

The world was too loud. 

Peter could hear exactly where everyone was in the building - could count each step Bucky was taking five floors below, could feel the family arguing four blocks away pounding against his skull, could taste the tires of cars as they sped over gravel and slammed on breaks. He didn’t have to concentrate to hear May speaking in low tones just in the kitchen because it sounded like a blow horn in his ears - he knew the cadence of Harley’s voice like he knew the beat of his own heart, could pick up on the exhaustion from the way he breathed in the workshop. He could pinpoint exactly where Harry was, patrolling the streets with Gwen seven miles away with MJ and Ned connected through bluetooth, joking about happier times with an edge of worry and concern in their voices. Tony was on the ground floor, playing catch with Morgan and Happy and it was all _too much_ because the one person he couldn’t hear was the one person he wanted to hear. 

_Failure_. 

His senses had never _failed_ him like this before - so totally and completely and like a slap in the face. 

_That good ol’ Parker luck._

Uncle Ben used to say that whenever anything went wrong. Would mess Peter’s hair and pull him in close to his hip when he had dried tear tracks on his face and tell him all about all the bad days he had experienced himself. All the ways Richard would shrug off even the worst ones with a smile and game of catch in the backyard. 

The words now just felt like a dagger plunged deep into Peter’s stomach - and he could say that because he had felt that pain one too many times. 

His anxiety had made him chew his nails down to bleeding buds that healed entirely too quick for his liking. 

He needed to _concentrate_ but how could he concentrate when the world was spirling so far out of control so _loudly_ that it echoed in his mind and _just wouldn’t stop._

“Peter.” He flinched because even said softly his name felt like someone had just taken a hammer and crushed all the bones in his hand with it. “Find my heartbeat.” 

Matt didn’t touch him, he knew all too well not to do that even if he wanted to, instead he knelt in front of him, his hands locking Peter into his spot on the bed close enough to his legs that he felt the heat of his palms seeping into him. “I can’t.” Peter muttered through gritted teeth. 

“Find Harley’s.” It was softer than Matt had spoken before. “Where is he right now?” 

The workshop, five floors up and to the right. He was alone, tapping a pen against his desk while he waited for a test to finish running on the computer in front of him. His heart was thumping in time with the pen, his breathing slow and controlled like he did before he fell asleep every night. 

The world dimmed, centered, and spread out around him and finally, _finally_ it was the only thing Peter could hear. 

“There you are.” Matt’s hand found his knee as Peter allowed his own to drop from his ears and slumped forward. His forehead hit Matt’s shoulder and he breathed in deep as the older man wrapped strong arms around his back. Peter didn’t have the energy in him to hug back even if he wanted to. “Match your breath to his.” 

Peter had played this game before, had been in this position with Matt before too - held tight by arms that were strong enough to hold up the world and listened to a calm and even voice in his ear as Matt walked him through accepting that he didn’t always have to have a firm grip on his senses. He had used the technique in fights before, timed everything to an opponent's breath and listened for a stutter in a heartbeat to catch a lie. 

He squeezed his eyes tight and breathed in when Harley did, felt Matt shift his own pattern to match theirs, felt his shoulders drop from where they had hitched up high enough to frame his ears. 

It was only by tuning into Harley as strongly as he was that he noticed the shift of Harley’s breath when the computer beeped. The pen stopped tapping on the desk, Harley’s feet hit the ground from where he had been lounging with them atop his desk - which he _knew_ Peter hated but kept doing anyway. “ _Holy shit_ ,” Harley breathed and was up in an instant. 

His footsteps echoed in the hall, all but ran over to the elevator and Peter pushed away from Matt in record speed. He grabbed the door to open it at the same time Harley raised a hand to knock. He had a buzz of energy around him, a crazed excitement in his blue eyes that reminded Peter of crashing waves on a beach and planted hands, firm, on Peter’s shoulders. “I found him.”

* * *

Jessica hated waiting. 

It was an itch in her legs that urged her to walk forward even as her head told her to stay put. Gwen had called her ten minutes ago, asked her to meet them outside of a sewer grate and had said they would be no longer than fifteen minutes. Jessica had heard someone else on the other end - Harry Osborn - the boy with the black swirling deep in his eyes even as he tried to push it down - and she hadn’t _liked_ the idea of waiting. “Why?” She had asked and Gwen had paused on the other end almost as though contemplating how much information Jessica had actually needed. 

“We have a lead.” 

Jessica hadn’t pushed more. 

She knew perfectly well _why_ they needed her there. If they had a lead then that meant the Spider would be coming along and, based purely off what she had seen just a few days before, he was nearing the end of a very tightly stretched and frayed line. Jessica was a distraction, an asset, someone to take that _fear_ and _angry_ energy and target it towards. 

She was okay with that. 

Jessica had been angry once before too. Had been so scared it solidified in her veins. It was odd to remember who she had been before HYDRA, and even weirder to know she wasn’t the only one it had happened to. 

She partially owed her memories and the return to who she once had been - though a broken mosaic of _Jessica Drew_ mixed and glued back together with pieces of _Arachne_ \- to the Spider ( _Peter_ , his file had said, such a simple name for such a complex creature such as him). Jessica wanted to speak to him, to know him in the way that the files didn’t. He had always intrigued her, even back when they were playing cat and mouse on rooftops. He was young but also smart and clever. 

Jessica hadn’t wanted to meet him or speak to him the way they were seemingly being forced to. 

She checked her watch and frowned at the time. Twenty minutes. 

They were late. 

And wasting precious time. 

Jessica had poured over the files of Edward Whelen for hours when the second child had gone missing - they were part of a slew of information she had found dumped on the internet years before when SHIELD had “fallen”. Public information that anyone could have looked up and connected the dots to - except according to HYDRA Edward had died. 

Because Edward _had_ died. 

There was no Edward Whelen left to dig back up - not like _her_ , not like Barnes or the countless other operatives. The methods they used on him were dangerous and entirely unethical. Jessica wasn’t sure how much of Edward had even existed back when he went by that name. A history of abuse, a man that had never really had the chance to _be_ a man. Jessica would have felt sorry for him if she didn’t know the atrocities he had committed regardless of upbringing. 

There was no excuse for hurting children. 

Jessica wasn’t startled when the Spider arrived first, Iron Man - the younger one, the second one, the replacement - close on his heels. Gwen and her mysterious friend were turning the corner and Jessica noticed how Osborn faltered, just a moment, when he saw the red and blue before continuing onward. _Interesting_ , she thought. They didn’t want him here. Were unsure of how he would react to whatever they found. 

She hoped, for the Spider’s sake, that it was good news and not a lifeless body. 

Up close and with a clear mind Jessica found it easier to be in an almost awe at the way Spider-Man moved. He had an easy carelessness that radiated strength, the suit leaving very little to the imagination. He stood with a quiet strength, a threat that radiated off boyishly bright colors that dared anyone to try and mess with something he was close to. 

Jessica wasn’t _afraid_ of the Spider - she found herself constantly more fearful of herself - but she could see, now, with the tightly coiled muscles resembling a snake ready to strike, why everyone else seemed to be. She could understand the pure marvel to science that a boy with radioactivity flowing through his veins was, could maybe see the strategy behind trying to understand _that_ . She thought, though, looking at him, that perhaps the key wasn’t the science but the _boy_ it was given to. 

Would anyone else but the most pure of them all be able to host such a power? Peter, Gwen… Jessica didn’t think the venom would have stuck anyone if they did not have clear, kind morals. 

Childish, the thought definitely was that. But so far it had yet to be disproven. 

Professor Erskine, back with Captain America and an experiment on Steven Rogers, had said the same thing. The _person_ was what was important more than the _science._

“Are you ready for this?” Jessica was addressing them all as a whole, even as they nodded, stiff and controlled at different times. She kept her eye on the Spider, though, heard the deep, deep breath he sucked in before reaching out red and blue hands to pull _sharply_ on the metal grate. 

It fell to the ground like it was nothing and they stepped inside, a rescue party of tightly coiled fear. 

Jessica didn’t know if she believed in a higher being - if there was one than it had abandoned her long ago or, perhaps, sent Gwen as an angel to offer her a chance back into paradise - but she hoped, for the sake of the world, that this child was able to be saved. 

She didn’t know if she could stop the Spider if he wasn’t.

* * *

They found Miles first, collapsed just minutes through the grate. He had been close to an exit, but his eyes were closed, breathing shallow and short. Harley picked up a pulse at the same time Peter’s legs seemingly gave out with a splash from the dirty water Miles laid in. There was no blood except on torn feet, but even with a gentle hand on his face his eyes didn’t flutter. His temperature was dangerously high, his face painted with the pale blue of near death. 

Harley couldn’t bring himself to fall beside Peter, couldn’t move beyond where he stood near Miles’s bare feet. Harry knelt where he couldn’t, a hand outstretched and voice pitched low beside Peter’s face. “He needs a hospital.” Harry whispered almost pleadingly to his friend - his brother - as Peter bowed his head and tapped out an unsteady heartbeat on Miles’s chest. 

Harley knew the moment it turned bad. 

All three with enhancements tensed, as a scanner went off in his suit alerting them to a quickly approaching heat signature.

They found Edward Whelen turning a corner, a snarl on his lips and spittal flying from elongated tips of his teeth. He looked almost sad, almost worried before he caught sight of them. 

After six months together Harley could say he was pretty in tune with the way Peter reacted to most things. He saw it happening in almost slow motion, the disregard of web shooters and the way he _sprang_ forward faster than anyone could have predicted. He saw Harry shifting into something black in surprise, or anger, or fear to shoot out a black sludge to _grab_ him. He saw Gwen spring forward herself holding on for just a moment before the two of them accidentally crossed paths and tangled together when Peter sidestepped at the last second. 

Vermin, _Edward_ , was slammed back into a hard sewer wall with a noise so loud it echoed around them all. Spider-Man - _Peter_ \- had Vermin bleeding in seconds, making noises Harley couldn’t place in his logical mind in between full strength punches. 

Harley had never been afraid of Peter and he never would be, this was no different even if it should have been. 

Neither Gwen, nor Harry, tried again to stop him as Vermin’s head banged against the stone. He deserved it, whatever justice Peter decided to dole out. 

But _Peter_ didn’t deserve it. 

“Enough, Spider!” Jessica surprised them all, her arm wrapping tight around Peter’s waist to wrench him back and throwing him against Harley hard enough the both stumbled. Peter made to go back, even as Vermin collapsed in a heap on the ground in an ugly to Miles just steps away. The suit whirred as Harley hugged him in close, grunting while Peter tried to pull away and Jessica pushed him farther and harder back. “ _Stop.”_ She hissed and Harley knew she was exerting herself from the sweat that dripped down from her nose. 

“ _Peter.”_ Harley found his voice, finally. “Miles needs a doctor.” 

He wished he could see his face, could look into his eyes and drag him back to a reality that was so horribly cruel to him. He wished he could hold him tight and never let go. “ _Pete.”_

He dropped, like nothing was left in him and Harley let the suit fall from his body with a clash of metal on concrete walls. “Karen, route to the emergency med bay as quick as you can.” 

“Yes, Harley.” Karen answered through the reformed helmet and bent down to pick Miles up from the ground. He looked so small in the suit’s arms, fragile in a way that a fourteen year old shouldn’t look. 

Harley reached up a hand to pull off Peter’s mask and crumple it down by their knees, sewer water seeping into his jeans and making his legs wet. He had hoped that seeing Peter’s face would make things better - face to face, eye to eye - while Jessica, Gwen and Harry picked Vermin up between the three of them to hustle him out. 

It was a minute of staring into the depth of brown agony before Harley wound a hand in the hair at the nape of Peter’s neck and pulled him forward, ignoring how his bones creaked when Peter scrambled tight at his shoulders. He jerked his head when Harry stuttered near the exit, turning around to look at them with a pain so deep in his face that Harley couldn’t stand to look at it. _Go_ , he said with his eyes. 

It was only when the others left that Peter _screamed,_ loud and muffled and broken into the fabric of Harley’s shoulder. 

He just shut his eyes and held him tighter, even as his world fell apart at his feet. 


	39. Grief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for Peter's intense grief and spiraling thoughts here. 
> 
> Also tissue warning, I guess. I was a crying mess so... have some tissues ready?

Grief was something that Peter was intimately connected to. One of his first memories was of the day he found out his parents had died. He remembered it so completely that sometimes it shocked even him. The most prominent memory of that day was the smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies - he had just made those with May (Tollhouse from the package because May had always been atrocious at cooking) and they were cooling atop the oven. He had been so excited to eat one - the way a child was  _ always _ excited to try something sweet, especially when their parents limited the intake of sweets he was allowed to have. He had told May just hours before how excited he was to have his mother try one - he had never baked before without her in the kitchen and even frozen child him considered it homemade. 

He hadn’t understood when Ben came home to tell him, red rimmed eyes and a soft  _ come here, champ _ . He had picked Peter up under his armpits, sat him on the kitchen counter - right next to the cooling cookies - so that the two of them were eye to eye. His big, strong calloused hand brushed a thumb under his eye even though Peter hadn’t started crying yet. He had looked older than the twenty eight he had been then, much older even then May’s twenty six, and took a deep, steadying breath. Peter didn’t understand the words themselves passing Ben’s lips. He remembered more May’s soft gasp of air from the doorway. 

He remembered the way it  _ felt _ . He had been very confused - what seven year old was familiar with death? It was the one time that Peter ever remembered seeing Uncle Ben cry - he had struggled with words after so much that May had pulled him into a hug and reached out to Peter with a soft  _ oh baby _ when he asked for clarification when Mommy and Daddy were coming home. 

Peter remembered when it hit him that Mommy and Daddy were  _ never _ coming home. It was at the wake when he saw his mother’s painted, young face with her hands folded over her stomach. He had brought his teddy bear with him and been forced into a suit even though he  _ hated _ wearing one (he matched the suit Ben had picked out for Richard - it wasn’t a choice made on purpose and when Ben had looked at his brother in the casket he had blinked twenty times before making Peter take off the jacket). Peter, at seven, was intimately familiar with how his mother looked when she slept. Her hair was never in a nice, soft curl that bounced off her cheek - but instead wild around the top of her head and sticking up in weird places. She absolutely  _ never _ wore makeup - that was a big no-no, she had told Peter when he saw her cleaning it all off (it was okay, though, he had told her. She looked prettier without it on anyway). And Mommy would never wear a dress with heels. Shoes weren’t allowed beyond the doorway and Mommy never put on heels until they were out in the entry room. 

Anyway, he was holding Randy Bear by the paw and had reverted to sucking on his thumb just because May never pulled it away like Mommy did. He was tucked up high on May’s waist, tired because it was late, and he could see Harry off in the corner holding his mother’s - Auntie Elizabeth, Mommy’s best friend.  _ She looks like she’s sleeping, _ May had said in a voice that Peter wasn’t supposed to hear but, still, it struck him as odd when he looked down at his mother. Because she didn’t look a thing like she was sleeping. She looked  _ wrong _ . 

She never slept without Daddy by her side and Daddy was off in front of her instead of beside her.  _ Mommy doesn’t wear makeup when she sleeps,  _ Peter had said to May and reached out a small, warm hand to wipe away the powder that painted her face. 

_ Peter, don’t, _ but even as a child Peter had been quick. Her skin was cold. 

Mommy hated being cold. 

_ Mommy’s cold _ , Peter said and took the jacket that Ben had taken off of him and May had sticking out of her purse and draped it over his mother’s exposed hands. 

He remembered the way May’s breath hitched and how she tried to pull him away. But Peter fought her, his hands outstretched for the first image of his mother he had seen in a week - and she didn’t  _ look _ right. Mommy always woke up when he was in the room. May had called Ben over and Peter had yelled when Ben plucked him out of his aunt’s arms and demanded he be brought back because  _ Mommy didn’t sleep alone. _

_ She’s not alone, Pete, I promise. _ Ben had said with his mouth pressed against the top of his head. 

But Peter hadn’t calmed down until Ben brought him back, and he tucked Randy Bear tight against her side and left his jacket covering her hands and leaned down and pressed a feather soft child’s kiss to his mother’s forehead like she always did when she put him to bed.  _ Good night, Mommy.  _ He had said.  _ I love you more than the whole world.  _

Peter didn’t remember saying goodbye to his father, he only had memories of playing with Harry with the origami Auntie Elizabeth had brought them. 

Elizabeth Osborn’s funeral had been very different - Peter had been ten then and incredibly aware of exactly what had happened in a way that as a child he had been unsure how to phrase. It was something in the way Harry always had bruises and the closed casket that told him that it hadn’t been from a freak accident like Norman Osborn wanted the world to believe. Peter had held Harry’s hand the whole time, had snuck his friend off to an alcove to cry against his shoulder. 

Ben’s death had… hit differently. Hit harder, maybe. Hit in the gut and  _ twisted _ like a knife.  _ It’s not your fault _ , Ben had said even as he faded with Peter’s blood soaked hands pressing against a wound with all of the enhanced strength he had in his thirteen year old body.  _ I love you so much, Peter. I love you so much. _ He had said it like a mantra. Like it was something that he was desperate to get across to Peter even as he screamed at him to  _ not go please don’t leave _ . 

_ Watch over your aunt for me, okay _ , Ben had requested and raised a cold, shaking hand to Peter’s cheek.  _ I am so proud of who you’ve become _ . 

Peter had spent the next five months sleeping in May’s bed, holding his aunt together as she held him from breaking into pieces. He had helped arranged the wake, the funeral, shook hands with officers and flinched at every shot of the twelve gun salute. He had washed his hands every day until they were red raw but still felt the hot blood caked between his fingers. 

Peter  _ wanted  _ Ben now. 

He wanted him to hold him together the way he always had. 

Harley hadn’t left him alone, not exactly. He was standing in the corner of the too white  _ too crisp  _ waiting room and tried his hardest to explain to Jefferson Davis and Rio Morales what exactly was happening to their son. The problem was that Peter was smart enough to understand that they  _ didn’t know _ what was happening to Miles. Harley hadn’t wanted to leave his side, had been the only thing even holding Peter together with a blanket over his shoulders and his heartbeat playing an almost mocking song against Peter’s eardrum. 

Peter knew what a heart sounded like when it was dying. 

The first one he had heard was Ben’s as he bled out under Peter’s unskilled hands, the second had been Tony on a battlefield, and the  _ third _ was Miles as he laid against cold cobblestone pavement. 

Peter pulled the blanket tighter around himself and buried his face deep in the knobs of his knees and wished Harley was there again instead of just at the end of the hall - his heart strong and healthy and steady amongst the echoes of Miles’s fading pulse as it danced in his head. He wanted to press his hands tight against his ears but a chill was spread so deep in his body that  _ he _ felt as though he was the one lying in a hospital bed minutes away from death. 

“Will he make it?” Jefferson asked with a grief so deep in his voice it reminded Peter of the way Peter had asked Ben when he was going to get to see Mommy and Daddy again. Denial was a strong thing and after such misery Peter refused to fool himself with it anymore. “ _ Will Miles make it?” _

Harley didn’t know how to answer and Peter tasted the lie as though it was coming from his tongue and not Harley’s when he said, “The doctor’s are hopeful.” 

The doctor’s weren’t hopeful. 

Miles had a fever of 110 degrees and it wasn’t going down. His breathing was being monitored by a tube stuffed down his throat, his brain was almost catatonic, and his heart rate was closer to forty beats per minute than the minimum sixty. 

A rational, smart mind was a danger in situations like these. 

“You’ll fix my son though, won’t you Mister Parker?” He hadn’t heard Rio approach and he couldn’t find it in him to answer as her red rimmed brown eyes bore into him. 

She looked like her son, had the same spunk. 

“Rio,” Jefferson reached out for her at the same time she shrugged him off. 

“You’ll fix my son.” She said it like it was a demand. “You’ll fix my baby.” 

Harley pursed his lips and his own eyes were red from the tears Peter knew he had cried while holding Peter close. He looked destroyed, but determined in a way Peter couldn’t muster. 

Was he supposed to lie to Rio? Was he meant to tell her that he would save Miles? How could he promise something when he knew in his heart that it wasn’t going to ever happen? 

He  _ wanted  _ to promise her. He wanted to be the hero the suit made him look to everyone. He wished he could be what the world expected of him - a hero would look Rio in the eye and say “yes” with such certainty that would never break. Peter had invented a vaccine to an unknown virus. He had outsmarted HYDRA, had defeated so many villains with brilliant minds. He had saved so many lives, given up so much, and would give  _ anything  _ to switch places with Miles in that very moment. 

_ I will _ , he opened his mouth to say. 

“I…” Just say it, his mind yelled at him. Make that promise and get to work. “ _ I don’t know how _ .” 

Rio collapsed almost backwards into Jefferson’s arms and her anguish was so  _ loud _ that it felt like a tsunami. Maybe if he shut his eyes she would be gone. 

He squeezed them tight and opened them to an empty room, save for him and Harley - Harley fast asleep in a position that was bound to give him a crick in his neck. His hand was resting atop Peter’s foot where it peaked out of the blanket. Peter didn’t remember changing out of the suit, but he also didn’t remember Rio and Jefferson leaving the room. He could still hear her in his head, begging for a promise Peter couldn’t bring himself to give. 

His eyes crusted and swollen and Peter hadn’t cried like this since he was sixteen and  _ alone  _ in a foreign country being taunted with his worst thoughts of  _ if you had been faster, if you had been better than they would still be here _ . 

It felt like anxiety, and the silence was suffocating. 

His mind was his worst enemy. If Peter looked to the left he saw Ben, bleeding and trying to reassure in his last moments. If he looked to his right it was his mother in the casket, cold and with perfect curls and made up to look her best. If he looked in the center it was Miles, on his back with blue lips and barely breathing and in them all he was the only common denominator. 

The link to tragedy was  _ him _ . 

He… couldn’t save anyone could he? 

“Peter.” Tony’s hand closed gentle over his shoulder, a sad sort of smile twisting on his lips. “Get out of that head of yours.” He shook him a little, and how could he look at Peter like that when he had caused all of this? 

“No,” Tony said with a frown, “Stop that thought right now.” 

What thought? 

Peter was a scientist. He worked in facts and numbers, he worked in truth. And, fundamentally, if there was a common denominator then  _ that _ had to be the truth. He had tested out his theory many times - had played the victim and the hero when ultimately he was the  _ villain _ and it was funny, wasn’t it, how long it had taken him to figure it out. “This isn’t your fault.” Tony said lowly, like he told Morgan stories at night. 

And suddenly Peter ached for something he had never had. He imagined a world where he had been raised with a different family - if he had been in Ned’s place, just the fun friend that had never lost anyone the way Peter, or Harry, or hell even Harley had. He would be happy, then wouldn’t he? To go home and hug his parents and hold his fiance’s hand and listen to podcasts while he worked. 

“I did this.” Peter sounded like he was sick, when Peter couldn’t get sick. 

“A monster did this, Pete.” 

“ _ I  _ did this.” 

“Peter.” 

“If he never met me.” 

“He would be dead right now.” 

Peter shook his head almost frantically. “No, he’s still be alive.” 

“Kid,” Tony’s hand went to his cheek then, the same place Ben’s hand used to rest, and ran a thumb under his eye to catch the tears. “He  _ is _ still alive.” 

For now, Peter wanted to say but choked on the words. 

“I  _ heard _ …” He cut himself off with a hitch. “ _ Tony _ , I heard his heart…” 

Parents had a noise they made when something hit them so deep but there were no words to say to comfort. Tony made that noise then, his arms reaching up to pull Peter tight against his chest. “I don’t want him to die.” Peter said, his mouth brushing over the stubble on Tony’s neck and the fear that clawed at his throat finally breaking free. “I don’t want him to die, dad,  _ please _ .” 

* * *

Gwen didn’t really  _ know _ Miles the way the others did. 

She still didn’t feel right being in the room with him while Peter and Harley were regulated to a waiting room. Harley hadn’t been able to make it past the doorway before crumbling an hour before, and Peter hadn’t even acknowledged anyone trying to talk to him since Rio Morales begged for him to fix her child. Gwen hadn’t heard from Harry or MJ in what felt like ages, but she knew they were cooped up with Jessica and the other Avengers interrogating Vermin. 

Gwen wasn’t necessarily  _ told _ to keep an eye on Miles but, rather, she had decided to do it herself. 

He was a cute kid, even hooked up to a ridiculous amount of machines. 

Gwen wasn’t a science person, wasn’t anything close to medical personnel, and even she knew the chances of him surviving whatever Vermin had given him were slim. Still, she held out hope, if only for the sanity of her friends just a room away. She didn’t think Peter could handle it - she hadn’t known him for long but she knew him well enough to see that his control had cracked and fallen to pieces just earlier that day. And god forbid… Gwen wasn’t prepared for what would happen to Harley. He had been so depressed when she had met him back in college and he had fought so hard to get back to some idea of happiness. This could break both of them, even if Harley wouldn’t admit it. 

She bent over Miles’s body, something in her mind telling her that they were missing something that should have been obvious. There were no pinpricks - nothing that said that he had been drugged by a needle with something. 

Vermin wasn’t giving anything up, which Gwen figured was to be expected from someone as insane as he clearly was. 

Gwen huffed and sat back in the chair again, her arms crossed tight over her chest and grabbed for the chart the doctors had tacked to the end of his bed and stopped. 

There was puckered skin around the back of his ankle, two little red holes. 

“ _ Oh _ .” Gwen let out the word like a puff of air and surged to her feet. 

Peter had described to her, once, on a really bad day, what it had been like for him after the initial spider bite.  _ I thought I was going to die _ , he had said. 

She had to tell someone. Had to tell  _ Peter _ . 

The door clanged behind her against the wall when she all but sprinted from Miles’s bedside. Two turns down sterile hallways led her to the waiting room she knew Harley and Peter were holed up in. Harley’s body jerked hard when she burst into the room and Gwen stopped just a step into the doorway as her best friend blinked himself awake and Tony Stark shot her an almost dark look from where he sat with Peter curled up in his arms. He had his cheek resting atop Peter’s curls, his hand rubbing soft circles in his back. 

Tony Stark was crying too, even as Peter’s shoulders shook from underneath the blanket lying over him. He was trying, obviously, to keep it under wraps - his lips were pursed tight and a broken repeated,  _ ti sono vicino  _ whispered into Peter’s ear. With every gasp of breath Peter let out, Tony seemed to break just a little bit more. 

It felt like an intimate moment for Gwen to be intruding on. 

“Harley.” She jerked her head and ignored how her friend pressed a hard kiss to the side of Peter’s head before making his way over to her. 

He had fear in his blue eyes and Gwen stamped that fear with a tight, rough hug around his shoulders. “He was bitten.” She said in a rush with his arms tight around her back. 

Harley pulled away sharply. “What?” 

“Spider bite.” She said with hope. 

“ _ What?”  _

“We… he needs calories and water. His body’s trying to heal itself.” 

Harley swallowed hard. “Gwen…” 

“He’s going to make it, Harls.” She squeezed his hands in hers. “He’s going to make it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miles is going to be okay!!!! How exciting is that? 
> 
> I don't know about you, but I'm excited for Peter to get the news.


	40. Spider-Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sings: Things are looking u-up!

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**MJ:** but how

**Ned:** I mean really

**MJ:** I’m so

**MJ:** what even

**Ned:** Has anyone told Peter yet? 

**Harls:** working on it 

**MJ:** I need someone that understands this to explain it to me 

**MJ:** cuz like

**MJ:** I thought there was only o n e spider

**MJ:** and it died

**Ned:** Unless there were more

**Ned:** but like

**Ned:** I don’t know how? 

**Ned:** Like is there any record of how many were made? 

**Harry:** no

**MJ:** you’ve checked everywhere though?

**Harry:** aside from talking to daddy yes

**Ned:** I mean

**Harry:** hard no

**Gwen:** not that i dont sympathize w ur pain 

**Gwen:** cuz i do

**Gwen:** if he knows and the info could help every1

**Gwen:** maybe u should

**MJ:** He said no

**MJ:** Just accept it and move on

**Harry:** next time you suffer a lifetime of abuse and someone tells you to go confront your abuser regardless of how that would fuck with you, then you can talk to me ( **deleted)**

**Harry:** Go ask him yourself if you’re so interested ( **deleted)**

**Harry:** no thank you 🙃🙃🙃🙃

**MJ:** okay so like 

**MJ:** I’m not a bio person 

**MJ:** And I think the only person we have that is is Peter 

**MJ:** And he is n o t in the right mental space to explain this

**MJ:** but does like

**MJ:** anyone understand what exactly is going on? Like why is Miles reacting this way? 

**MJ:** Cuz someone has to tell his parents and they’re gonna have questions that I 

**MJ:** personally

**MJ:** Would like to field before they get asked to our friend in the midst of a mental breakdown

**Harls:** hey maybe take this to another chat so said friend can’t see this when he’s feeling up to looking at his phone

**Harls:** just a thought really

**Ned:** Oop

**Ned:** I’ll make a new one for us to do this

**Ned:** Wanna be in it or? 

**Ned:** @harls

**Harls:** don’t really have the time tbh

**Harls:** i’ll send updates to Har when i have them

**Ned:** cool man thanks

**Harry:** 👍

**Harry:** give Pete a hug for me

**MJ:** ^

**MJ:** Sorry about before too

**MJ:** I didn’t even think

**Harls:** it’s whatever

**_The Gang_ **

**Gwen:** dont forget to take care of urself too

**Harls:** 🙃

**Gwen:** Harley

**Harls:** Gwen

**Gwen:** what good r u 2 him if u collapse

**Harls:** at this point 

**Harls:** i’m more concerned w pete deciding this world is better without him 

**Harls:** than going to bed

**Gwen:** boo

**Gwen:** i love Peter u know this

**Gwen:** but it’s not ur job to fix him

**Harls:** i’m not trying to fix him

**Harls:** there’s nothing to f i x

**Harls:** i’m just trying to 

**Harls:** idk

**Harls:** b e t h e r e 

**Harls:** and make sure he knows that m y life 

**Harls:** at least

**Harls:** would be terrible without him in it

**Gwen:** just

**Gwen:** please don’t forget that you’re important too okay

**Gwen:** because I don’t think that Peter would be able to survive without you in his life either

**Gwen:** and I sure as hell wouldn’t

**Harls:** gwen

**Harls:** i’m not like that anymore

**Gwen:** i worry still

**Harls:** i know

**Harls:** i love you too

**Gwen:** ❤

**_Parkner? Parley? IronSpider?_ **

**MJ:** This chat works right? 

**Ned:** oh hey

**Ned:** I forgot about this one

**Gwen:** didnt u make this one babe

**Harry:** I did

**Ned:** Harry did

**Gwen:** sometimes i forget harry is actually like

**Gwen:** the ceo of a big company

**MJ:** Graduated high school early

**MJ:** has a masters degree in business a n d marketing 

**MJ:** and a bachelors in accounting

**MJ:** All at 23

**MJ:** but like yeah he’s the ceo of a big company

**Harry:** wow 

**Gwen:** i meant no offense

**Ned:** Clearly tension is a thing we’re all feeling right now

**MJ:** I know you didn’t. 

**MJ:** But sometimes what we mean and what actually comes out are completely different things

**MJ:** And like Harry Osborn is fucking amazing okay and this shit is hard on everyone but it’s super hard on him 

**Harry:** Chelle 

**Harry:** it’s okay

**Harry:** Just 

**Harry:** It’s okay 

**MJ:** smh

**Gwen:** i’m sorry

**Harry:** really it’s okay

**Harry:** you didn’t really say anything offensive

**Ned:** Everyone’s just really tense right now

**Ned:** So like

**Ned:** To go back to MJ’s question

**Ned:** What I remember from when Peter told me about what happened to him back in high school 

**Ned:** He got like really sick really fast

**Ned:** idk if you remember the trip to Oscorp, MJ, but he had to leave early cuz he got really really pale and dizzy 

**MJ:** Yeah yeah I forgot about that

**Ned:** So like the spider injected the venom and then his body was fighting off the mutation, right? 

**Gwen:** yeh from what he told me that’s what happened

**Harry:** you could literally just ask the doctor to explain it but 

**Harry:** from what the files here say 

**Harry:** the radioactivity was designed specifically to go against a type of DNA

**Harry:** And latch onto one specific gene 

**Harry:** But any non-arachnid host seemed to die during the mutation process

**Harry:** Think of it like a virus, right? When a virus enters your body the body releases antibodies to try to fight it while the virus attacks healthy cells. It releases its code, so to say, and spreads to new cells. 

**Gwen:** Peter told me that he felt like he was going to die during the incubation period

**Ned:** Yeah I think May and Ben were really worried 

**Ned:** But May’s a nurse so she knew to monitor the situation and provide liquids and calories even if he threw them up

**MJ:** So it releases that new code to his cells 

**MJ:** His cells are fighting the change but it’s being like forced on them anyway

**MJ:** And then he stabilizes? 

**Harry:** No

**Harry:** Yes

**Harry:** It’s hard to explain

**Harry:** the whole spider experiment was meant to be for genetically enhanced soldiers 

**Harry:** Richard and Mary had actually been part of the design until they looked more closely at what was happening to the test subjects (rats, etc) and saw that more likely to fail than to work. 

**Gwen:** and they are?

**Ned:** Peter’s parents

**Harry:** So like

**Harry:** okay

**Harry:** What I can understand from the notes on here - which isn’t a lot I’m not a scientist - is that the radioactivity that the serum would do would somehow twist the cells so much and move so rapidly that the body of the host can’t exactly keep up. So it’s asking for more constantly - more calories, more water, more substance to make its defenses and repair what’s being attacked. 

**Harry:** which is why Miles needs to be hooked up to something that’s constantly providing him with calories and water and substance. Otherwise the body and cells just give up and wither away

**Harry:** I don’t really know beyond that how a person would actually survive it

**Harry:** None of the hosts that they ever tried before Richard and Mary quit the project made it beyond the injection stage 

**Harry:** Peter would be better at theorizing or explaining how he survived than I ever can 

**Harry:** But I think it has something to do with the spider vs injection and specific strands of DNA that probably only he has

**MJ:** And Miles apparently

**Gwen:** the doctors are all saying he’s improving 

**Ned:** I don’t think even Peter really understands how or why he survived it 

**Gwen:** he’s mentioned looking at it? 

**Ned:** Yeah he’s been theorizing and working on it for years 

**Ned:** Like how did his DNA help stabilize y o u 

**Ned:** How does that even work ya know

**Ned:** I think of it as a line of code 

**Ned:** Sometimes you have to go back and hard rewrite it in order for things to work cleanly

**Ned:** And in order to do that you kind of need to shut down the whole site before it can run again

**MJ:** Thanks for explaining what you can

**MJ:** Sorry for jumping down your throat @Gwen

**Gwen:** oh no worries

**Gwen:** as Ned said

**Gwen:** we’re all a little tense here

**MJ: ❤**

**Ned:** whoa did MJ just send a heart emoji

**Harry:** it’s been a very dramatic few days lmao

**MJ:** I think today was the first day I’ve ever actually seen Harry smile in awhile 

**MJ:** I know I’m not usually a sap but 

**MJ:** I’m so happy things are getting better for everyone I love

“He’s going to be okay.” Harley was gripping his elbows as he said it, staring deep into brown eyes and  _ pleading _ that Peter understood what he was being told through the cloud of depression that hung over him. The news had been startling to him too - Harley had poured over dozens of test results that proved what Gwen was saying was true. He had gotten verification from both Doctor Cho and Doctor Banner and even Tony, and when his brain couldn’t work around those verifications, ran his own tests to make sure what he was being told was true. Miles was improving. He was getting better. 

_ He would make it. _

“Pete,” Harley swallowed hard, ran a hand up Peter’s arm and to his chin, gripping it tight in his hand and waiting patiently for his eyes to meet his own. “Babe,” He prodded as gently and softly as he could.

Peter had gotten a few hours of fitful sleep back in the waiting room, passed out against Tony’s shoulder with a face red with tears. Harley had known he had fought it as much as he could but his body did a forced reset, had done what he wasn’t allowing it to. Now he looked a bit better, had a bit more color on his cheeks and was a bit more alert. Didn’t seem on the verge of spacing out and losing time again. 

“ _ Darlin’ _ ,” That did it. Peter finally looked up, his teeth gnawing at his bottom lip and eyebrow furrowed. “He’s going to be okay.” Harley repeated emphatically. 

Peter didn’t have to say anything for Harley to know what he was thinking. 

_ Please don’t lie to me. _

“I’m not, I promise.” Harley pulled him in close, arms crossed over Peter’s neck and waist respectively and shivered, just a bit, when Peter finally hugged him back. “You’ve been holding your breath for so long now, babe. Exhale now. You can exhale now.” 

It wasn’t shocking to anyone that Peter had to verify everything himself. He talked, at length, to both the doctors about what they could confirm for him. He asked questions no one had thought of asking - how fast were the cells regenerating, how many calories were they feeding him, how much water, how much brain activity was measuring on the charts - and tucked three extra blankets over Miles’s prone body. 

Now that there seemed a clear, viable and even measurable conclusion that didn’t end in death it was almost as though Peter snapped himself into work mode. Harley kept a conscious eye on how much work Peter did, didn’t hesitate to tell him no when he insisted on running the same test  _ another _ time, reminded him when to eat and pulled him down on a chair in the room to just  _ listen _ and  _ breathe _ while Miles’s chest rose up and down, just a little bit steadier now than it had been just a day previous. 

Healing was an odd process, Harley thought just moments after Peter had drifted off, feet dangling over the arm of the seat and head resting as comfortably as it could be against the sharp angle of his collarbone.Harley allowed himself to count the puffs of air against the skin at his neck and told himself it wasn’t overprotective to keep a hand resting atop Peter’s belly to feel every time he sucked in an inhale. There was no feasible way that Peter would actually be completely okay after shattering completely - he had faltered in the doorway of Miles’s room, had asked Harley what it meant that everyone around him kept  _ getting hurt _ \- but Harley could, maybe, start to see the path back to  _ okay _ . Back to  _ peace  _ and calm and sleeping for something other than exhaustion. 

He rested his cheek against the top of Peter’s head and allowed his own eyes to close. He fell asleep to the steady beep of a heart monitor, hot breath against his skin, and a deep, long, and cleansing  _ exhale  _ as the world finally settled around them. 

**Monday, October 5, 2020**

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls:** guess who just woke up

**Harls:** [Listen do you have any idea how hard it is to find pictures that look like Miles? We pretend in this house.](https://pin.it/6tOvLW2)

**MJ:** YES

**Gwen:** spider baby!

**Harry:** i’m screaming

**Ned:** PRAISE

**Harls:** so Pete had to explain to him the changes of his body right

**Harry:** god i remember when May gave us that talk

**Harry:** it was so awkward

**MJ:** Please tell me that story

**Pete:** Please don’t

**Ned:** PETER! 

**MJ:** !!!!!!!!!!!

**Harry:** my HEART

**Gwen:** i know i just saw u yesterday but

**Gwen:** I MISSED U SO MUCH 

**Harls:** he may or may not be crying

**Harls:** anyway

**Harls:** he had to explain to Miles 

**Harls:** cuz really who else can

**MJ:** idk a doctor

**Harls:** but can they r e a l l y explain it? 

**Harry:** wait

**Harry:** did Miles have to ya know

**Harry:** f i n d o u t 

**Harls:** yeah

**Harry:** o god

**Ned:** 😂

**Harls:** Pete: “so like… i’m spider-man”

**Harls:** Miles: “YOU’RE WHAT NOW”

**Harls:** Pete: “miles sit down” 

**Harls:** Miles: “YOU’RE S P I D E R M A N THIS IS S O C O O L.” 

**Harls:** Pete 😭😭 : “please just sit down this is not the time I nearly got you killed”

**Harls:** Miles: “NOW I’M LIKE SPIDER-MAN THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME” 

**Harry:** god i love that kid


	41. France

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks later:

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls:** EVERYBODY 

**Pete:** no

**Gwen** : yeh? 

**Pete** : Gwen no

**Harls** : ROCK YOUR BODAY 

**Pete:** 😒

**Harry:** wat is happening 

**Ned:** ^ yeah 

**Pete** : stop

**Harls:** EVERYBODY 

**Harls:** ROCK YOUR BODY NOW 

**Harry:** i dont need to know wat u two do in ur free time 

**Pete** : 🤦♂️

**Harls** : BACK 

**Harls** : STREETS 

**Harls** : BACK

**Harls** : ALL RIGHT 

**MJ:** I know it's like 10am for you idiots but it's two in the morning and if you keep spamming me with this shit I will fly wherever you are and jffiid

**Harry** : i claimed her phone 

**Pete** : Harry no 

**Pete** : she will e n d you 

**Harry:** no its coolldhchjdndhd8hd

**Ned:** famous last words

**Gwen** : RIP

**Harls** : moment of silence 

**Pete** : brb gonna fly back to NY to save Harry 

**Harls:** babe nO 

**Ned** : this is a disaster 

**Gwen** : i love it 

**_Parents of SpiderChildren _ **

**Jefferson:** How do you unstick a child from the ceiling? 

**Rio:** Again? 😪

**May:** Oh gosh 

**Tony:** I have asked this question for years 

**Matt** : Hit him with a broom 

**May:** Matthew 

**Tony** : 😂😂😂😂

**_ScienceChild_ **

**Miles** : how do i get unstuck 

**Peter:** Miles

**Peter:** remember when you promised you WOULDN'T test enhancements when I was gone 

**Miles** : it wasnt on purpose!!!! 

**Miles:** i woke up stuck 

**Peter:** to what

**Miles:** …. 

**Miles:** the ceiling 

**Peter:** w h y 

**Peter:** 😭😭😭😭

**Miles:** he lp

**Peter:** Just… stressing out only makes it worse. Take a deep breath, match your breathing to your dad's and do so until you feel your back on the soft bed

**Miles** : thank you 

**Miles:** I hope you're having fun! 

**Peter** : Harley says hi 😊

**Miles:** Chjcif 

**Miles:** I MISS YOU GUYS 

**Peter:** we miss you too 

**Miles: ❤**

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Gwen** : [Ghost Spider](https://pin.it/4Z4k9Pt)

**Harry:** how does the hood not get annoying

**MJ:** ^

**MJ:** It looks really cool though

**Ned:** ngh

**Harry:** Ned’s making the Harley thirsting noise

**Harls:** what about me

**Harls:** oh hey!

**Harls:** It fits! 

**Gwen:** Of course it does

**Pete:** Everything works fine right? 

**Pete:** And everything’s going smooth and stuff? 

**Pete:** Cuz we can come home early if you need help

**Harls:** nope

**Harry:** Peter no

**Ned:** No

**MJ:** you are literally on vacation

**Gwen:** It’s going fine, dude

**Gwen:** Everyone misses you (weirdly even the criminals) but everything is running good and smooth

**Gwen:** And the suit is really effing cool Harls

**Harls:** lmao love that AI huh

**Gwen:** She won’t let me swear!

**Pete:** Karen? 

**Gwen:** She said, “Hello Peter. I hope you’re enjoying your vacation.” 

**Pete:** I miss Karen 😔

**Harls:** you literally have Karen in your phone

**Pete:** oh right

**MJ:** He’s so smart though

**Harry:** Nothing about Peter shocks me anymore

**Harry:** PETER I MISS YOU

**Pete:** HARRY I MISS YOU TOO

**Ned:** I MISS YOU TOO PETER

**Pete:** NED I MISS YOU TOO

**Pete:** I also miss you @MJ

**MJ:** I guess I miss you 

**Harls:** it’s fine 

**Harls:** i’ll just miss myself

**Gwen:** HARLEY I MISS YOU

**Harls:** i don’t like this pity

**Pete:** [Paris](https://pin.it/5U7WjJ4)

**Pete:** My therapist tells me to find at least one good thing a day 

**Pete:** And she said Harley couldn’t be that one good thing every day so

**Pete:** Here’s France 

**MJ:** I love this picture

**Harry:** F r a n c e 

**Harry:** are you staying with my uncle? 

**Pete:** At his house

**Pete:** He has business in China so we’re basically Airbnbing

**Harry:** Yeeeeeeah 

**Harry:** I miss France

**Harry:** @MJ we need to go to France

**MJ:** honeymoon

**Harry:** what?

**Ned:** What?

**Pete:** Don’t get married before me

**Harls:** 😶

**Harls:** MJ 

**Harls:** 😂😂😂😂

**Harry:** I am confused

**Harls:** what else is new

**Pete:** Harley is scary good at languages I 

**Ned:** What brought this to the forefront? 

**Gwen:** he is

**Harls:** i ordered our coffee in French and Peter just s t o o d there 

**Harry:** lmao 

**Harry:** Pete

**MJ:** You’re a disaster

**Pete:** I know 😭

**Harls:** A perfect disaster

**Pete:** No

**Harry:** yes

**MJ:** confirmed

**Ned:** ^

**Gwen:** ^^^^

**Harls:** See look

**Harls:** democracy wins

**Pete:** nO

**Harls:** Do I have to call Rebecca cuz I will call Rebecca

**Harry:** R e b e c c a 

**Harry:** how are your children Harls

**Harls:** I love them 

**Pete:** Becca will say that me trying to reach perfection is what causes problems

**Harry:** betrayal from Mrs. Kaplan

**Harls:** Becca will also say that you need to accept that you can’t change how people view you

**MJ:** ^

**Harry:** Or not betrayal from Mrs. Kaplan

**Harry:** god growing up with her must have been a mess

**Harls:** I mean Billy seems chill with it

**Pete:** Billy is fake chill

**Harls:** never have i read a more true statement

**Gwen:** How’s France though? 

**Pete:** don’t text and swing

**MJ:** like you’re one to talk

**Pete:** exCUSE me

**Harry:** no

**Ned:** She’s doing the speech to text thing

**Gwen:** Yeah what Ned said

**Harls:** no wonder the grammar is so good

**Gwen:** It’s true

**Pete:** I hate the cheek kisses

**Harls:** he loves the cheek kisses

**Pete:** I almost punched a grandma 

**MJ:** punch her

**Harry:** MJ no

**Gwen:** Peter don’t punch a grandma

**Ned:** lmao

**Pete:** [Paris](https://pin.it/nTmbOU1)

**MJ:** I’m jealous

**Harry:** I mean I can take you when Pete comes back 

**Ned:** How goes running a business with Tony Stark @Harry

**Harry:** Literally horrible

**Harry:** He has the worst taste in coffee

**Harry:** And keeps calling me squirt?

**Harry:** When I’m taller than him? 

**MJ:** lmao

**Pete:** but

**Harry:** NO WAIT PETER

**Harry:** IT WAS A JOKE EVERYTHING IS GOING FINE DO NOT SAY YOU’LL COME HOME

**Harls:** good catch Osborn

**Harry:** whew

**Harls:** [I say this is them ](https://pin.it/5NsSS5t)

**Harls:** an elderly gay couple said we’re cute

**Harls:** and then we went to lunch with them and they told us all about their lives and 

**Harls:** I am soft

**Pete:** I want to be them

**Pete:** So in love and at peace

**Harls:** babe

**Pete:** one day 

**Harry:** i promise you’ll feel it one day

**MJ:** [Miles](https://pin.it/3S1VYQL)

**MJ:** We took Miles out to lunch with Gwen and Jess

**MJ:** He insisted I send this picture to you

**MJ:** to prove he's wearing enough layers to be warm

**Pete:** Milesssss

**Harls:** How’s Jess doing? 

**Gwen:** she’s transitioning pretty good 

**Gwen:** havin some trouble every now and then

**Gwen:** but getting better

**Gwen:** [Jess](https://pin.it/jiF3UbG)

**Pete:** Less homicidal tendencies? 

**Gwen:** lol yeh

**Pete:** Okay good

**_Actual Goddess_ **

**May:** How many times have you smiled today? 

**Pete:** one since waking up and seeing this text

**May:** ❤

**May:** Are you two having fun? 

**Pete:** Weirdly yes? 

**Pete:** But like

**Pete:** nvm

**May:** Baby

**May:** you can tell me

**Pete:** I feel I shouldn’t be?

**May:** oh Peter

**May:** You deserve so much happiness

**Pete:** But like

**Pete:** How can I allow myself to be happy

**Pete:** When so much is going wrong and 

**May:** Peter

**May:** Nothing is going wrong right now

**Pete:** when I’m distracted people get hurt

**May:** No one’s hurt right now, baby

**May:** We’re all good. 

**May:** Gwen’s watching your city with Harry

**Pete:** But what if something happens to them

**May:** but what if nothing does? 

**May:** Baby you’ve done such a good job keeping all of us safe for years

**May:** you can’t be a hero if you can’t save yourself 

**Pete:** I guess

**May:** Where’s Harley? 

**Pete:** Sleeping

**May:** Well then why don’t you join him for a little while? 

**May:** Just enjoy being with him

**Pete:** I am

**May:** How much sleep have you gotten, Peter? 

**Pete:** I think I’m gonna try to sleep again

**May:** Okay baby

**May:** I love you

**Pete:** Love you too

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** so

**Harry:** one time

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

**Harry:** it’s 6am there Peter 

**Harry:** w h y

**MJ:** Why are you texting at 6am

**MJ:** Can you tell me that

**Harry:** time zones MJ

**Harry:** Ned and I are going cake tasting 

**Harls:** I wanna go cake tasting

**Harry:** WHY ARE EITHER OF YOU UP AT 6AM DURING VACATION

**Harls:** why are you so loud 

**Pete:** We can go cake tasting, babe

**Harls:** !!!!!!

**Harry:** B A B E 

**Harry:** why do you never talk to me like that

**Pete:** me or MJ

**MJ:** obviously you

**Harry:** ^

**Pete:** Cuz you’re not Harley

**Harry:** rude

**Harls:** face facts Osborn

**Harls:** i’m the best here

**Pete:** anywaaaaay

**Pete:** [France](https://pin.it/5xXen3w)

**Pete:** Breakfast time

**Ned:** [Cake](https://pin.it/4FRNGeV)

**Ned:** cake time

**MJ:** [Gwen](https://pin.it/7aJUUdn)

**MJ:** Gwen time

**Ned:** Awe man you win

**Ned:** 😭😭😭😭

**Harls:** I raise you all

**Harls:** [Peter](https://pin.it/1cIm6wW)

**Harls:** Peter time

**Harry:** fuck

**Harry:** u win u win

**Harls:** Thank you I know

**_Mister Dad, Iron Man, Stalker Sir_ **

**Tony:** Morgan has left so many pictures for you in your office it’s basically become hers

**Peter:** That’s okay she can keep it

**Tony:** Your friend is certifiable

**Peter:** Which one? 

**Peter:** They all are

**Tony:** The one I’m working with

**Peter:** Again I ask

**Peter:** Which one

**Tony:** Osborn

**Peter:** Harry? 

**Peter:** What did he do now? 

**Tony:** He taught Morgan to swear in French

**Peter:** NooooOOOOOOOO

**Tony:** She swore at her mother

**Tony:** Now I’M in trouble

**Peter:** Lmao

**Peter:** What did you do to deserve it? 

**Tony:** That is completely uncalled for 

**Tony:** I didn’t deserve it at all

**Peter:** Come ooooooooooon

**Tony:** I might have knocked over a very expensive diorama 

**Peter:** there it is

**Peter:** Everything’s running fine though right? 

**Peter:** Like there are no problems

**Tony:** Pete

**Tony:** Kid

**Tony:** Everything is running perfectly. Your stocks are up 10%, your investors are incredibly happy with how things are moving. 

**Peter:** My investors are you and Harry

**Tony:** Exactly. 

**Tony:** We are very happy with how things are moving along. 

**Peter:** Smh

**Tony:** How’s vacation going? 

**Peter:** Pretty okay

**Peter:** I have the call with Becca today so that’ll be… fun

**Tony:** Yeah I get that feeling. 

**Tony:** Therapy sucks

**Tony:** But Rebecca’s good at what she does and says you’re making good progress

**Peter:** Yeah

**Peter:** I just

**Peter:** I’ll be okay 

**Peter:** I just don’t want to talk to her today

**Tony:** Why? 

**Peter:** I don’t really want to talk to anyone

**Tony:** That’s okay, Pete. You don’t really have to. 

**Peter:** I have to talk to her. 

**Tony:** Tell her how you’re feeling. You know that’s why she’s even there. 

**Peter:** I feel so fucked up when I talk to her, though. 

**Peter:** Like she’s nice and everything 

**Peter:** And I adore her she’s raised such a great kid

**Peter:** But it just puts everything that’s wrong with me under a microscope and I h a t e it

**Tony:** Nothing’s wrong with needing some help. 

**Tony:** I’ve been to therapy. Matt’s been to therapy. Everyone I know that does what we do has been to therapy. 

**Tony:** You’re allowed to feel, Pete. It doesn’t always have to be happy. 

**Peter:** I know. 

**Peter:** I kinda don’t ever want to go home. 

**Peter:** But then all I want to do is go home. 

**Tony:** You’ll be back soon enough. 

**Tony:** And until then, let us handle the load. 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** [Gwen](https://pin.it/5q68lfa)

**Harry:** Gwen fucking dropping out of nowhere and giving me a heart attack

**Gwen:** 😈

**Ned:** My boo

**Gwen:** Hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Ned:** hey boo

**Gwen:** hey boo

**Harry:** pls no

**Pete:** It is SO EARLY 

**Harls:** if you don’t stop spamming i will send a suit over to your houses and individually give you all flights by your underpants 

**Harry:** 😲

**Pete:** Well I’m up now

**Pete:** Hi Harry

**Harry:** It’s like 4am go to bed

**Harry:** (also hi Pete)

**Harls:** No you’re coming back to bed

**Harls:** put the phone down or it’s mine

**Pete:** nOfskdfjsdifsdifijsiji 

**Harry:** oop Harley got him

**_Black Goo Man_ **

**Harry:** WHEN ARE YOU DOING IT 

**Harls:** STOP YELLING AT ME 

**Harry:** I NEED TO KNOW

**Harls:** WHY

**Harry:** REASONS 

**Harls:** NO

**Harry:** TELL ME

**Harls:** STOP YELLing 

**Harls:** Peter’s sleeping shh

**Harry:** oh okay

**Harry:** is he doing okay though

**Harry:** like really

**Harls:** He’s getting better, even if he doesn’t think he is. 

**Harls:** [Sleeping](https://pin.it/6tMfKQ9)

**Harry:** my baby 

**Harry:** And you’re doing okay? 

**Harry:** I know how hard dealing with this stuff can be

**Harls:** i’ll be okay 

**Harls:** this break is really helpful for both of us tbh

**Harry:** Good

**Harry:** But like

**Harry:** when are you doing it

**Harls:** not telling you

**Harry:** KEENER WHEN ARE YOU PROPOSING TO MY BEST FRIEND  
  
  



	42. London

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls** : made it to London

**MJ:** V i s i t H o g w a r t s

**Harls** : bitch that's in Scotland 

**MJ:** fuck then go to Scotland

**Harls:** i do what i want Michelle

**MJ** : Square up, country boy

**Pete:** God you’re all exhausting

**Harry:** mood

**Harry:** such a mood

**Harry:** life is exhausting

**Ned:** You okay there, Harry? 

**Gwen:** ^

**Pete:** chug some Rockstar and slap yourself in the face

**Harry:** i

**Harry:** should i be concerned?

**Pete:** No

**Harls:** Probably

**Ned: 👀**

**Gwen:** the things u do on patrol

**Pete:** ^

**MJ:** So like

**MJ:** Are you NOT going to Hogwarts?

**Harls:** no MJ 

**Harls:** 😪

**MJ:** Lame

**Harry:** MJ likes to pretend she’s not a nerd but

**Harry:** really

**Harry:** she is

**MJ:** You say this like it wasn’t common knowledge

**Pete:** we been knew Har

**Gwen:** i for 1 am not shocked

**Ned:** Hogwarts house 

**Ned:** and

**Ned:** GO

**Harls:** we are all just a whole group of Hufflepuffs lbh here

**MJ:** rude 

**MJ** : I am a Slytherin

**Harls:** lmao how are you cunning 

**MJ:** I have done many cunning things 

**Harls:** list them

**Harls:** i dare you

**MJ:** I

**Harry:** I am totally a ‘puff

**Pete:** Same…. 

**Ned:** mhmmm

**Gwen:** Gryffindor!

**MJ:** 😲

**MJ:** you bitch

**MJ:** betrayed by my own girlfriend

**Harry:** whoa what

**Ned:** 👀

**Ned:** But… we’re engaged 

**Harry:** i am confused because we are literally laying in the same bed right now

**MJ:** shhhhh

**MJ:** controversial opinion: Peter is Slytherin

**Harls:** have you ever seen a more loyal person, Jones? 

**MJ:** have you ever seen a more cunning person, Keener? 

**MJ:** He literally had a plan he kept secret from everyone back when Gwen got taken

**Harls:** because he’s so l o y a l

**Pete:** I am literally right here

**Harls:** hush babe let me fight for your honor

**Pete:** lmao 

**MJ:** Nothing about that boy is s i m p l e 

**MJ:** And nothing says that you can’t be more than one house

**MJ:** It’s about what’s more prevalent

**Ned:** in that case wouldn’t Pete be Ravenclaw?

**Harry:** Wouldn’t Ned also be Ravenclaw? 

**Gwen:** ur all taking this so srsly

**MJ:** Because this is SERIOUS Gwen

**Harls:** L i s t e n 

**Harry:** @Pete what’s your one happy thing today? 

**Harry:** Because I’m done with t h i s conversation 

**Ned:** Yes I am also curious

**Pete:** [Sweatshirt ](https://pin.it/6plwMEX)

**Pete:** Harley’s sweatshirt that May got him as a birthday present 

**Pete:** I found a l o o p h o l e in Becca’s wording 

**Harry:** but like did you though? 

**Harry:** because it’s not your good thing because Harley is wearing it

**Harry:** that’s just a plus

**Pete:** Damn you

**Harry:** lmao

**Gwen:** @Harls that sweatshirt is perfection

**Harls:** It’s also very fuzzy so that’s a big plus 

**Ned:** I love that MAY gave you that

**Harls:** May is the best 

**Harry:** aint that the truth

**MJ:** who tf do you think you are

**MJ:** don’t you ever say “ain’t” again

**Harry:** such passion

**Pete:** Say it again Har

**MJ:** You know what Parker

**Pete:** What M i c h e l l e 

**Harry:** don’t you dare hurt my Petey Pie

**Pete:** ew disgusting have at him MJ

**MJ:** Aight 

**Harry:** wait wait back up

**Harry:** i cant say aint but MJ can say aight and no one jumps on her

**Gwen:** Dude

**Gwen:** MJ is MJ

**Gwen:** she can do what she wants

**MJ:** ^^^^^

**Ned:** MJ is scary

**Harls:** Pete fell asleep so 

**Harls:** 🤷‍♂️

**MJ:** how is life as a glorified pillow? 

**Harls:** pretty great ngl 

**Gwen:** my otp is so cute

**Harls:** how’s life as Harry’s human pillow @MJ?

**MJ:** his head is heavy

**Harry: 😔**

**Harry:** i can move

**MJ:** Don’t you dare. 

**Ned:** So cute 

**Ned:** 😭

**Gwen:** MJ y r u so ready to fight 2day

**MJ:** Because of that stupid stunt you and Harry pulled while patrolling last night that I just heart about 

**Gwen:** oop

**Pete:** What s t u n t ?

**Harls:** Peter’s mentees acting stupid senses are tingling

**Pete:** smh

**Harry:** you weren’t supposed to say anything MJ! 

**MJ:** If I have to suffer so does everyone else 

**Ned:** Wait what happened

**Gwen:** so…… 

**MJ:** YOU HAVEN’T TOLD NED?!

**Gwen:** we weren’t supposed to tell a n y o n e 

**Gwen:** Osborn 😡

**Harry:** i tell MJ everything tho

**MJ:** ^

**Harls:** as much as i love the suspense 

**Harls:** Pete literally woke up out of a dead sleep to see this and if you don’t tell him so that he can go back to bed and then I can go to bed I will beat you all

**Ned:** Harley thinks he’s so scary

**Gwen:** little puppy dog

**Pete:** WHAT HAPPENED ON PATROL

**Ned:** oop he found caps

**Harry:** well like for one 

**Harry:** we’re all alive and whole and no one was hurt

**Pete:** sfdhgsdugs

**MJ:** uh???

**Harls:** he’s good keep going

**Harry:** you sure? 

**Harls:** yes

**Harls:** i am again a pillow

**Harls:** telling the story to him

**Harls:** go

**Gwen:** ok so

**Gwen:** we were patrolling

**Harry:** as one does

**Gwen:** and there were these guys trying to rob a little corner store right

**Harls:** Peter asks “which one”

**Harry:** Marion’s off 2nd

**Harls:** he approves carry on

**Ned:** ^ what does that even mean? 

**Ned:** 🤣🤣🤣

**Harls:** it means what it says Nedward

**Gwen:** so i’m like “thugs stop!”

**Harry:** She actually said, “Oh hell no, losers.” 

**Harry:** and charged in without a plan

**MJ:** sounds like Peter

**Harls:** i can’t argue

**Harls:** Peter, “offended noise”

**Harls:** me: “well it does”

**MJ:** Also where were YOU during all of this Harry

**Harry:** 😔

**Harry:** eating a hot dog

**Ned:** lmao was it a good hot dog? 

**Harry:** I h a t e hot dogs

**Harls:** then why eat the hot dog? 

**Harls:** i am intrigued

**Harry:** Venom wanted the hot dog 

**Harry:** 😔😔😔😔

**MJ:** Harry does not enjoy having to add meat back into his diet

**Harls:** Peter says “mood” 

**Gwen:** so i go to f i g h t them

**Harls:** Peter doesn’t like that 

**Harls:** i’m assuming just based off the noise he just made

**Ned:** Pete is a fan of “quip” at them and see if they stop 

**Harry:** a good method if any of us were particularly quippy

**Gwen:** and these dummies turn around 

**Gwen:** and r lik

**Gwen:** spidergirl! 

**Harry:** Gwen just makes a really offended noise

**Harry:** and webs one dude to the wall

**Gwen:** he got my name wrong!

**Harry:** how can u expect anyone to know ur name if u never tell them

**Harls:** gotta say, boo, I agree

**Gwen:** rude

**Gwen:** and the other dudes ran away 

**Harry:** because Gwen was lecturing about correctly identifying someone

**Gwen:** and Harry was eating a hot dog

**Harry:** gross

**Harry:** stop reminding me

**Gwen:** but then one of the guys was like, “hey it’s black spidey”

**Harry:** and then Venom got o f f e n d e d 

**Harry:** and dropped the hot dog to go after him

**Harry:** which 1 yay 

**Harry:** and 2 noooo

**Harry:** because i literally went like f l y i n g 

**Harls:** flying is fun

**Harry:** flying is NOT fun 

**Harry:** and i had to be all “Venom dude dont eat the guy” 

**Harry:** and Venom was all “let me e a t him”

**Harls:** Peter wants to know if you ate anyone

**Harry:** n O 

**Harry:** that is disgusting

**Harry:** but i DID eat the guy’s mask in a weird intimidation tactic

**Gwen:** which 

**Gwen:** surprise! 

**Gwen:** worked!

**Ned:** How did the hat taste Harry? 

**Harry:** horrible, Ned

**Harry:** to clarify

**Harry:** I did NOT want to eat the mask

**Harry:** but Venom did it in protest because i wouldn’t let it eat a person

**Harls:** Venom is my spirit animal

**Harry:** N O 

**MJ:** this isn’t even the worst part

**Harls:** oh god 

**Harls:** go on please

**Harry:** well

**Gwen:** turns out

**Harry:** it might not have actually been

**Gwen:** we had actually wandered 

**Harry:** a robbery

**Gwen:** onto the set of a college movie 

**Harls:** noooOOOOOOOO

**MJ:** It’s funny but also not

**Harry:** i made a kid pee himself 

**Harry:** i feel so mean

**Gwen:** what is Peter’s reaction? 

**Ned:** I am also curious

**Harls:** laughing 

**Harls:** wait

**Harls:** gtg sorry

**MJ:** Oh no

**Harry:** noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Harry:** no sadness

**Harry:** it was funny 

**Harry:** i ate a mask

**Gwen:** we ruined a college movie

**Gwen:** no sad

**Ned:** 😟😟😟😟

**_Black Goo Man_ **

**Harry:** is Pete okay? 

**Harry:** We didn’t mean to upset anyone

**Harls:** Yeh yeah

**Harls:** just had a missing everyone moment

**Harls:** he’s good

**_Broski_ **

**Harry:** you okay

**Pete:** I’ll be fine

**Harry:** but currently

**Pete:** working on it

**Pete:** I miss everyone

**Pete:** I miss patrol

**Pete:** I miss the s t o r i e s

**Harry:** tell us ur stories then

**Harry:** i’m sure u have plenty of patrol stories

**Pete:** oh god do I

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** [London at Night](https://pin.it/3NVpWpe)

**Gwen:** i wanna be 

**Gwen:** 🥺

**MJ:** Go 👏 to 👏 Hogwarts 👏 

**Harls:** we’ve talked about this 

**MJ:** so go

**Harls:** 😡

**Pete:** [London](https://pin.it/6MDznfw)

**Harry:** ❤

**Ned:** lemmie just say

**Ned:** I’m really happy you’re doing photography again

**Pete:** Awe

**Ned:** It’s just really nice

**Ned:** That you’re doing something that makes you happy just for the sake of being happy

**Gwen:** ^

**MJ:** ^

**MJ:** Go to Hogwarts though

**Harry:** just had to ruin it

**MJ:** live my fantasies for me!

**Harls:** i’m happy living my own fantasy thanks

**Pete:** Wait Harry asked for funny patrol stories

**Pete:** I have so m a n y

**Ned:** Y e s tell

**Gwen:** spill them beans

**MJ:** t e l l m e 

**Harls:** don’t tell too many though cuz we have p l a n s

**Gwen:** yeah boi

**Gwen:** get some

**Harry:** PLANS HUH

**Harls:** Harry no

**Harry:** WHEN THEN KEENER

**MJ:** what

**Ned:** since when does Harry root for sex

**Gwen:** lmao

**Gwen:** rite?

**Harry:** smh

**Pete:** anyway

**Pete:** so

**Pete:** funny story

**Harls:** i hate when you start stories like that

**Harls:** they’re never funny

**Pete:** I was patrolling with Matt right

**Ned:** M a t t 

**Harry:** It’s a Matt story too! 

**Pete:** and he has this thing he does

**Pete:** where he just takes a d e e p breath

**Pete:** and centers his senses 

**Pete:** so he does that right

**Pete:** and I’m a little shit so

**MJ:** who would have guessed

**Pete:** I go, “The sweet sweet smell of justice.” 

**Pete:** and he goes, “the only thing I can smell is your bullshit Parker.” 

**Ned:** r o a s t e d 

**Pete:** and yeets himself off the building

**Harls:** as Matt does

**Pete:** only a bird came flying by at the same time

**Gwen:** oh NOOOO

**Pete:** and the bird poop just landed right on his helmet

**Pete:** and Matt’s blind so like

**Pete:** he can’t see it

**Pete:** but I can

**Harry:** did you tell him?

**Pete:** of course not!

**Pete:** He was confronting baddies all night with bird poop on his face

**MJ:** priceless

**Harls:** i am s c r e a m i n g

**Harls:** i watched Peter get distracted by a puppy during patrol once

**Harls:** and just forget to let loose another web

**Harls:** and faceplant right into a brick wall

**Pete:** In France Harley helped a duckling cross the road 

**Pete:** And he followed him back to your Uncle’s place @Harry

**Harry:** does Uncle Randy have a duck baby now

**Harls:** Who said we left him there? 

**Pete:** [Duckling](https://pin.it/1y6fTKN)

**MJ:** are you two just travelling Europe with a duck now

**Harls:** it enhances the trip

**_Black Goo Man_ **

**Harry:** weren’t u asking in France? 

**Harls:** It didn’t happen

**Harry:** obviously

**Harry:** y

**Harls:** The duck happened

**Harry:** u can adopt a duck together

**Harry:** but not ask him to marry u

**Harls:** ask MJ if it’s so easy

**Harry:** u were literally in the most romantic place on earth!

**Harry:** u better be engaged when u get home

**Harls:** i am t r y i n g Harold

**Harry:** try harder

**_ScienceChild_ **

**Miles:** I can’t wait for my second dads to be married

**Miles:** Can I officiate? 

**Peter:** He might say no 

**Miles:** He  _ won’t _ . 

**Miles:** He’s not  _ an idiot _

**Peter:** Miles 😂😂😂😂

**Peter:** It’s not like being married to me would be the best thing ever

**Miles:** I mean being your SpiderChild is pretty cool 

**Miles:** 🤷‍♂️

**Miles:** Just aaaaaask so I can stop having to keep it secret

**Miles:** You know I’m really bad at that

**Miles:** I’ve already told my mom

**Peter:** Miles!

**Peter:** Keep it a secret!

**Miles:** YOU KNOW I’M BAD AT THIS   
  



	43. Spain and Spaghetti Sauce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Saga of Harry's Cooking Disasters continues....

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls:** so i just watched Peter cuss out a random guy in Spanish

 **Harls:** it was kinda hot ngl

 **Pete:** The guy was a jerk!

 **MJ:** Peter cusses? 

**Ned:** In Spanish? 

**Harls:** almost exclusively

 **Pete:** I have to chill it though

 **Harry:** y would u ever

 **Pete:** Miles speaks Spanish

 **Harls:** can’t have the mini-spider repeating anything he hears

 **Pete:** smh

 **Pete:** Rio is scary

 **Pete:** I don’t want her to beat me

 **Harls:** she would never

 **Harls:** you’re like her second kid you’re fine

 **Harry:** it’s weird how many adults just a d o p t Peter

 **MJ:** is it though

 **Pete:** May is the only valid parent

 **Harry:** but what about Matt dad? 

**Ned:** IronDad? 

**Pete:** smh

 **Harls:** Would you like to tell the class why you cussed out someone in Spanish, babe

 **Pete:** no

 **Harry:** but will you? 

**Pete:** probably

**Pete:** Okay so we were crossing the street, right? 

**Harry:** only if u were following proper traffic laws

 **Pete:** I’m a New Yorker not an idiot

 **Harls:** we had the green walking man

 **Harry:** m’kay carry on

 **Pete:** And this guy on a scooter comes out of nowhere

 **Harls:** have you ever been on a motorized scooter? 

**Harls:** they’re actually pretty fun

 **Pete:** Until one tries to r u n you o v e r 

**MJ:** omg 

**MJ:** this is a protective Peter story isn’t it

 **Ned:** YEEES

 **Gwen:** as i live and breathe

**Harls: 🤷‍♂️**

**Pete:** So I pull Harley out of the way and do as only a New Yorker would do

 **Harry:** did u pull a Bostonian? 

**Harls:** he yelled after the guy

 **Pete:** But like it’s cool we’re good

 **Pete:** We cross the street and continue on

 **Pete:** And we’re holding hands cuz we’re all cute and stuff 

**Gwen:** u r

 **Harry:** oh no 

**Pete:** And now this guy is on the sidewalk

 **Pete:** Which isn’t where you’re supposed to ride those

 **Harls:** ok so they have like scooter lanes and walking lanes on the sidewalk

 **Harls:** And this guy isn’t in the scooter lane

 **MJ:** Thank for the clarification

 **Pete:** And he’s just like revving his engine of his stupid tiny motorized scooter at us

 **Pete:** And we make eye contact

 **Harry:** o h n o 

**Pete:** And he just goes flying at us

 **Harls:** Pete just casually side steps out of the way

 **Pete:** And the guy stops right in front of us

 **Pete:** And just starts y e l l i n g 

**Harls:** in rapid Spanish

 **Harls:** i honestly understand none of it

 **Harls:** but then Peter just goes o f f 

**Pete:** He’s being pretty tame 

**Pete:** Like I’ve had so much meaner things shouted at me in love ya know

 **Harry:** NYC love is weird

 **Ned:** Boston love is weird

 **MJ:** when we say “I hate you” we mean “you’re one of us”

 **Harls:** and the guy is floored because he didn’t actually expect Peter to start yelling back

 **Harls:** and i mean so am i cuz i didn’t expect it either

 **Harry:** fair

 **Harry:** Peter never yells

 **Harls:** there’s just a lot of angry gesturing and then the guy leaves with like his tail between his legs and head down like he’s just been shamed 

**MJ:** w ha t d i d y o u s ay

 **Pete:** Nothing

 **Harry:** w h a t 

**Ned:** d i d 

**Gwen:** u 

**MJ:** s a y 

**Pete: 😊😊😊😊**

**Harls:** he won’t tell me either

 **Harls:** but the owner of the bakery near us gave us free coffee 

**Harls:** and said something to Peter that made him blush

 **MJ:** w h a t did HE sa y

 **Pete:** Nothing

 **Harls:** i’m gonna ask Miles

 **Pete:** DON’T YOU DArE

**_Mini-Spider_ **

**Harley:** question

 **Miles:** oh okay hi

 **Harley:** hi Miles love you

 **Miles:** love you too 

**Miles:** is this about the thing

 **Harley:** what thing? 

**Miles:** NOTHING

 **Harley:** suspicious

 **Harley:** anyway

 **Harley:** you speak Spanish yes?

 **Miles:** si senior

 **Harley:** okay cool

 **Harley:** can you translate a thing for me? 

**Miles:** You guys are in Spain right? 

**Miles:** the dialect is a little different but I can try

 **Harley:** Thanks! Lemmie send you the video

 **Miles:** oooo kay

**Miles:** i don’t want to translate this

 **Harley:** WHAT DID HE SAY

 **Miles:** omg

 **Miles:** i

 **Miles:** okay the one guy goes

 **Miles:** “Useless American trash” with the bad bad word for gay

 **Miles:** “take your princess home to get” bad word again 

**Miles:** And Peter just goes, “at least us American’s are getting some every night. It must be hard to get anyone in bed with you when you look like a mop dragged through sewer water, dried and spit back up into the messiest restaurant ever.” 

**Miles:** And then says, “You know it’s people like you that make me wish I never invented a vaccine in the first place.” 

**Miles:** and the guy just… doesn’t have words

 **Miles:** and the guy that gives you two coffee says, “That was the best thing I ever saw. You and your husband are very cute.” 

**Harley:** I don’t…. 

**Harley:** Thank you

 **Miles:** i want to be Peter more now

 **Harley:** i am s h o c k e d

**Miles:** there were more swears but 

**Harley:** I am so sorry i made you listen to such vulgar words

 **Miles:** lmao it’s okay

 **Miles:** I’ve heard worse! 

**Harley:** you’re pure virgin baby ears

**Miles: 😶**

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls:** i have discovered what was said

 **Harry:** w h a t wa s it

 **Pete:** don’t you dare

 **Harls:** i will not say

 **Harls:** because it is not my place

 **Harls:** and i like still being alive and Peter might drag me like he dragged this scooterist if i do

**Harry:** [Spaghetti sauce ](https://pin.it/1qSfSSy)

**Pete:** Harry nO

 **Harls:** Peter just shouted 

**Harls:** we’re in a museum this is not okay behavior

 **Harls:** don’t make the scary Spanish lady yell at us again, Peter 

**Harls:** i do not understand what she’s saying 

**Pete:** Scroll up

 **Harry:** i can explain

 **Harls:** WHY DID YOU SUMMON THE DEVIL

 **Ned:** Who let Harry near an oven again? 

**Gwen:** lmao dude how

 **MJ:** He falls apart without you here Peter

 **Pete:** I don’t even

 **Harls:** you made 

**Harls:** LAVA

 **Harls:** i don’t 

**Harry:** I can explain

 **Gwen:** pls do

 **Pete:** I don’t want to knowwwwww

 **Harls:** wait i do

 **MJ:** he was left unsupervised 

**MJ:** I’m so sorry

 **Ned:** How many ovens have you bought now, Harry? 

**Harry:** Too many

 **Harls:** am i getting this story anytime soon or

 **Pete:** no

 **MJ:** I’m not talking to Harley Keener since he didn’t go to Hogwarts

 **Harls:** omfg

 **Harls:** the tragedy

 **MJ:** He is dead to me

 **Gwen:** i want to hear Harry’s story

 **Harls:** ^

 **Pete:** we’re literally sitting in a chocolate museum

 **Ned:** wait I want to go to a chocolate museum

 **Pete:** it’s pretty cool 

**Harls:** Harry summoned the devil with cooking

 **Harls:** that’s cooler

 **Harry:** so i was hungry right

 **Harls:** yaaaas 

**MJ:** What time was it? 

**Harry:** y

 **MJ:** to set the mood

 **Pete:** Harry only cooks at ungodly hours

 **Harry:** like 1:30am

 **Ned:** Peter was right!

 **Harls:** i think Peter and Harry are really twins separated at birth

 **MJ:** that would explain so much

 **Harry:** so i was hungry

 **Harry:** and i was like chill i got pasta

 **Pete:** he’s not even high

**Pete: 😪**

**Harry:** drugs are bad kids

 **Ned:** lmao dude 

**Ned:** maybe you’d be a better cook if you w e r e high 

**Gwen:** he’d at least be able to eat it

 **Gwen:** if he was

 **Harls:** ^

 **MJ:** Shh I want to hear this

 **Harls:** excuse you

 **MJ:** weird my phone told me I had a message but nothing is there

 **Harls:** bitch

 **MJ:** Huh just happened again

 **MJ:** Must be glitching

 **Harry:** ANYWAY I have pasta right

 **Harry:** and i’m like pasta is easy i can make pasta

 **Pete:** You can’t make pasta

 **Harls:** shh Harry’s telling a story

 **Harry:** so i don’t actually have pasta sauce

**Pete: 🤦‍♂️**

**Gwen:** y not

 **Harry:** it’s thursday Gwen

 **Gwen:** o ofc that explains it all

 **Ned:** Why does it matter that it’s thursday? 

**Harry:** because it’s thursday

 **Harls:** obviously

 **Harls:** god Nedward

 **MJ:** why does my phone keep telling me I have a message and nothing shows up?

 **Ned:** That’s just Harley

 **MJ:** who? 

**Harls:** i hope Harry makes you eat the demon pasta

 **Pete:** NO ONE is eating the demon pasta

 **MJ:** what if I want to eat the demon pasta

 **Gwen:** will i die if i eat the demon pasta

 **Ned:** Please don’t test that

 **Pete:** ^

 **Harry:** but i have all the stuff to m a k e sauce

 **Harry:** so i’m like 

**Harry:** fuck yeh lets do this

 **Harry:** so i find a recipe to make sauce

 **Harry:** cuz i’m not a heathen

 **Pete:** did you ever ask yourself

 **Pete:** How could this go wrong, Harry?

 **Harry:** no

 **Harry:** because it was gonna be g l o r i o u s

 **Harry:** i had a recipe wat could go wrong

 **Pete:** A lot apparently

 **Harry:** it called for olive oil

 **Harry:** but i only had avocado oil

 **Harls:** How do you have avocado oil but not olive oil

 **Harls:** so confused

 **Gwen:** how does the French part of u feel that ur so bad at cooking

 **Harry:** insulted 

**Harry:** it also needed onion and garlic minced but like how does one m i n c e a garlic

 **Pete:** I’m sure google would tell you

 **Harry:** it was 130am i wasnt googling shit

 **Harls:** fair

 **Harry:** so i did a c h o p of the garlic 

**Ned:** did you remove the garlic from the garlic shell? 

**Harry:** there’s a garlic shell

 **Harry:**?

**Harls: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣**

**Harls:** Peter just threw his phone i’m

**Harls: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂**

**Harls:** Peter outside: “He’s a FUCKING disaster!” 

**Harls:** i’m inside and ddysinh 

**Gwen:** did he die? 

**Harls:** he adjust did thuat

 **Ned:** he’s good carry on

 **Harry:** it also asked for dried basil

 **Harry:** but i don’t have any of that

 **Harry:** so i used parsley flakes instead

 **Harry:** and a pinch of red pepper flakes 

**Harry:** but Venom’s like the more pepper the better

 **Harry:** so i just put in like a handful

 **Harls:** AHAHAHAAHAHAHA

 **Gwen:** u good there boo

 **Harls:** i cant brethe

 **Ned:** oop we just killing Harley now

 **Ned:** did you lose Peter? 

**Harls:** that’s what’s so funny

 **Harls:** he is r a g i n g outside

 **Harry:** it also asked for Kosher salt

 **Harry:** but i only had regular salt cuz i’m not Jewish

 **Harls:** cuz you’re not J e w i s h

 **Gwen:** jfc Harry

 **Ned:** Okay this is the best tale of Harry cooking ever

 **MJ:** I fall asleep ONE TIME

 **Harry:** it calls for sugar for some reason

 **Harry:** and i’m like

 **Harry:** that’s gotta be a typo

 **Harry:** so i replace it with salt

 **Harry:** only Venom is like “noooooo sugaaaaar” and just upends half a bag in the pot

 **Harls:** IT HURTS 

**Pete:** you’re A FUCKING DISASTER 

**Gwen:** that’s just rude Peter

 **Gwen:** at least he’s trying

 **Ned:** ^

 **MJ:** Hey you got your phone back

 **Harry:** it also says it needs like a pat of butter

 **Harry:** and i’m really confused cuz like

 **Harry:** what is a pat of butter

 **Pete:** Two teaspoons

 **Harry:** well i didn’t know that then

 **Harry:** so i just 

**Harry:** pat some butter?

 **Harls:** wiat you

 **Harls:** p a t butter 

**Gwen:** wat exactly IS patting butter

 **Harry:** well now i don’t wanna say

 **Ned:** come on man 

**Ned:** just tell us

 **Ned:** we won’t judge

 **Harry:** ~~i pat it like a cat~~

**Harls:** you WATH

 **Pete:** pls stop

 **MJ:** how did I sleep through this

 **Ned:** This is so much better than I imagined

 **Gwen:** did u put the butter in

 **Harry:** it didn’t say anything about doing that so no

 **Harls:** so you just P A T the butter sfufsdhfiush

 **Harls:** i am crying

 **Harls:** Peter, “I have to sit down”

 **Harls:** just slides down the wall and sits on the ground

 **MJ:** mood

 **Harry:** i only have regular tomatoes and the recipe calls for crushed tomatoes

 **Harry:** so i’m just like

 **Harry:** easy i’ll just crush them

 **Pete:** “I’ll just crush them” he says

 **Harry:** so i did! 

**Harry:** idk y they had to be crushed but

 **Ned:** how did you crush them? 

**Harry:** my hands? 

**Harry:** how else do u crush them? 

**Harls:** idk if Pete’s crying or laughing

 **Harry:** so i just toss them in the pot

 **MJ:** wait how many tomatoes

 **Harry:** all of them? 

**MJ:** Harry we had like five cartons of tomatoes!

 **Harry:** the more the s a u c i e r 

**MJ:** oml

 **Harry:** only problem is now 

**Harry:** i’m so tired

 **Harls:** noOOOO

 **Harry:** so i’m like cool i’ll just chill on the couch

 **Harry:** set an alarm to go off in 15 mins

 **Harry:** only it was actually like 5 hours

 **Harry:** and i wake up like o no my sauce!

 **Harry:** and i go to the kitchen and it’s reaaaaaaal smokey

 **Ned:** You are amazing

 **Gwen:** this is beautiful

 **Pete:** why did the fire alarm not go off

 **MJ:** lol what fire alarm

 **Harls:** oH NOOooooOOOO

 **Harry:** but i put it out!

 **Harry:** and this is the result

 **Gwen:** can we get the picture again? 

**Harry:** [Spaghetti sauce](https://pin.it/1qSfSSy)

 **Harls:** i am dydidjgn

 **Pete:** I ahte yui

 **Ned:** priceless

 **Gwen:** this is what i’m still in this chat for

**Harry:** i still want pasta

**Harry: 😔😭**

**_Black Goo Man_ **

**Harry:** DID YOU DO IT YET

 **Harls:** fucking hell Osborn no

 **Harry:** WHY 

**Harry:** THE

 **Harry:** FUCK

 **Harry:** NOT

 **Harls:** i mean i was gonna

 **Harls:** but then your cooking story happened

 **Harls:** and Pete threw his phone

 **Harls:** and we kinda got kicked out of the museum so

 **Harry:** jfc

**_ScienceChild_ **

**Miles:** I AM SO BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS PETER

 **Peter:** Miles

 **Miles:** WHY HAVEN’T YOU DONE IT YET

 **Peter:** I WAS GOING TO

 **Miles:** WHAT STOPPED YOU

 **Peter:** A ROUGE MOTORIST 

**Miles:** oh yeah you yelled at him for ruining your proposal 

**Miles:** I DIDN’T tell Harley that btw

 **Peter:** little miracles


	44. Germany and Rings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our disasters back at it

**_Black Goo Man_ **

**Harley:** Huston we have a problem

**Harry:** who tf is huston

**Harry:** my name is H a r r y 

**Harley:** Harold we have a problem

**Harry:** H a r r y 

**Harry:** y is it so hard

**Harley:** I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT HAROLD 

**Harry:** jfc okay

**Harry:** y

**Harry:** did u ask 

**Harry:** r u finally asking

**Harry:** like damn son it’s been weeks

**Harley:** that’s the problem

**Harry:** he’s going to say yes

**Harry:** 😒

**Harley:** I LOST THE RING

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** daily update: 

**Harry:** @pete

**Harry:** ur bf is dumb

**Pete:** What

**Pete:** No

**Pete:** He’s like the smartest person I know

**Harls:** 😭😭😭😭

**Harls:** thanks babe

**Harry:** u d o n t u n d e r s t a n d 

**Pete:** then explain? 

**Harls:** or don’t

**Harry:** i cant and it is k i l l i n g me

**MJ:** Can you explain to me? 

**Gwen:** ^

**Ned:** ^^

**Harry:** @Harls? 

**Harls:** you can literally see me typing why bother tagging me

**Harls:** and n O

**Harry:** i’m gon tell MJ

**MJ:** win

**Harls:** n O

**MJ:** Wow

**MJ:** You’re an idiot

**Harls:** don’t do this to me

**Pete:** What did Harley do? 

**Harls:** lived

**MJ:** Was born

**Harry:** existed on earth

**Pete:** Yikes 

**Pete:** I do not approve

**Harls:** of me? Me neither

**Pete:** no of this hate Harley speak

**Gwen:** ^

**Gwen:** Harley is valid and shall not be hated on

**Harls:** this time i deserve it

**Pete:** Yet no one will tell me why

**Harry:** i have been silenced

**MJ:** literally if I even try the message just… deletes? 

**Harls:** technology bitches

**Ned:** But this is a controlled chat room? 

**Ned:** Like I control it? 

**Ned:** H o w 

**Harls:** i know people too

**Pete:** ominous

**Pete:** Should I be worried? 

**Harry:** lmao no

**Harry:** we don’t actually think Harley is a dumbass

**MJ:** I do

**MJ:** But a loveable dumbass

**Harls:** i feel so loved 

**_Black Goo Man_ **

**Harley:** I AM PANICKING

**Harry:** well stop damn

**Harry:** where did u last have it

**Harley:** we’re at a Christmas market and i HAD it 

**Harley:** but then i LOST IT

**Harry:** jfc

**Harry:** i’m adding MJ

**Harley:** 😭😭😭😭

**Harley:** do you know how hard it is to n o t tip Peter off that something’s wrong

**MJ:** can I change the chat name to Harley is an idiot

**Harley:** no

**Harry:** yes

**Harry:** please

**Harry:** i am getting so tired of black goo man

**Harley:** but that is what you a r e

**MJ:** and an idiot is what you a r e 

**Harley:** fair 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Ned:** So you guys are at a Christmas market? 

**Pete:** Yes!

**Pete:** Stocking up on Christmas presents

**Gwen:** oooo

**Gwen:** what exactly is a Christmas market? 

**Gwen:** also is that ur one good thing today? 

**Pete:** No

**Pete:** My one good thing is this

**Pete:** [Simon](https://pin.it/2Ep8b2T)

**Gwen:** omg wat

**Ned:** Is that Simon? 

**MJ:** I always forget you two have a duck named Simon already

**Harry:** wait wat’s the name of the bby duck

**Harry:** i am an uncle to so many babies

**Harls:** Simon is the OG duck

**Harls:** Abby’s watching him and sent us that this morning

**Pete:** She said he was feeling down so she wrote him little notes on the mirror

**MJ:** I also forget that Harley has a sister

**Harls:** don’t do that

**Harls:** Abby’s cool

**Pete:** She loves being a duck aunt

**Gwen:** i mean who wouldn’t

**Ned:** ^

**Ned:** Wait you never told me what a Christmas market is

**Pete:** [Market in Germany](https://pin.it/7mvejry)

**Gwen:** omg i want to go

**Pete:** I think NY has something like that in like the train station

**Gwen:** have u picked up any German? 

**Pete:** uh… danke

**Harls:** Peter is good at many things but not languages

**Pete:** I know Spanish! 

**Pete:** And some Italian!

**Harry:** y Italian? 

**Pete:** reasons

**Ned:** Tony

**Harls:** Tony

**Ned:** Heeeey

**Harls:** ayyyy

**_Actual Goddess_ **

**Peter:** Maaaaaaaay

**May:** Hi baby

**May:** Has it happened yet? 

**Peter:** No!

**Peter:** 😔

**Peter:** I keep turning around to get it and then turn back and he’s g o ne 

**May:** Gone? 

**Peter:** He keeps getting distracted by everything and fsdhfsdf

**May:** Well you are travelling

**May:** Why not just ask? 

**May:** Ben didn’t even have a ring when he asked

**Peter:** I have a Plan

**May:** How well has that worked out? 

**Peter:** Terribly May 

**Peter:** Thanks for the reminder

**_Harley is an Idiot_ **

**Harry:** wow she really did it

**Harley:** I feel personally slighted

**MJ:** I don’t care

**Harley:** I asked the nice lady at the first booth and she said no

**Harley:** but she’d keep an eye out

**MJ:** Did you call the hotel? 

**Harley:** Yes

**Harley:** they are also keeping an eye out

**Harry:** dude

**Harry:** how does one lose an engagement ring

**MJ:** just propose with a donut or something

**Harley:** Peter deserves more than that

**Harry:** ^^^^

**Harry:** my boi deserves a R I N G

**MJ:** He wouldn’t care

**Harley:** but i would? 

**Harley:** also like

**Harley:** that ring is special i need it

**Harry:** special how

**MJ:** Special? 

**Harley:** it was his dad’s

**Harry:** omg i’m crying

**MJ:** He is

**MJ:** That’s actually stupidly cute

**MJ:** You better find that

**Harley:** i am t r y i n g

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Pete:** STOP DISAPPEARING ON ME

**Harls:** sorry sorry where are you

**Pete:** crying

**Pete:** next to the carousel

**Harls:** okay on my way

**Pete:** I don’t speak German you can’t just d i t c h me in Germany

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** I rescind my protests to Harley is a Dumbass

**Pete:** Because he keeps ditching me in Germany and I Do Not Appreciate

**Gwen:** ooo come on Harley that’s not cool

**Ned:** This is why you should have brought me instead

**Harry:** jfc harley

**MJ:** Dumbass

**Harls:** i do not appreciate that you’re all ganging up on me

**Ned:** Stop ditching Peter!

**_ScienceChild_ **

**Miles:** HAVE YOU ASKED YET

**Peter:** Kind of hard to ask when

**Peter:** HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY FROM ME

**Miles:** oh no

**Miles: 😟**

**Peter:** I might actually cry

**Peter:** Miles why is this so hard

**Miles:** don’t take it as a sign because it’s not

**Peter:** omg I wasn’t even THINKING OF THAT UNTIL NOW

**Miles:** NO

**Peter:** OMG IS IT A SIGN?!

**Miles:** NOOOOOOO

**Miles:** DON’T LISTEN TO ME IT’S NOT A SIGN

**Peter:** OMGGGGGG

**_Actual Goddess_ **

**Peter:** A German lady asked me why I looked so sad in broken English

**Peter:** And when I told her just patted my arm and said, “The woes of a heart.” 

**May:** Goodness, Peter

**Peter:** May what if it’s a sign

**May:** Don’t you dare

**May:** Peter Benjamin Parker

**May:** I have never seen two people that are more meant to be together

**May:** Maybe it’s just not the right time

**Peter:** He keeps walking away like

**Peter:** What if he’s trying to break up with me

**Peter:** But be nice about it

**May:** No.

**May:** Shut that thought down

**_The Roomies_ **

**Pete:** Harley keeps ditching me 

**Pete:** and it’s freaking me out

**Harry:** oh no

**Harry:** no he’s fine

**Harry:** i promise he’s just

**Harry:** trying to buy ur present

**Pete:** What

**Harry:** yeh he’s been texting me about it

**Pete:** he’s not trying to break up? 

**Harry:** OMG NO

**Harry** : PETER NO

**Harry:** N E V E R 

**_Harley is an Idiot_ **

**Harry:** HARLEY FIND PETER

**Harley:** am i supposed to find Peter or the ring 

**Harley:** like come on

**MJ:** ring

**Harry:** no Peter

**Harry:** he thinks you’re trying to break up

**Harley:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Harley:** i found him but he’s talking to the first stall owner 

**Harley:** and idk what about

**Harley:** but they both pointed at me

**Harley:** and i’m F R E A K I N G OUT

**MJ:** lmao this is hilarious

**Harley:** the nice lady came up to me, put her hand on my arm, and said, “such idiot boys” 

**Harley:** and i am

**Harry:** omgggg

**MJ:** I am screaming 

**MJ:** iconic

**_Parents of SpiderChildren_ **

**May:** Oh god Peter is freaking out

**Tony:** I can confirm that Harley is too

**Matt:** Those two are disasters

**Rio:** Why are they freaking out? 

**Jefferson:** Miles is just yelling into his pillow, “That’s not what I meant.” 

**Jefferson:** Should we be concerned? 

**Matt:** I am concerned daily

**Tony:** I can’t believe he lost the ring

**May:** He LOST THE RING

**Matt:** Way to go, IronDildo

**Rio:** IronDildo dios mio

**Tony:** Do you talk to your priest with that mouth? 

**Jefferson:** I want that text printed out and framed on my desk. 

**May:** He lost RICHARD’S ring? 

**Rio:** This is just their lives, no? 

**Jefferson:** It seems a normal occurrence. 

**Matt:** Without that suit on, you’re pretty easy to break old man.

**Tony:** Oooh buddy, how I want to test that. 

**May:** STOP

**May:** I should tell him. 

**May:** Peter is on verge of thinking they’re breaking up

**Tony:** This is going about as well as my proposal to Pepper.

**Matt:** I still don’t know how you got her to say yes. 

**Tony:** How would you ever get anyone to say yes to you? 

**Matt:** I mean I have two to your one so, mathematically, that’s better. 

**Rio:** You two fight worse than children. 

**May:** ^

**Jefferson:** Wouldn’t telling him ruin it for Harley? 

**Jefferson:** I remember how nervous I was when I asked Rio. 

**Jefferson:** I think I “lost” the ring like ten times. 

**Rio:** I’ve heard the stories from Aaron. 

**Rio:** They are very funny. 

**May:** Wait… “lost”?

**Jefferson:** Yeah I’d get so worked up that I’d just forget it somewhere 

**Jefferson:** Or have it in a different pocket or something

**Jefferson:** I once left it open on the bedside table and was shocked she didn’t find it. 

**Rio:** Oh I did

**Rio:** I was just smart and said nothing. 

**May:** He’s not that dumb though. 

**Tony:** He is. 

**_Second Mom_ **

**Harley:** I have checked everywhere but I can’t f i n d it

**Harley:** I might cry

**May:** Are you sure you checked everywhere? 

**Harley:** Yes

**May:** EVERYWHERE?!

**May:** Check again. 

**Harley:** I have checked like 20 times

**May:** Humor me. 

**Harley:** well

**May:** Where was it? 

**Harley:** I do not wish to say.

**_ Harley is an Idiot _ **

**Harley:** i found it

**Harry:** WHERE

**MJ:** ^

**MJ:** If you had it on you this whole time, Keener

**Harley:** i might have left it in Peter’s camera bag

**Harley:** because i had this whole plan

**Harry:** YOU

**MJ:** jfc I hate you sometimes

**Harley:** i can’t believe i forgot about the plan

**Harry:** how has he NOT found it

**Harley:** he hasn’t used that lens today apparently

**MJ:** Luck of the draw

**Harry:** probably because he’s too busy FREAKING OUT thinking you’re trying to break up with him

**Harley:** I KNOW I’M DUMB OKAY

**MJ:** I’m the only one that can deprecate

**MJ:** chill that noise

**Harry:** fhsudfsdhfuihsd

**Harry:** ask now? 

**Harley:** other stuff is happening 

**Harley:** busy

**MJ:** Jfc

**Harry:** I hate you

**MJ:** I mean at least someone is getting laid

**_ScienceChild_ **

**Miles:** Did you ask yet? 

**Peter:** no

**Miles:** why

**Peter:** uh

**Peter:** other stuff happened

**Miles:** what other stuff? 

**Miles:** o

**Miles:** OH

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** [Harley](https://pin.it/4D6IzAb)

**Harls:** get my face outta here

**Gwen:** Heeey Harley’s still alive 

**Ned:** Lmao you’re still together even after he ditched you? 

**Pete:** Yes

**Harls:** I didn’t mean to

**Harry:** christmas presents are a bitch to get huh

**Harls:** what? 

**Pete:** ? That’s why you kept leaving right? 

**Harry:** YES

**Harls:** oOh

**Harls:** yes

**Harls:** absolutely

**Harls:** so

**Harls:** uh

**Harls:** hard to get

**MJ:** You’re both fucking Avengers

**Gwen:** yeah they are

**Gwen: 😉**

**Ned:** ba be 

**Gwen:** so are you

**Ned: 😚**

**Harry:** nO PlS

**Harls:** [Peter](https://pin.it/5d8yvd5)

**Harls:** proof of life

**Harry:** but it still hasn’t happened yet so 

**Pete:** what hasn’t happened yet

**Harry:** Harley’s death

**Pete:** O.O

**Harls:** whoa man

**MJ:** Get ‘im, Har

**Gwen:** i am missing something fundamental

**Ned:** ^

**Gwen:** anyway these assholes just sent me this

**Gwen:** [I don't even have a valid excuse except this is cute so we're pretending](https://pin.it/2QejC0s)

**Gwen:** and i thought we would all like to know that our otp is still going strong

**Ned:** Sometimes I forget that you’re a nerd too

**Ned:** and then you casually drop the slang and I’m like, “Oh yeah, Gwen’s into everything she’s so awesome.” 

**MJ:** get this wholesome shit out of my face

**Harry:** be gone

**Gwen:** lik u 2 rnt sicknig

**Pete:** That sentence was sickening


	45. Rome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> E x p o s e them

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls:** on today’s update of disastrous things i’ve seen Peter do

**Harls:** he chased a dog through the colosseum 

**Harls:** normally not much of a problem

**Harls:** we didn’t have tickets though

**Harls:** so Pete just ran passed security and after a dog through the entire Roman Colosseum 

**Gwen:** omg

**Gwen:** did he get arrested

**Pete:** NO!

**Pete:** The officers were very nice

**Harls:** if i did that i would be arrested

**Harls:** but because Peter is Peter he managed not to be

**Ned:** But H o W

**Pete:** The dog was their chief’s dog

**Harry:** what even

**MJ:** Your life is weird

**Pete:** Harley just asked for Italian ice in Italy

**Harls:** i mean is that not where it comes from

**Pete:** He was so confused when the waiter just came back with ice

**Harls:** that was not what i was asking for

**Pete:** I’m d y i n g

**Pete:** he’s just sitting here watching the ice melt 

**Harls:** i feel insulted

**Harry:** it is three in the goddamn morning u heathens

**Pete:** Put your phone on silent dumbass

**Harls:** ^

**Harry:** smh

**Harry:** rude

**Pete:** [Italy](https://pin.it/wps4Q0L)

**Harls:** it is so warm here 

**Harls:** i am never coming back

**Gwen:** Nooooooo come back

**Harls:** it is four

**Harls:** in the morning?????

**Harls:** why are you up?????

**Gwen:** to see Peter’s pics

**Gwen:** also

**Gwen:** patrol

**Gwen:** [Ghost Spider](https://pin.it/3fDwdPn)

**Pete:** Oh shit

**Pete:** that is a good shot

**Gwen:** travelling has made you swear more

**Pete: 🤷‍♂️**

**Pete:** Becca says not to let anyone tell me who I’m supposed to be

**Gwen:** Awe

**Pete:** And that I’m allowed to be whoever I am regardless of what people want

**Pete:** So… I want to swear sometimes

**Pete:** So I am

**Harls:** i’m honestly stupidly proud of this man

**Pete: 😊**

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Pete:** What should a sick bird do? 

**Pete:** Get tweetment.

**Harls:** i want a job cleaning mirrors 

**Harls:** it’s something i can really see myself doing

**Pete:** What grades did the pirate get on his report card? 

**Pete:** Seven Cs.

**Harls:** how do you make a tissue dance 

**Harls:** put a little boogie in it

**Pete:** How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game? 

**Pete:** The ghost of Christmas passed!

**Harls:** did you hear about the mediocre restaurant on the moon 

**Harls:** it has great food but no atmosphere

**Pete:** What kinds of pictures do hermit crabs take? 

**Pete:** Shellfies.

**Harls:** wait wait wait

**Pete:** ? 

**Harls:** i just had a genius idea

**Pete:** go on

**Harls:** hold on

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls:** what do you get a man with the heart of a lion

**Harls:** a lifetime ban from the zo.

**Pete:** What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree? 

**Pete:** A branch manager.

**Harls:** why did the baby cookie cry 

**Harls:** because its mother was a wafer so long

**Pete:** What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? 

**Pete:** One you’ll see later, the other you’ll see in a while.

**Harls:** when is a door not really a door

**Harls:** when it’s really ajar

**Pete:** What do you do when you see a spaceman? 

**Pete:** Park in it, man.

**Harls:** why do you never see elephants hiding in trees 

**Harls:** because they’re so good at it

**Pete:** Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? 

**Pete:** Poor guy really needed some space.

**Harls:** why did the coffee call the police 

**Harls:** it got mugged

**Harry:** wat

**Harry:** why

**Harry:** i wake up to t h i s

**MJ:** Reasons why I hate all of you: 

**MJ:** these jokes

**Gwen:** this is w i l d

**Ned:** NO 

**Ned:** GUYS 

**Ned:** NO

**Pete:** Why did Cyclops close his school? 

**Pete:** He only had one pupil.

**Harry:** s t o p

**Harls:** where do skunks pray

**Harls:** in pews

**Gwen:** dope

**Pete:** If you’re American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re in the bathroom? 

**Pete:** European.

**Ned:** we can’t be friends anymore

**Harls:** why do birds fly south for the winter

**Harls:** because it’s too far to walk

**MJ:** I hate you

**Pete:** What was the mummy’s favorite type of music? 

**Pete:** Wrap.

**Harry:** I DEMAND AN END TO THIS

**Harls:** i’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet 

**Harls:** i don’t know why

**Ned:** this is abuse

**Pete:** Why are there fences in cemeteries? 

**Pete:** Because everyone’s always dying to get in.

**MJ:** I’ll put you in a cemetery

**Harls:** a company is making glass coffins 

**Harls:** whether they’re successful remains to be seen

**Harry:** i hate u 

**Pete:** What did one wall say to the other? 

**Pete:** “Meet me at the corner!”

**Harry:** i hate this

**Harls:** what do you call a large African mammal with long hair and sandals

**Harls:** a hippie-potamus

**Harry:** i want a divorce

**Pete:** How do you think the unthinkable? 

**Pete:** With an itheberg!

**MJ:** Death would be better than this

**Harls:** what’s the award for being the best dentist

**Harls:** a plaque

**Ned:** Harley I used to think you were cool

**Pete:** Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? 

**Pete:** Because the P is silent.

**Gwen:** i love this

**Harls:** i bought sneakers from a drug dealer 

**Harls:** i don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day

**Harry:** y 

**Pete:** Why did Mozart hate chickens? 

**Pete:** Because when he asked them for their favorite composer, they said, “Bach! Bach! Bach!”

**Harry:** i just wanted to sleep

**Harls:** why did the toilet paper roll downhill 

**Harls:** to get to the bottom

**MJ:** I will fly to Rome and kill you both

**Pete:** What’s the best name for a man who can’t stand?

**Pete:** Neil.

**MJ:** I will go down in history as the woman that murdered Spider-Man and Iron Man

**Harls:** what do you call a deer with no eyes

**Harls:** no eyed deer

**MJ:** And I will have no shame

**Pete:** Why are groups of fish so smart? 

**Pete:** Because they travel in schools.

**Harry:** fuck parker

**Harls:** how much does the heaviest skeleton weigh 

**Harls:** a skeleTON

**Harry:** just fuck u both

**Harry:** [Peter and vaccum](https://pin.it/7lpllOw)

**Pete:** WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT

**Ned:** WHY ARE YOU WITH A VACCUM

**Harls:** OMGGG

**MJ:** WHY HAVE I NEVER SEEN THIS

**Gwen:** omgggggggGGGGG

**Pete:** THIS IS WAR 

**Pete:** When Harry was younger he was forced into a picture with a cousin and

**Pete:** [Harry and cousin](https://pin.it/4utaFmd)

**Harls:** THE KNIFE

**MJ:** the problem with having friends for so long is that things like this happen

**Ned:** YOU’RE FACE HARRY

**Gwen:** omfg

**Harry:** Peter sends me the most ridiculous snaps

**Harry:** [Peter](https://pin.it/20oxezy)

**Harls:** IT’S THE FACE

**Gwen:** omgsdgh

**Pete:** Harry once asked me why 2 + 2 isn’t 22

**Harry:** i watched Peter chug an entire jar of pickle juice on a dare

**Pete:** Harry’s favorite movie is Enchanted and he knows EVERY WORD

**Harry:** Peter got thrown out of a field trip because he snuck in whipped cream and it exploded all over a super rare painting in MoMa

**Pete:** Harry got high once and thought he was putting chocolate chips in his pancakes but really put bunny poop

**Harls:** OMGGGG

**Ned:** W A T 

**MJ:** I’ve kissed that mouth

**Harry:** I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE

**Harry:** PETER USED TO ONLY POOP IN LIKE ONE SPOT AND JUST CARRY IT INTO THE BATHROOM TO FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET UNTIL MARY CAUGHT HIM AND JUST SCREAMED

**Harls:** WHAT EVEN

**Pete:** I WAS THREE

**Pete:** HARRY’S FIRST WET DREAM WAS ABOUT MAY

**Harry:** PETER’S FIRST WAS ABOUT TONY STARK

**Pete:** YOU BITCH

**Harls:** there is so much happening here i don’t know how to comprehend

**Pete:** Harry was sleeping over his aunt’s house once and poured cereal right? Only there was no milk so he used BREAST MILK instead

**MJ:** WHY

**Harry:** PETER WAS THERE TOO AND HE DRANK IT

**Gwen:** i am

**Ned:** this is perfection keep going

**Harry:** Peter’s favorite movie is Newsies and he went around for an entire YEAR saying 20s slang and wearing a Newsies cap

**Pete:** That is how I learned to BACKFLIP

**Pete:** I once watched Harry slap himself with a fly swatter because he thought there was a fly next to his face but it was really his own hair

**Harry:** Pete fell asleep once so I drew on his face and he had n o i d e a for days until Ben finally caved and told him

**Pete:** Harry stole the pink H from Highlights when he was drunk

**Pete:** [H](https://pin.it/2h12zy5)

**Harry:** NO 

**Pete:** HE STILL HAS IT IN A STORAGE UNIT AND THE COPS ARE STILL LOOKING FOR WHO TOOK IT

**Harry:** Peter and I got into an argument once and he cut off all the brussels of my toothbrush

**Pete:** Harry kicks in his sleep 

**Harry:** Peter pranked me by foil wrapping my entire office

**Pete:** Harry puts milk in before the cereal

**Ned:** You MONSTER

**MJ:** I can’t be with you anymore

**Harry:** Peter got drunk when we were like eight 

**Gwen:** w a t

**Harry:** Ben referred to his whiskey as “special soda” so we snuck some and tried and it and it was the one and only time Peter got waaaaasted but May was so mad at Ben she forgot to be mad at Peter until he threw up in the fish tank and killed all their fish

**Harls:** W H A T 

**Pete:** I am a murderer

**Pete:** Harry used to have a water vaporizer 

**Pete:** and he used to vaporize like every sort of liquid he could

**Pete:** So once he peed right in it and his room smelled like pee for days

**Harry:** Peter once pooped in a litter box 

**Pete:** I convinced Harry once that he could roll off the top bunk and onto the bottom bunk 

**Pete:** instead he rolled right onto the floor and broke his nose

**Harry:** I thought it would be funny to buy a ton of plastic spiders and hide them in Peter’s bed once

**Harry:** He screamed so loud our RA thought he was being murdered

**Pete:** When I was six I was really sick and knew mom was gonna make me drink cough syrup and I h a t e d cough syrup so I poured it all down the drain 

**Pete:** She got home and asked where it was and I said Harry drank it all

**Pete:** When they asked him he said no 

**Pete:** Needless to say they didn’t believe him and we all spent all night in the ER with Harry drinking liquid charcoal and having his stomach pumped

**Gwen:** omg that is evil

**Harry:** Pete and I had this game where we would hide and try to scare each other in college

**Harry:** well I went away for like a week for a business thing

**Harry:** and came back early

**Harry:** and hid in his closet

**Harry:** and Peter jumped so high he literally did a flip and stuck to the roof like a cat

**Pete:** I used to be really into sliming people like they did on Nickelodeon 

**Pete:** So Harry and I made our own game show and I didn’t tell him I made actual slime

**Harry:** so when I got the question wrong i got slimed 

**Harls:** these started off so cruel but ended vaguely wholesome???? 

**Harls:** Wanna see a picture of me and Abby when she was born? 

**Gwen:** y e s 

**Harls:** [Harley and Abby](https://pin.it/4zamTDD)

**Ned:** omg 

**Gwen:** u

**Pete: 🤣**

**MJ:** You’re both idiots

**MJ:** Harry - just casually at least once a day, “I love Peter.”

**MJ:** [Harry and Peter](https://pin.it/5Q5kV17)

**MJ:** [Harry and Peter](https://pin.it/4irMovt)

**MJ:** [Harry and Peter](https://pin.it/6rm6Lv4)

**Gwen:** awe look how cute they are

**Ned:** I know it’s disgusting right

**Harry:** I love Peter

**Pete:** I love you too, Har

**Harls:** Luckily, I am confident enough to not be jealous 

**Harry:** so one time

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

**Harls:** every time man

**Harls:** you fall for it every time

**Harry:** mother fuuuuuuuuuu

**_Harley is an Idiot_ **

**Harry:** if ur not doing it in France at least do it in Italy

**MJ:** Peter loves Italy do it there

**Harley:** I tried

**Harry:** and? 

**MJ:** did you though

**Harley:** the dog distracted him

**_Sister Keener_ **

**Abs:** you didn’t do it yet did you

**Pete:** no 

**Pete: 😟**

**Abs:** jfc

**Abs:** why

**Pete:** Ginny was sick

**Abs:** who is Ginny?

**Pete:** you’re niece

**Pete:** [Ginny](https://pin.it/2QOXBQ1)

**Pete:** Also I had to save a dog

**Abs:** You’re a disaster, Parker

**Pete:** I know

**Pete:** It’s part of my charm


	46. Prague

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact that I only have five chapters left is w i l d and so very bittersweet.

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**MJ:** I just watched Harry in the middle of a meeting stand up 

**MJ:** Gesture to Tony Stark

**MJ:** Forget his name

**MJ:** And just say

**MJ:** This Bitch

**Harry:** I did do that

**Harls:** why were you even at the meeting MJ

**MJ:** I like to sit in the corner and creep out old men by sketching their faces whenever Harry says something to remind them they’re taking orders from a 22 year old CEO 

**MJ:** And they’re just sitting there with their business degrees having worked up the ladder 

**MJ:** And their opinions are still wrong

**Harls:** oh

**Harls:** chill chill chill

**Harls:** to be fair i love watching Pepper shut misogynists down 

**MJ:** That’s my dream

**Harls:** to watch it or to be Pepper

**MJ:** Both

**Harls:** fair

**Gwen:** how’s Prague

**Pete:** [Prague](https://pin.it/2BiYEE9)

**Ned:** These pictures give me life

**Gwen:** i thought i gave u life

**Ned:** awe babe you do

**Ned:** but so do the pictures

**Harls:** it’s pretty cool

**Harls:** lots of castles

**Harls:** Czech is fun to learn too

**Pete:** International Business Man Harley Keener 

**Harls:** lmao no

**Pete:** he was talking to a random guy yesterday and

**Pete:** somehow business came up

**Pete:** and I think Harley actually managed to sign a business deal on vacation

**Harry:** is this tru

**Harls:** maybe

**Pete:** It’s true

**Harry:** stop showing me up man

**Harry:** Totally unfair

**MJ:** Says the guy that just signed a new patent

**Harry:** shhhHHHHH

**Gwen:** how do i know so many different ceos

**Ned:** man how do I know so many different superheroes

**Pete:** Just roll with it

**Ned:** Is that your life motto

**Pete:** Yes

**Ned:** How’s that working out for you? 

**Pete:** We all know how that’s working out for me

**Ned:** Lmao point

**Ned:** @Pete!

**Pete:** Ned!

**Ned:** DID YOU SEE THE STAR WARS NEWS

**Pete:** OMG YES 

**Harls:** god he’s been screaming about it all day

**Pete:** YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND

**Harry:** star trek is better

**Ned:** Shut it

**Pete:** HAROLD I WILL DISOWN YOU

**MJ:** Don’t threaten that he’ll cry

**Harry:** I WILL C R Y PETER

**MJ:** ^

**Pete:** ANYWAY

**Ned:** How cool is it?! 

**Pete:** OMG so fucking cool, man

**Pete:** wait I’m gonna call you 

**Ned:** YES

**Harls:** fucking nerds

**MJ:** ^

**MJ:** I have never read a truer statement

**Harry:** What time is it there? 

**Harls:** midnight

**Harry:** why aren’t you sleeping? 

**Harls:** currently because Peter is talking very excitedly on the phone with Ned about stormtroopers or something

**Harry:** well that sucks

**Gwen:** Jess says she loves Star Wars

**Gwen:** @Ned and @Pete

**Ned:** SHE JUST GOT SO MUCH COOLER

**Gwen:** she is now also on the call with them

**Gwen:** remember when Peter hated her

**Harls:** i think he still may

**Harls:** wait nope

**Harls:** she apparently agrees with a random little known opinion about a character i don’t care about 

**Harls:** i don’t understand any of this conversation

**Harry:** How is Peter with you if you don’t understand Star Wars

**Harls:** How are you still his best friend if you don’t like Star Wars

**Harry:** touche

**MJ:** You’re all idiots

**Harls:** thanks MJ love you too

**_Harley is an Idiot_ **

**MJ:** what’s the excuse this time

**Harls:** he’s literally on the phone with Ned and Jessica

**Harry:** STEAL THE PHONE AND JUST HANG UP THEN MAN

**Harls:** i am rather fond of actually having someone to propose to

**Harls:** so no

**MJ:** Propose while he’s on the phone

**Harls:** fuck no

**Harls:** this is an us moment not an us, Ned, and Jessica moment

**MJ:** want me to text Ned 

**MJ:** He’d get off the phone if he knew

**Harry:** Ned is worse than Peter with secrets

**Harry:** don’t tell Ned anything

**MJ:** Jessica? 

**Harls:** no it’s actually kind of cute 

**Harls:** i love that he’s actually letting himself be passionate about something again

**Harls:** let’s NOT mess with that 

**MJ:** at this point you two are never going to get engaged

**Harry:** ^

**_Sister Keener_ **

**Peter:** I DROPPED THE RING OFF THE BALCONY

**Abs:** why the fuck

**Abs:** isn’t it like 2am there

**Peter:** YES

**Peter:** BUT I DROPPED THE RING OFF THE BALCONY ABBY

**Abs:** well then go get it

**Peter:** I CAN’T WITHOUT HARLEY KNOWING SOMETHING IS UP

**Abs:** my brother is an idiot 

**Abs:** just tell him you’re going to the bathroom or something and go get it

**Peter:** I mean yeah if I just go out the window and 

**Abs:** Why would you go out the window 

**Peter:** So that he doesn’t see me? 

**Abs:** lmao okay do it

**Abs:** I want to hear how this goes wrong

**Peter:** this is not going to go wrong 

**Peter:** I am offended you think it is

**Peter:** it went wrong

**Abs:** Abby 5, Peter 0

**Abs:** how did it go wrong

**Peter:** he caught me climbing back up

**Abs:** jfc

**Peter:** I needed an excuse so

**Peter:** we have a dog now? 

**Abs:** w h a t e v e n 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls:** so 

**Harls:** apparently

**Harls:** Peter heard a dog crying in a box in the middle of the road last night

**MJ:** what

**Harls:** climbed down the fucking window 

**Gwen:** y not just use the stairs in the hotel

**Harls:** i have asked him this ten times 

**Pete:** It would have been too late!

**Harry:** u didnt even bring sm gear

**Pete:** I am Sticky 

**Gwen:** ^

**Ned:** hollering

**Ned:** did no one notice? 

**Harls:** no

**Harls:** thank god we’re staying in a quiet area

**Harls:** anyway

**Harls:** we have a dog now

**Gwen:** w h a t

**Harry:** shfuisdfusdhf

**MJ:** Do you have a fucking farm or something like shit 

**Pete:** one day

**Pete:** maybe

**Ned:** So

**Ned:** we send you to Europe

**Ned:** and you’re coming home with AT LEAST two new pets? 

**Harls:** yes

**Harry:** I am very confused 

**Harry:** how many nephews and nieces do i have

**Pete:** Well there’s Simon and Ginny 

**Gwen:** Ginny? 

**Pete:** Our duckling

**Harls:** and Kevin and Kevin’s three babies

**Pete:** Miles

**Harls:** Billy and Tommy my disaster children

**Pete:** Sir Charles

**Harls:** and now the puppy

**MJ:** what is the puppy’s name

**Pete:** Lasko

**Harls:** it means love in Czech 

**Pete:** [Lasko](https://pin.it/5aOxfcG)

**Harry:** I WOULD DIE FOR LASKO

**Gwen:** dfhsdfhsdifsdf wat is this beauty

**Ned:** I

**MJ:** I WOULD KILL FOR LASKO

**Ned:** Have you told Miles he has a brother yet? 

**Pete:** It’s 10am on a Saturday back home 

**Pete:** Do you really think Miles would be up this early

**Harls:** and it’s s i s t e r 

**Harls:** don’t misgender my baby

**Harry:** yeh Ned you monster

**Ned:** oop

**Ned:** I’m so sorry Lasko

**Harls:** she’s too kind to not forgive you on sight

**Gwen:** someone just left Lasko in a box?

**Pete:** I know

**Pete:** People are horrible

**MJ:** We should just let them all die

**MJ:** And happily give into our dog overlords

**Harry:** that’s not a frightening text to receive from your girlfriend or anything

**MJ:** I am the most frightening thing you’ve ever seen

**Harry:** truer words have never been spoken

**Harry:** even Venom’s scared of you

**MJ:** I know

**MJ:** I take pride in that

**MJ:** Venom should be v e r y scared of me

**Pete:** I’m very scared of you

**Harls:** i’m not

**Harls:** let’s fight Jones

**MJ:** You will lose Keener

**Harls:** t r y m e 

**Gwen:** Harley just being ready to fight

**Gwen:** for no reason

**Ned:** that’s a mood 

**Ned:** I’m ready to fight this line of code

**Harry:** it is 10am on a sat nedward

**Harry:** y r u working

**MJ:** Why are you? 

**Harry:** i am not

**Ned:** I’m trying to finalize this security protocol for Pete’s website and it’s n o t working r i g h t 

**Pete:** Ned it’s a Saturday

**Pete:** Take a day off

**Harry:** Yeah man come back to it on Monday

**MJ:** he says while he works

**Harry:** do as i say not as i do

**Ned:** sfushfifsifdkfj

**Ned:** I think I got it! 

**Ned:** Wait

**Ned:** no I don’t

**Harry:** as your current boss while your actual boss is on vacation

**Harry:** i demand you do not work on weekends

**Gwen:** Yeah babe 

**Gwen:** let’s go for a walk! 

**Gwen:** Clear our heads

**Ned:** ugggghhhh

**Ned:** I just crashed the whole site

**Harry:** Ned I can force you to take vacation

**Pete:** do it

**Ned:** nooooooo

**Ned:** fine fine fine

**Ned:** I’ll go on a walk

**Gwen:** Yay!

**MJ:** Now how does one get Harry to stop working

**Harry:** gimme like ten minutes

**Pete:** Har

**Harry:** Pete

**Pete:** stop working

**Harry:** fsduhguhsdgs 

**Harry:** okay

**MJ:** I hate how easy that was for you

**MJ:** I’ve been trying since he woke up at 6am

**Harls:** what were you working on at 6am

**Harry:** it’s a long 

**Harry:** complicated

**Harry:** and not fun story

**Harls:** yikes

**Harry:** it’s fine

**Harry:** it can wait

**Pete:** atta boy!

**MJ:** wtf Peter

**MJ:** are you like 60

**Pete:** My body feels like I am sometimes

**Harls:** he cracks in weird places

**Pete:** it’s a little strange

**Ned:** Getting thrown into busses and stuff will do that to you

**Pete:** facts

**_Actual Goddess_ **

**Peter:** I want to live in a big lavish apartment surrounded by sweaters, dogs, ducks, and cats. 

**Peter:** And Harley, obviously

**Peter:** And just have you over every single morning for breakfast and Matt over every Tuesday for Game Night with Foggy and Karen

**Peter:** And host Family Dinner every other Friday with the Starks and Rhodey

**Peter:** And just like adopt 50 kids that feel like they’re nothing 

**Peter:** And smother them with love and understanding 

**Peter:** And I want to give them a family and a home and safety 

**Peter:** And I want to stand next to Harry when MJ finally puts aside her reservations about marriage and asks him 

**Peter:** And I want to dance with you at my wedding and wear Ben’s jacket and 

**Peter:** And I want to dance to mom and dad’s song with Harley and it’ll be almost like they’re there too

**Peter:** And I want to see Miles graduate high school

**Peter:** And then watch him graduate college

**Peter:** idk why I’m sending all of this I just w a n t 

**Peter:** And idk like maybe today is the day that I can actually believe that I’ll get it all 

**Peter:** If I try hard enough it’ll just all happen 

**May:** Oh baby

**May:** Do you have any idea how long it’s been since you’ve last dreamed of the future

**May:** You’re making your old Aunt cry

**May:** I am so proud of you every single day

**May:** And Ben, Richard and Mary would be so very happy with the man you’ve become 

**May:** Did you ask him yet? 

**Peter:** no 

**Peter:** We have a dog now though!

**May:** Peter the apartment doesn’t allow dogs

**Peter:** But

**Peter:** It does? 

**May:** I give

**May:** What is the dog’s name? 

**Peter:** Lasko

**Peter:** She can’t wait to meet Grammy May

**Peter:** [Lasko](https://pin.it/3t6goXk)

**May:** Peter you’ve made me cry two times today

**Peter:** Don’t cry!

**Peter:** I didn’t mean to make you cry

**Peter:** I’m sorry

**May:** Shhh 

**May:** You did nothing wrong

**May:** And Lasko is adorable. 

**Clusterfuck**

**Gwen:** [OTP](https://pin.it/7jMuqKR)

**Gwen:** u r disgustingly cute

**Gwen:** @Harls @Pete

**Harry:** it’s stupid early there

**Harry:** if either of them answers i will flip this table

**MJ:** they’re disgusting 

**MJ:** more than cute

**Ned:** MJ hates to admit she loves love

**MJ:** Hiss

**Harry:** but

**MJ:** Shut it

**Harry:** shut

**Gwen:** Remember when Harry called MJ Chelle

**MJ:** And he is the only one that can

**Gwen:** but that’s not love lol

**MJ:** Not it is 

**MJ:** Full stop

**MJ:** I love him and that is the only reason why he can call me that

**Gwen:** you’re so c u t e 

**MJ:** no

**Harry:** love you too 

**Ned:** How happy is she right now? 

**MJ:** if you answer that

**Harry:** i cannot answer that in fear of what would happen if i did

**Ned:** fair

**Ned:** lmao could you imagine if Harley and Peter came back married

**Harry:** they better fucking not

**MJ:** if Harry doesn’t get to walk Peter down the aisle he might murder Harley

**Harry:** ^


	47. 1am Adventures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean for Harry to have a moment but I mean... don't regret it. 
> 
> Remember all: we're not who our parents wanted us to be... and that's okay.

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Gwen:** so

**Gwen:** i have a story

**Harls:** Hi Gwen

**Gwen:** !!!

**Gwen:** Hey boo!

**Gwen:** how’s Greece?

**Harls:** remember when i said i wasn’t leaving Italy? 

**Gwen:** ofc

**Harls:** well 

**Harls:** i’m not leaving Greece

**Harls:** it’s so b l u e

**Gwen:** ooooOOOO

**Harls:** i love b l u e 

**Gwen:** anyway

**Gwen:** i have a story

**Gwen:** god y does no one assemble for me

**Gwen:** i am h u r t by this lack of love

**Harls:** i have an excuse

**Harls:** it is like 6am 

**Gwen:** r u a pillow again

**Harls:** no 

**Harls:** i have a sleeping pillow tho

**Gwen:** awe

**Gwen:** fine ur excused

**Gwen:** but like where is everyone else

**Gwen:** guys? 

**Gwen:** did everyone d i e 

**Gwen:** I HAVE A STORY

**Gwen:** i hate you all

**Gwen:** this is worse than when Peter stops Harry from telling his story

**Gwen:** is that why no one’s answering

**Gwen:** do you all have a favorite spider and you didn’t tell me 

**Gwen:** when was the voting

**Gwen:** was i voted off the island

**Gwen:** h e a r t b r e a k

**Gwen:** it’s so lonely here

**Gwen:** the chat is so quiet

**Gwen:** should i start sending puns

**Gwen:** would that get people to answer me

**Gwen:** w h y can’t i think of any puns

**Gwen:** why has my brain betrayed me this way

**Gwen:** listen guys i’m running off of two hours of sleep

**Gwen:** and have rehearsal tonight

**Gwen:** so i will not be sleeping

**Gwen:** so if this is all some stupid ploy to get me to sleep

**Gwen:** i will raise you one spider that does not sleep

**Gwen:** i’m with Jess right now

**Gwen:** and she says you’re all losers and dumbasses

**Gwen:** which i cannot fight with

**Gwen:** because i once watched Harley accidentally drink motor oil 

**Gwen:** i also saw Peter web himself to the wall just a month ago

**Gwen:** and listened to Harry have an entire argument with himself over eating another pretzel

**Gwen:** and MJ deliberately steps on every crack to test out the break your mother’s back theory

**Gwen:** and Ned fell asleep on his keyboard and woke up with a perfectly formatted web page and we’re all still confused how that happened

**Gwen:** then again

**Gwen:** you’re also all the smartest people i know

**Gwen:** and Jess just told me that she wanted to make a cup out of sugar glass just so she could bite into it and scare her enemies 

**Gwen:** l i s t e n 

**Gwen:** I have a story

**Gwen:** so

**Gwen:** one time

**Gwen:** shit that usually works

**Gwen:** sgshdfhdsifh

**Gwen:** i am on my tenth cup of coffee today 

**Gwen:** and i just realized

**Gwen:** that i literally tagged none of you

**Gwen:** @everyone

**MJ:** you know what Stacey

**Gwen:** MJ!!!!!

**Harry:** I am in a very important meeting

**Ned:** Yeah we totally are

**Ned:** not playing video games during the meeting at all

**Harry:** fuck Ned you’re so bad at lying

**Harry:** How did you keep a proposal secret at all

**Harls:** w h y

**Harls:** i thought we were excused

**Pete:** I just want to sleeeeeeeeeep

**Gwen:** I HAVE A STORY

**Harls:** but i have a mute button

**Gwen:** don’t YOU DARE

**Harls:** WHY DOES THIS NOT WORK

**Pete:** works on mine

**Ned:** yeah well I like you

**Harls:** shgfushfgsduf

**Harls:** WHAT

**Harls:** WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU NED

**Ned:** I mean idk

**Ned:** but I feel like Peter needs the sleep more

**Harry:** ^^^^^^

**Harry:** wait wait 

**Harry:** Peter come back

**Harls:** he’s sleeping

**Harls:** since apparently he’s the only one that deserves to sleep at 8am

**Harry:** it’s 8am stop complaining and get some coffee

**Harry:** plus 8am vacation time is very different from 8am office time

**Ned:** or you know

**Ned:** different from 1am

**MJ:** I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP

**Gwen:** no one answered me :(

**MJ:** god that emoji is atrocious

**Gwen:** patrol is lonely

**Harry:** Peter come baaaaaaaack

**Harls:** aren’t you patrolling with Jess

**Gwen:** yes

**Harls:** bother her

**MJ:** I can’t believe I’m agreeing with him

**MJ:** but he’s right

**Gwen:** no she doesn’t want to hear the story

**Harls:** are you ever going to tell this story 

**Harls:** or are we going to be up in suspense for hours

**MJ:** Ned why can’t I mute this chat

**Ned:** Because 

**Ned:** Gwen has a story

**Gwen:** uwu

**MJ:** jfc 

**MJ:** I hate all of you

**Harry:** i-

**MJ:** I would love you more if you actually came to bed

**Harry:** but

**Harry:** we’re almost at the castle

**Harry:** Peteeeeeeeeeeeeeeer

**Harls:** he says fuck off

**Harry:** 😲

**Harry:** i am h u r t 

**Ned:** we need to rescue Peach!

**Harls:** are you idiots playing Mario at 1am

**MJ:** you better not be 

**Harry:** I couldn’t sleep

**Ned:** ^

**Ned:** So we stayed up and played Mario

**Harls:** fair

**Gwen:** WAIT I HAVE TO TELL MY STORY

**MJ:** jfc just tell us so i can go back to bed

**Gwen:** Peter has to come back

**Gwen: 😭**

**Harls:** i’ll tell him 

**Gwen:** no

**Gwen:** he has to b e h e r e 

**Harls:** Gwen 

**Harls:** I love you so much

**Gwen:** I love you too!!

**Harls:** but if you don’t tell this fucking story

**Harls:** i will have to break up with you

**Gwen: 😲**

**MJ:** I will disown you

**MJ:** Harry come to bed

**Harry:** No!

**Harry:** Peteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer 

**Harry:** I have a questionnnnnn

**Ned:** Want me to turn on his notifications? 

**Harls:** please don’t 

**Harls:** he will be Cranky

**Harry:** it’ll be real quick promise

**Ned:** ^^^^

**Ned:** We just have a really quick question

**MJ:** No come to bed

**Harry:** i c a n ‘ t s l e e p 

**MJ:** You or Venom

**Harry:** me

**MJ:** sweetheart

**MJ:** come to bed

**Harry:** i’m really not joking

**MJ:** you were sleeping fine earlier

**Harry: 🙃🙃🙃🙃**

**Harry:** things happened

**MJ:** what happened

**Harry:** things

**Harry:** i don’t really want to talk about it

**MJ:** then come to bed

**Harls:** yes let’s all go to bed

**Pete:** You’re not even IN bed anymore

**Harls:** i was making coffee

**Harls:** want some

**MJ:** you’re in the same room

**Pete:** no we’re not

**Harls:** I’m making coffee

**Harls:** Pete’s in bed

**Harry:** PETE

**Ned:** PETER

**Pete:** HAR

**Pete:** NEDTHANIAL 

**Ned:** we have a question

**Harry:** YES that

**Ned:** we’re playing Paper Mario 

**Pete:** fuck that’s a good game

**MJ:** don’t encourage this Parker

**Pete:** I do what I want

**Harls:** can attest that that

**MJ:** that’s because YOU let him

**Harls:** can also attest to that

**Harry:** okay so 

**Pete:** the castle? 

**Ned:** YES

**Ned:** we’ve been trying for hours

**MJ:** w h a t

**Ned:** at least since like 11

**MJ:** Harry we went to bed at 10

**Harry:** not talking about it

**Pete:** you good, har?

**Harry:** yeah

**Harry:** couldn’t sleep

**MJ:** Nightmare? 

**Harry:** we’re not talking about it pls

**MJ:** Okay

**MJ:** come back though i’m cold

**Harry:** are you going to yell at me if i play in bed

**MJ:** no

**Harls:** awe you’re so soft

**MJ:** Fuck you Keener

**Harls:** no thank you

**Harls:** I only let one person do that

**Pete:** Ayyyyy

**Harry:** no

**Harry:** stop that

**Harls:** I am on vacation I will not

**Gwen:** MYY STORY THOUGH

**MJ:** JFC GWEN WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR HALF AN HOUR JUST TELL US

**Ned:** lmao

**Pete:** Ned, why aren’t you sleeping? 

**Ned:** Harry couldn’t sleep

**Harry:** Ned doesn’t sleep when Gwen’s on patrol

**Ned:** wow man way to expose

**Harry: 🤷‍♂️**

**Harry:** i only speak the truth

**Gwen:** awe babe

**Gwen:** It wasn’t like it was a secret

**Harls:** point point

**Harls:** i don’t sleep when Pete’s on patrol without me

**MJ:** I can’t sleep if Harry’s out doing whatever Venom counts as patrol

**Harry:** usually eating

**MJ:** that thing is always eating

**Harry:** Venom is hungry all the time

**Harry:** it’s like being an empty vacuum that craves human flesh

**Pete:** that’s disturbing as fuck Har

**Harry:** i know

**Harls:** I didn’t need that visual

**Harry:** try having the thoughts

**Harls:** you can keep those man i don’t want them

**Pete:** Are you less murdery now, MJ? 

**MJ:** yes Harry is like a heater

**Pete:** facts

**Pete:** He’s a good cuddle buddy

**Pete:** so is Ned

**Harls:** I am nothing apparently

**Pete:** I didn’t think it needed to be said

**Harry:** lmao Harley is shit at cuddling 

**Ned:** we came first

**Pete:** [Greece ](https://pin.it/4PaJK1C)

**Pete:** [Greece](https://pin.it/4g9yxwz)

**Pete:** [Greece](https://pin.it/7j96N95)

**Pete:** [Greece](https://pin.it/5hCj6r0)

**Harry:** it’s so b l u e 

**MJ:** Pete those are good pics

**Ned:** MJ must be sleepy 

**Ned:** she’s texting nice

**Harls:** Pete just takes stunning pics

**Harls:** and my camera roll is all

**Harls:** [Peter](https://pin.it/2fQHp40)

**Harls:** [Lasko](https://pin.it/1VQAKmh)

**Harls:** [Ginny](https://pin.it/2hsoih5)

**Harls:** [Peter](https://pin.it/79jJsU7)

**Harry:** i will never complain for Pete pictures

**MJ:** I love your dog

**MJ:** and your duck 

**Ned:** I mean

**Ned:** My camera roll is mostly Gwen

**Ned:** [Gwen](https://pin.it/6jEGulA)

**Ned:** [Gwen](https://pin.it/57uo1j1)

**Ned:** [Gwen](https://pin.it/6jXjtax)

**MJ:** [Harry](https://pin.it/43rdlhz)

**MJ:** [MJ, Ned and Peter](https://pin.it/7jYTXNg)

**MJ:** [Harry](https://pin.it/spbw9Vm)

**Harry:** Mine is exclusively MJ 

**Harry:** but like who can blame me

**Harry:[MJ](https://pin.it/4swx76d)**

**Harry:** [MJ](https://pin.it/6ipT5pa)

**Harry:** [MJ and Peter](https://pin.it/4lOzapX)

**Gwen:** WAIT GUYS MY STORY

**MJ:** this is worse than when Harry tries to tell his story

**Harry:** what story

**Harry:** oh

**Harry:** OH

**Harry:** so one time

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

**Harry:** you’re the fucking worst 

**Harry:** MJ says if she disappears it’s because she fell asleep 

**Harry:** and because I threw her phone in the living room

**Ned:** are we ever going to hear this story

**Harry:** which one? 

**Pete:** ^

**Pete:** Harry’s? 

**Pete:** no

**Pete:** Gwen’s? 

**Harls:** who even knows anymore

**Harry:** anything 

**Harry:** INTERESTING 

**Harry:** happen in Greece? 

**Pete:** why didn’t you just send that in one text

**Harls:** why does Harry do anything

**Harry:** rude

**Ned:** DID anything happen? 

**Ned:** idk why I’m asking

**Ned:** but Harry asked first and he get annoying when he doesn’t get his questions answered

**Harry:** thanks for noticing

**Harry:** it’s my business strategy

**Harls:** it’s worked amazing so far

**Harry:** i know it’s shocking

**Pete:** Nothing really interesting has happened

**Pete:** Other than you know

**Pete:** being in another country

**Harls:** we take bikes everywhere

**Harls:** and Peter complains at least once daily about how much faster it would be to swing there

**Harls:** he also climbs almost every monument

**Harls:** just because he wants me to have an early death

**Harry:** to inherit all of your wealth of course

**Ned:** That would only work if you were married though

**Ned:** WAIT

**Ned:** you’re not right? 

**Ned:** cuz like

**Ned:** totally not cool 

**Ned:** I proposed first

**Pete:** nOOOOOOOoooooooo

**Harls:** We would NEVER

**Harry:** that makes me think you did

**Harry:** and I swear if you did 

**Harry:** you are d e a d Keener

**Harls:** lmao we didn’t

**Pete:** god 

**Pete:** chill the protectiveness Har

**Harry:** I don’t know how to 

**Harry:** god i’m tired

**Harls:** sleep? 

**Harry:** i can’t

**Harry: 😔😔**

**Pete:** Want me to call? 

**Harry:** nooooooo

**Harry:** my brain’s just being dumb

**Pete:** you’re worth everything in the world

**Pete:** and you deserve the happiness you’ve carved out for yourself

**Pete:** the negative is always going to be louder than the positive

**Pete:** it’s just in its nature

**Ned:** ^^^^

**Harls:** we’re not who our parents tried to mold us into 

**Harry:** i

**Harry:** I didn’t even say what was wrong

**Pete:** I’ve known you since we were in diapers

**Ned:** dude

**Ned:** I stayed up with you all night

**Harls:** i’ve been with those thoughts

**Harry:** Gwen tell your story before I cry over these idiots

**Pete:** and the fact that you haven’t slept in at least 24 hours

**Ned:** he hasn’t

**Harry:** stop tattling 

**Ned: 😊😊😊😊**

**Harls:** Gwen what’s the story

**Ned:** Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harry:** GWEN

**Harls:** Gwen 

**Ned:** Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harry:** GWEN

**Harls:** Gwen 

**Ned:** Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harry:** GWEN

**Harls:** Gwen 

**Ned:** Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harry:** GWEN

**Harls:** Gwen 

**Ned:** Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harls:** Gwen 

**Ned:** Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harry:** GWEN

**Harry:** GWEN

**Harls:** @Gwen

**Ned:** @Gwen

**Harry:** @Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harls:** @Gwen

**Ned:** @Gwen

**Harry:** @Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harls:** @Gwen

**Ned:** @Gwen

**Harry:** @Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harls:** @Gwen

**Ned:** @Gwen

**Harry:** @Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harls:** @Gwen

**Ned:** @Gwen

**Harry:** @Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harls:** @Gwen

**Ned:** @Gwen

**Harry:** @Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harls:** @Gwen

**Ned:** @Gwen

**Harry:** @Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harls:** @Gwen

**Ned:** @Gwen

**Harry:** @Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harls:** @Gwen

**Ned:** @Gwen

**Harry:** @Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Harls:** @Gwen

**Ned:** @Gwen

**Harry:** @Gwen

**Pete:** @Gwen

**Gwen:** Why am I tagged a ton

**Harls:** jfc

**Gwen:** oh

**Gwen:** uhm

**Gwen:** I saw a dog on patrol that was friends with a bunny

**Harls:** and? 

**Harry:** ^

**Ned:** ^

**Pete:** ^^^^^^

**Gwen:** that

**Gwen:** That’s it

**Pete:** wow

**Harls:** that

**Harls:** Gwendolyn

**Ned:** babe 

**Ned: 🤣🤣🤣🤣**

**Harry:** i hope you swing into a billboard

**Gwen:** wow rude

**Harry:** perish


	48. Flying Home

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harls:** but

**Harls:** i don’t want vacation to be over

**Pete:** Time to go back to the real world

**Harry:** YES

**Harry:** i mean

**Harry:** boooooo

**Pete:** lmao

**Pete:** I miss you too Har

**Harls:** i don’t

**Gwen:** but

**Harls:** i miss you Gwendolyn

**Gwen:** I MISS YOU TOO

**MJ:** let’s be honest 

**MJ** : we all know who they miss the most

**Harry:** me 

**Ned:** me

**Gwen:** Obvi me

**MJ:** Miles. 

**Pete:** I MISS MILES

**Harls:** i can’t wait to hug that little fellow

**Gwen:** what the actual f 

**Ned:** did you really just type that

**Harry:** did Harley age fifty years in a month 

**Harls:** y’all are fucking insane

**Pete:** y a l l 

**MJ:** Ew

**MJ:** southerner

**Harls:** you know what Michelle

**MJ:** What cowboy

**Pete:** Whoa 

**Pete:** it’s so early

**Pete:** don’t fight

**Harls:** there is only one person that can call me that

**Harls:** and it is not you

**Harls:** C h e l l e

**Harry:** nO

**MJ:** Sorry Pete

**MJ:** Your boyfriend just has to die 

**MJ:** 🤷‍♀️

**Gwen:** o no

**Harry:** he will be sad

**Harry:** which will make me sad

**MJ:** You’re always sad

**Harry:** sadDER 

**MJ:** 😪

**MJ:** Fine

**Pete:** Thanks Har

**_Harley is an Idiot_ **

**Harry:** you haven’t done it 

**Harry:** and if you do it in NY

**Harry:** i will not stop MJ from killing you

**MJ:** Y E S 

**Harley:** you’re both threatening me

**Harley:** and it’s so early

**_Actual Goddess_ **

**May:** Hey baby, have a safe flight home!

**May:** I can’t wait to squish your face. 

**Peter:** !!!!!!

**Peter:** I can’t wait to squish YOUR face

**_Tony Stank_ **

**Tony:** ETA on the plane 7:45am you’re time

**Harley:** Thank fuck 

**Tony:** Language!

**Harley:** Oop sorry

**Harley:** efcharisto

**Tony:** what

**Harley:** google it old man

**Tony:** Did you just swear at me in Greek

**Harley:** idk did i?

**Tony:** I like your fiance better

**Harley:** don’t we all

**Tony:** So it’s official then?

**Harley:** don’t talk to me

**Tony:** You two are going to put me in an early grave. 

**Harley:** Peter would never allow it. 

**Tony:** Stop stressing me out. 

**Harley:** how is my inability to ask the boy I’m hopelessly in love with to marry me s t r e s s i n g YOU out

**Tony:** You wouldn’t understand. 

**Tony:** One day you will meet the smartest idiots in the world. 

**Tony:** And adopt them as your own. 

**Harley:** i mean we already have

**Harley:** have you even met Harry Osborn

**Tony:** He’s actually weirdly smart. 

**Tony:** I’m not okay with respecting Norman Osborn’s son

**Harley:** don’t tell Peter that

**Harley:** he might disown you

**Tony:** No, not like that. The kid’s actually really good at what he does. 

**Tony:** I just hate his father. 

**Harley:** lmao join the club 

**Tony:** You’re not off the hook. 

**Tony:** Make my boy the happiest he’s ever been. 

**Tony:** And yourself, of course. 

**Harley:** Listen Tony Stank

**Tony:** God you’re annoying. 

**Harley:** I am t r y i n g

**Tony:** Try harder. 

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Pete:** Getting on the plane now! 

**Pete:** See you guys in like a full day

**Harls:** it’s time to j e t 

**Harry:** i hate u

**Ned:** Your pun makes me want to punch you. 

**MJ:** God I hope the plane crashes

**Gwen:** MJ!

**Harry:** MICHELLE

**Pete:** 😲

**Ned:** Not cool

**MJ:** omg it was a joke 

**MJ:** Fly safe, idiots

**Harry:** am i still picking u up

**Pete:** I think May and Happy are?

**Pete:** But she won’t be mad if you come too

**Harry:** i can’t wait to tackle u

**Pete:** I can’t wait to be tackled

**Harls:** i am just a third wheel in this relationship

**MJ:** Yes

**MJ:** I thought you knew this at this point

**Harls:** sometimes it just shocks me

**Ned:** Forth wheel

**Gwen:** ^

**Harls:** wow 

**Harls:** i just keep getting downgraded

**Harry:** should i bake Peter and Harley a cake

**Gwen:** p l e a s e 

**Harry:** lmao ok

**MJ:** DO NOT

**Harry:** but

**MJ:** SOMEONE STOP HIM

**Gwen:** no let him have his fun

**Harry:** yeh MJ

**Harry:** let me have fun

**Ned:** Idk which side I’m on here

**MJ:** SHOULD BE MINE EDWARD

**Ned:** whoa 

**Ned:** it feels weird to see my actual name there

**Ned:** i

**Ned:** I don’t like it

**Harry:** wanna help me bake?

**Ned:** Will you call me Edward? 

**MJ:** Don’t help him 

**MJ:** Unless it’s getting him OUT of the kitchen

**Harry:** ew 

**Harry:** ur name is Nedthanial 

**Ned:** oh thank god

**Ned:** Yes I’ll help

**MJ:** WHY ARE YOU ENCOURAGING THIS

**Gwen:** God MJ 

**Gwen:** if Harry just wants to be a baker we should support his dreams 

**Gwen:** not tear them down

**MJ:** He should be banned from any and all kitchens

**Harry:** 😔😔😭😭

**Harry:** words hurt u kno

**MJ:** Peter would not be happy with you in a kitchen

**Harry:** Peter isn’t here to stop me

**Ned:** Plus I’m here to help!

**MJ:** we’re all going to die

**Harry:** listen

**Harry:** Peter Parker is 98% of my impulse control

**Harry:** and u knew this when we started dating

**MJ:** I

**MJ:** I did

**MJ:** 😔😔😔😔

**Gwen:** you could just h e l p him 

**MJ:** I could

**MJ:** I will

**MJ:** DO NOT SET ANYTHING ON FIRE

**Harry:** BAKING PARTYYYY

**Gwen:** Yessss

**Gwen:** can i come

**Ned:** Babe

**Ned:** always

**MJ:** update: 

**MJ:** the kitchen is on fire

**MJ:** and I don’t even know how

**Harry:** IT WASN’T MY FAULT THIS TIME

**MJ:** it really wasn’t

**MJ:** and

**MJ:** I am at a loss for words

**Ned:** update update: Gwen is worse than Harry is at baking

**Gwen:** i feel offended

**Harry:** I AM NOT THE WORST

**Harry:** i want that on my gravestone

**Harry:** Harry Elizabeth was Not the Worst

**MJ:** done

**Gwen:** y dont u have a last name

**Harry:** cuz fuck norman

**Ned:** that’s a mood

**MJ:** I would like to maim him

**Gwen:** i stan one protective girlfriend

**Ned:** Can I watch? 

**MJ:** Only if you provide popcorn

**Harry:** Get in line behind Peter

**MJ:** I am the front of the line

**MJ:** Peter’s got to punch him enough

**Gwen:** while we’re fucking up parents

**Gwen:** fuck William Keener

**MJ:** Yeah fuck him too

**Gwen:** i can’t wait until i run into him and get to punch him 

**Gwen:** somewhere the sun does not touch

**Ned:** Protective best friend vibes

**Harry:** ^

**Harry:** that is a mood

**Gwen:** and FUCK Hydra in general

**MJ:** kill them all

**MJ:** run the whole damn world

**Ned:** you two are a little scary

**Harry:** the kitchen is no longer on fire 

**Ned:** it took us entirely too long to find the fire extinguisher

**Gwen:** WAIT HARRY

**Harry:** i’m right next to u dont shout

**Gwen:** he’s on a plane

**Gwen:** u can tell ur story now

**Harry:** OMG 

**Harry:** so

**Harry:** one time

**Harry:** … 

**Gwen:** omg go on

**Harry:** no this feels suspicious

**Harry:** one time

**Harry:** one time

**Harry:** one time

**Harry:** one time

**Harry:** one time

**Harry:** one time

**MJ:** do you want me to say it so you’ll feel more comfortable

**Harry:** I

**Harry:** this feels weird

**Gwen:** what’s the story? 

**Harry:** i dont

**Harry:** i dont like this

**Harry:** i have never been more scared in my life

**Ned:** But you can tell the story now? 

**Harry:** no it feels wrong

**Harry:** okay i’ll tell it

**Harry:** we were like twelve

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP 

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP 

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP 

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP 

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP 

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP 

**Pete:** AT BAND CAMP

**Harry:** ehfsudfuusdhghsdif

**Harry:** whAT 

**Ned:** I’M HOLLERING

**Gwen:** WHERE DID THIS COME FROM

**MJ:** jfc

**Ned:** maybe if you type it really fast

**Ned:** the lag between phones will catch up too late for him to stop you

**Harry:** I DON’T TRUST IT 

**Gwen:** we’re all together

**Gwen:** like u could just tell us in person

**Harry:** NO 

**Harry:** HE WILL KNOW

**MJ:** he’s legit stressed about this

**MJ:** lmao

**MJ:** Sweetheart

**Ned:** I think the sun gets a little brighter every time MJ calls Harry sweetheart

**MJ:** Stop exposing me Edward

**Ned:** Stop CALLING ME THAT

**MJ:** It’s YOUR NAME

**Harry:** He is NEDWARD or NEDTHANIAL and that IS ALL 

**Gwen:** he doesn’t go by edward

**Ned:** ^^

**MJ:** What are you going to say at your wedding? 

**Gwen:** Ned? 

**Gwen:** You know

**Gwen:** What he likes to be called

**MJ:** I’ll scream EDWARD 

**Gwen:** I’ll web your mouth shut

**Harry:** oop

**Harry:** Ned

**Harry:** wanna go play with superheroes toys

**Ned:** Y E S 

**Harry:** we have procured the toys

**Ned:** [I'm running out of pictures guys](https://pin.it/4FH4Ai5)

**Ned:** I AM IRON MAN

**MJ:** I THOUGHT YOU MEANT ACTUAL TOYS

**Gwen:** oh god

**Ned:** THIS IS ALL I EVER WANTED IN MY LIFE

**Harry:** Do you think

**MJ:** I can feel myself going gray

**MJ:** How have you survived an entire month without Peter to stop you from doing stupid stuff? 

**Harry:** lmao pure avoidance tactics

**Ned:** Peter was still there through the phone

**Gwen:** ^^^^

**Gwen:** I’m an enabler

**MJ:** husdgihsdg

**Harry:** anyway

**Harry:** as i was asking

**Harry:** do you think

**Harry:** if I put a repulsor on goblin’s glider

**MJ:** Please don’t

**Gwen:** do it

**Harry:** FOR SCIENCE

**Ned:** IT EXPLODED

**MJ:** STOP SETTING THINGS ON FIRE

**Harry:** boooooOOOOOO

**Harry:** goes to show 

**Harry:** everything norman osborn creates 

**Harry:** just goes up in flames

**Gwen:** except you

**Harry:** y e t 

**MJ:** Jfc Harold

**Harry:** I’m not setting myself on fire

**Harry:** but who knows 

**Harry:** spontaneous combustion could be a thing we discover on this day

**MJ:** How did you survive seven years without Peter in your life

**Harry:** well you see

**Harry:** i have this problem called repressing my emotions

**MJ:** Please stop 

**MJ:** quiet your death wish

**Harry:** i don’t want to d i e 

**Harry:** I just want to science

**Ned:** ^^^^

**Harry:** can i get Peter an emu

**Gwen:** yes

**Harry:** u kno

**Harry:** as a gift in case they come back married

**MJ:** they’re not coming back married

**MJ:** You know this doofus

**Ned:** did MJ just type out doofus

**Harry:** what about an alpaca

**MJ:** Please don’t

**Harry:** llama? 

**MJ:** Harry

**Harry:** can i buy YOU a llama

**MJ:** …

**MJ:** maybe

**Ned:** I want a Grizzly bear

**Gwen:** babe why

**Ned:** they look cuddly

**MJ:** it would eat you

**Ned:** there are worse ways to go

**Harry:** I’ll buy you the grizzly bear

**Ned:** True friendship

**Harry:** I like to waste my father’s money on stupid shit 

**MJ:** but on a grizzly bear?!

**Harry:** if it would make Ned happy

**Ned:** I have never felt more loved

**Ned:** except when Gwen said yes

**Gwen:** 🥰🥰🥰🥰

**Gwen:** I can’t wait to meet our grizzly bear baby

**Harry:** god 

**Harry:** why aren’t they home yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

**Ned:** idk but this Iron Man suit is dope

**Gwen:** are you zyooming

**Ned:** flying is cool

**Ned:** and way more fun than swinging

**Harry:** lies

**MJ:** I felt safer flying than swinging

**Gwen:** clearly you’re both insane

**Gwen:** spider powers > fake flying

**MJ:** the webs are synthetic 

**Gwen:** which is like

**Gwen:** so much c o o l e r 

**Harry:** Peter pretended he could control spiders once

**Harry:** to get this bank robber to let everyone out of the building safely

**Gwen:** I WANT TO DO THAT

**Ned:** do it babe

**Ned:** live your dreams

**Harry:** we found a black suit in Peter’s office closet

**MJ:** like a suit suit

**MJ:** or a Suit

**Harry:** a Suit

**Harry:** idk who’s it is 

**Harry:** cuz it’s way too small to be his

**MJ:** hMMMM

**Ned:** [Suit](https://pin.it/1kI9t56)

**Ned:** it looks cool though

**Ned:** stealth Spidey? 

**Gwen:** no that’s all black

**Harry:** it couldn’t be for Miles 

**MJ:** It COULD be for Miles

**Ned:** dfsiuhudshf 

**Ned:** omg could you imagine baby Miles 

**Gwen:** Fighting crime and shit

**Gwen:** like a real spider

**Harry:** gwen

**Gwen:** yes? 

**Harry:** it’s creepy when you refer to yourself as a spider

**Gwen:** You called yourself a parasite earlier today

**Harry:** I called VENOM a parasite

**MJ:** he doesn’t like that

**Harry:** he threw out my grilled cheese!

**MJ:** wow what a bitch

**Harls:** god you guys just don’t know how to shut up 

**Gwen:** ARE YOU BACK

**Pete:** [Click here please ](https://pin.it/3mVLF3Y)

**Gwen:** wait what does that

**Ned:** OOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOO

**Ned:** mmYyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

**Ned:** GOOOOOOOdddddddddddddddddddDDDDDDDDDDD

**MJ:** why are there two rings

**Harry:** FUCKING FINALLY 

  
  



	49. Cantaloupe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's crazy, isn't it? This story has been my life for over 50 days and now it's almost done. My heart is aching as I turn these last few pages.

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Ned:** Wait

**Ned:** Why are you two trending? 

**Gwen:** are we the last to know

**Harry:** i swear the fuck

**MJ:** watch the video Ned

**Pete:** Don’t watch the video Ned

**Harls:** Yeah… just… don’t

**Ned:** too late watching

**Gwen:** wait

**Gwen:** wait

**Gwen:** WAIT

**Gwen:** We ARE the last to know

**Harry:** i’m u p s e t

**Pete:** nononononononononono

**Harls:** he is literally distressed don’t be upset with him

**Harry:** one

**Harry:** WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME PETER YOU ARE LITERALLY MY BEST FRIEND

**Pete:** I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry

**MJ:** no he’s not

**Harls:** no he’s not

**Harry:** that just makes it WORSE wow

**Harry:** two

**Harry:** Keener you’re going to die

**Harls:** oop

**Harls:** bye then i guess

**Gwen:** don’t kill him!

**MJ:** do it he deserves it

**Harry:** three

**Harry:** AT THE FUCKING AIRPORT

**Ned:** lmao

**Ned:** you two really did that

**Pete:** shgisdgsdig

**Harls:** LISTEN

**Harls:** i had a PLAN

**Harls:** MULTIPLE plans

**Pete:** so did I

**Harry:** you two are the literal worst

**Harry:** and i hate you both so much

**Pete:** but

**Pete:** Har

**Pete: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭**

**MJ:** You know he’s not being honest about the hatred

**MJ:** he literally tackled you when he saw you at the airport

**Gwen:** awe cute

**Gwen:** i aspire to have a friendship like them

**Harls:** bitch? 

**Harls:** what? 

**Harls:** am? 

**Harls:** i? 

**Gwen:** a hoe

**Ned:** lmao what

**Harls:** whoa there 

**Gwen:** HOW DARE YOU NOT TELL ME

**Harls:** o

**Harls:** well

**Harls:** you see

**MJ:** Why DID you tell Harry and not her? 

**Gwen:** YOU TOLD HARRY AND NOT ME?!

**Ned:** WHO TOLD MJ AND NOT ME

**Pete:** WHY WAS ANYONE TELLING ANYONE

**Harls:** I HAD TO GET PERMISSION 

**Pete:** From HARRY?!

**Harry:** OF COURSE FROM ME

**Harls:** and May

**Pete:** sdjdfjsdf 

**MJ:** Who did you ask first though

**Harls:** shut it Michelle

**MJ:** I hope you choke 

**Gwen:** Peter didn’t ask MY permission

**Ned:** I feel robbed

**Ned:** Why did no one ask for mine

**Harls:** I

**Ned:** Am I nothing to you all

**Ned:** What if I say no

**Pete:** I mean… I can marry who I want

**Ned:** What if you’re not good enough huh

**Harls:** Ned 

**Harls: 😭😭😭😭**

**Ned:** HUH PETER WHAT IF YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH

**MJ:** plot twist

**Harry:** ANYONE WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE PETER

**Pete:** I’m not good enough 

**Ned:** Shut up don’t make this about you, Parker

**Pete:** You’re literally

**Gwen:** WHAT IF I SAY NO

**Harls:** we’re STILL GETTING MARRIED GWEN

**Gwen:** I SAY NO

**Gwen:** NOT UNTIL SOMEONE ASKS FOR MY PERMISSION

**MJ:** this is wild

**MJ:** how did you two finally do it

**MJ:** I bet it was dumb

**Pete:** rude it was super romantic

**Harry:** I AM STILL UPSET

**Pete:** WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT

**Harry:** FUCKING HUG ME ASSHOLE

**Pete:** OKAY 

**Harls:** dramatic much

**Harry:** shut

**MJ:** But really

**MJ:** how

**Gwen:** I’M STILL UPSET

**Harls:** I DON’T CARE

**Ned:** Wow two polar opposites of friendships

**Ned:** I’m happy for you two though

**Ned:** Like really 

**Ned:** You guys deserve happiness

**Harls:** thank you

**Harls:** that means a lot 

**Harls:** since no one’s actually said congratulations yet

**Ned:** Lmao I never said that

**Ned:** You’re both perfectly suited disasters

**Harls:** so we don’t get a congratulations? 

**Ned:** no

**Ned:** Because no one told me

**Pete:** Nedddddddd

**Ned:** I’m not over it

**Ned:** The only thing that could possible make up for it

**Harls:** yes, oh glorious technology overlord?

**Ned:** no it’s too much to ask

**Harls:** whatever you want

**Ned:** Are you sure? 

**Harls:** completely

**Ned:** Promise? 

**Harls:** promise

**Ned:** The only thing that could ever make me forgive you completely 

**Ned:** For leaving me out of such an emotional and monumental decision

**Ned:** Is if you were 

**Ned:** To make me

**Harls:** are you sending these in so many parts just to grow suspense

**Ned:** Godfather to your inevitable horde of children

**Harry:** NO WHAT ABOUT ME

**Harls:** done

**Pete:** Didn’t play your cards right Har

**MJ:** You should know better to ask for just a hug

**Harry:** fuck

**Ned:** YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

**Ned:** Okay

**Ned:** Congratulations!!!!!

**Harls:** OMG NED THANK YOU

**MJ:** but really

**MJ:** how did it happen

**Gwen:** I feel offended

**Harls:** I literally don’t care

**Gwen: 😡**

**Pete:** God I don’t want to say

**MJ:** Tell me

**Pete:** So…

**Pete:** we were at the airport 

**Harls:** dshgisdh 

**Harls:** we’re telling them? 

**Harls:** they will lose ALL respect

**MJ:** what respect?

**Pete:** ^

**Pete:** I’m afraid we lost that a long time ago

**Ned:** facts

**Harls:** wow okay

**Harls:** uhm

**Harls:** so we were at the airport and getting our bags

**Harls:** and I was like f u c k it I’m just gonna do it

**Pete:** I spent so long looking for the perfect moment that it only really felt right at home

**Harry:** YOU WERE LITERALLY IN PARIS

**Harls:** Shut

**Harls:** we are telling a story

**Harls:** anyway

**Harls:** so i’m frustrated 

**Harls:** because every time i’ve tried so far it’s been thwarted

**MJ:** what even is your vocabulary

**Harls:** worldly

**Harls:** so i just grab Peter’s arm and have the ring in my hand

**Pete:** And I had the ring in m y hand 

**Pete:** And I’m like okay chill I’m gonna do it the moment we get away from all these people

**Harls:** but i’m having none of that bullshit

**Harry:** I hate you and this story

**MJ:** no he doesn’t

**Harls:** as long as he says yes it’ll be the perfect moment right? 

**Gwen:** that’s disgustingly cute

**Harls:** so i have Peter’s arm and the ring and he’s not really looking at me so i just

**Pete:** Drop

**Harls:** and i have this whole speech prepared, right? 

**Harry:** you better

**Pete:** But I see him down there and I’m like omg no

**Pete:** So I’m just staring cuz what are the odds

**MJ:** with you two? 

**MJ:** Pretty high

**Ned:** ^

**Harls:** so i spill the whole speech

**Gwen:** I WANT TO HEAR IT

**Harls:** fuck no

**MJ:** it’s on the video

**MJ:** hold up on one of the videos

**Harls:** and ask it

**Harls:** and Peter just… says nothing

**Pete:** I am in Shock

**Pete:** and Harley is all “babe…?” 

**Harls:** and panicking 

**Pete:** And I can’t help it

**Pete:** cuz what even is my life

**Harls:** he just starts l a u g h i n g 

**Pete:** And fumble to get out MY ring

**Harls:** and at this point i’m barely holding my nerves together

**Pete:** And I just drop 

**Harls:** he’s literally kneeling TOO NOW

**Pete:** and like I KNOW people watching are laughing 

**Pete:** and taking so many pictures

**Harls:** and he just says with a big sigh and a stupid adorable smile 

**Harls:** “Harley” 

**Pete:** and then HE’S laughing

**Harls:** cuz i just saw his fucking ring

**Pete:** and I’M laughing 

**Pete:** and crying a little

**Harls:** same

**Harls:** and I can hear everyone laughing around us too

**Pete:** and Harley just goes, “come here, dumbass.” 

**Pete:** and kisses me 

**Harls:** so yea

**Harls:** that’s it

**Harls:** that’s how we got engaged in the airport at baggage claim

**Harry:** fuck you i hate it

**Pete:** don’t listen to him he’s crying

**Harry:** sguhuifsdhfushdf

**MJ:** exposed

**Gwen:** I AM STILL UPSET HARLEY

**Harls:** GOD GWEN GO WHINE ABOUT IT TO SOMEONE WHO CARES

**_ScienceChild_ **

**Miles:** I AM SCREAMING

**Peter:** ME TOO

**Peter:** Wanna be the ringbearer? 

**Miles:** MORE THAN I WANT AIR 

  
  


**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry:** Peter

**Pete:** Yes? 

**Harry:** I’m stupidly happy for you

**Pete:** Thank you 

**Harry:** You deserve the world

**Pete:** so do you

**Harry:** No but really

**Harry:** I don’t know what I would have done if I never had you in my life

**Harry:** For a long time there you were the only bright spot in a world of dark

**Harry:** and then you were gone and 

**Harry:** it was like I forgot how to be ME

**Harry:** and you elbowed your way back

**Harry:** like nothing had changed 

**Harry:** And even when I was being a massive dick you stayed

**Harry:** You stayed when no one ever stayed 

**Harry:** And you taught me so much

**Harry:** Let me into your family

**Harry:** and like

**Harry:** I’ve seen you grow and dim and 

**Harry:** Nothing makes you glow like Harley does

**Harry:** And I am so fucking happy

**Harry:** because you deserve this so much

**Harry:** and like he’s not an asshole

**Harry:** And you two make each other so fucking happy

**Harry:** and I’ve just

**Harry:** I’ve never seen you as happy as you are now

**Harry:** And just

**Harry:** What I’m trying to say is

**Harry:** Thank you so much for showing me that love CAN be enough 

**Harry:** And that even when things seem bad and like you’re never going to get out of whatever black swirling pit of despair you’re over

**Harry:** Someone will always toss down a rope for you to catch

**Harry:** And help you find your way back out

**Pete:** I 

**Pete:** Harry

**Gwen:** this is so soft omg

**Harry:** Shit

**Harry:** wrong chat

**Ned:** you done exposed yourself as soft

**Gwen:** we been knew

**Harls:** i feel so loved i

**Harry:** ending this

**Pete:** Wait wait wait

**Pete:** Harry come back!

**Pete:** @MJ make him come back!

**MJ:** No

**Pete:** dsghsduifh fine

**Gwen:** wait are you going to be soft too

**Harls:** obviously this is Peter

**Pete:** I just

**Pete:** Harry you are so special and so important

**Pete:** And I’m not good at this omg

**Harls:** he’s cried so much today

**Harls:** god so have i

**Harls:** Harry fuck

**Harls:** i haven’t known you for long man but shit

**Harls:** you are genuinely one of the best people i have ever met

**Harls:** just

**Harls:** thank you 

**Harls:** for trusting me with him

**Harls:** and learning to not hate me in the process

**Ned:** so soft

**MJ:** I love you all

**Gwen:** omg MJ is soft too

**Gwen:** we’ve broken her

**MJ:** I just

**MJ:** You deserve everything that you’ve fought so hard to achieve

**Gwen:** Harls

**Gwen:** since we’re doing this here apparently

**Gwen:** i remember when you thought you would never be as happy as you are now

**Gwen:** and i remember when we used to sit by the ocean and just dream up the perfect guys

**Gwen:** and our perfect life

**Gwen:** and babe

**Gwen:** this is it

**Gwen:** you’ve got your happy ending

**Ned:** I have never seen Peter smile as much as he has in the last year

**Ned:** Thank you so much for making him smile

**Ned:** And letting me crash your dates

**Ned:** and GOD helping me meet such a wonderful woman even if you didn’t know you were helping at the time

**Ned:** and becoming a friend along the way

**Harls:** shit i did not expect this today

**Pete:** wanna hear a joke

**Harry:** fuck no

**Ned:** don’t you fucking dare

**MJ:** I will end you

**Gwen:** YES

**Harls:** lmao 

**Harls:** do it

**Pete:** Why did the melons get married? 

**Pete:** Because they cantaloupe! 

  
  
  



	50. Bonus: The Proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soft, pure f l u f f for all of you.

Proposing was supposed to be  _ easier _ . Every movie or tv show or  _ person  _ he had talked to about it had said it was  _ easy _ . 

Obviously none of them had had to propose to Peter Parker or they would have edited that  _ easy  _ to  _ downright impossible.  _

It wasn't that anything  _ particular  _ had really happened - the vacations were spectacular. Harley had gotten to travel the world and see things he had only dreamt of. An entire month was spent  _ only  _ with Peter and that in itself was more than Harley would have ever asked for. And the problem wasn't even Peter. It was just that Peter… was very  _ easily  _ distracted. Through no fault of his own Peter had accidentally managed to have his attention somewhere else completely every single time Harley had fingered the ring in his pocket and convinced himself that  _ that  _ would be the right moment. 

It would be a funny story later. 

Probably. 

Hopefully. 

If Harley ever asked. 

As it was, they were standing at baggage claim, Harley's eyes were still dry with sleep and Peter looked about ten seconds away from giving up and declaring that they could just buy  _ all new things _ . It wasn't often Peter pulled the rich person excuse - he wasn't used to it and neither was Harley. But Peter's best friend  _ was  _ Harry Osborn and  _ no one  _ exuded rich kid energy quite like Harry Osborn except maybe Tony Stark. 

Harley was only minorly terrified of what Harry or MJ would do to him when they found out that he had yet to propose and he knew that at the very least  _ May  _ would have a few choice words. 

Harley had fallen asleep on the long flight, cheek squished against Peter's thigh. He knew Peter hadn't, though. Peter never slept on flights - something about his Spider sense and cabin pressure that kept his anxiety on high alert. His hand had been combing through Harley's hair for the majority of the smooth flight and when Harley woke up it was obviously that Peter was only pretending to be reading the book in his hands. He hadn't turned more than ten pages since Harley had dozed off, after all. 

Peter yawned and he looked exhausted yet well rested in a way Harley hadn't seen in a long time. Gone were the bags under his eyes, the tension in his shoulders and frown on his face. His skin was just a shade darker due to the sun exposure and Harley, himself, had gotten more than one burn in Italy and Greece that had left him with a tan reminiscent of hot Tennessee summers. His hair was softer than normal, the curls hanging over his forehead and his Tony-esque sunglasses hung off the collar of his shirt. 

It wasn't the most romantic setting - there were too many people and they were in _baggage_ _claim_ \- but, really, any setting could be romantic as long as Peter said _yes._

It was spur of the moment and Peter looked so tired. He even reached out to grab his arms to stop him from going down as though he thought Harley was falling. His hand was sweaty and people were  _ staring  _ and Harley  _ knew  _ Peter could hear the pounding of his heart and probably thought he was having a heart attack. Still, Harley fumbled only once with the ring that had once belonged to Richard Parker and drew it out by his side. "Peter…" He had an entire speech written out - had typed it  _ months  _ ago on his phone back when they had gone camping, Peter off near the edge of the forest with his camera held up to his face. He had always  _ known _ . Since that first picture he had  _ known _ . 

_ One day I'll be Mister Human Disaster.  _

"Peter…" People were staring. Sure they were in New York but Harley was fairly certain proposals didn't happen every day at the airport. Times Square, sure. But the airport? No way. 

Peter, for his part, looked incredibly concerned and much more awake now than he had moments before. The ground was cold under Harley's sweatpants and they weren't exactly dressed for a photo op and a crowd. 

It was far from ideal. 

"Babe nothin' about us has ever been conventional." Richard's ring didn't have a box when May gave it to him from storage and it still didn't have one. It was part of what made it so easy to lose. "But I literally met you when we thought the world was ending and… and you taught me it wasn't." He had a  _ speech _ . An entire speech and he had practiced it over and over but the words didn't feel like  _ enough _ . "You're the most brilliant person I've ever met. You have the biggest heart in this entire plane of existence and you've gone through  _ so much _ and only come out stronger." 

Peter looked less confused now, more startled and caught off guard. He hadn't expected this. 

Well, good. Harley hadn't expected  _ him  _ either. "Everyday I'm with you I… I… god  _ this is not easy _ ." Harley laughed and a couple somewhere beside them laughed too. "I love you so damn much Peter Parker. My life starts and ends with you." 

" _ Harley _ ." 

"Would you do me a favor? Be mine? Forever?" 

Those weren't the  _ words.  _ He flushed and fumbled and brought the gold ring up so Peter could see it. "Marry me?" 

There was a hush over the room and Harley's heart all but stopped beating while Peter seemed stopped in shock. 

He started panicking after a full minute went by and Peter still hadn't said anything. Was he completely out of line here? Had he misread? Had  _ everyone  _ misread?  _ He won't say no _ . But what if he  _ said nothing _ . 

" _ Harley." _ And then he was  _ laughing _ and digging into his own carry on and Harley's hand had dropped back down to his knee absolutely mortified. 

Laughing, he thought, was worse than Peter saying no. 

Only then Peter was dropping across from him in a mirror image of his own position a velvet box cradled between slender fingers and Harley found himself floundering.  _ They hadn't. _ What were the odds? "I…" Peter looked at him and laughed again, his head ducked into his chest and the most beautiful thing Harley had ever seen. 

"You fucking dumbass." Harley was overwhelmed with relief and  _ love _ , his hands grabbing at Peter's cheeks and pulling him into a hard kiss regardless of the crowd around them. They laughed into each other's mouths - by far not the best kiss they'd ever had. 

"Will you marry me, Harley Joseph Keener?" Peter asked with their foreheads pushed together and he was  _ crying  _ but it was okay because Harley was too. 

"Only if you'll marry me." 

"In every universe the answer will always be  _ yes. _ " 


	51. Epilogue

**_Two Years Later_ **

**_Clusterfuck_ **

**Harry** : WE HAVE A PROBLEM 

**Gwen** : god no

 **Harry** : WE LOST THE GROOMS 

**Gwen:** h o w 

**Gwen:** u had one job

 **Harry:** Did you miss the part where I said w e 

**Harry:** because w e lost the grooms

 **Ned:** We did

 **Ned:** 😭😭😭😭

 **MJ:** We’re at the venue and they were supposed to meet us like an hour ago

 **Ned:** where are y o u Gwen

 **Gwen:** with the band getting the music all set 

**Gwen:** they’re not at the venue? 

**Harry:** no

 **MJ:** He’s only freaking out a little bit

 **Harry:** sduhufhsduhgds

 **Gwen:** just tag them? 

**Harry:** @Pete

 **Harry:** @Harls

 **Harry:** WHERE ARE YOU TWO

 **Ned:** I’ve tried calling both of them like twenty times

 **MJ:** May says Peter’s not answering

 **MJ:** I swear if they died on their wedding day

 **Harry:** i can’t handle this stress

 **Harry:** it’s bad for the baby

 **Gwen:** W… what baby

 **Harry:** Miles

 **Harry:** your baby

 **Miles:** it’s true it is bad for me

 **Gwen:** lmao 

**Gwen:** nerds

 **Ned:** Miles maybe if you try? 

**Miles:** What do you think I’ve been doing? 

**MJ:** Trying to stop Harry from dying

 **Miles:** No

 **Miles:** I’m trying to get one of them to answer me

 **Ned:** did they patrol last night

 **Miles:** No

 **Gwen:** no

 **Jess:** no

 **Harry:** The three spiderchildren did

 **Jess:** I’m older than you

 **Harry:** You don’t act like it

 **Jess:** smh

 **Miles:** I talked to Peter last night? 

**MJ:** they’re not working? 

**Harry:** Tony shut down the offices 

**Harry:** literally no one is in any of the buildings except security

 **Ned:** WHERE ARE THEY THEN

 **Jess:** has anyone checked their house

 **Miles:** omg 

**MJ:** Good question, Jess

 **Harry:** WELL NOW I’M GONNA

 **Jess:** and you say you’re smarter than me

 **Harry:** shit why do you hate me

 **Jess:** you’re just easy to fuck with

 **MJ:** Stop flirting with my husband

 **Harry:** I’M NOT

 **Jess:** disgusting i would never

 **Jess:** if i flirt with him i’m stuck with your child

 **Jess:** which

 **Jess:** no 

**Miles:** Is Joanna excited for the wedding?!

 **Harry:** reluctantly

 **MJ:** she won’t show it

 **Gwen:** like mother like adoptive daughter

 **MJ:** don’t be jealous of my ten year old

 **Gwen:** never

**Miles:** update

 **Miles:** they were at home

 **Miles:** sleeping

 **MJ:** ofc they were

 **Harry:** i hate them

 **Jess:** no you don’t

 **Harry:** no i don’t

 **Harry:** 😔😔😔😔

 **Pete:** OMFG 

**Ned:** I can’t believe you almost slept through your own wedding

 **Gwen:** gusddfusd

 **Gwen:** @Harls

 **Gwen:** what

 **Harls:** shut it Gwendolyn

 **Miles:** Harley tripped getting out of bed and face planted on the carpet

 **Harls:** why would you expose me like this

 **Harry:** this asshole broke his nose

 **Harls:** i know what i did to YOU to deserve this

 **Harls:** but not Miles

 **Miles:** I’M ready before you

 **Miles:** that like never happens

 **Pete:** Miles 

**Pete:** you’ve been a very good boy

 **Pete:** but stop laughing and h e l p Harley

 **Jess:** strong dad vibes

 **Gwen:** god I love we added Jess to the chat

 **Harry:** i hate it

 **Jess:** you love me Jones

 **Harry:** sgusdg

 **MJ:** This chat was chaotic enough without Jess and Miles

 **Harls:** remember when you and Harry got eloped and kidnapped Peter to be your witness

 **Harls:** and you said you owed me one

 **MJ:** I already paid that back when we adopted Joanna and made you godfather

 **Harls:** fuck

 **Harls:** you did

 **Harry:** HA!

 **Harls:** y o u didn’t

 **Harry:** shit

 **Harry:** what do you need

 **Harls:** you to shut your face and help because Miles is b a d at helping

 **Miles:** I’M SORRY I’M NOT A NURSE

 **Harls:** you’re just THROWING cotton balls at me

 **Harls:** You told me to USE TAMPONS to stop the bleeding

 **Jess:** it would have worked

 **Pete:** WHERE IS MY JACKET

 **Harry:** WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO HELP

 **Miles:** I’ll take Peter you take Harley!

 **MJ:** this is a mess

 **Jess:** ten bucks say they’re late to their own wedding

 **MJ:** I’m not betting 

**MJ:** The odds are too much in your favor

 **Jess:** ha facts

 **Miles:** WHY IS PETER MISSING A SHOE

 **Harls:** WHY DID WE EVER TELL YOU TO HELP

 **Harry:** IF YOU HADN’T SLEPT IN THIS WOULDN’T BE A PROBLEM

 **Ned:** WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING

 **Gwen:** YELLING ISN’T GOOD FOR THE BABY

 **MJ:** Fuck Gwen than stop yelling

 **Miles:** my virgin eyes

 **MJ:** fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

 **Gwen:** MJ you’ll make him cry!

 **Pete:** MJ DON’T MAKE MILES CRY

 **Harry:** thank god for your disaster twin children and portals

 **Harls:** it MADE MY NOSE BLEED AGAIN

 **Harry:** I swear to fuck 

**Harls:** lmao

 **Pete:** Billy is the real hero here

 **Pete:** he found my shoe

 **Miles:** why was it on the ceiling fan

 **Jess:** how

 **Pete:** I don’t have a good reason for that

 **MJ:** there are no good reasons for that

**Gwen:** we’re all a go? 

**MJ:** somehow

 **Miles:** I might cry guys

 **Harry:** I’ve been crying all day it’s cool 

**Ned:** I came fully stocked with tissues

 **Jess:** fucking nerds

 **MJ:** I love Jess

 **Jess:** i liked it better when i was a homicidal maniac

 **Pete:** I did NOT

 **Harls:** ^

 **Jess:** lmao

**MJ:** who left a chair slightly out of line so Matt would trip? 

**Ned:** OH NO  
 **Ned:** He just tripped and fell into Tony’s lap

 **Gwen:** tell me someone has that on video

 **Jess:** obviously

 **MJ:** this wedding has been a disaster since day one

 **Miles:** Are we supposed to expect anything different from these two? 

**Jess:** what last name are they taking

 **MJ:** they won’t say

 **Harry:** guys

 **Harry:** get off your fucking phones 

**Harry:** and pay attention to the ceremony

 **MJ:** don’t swear at me

 **Jess:** ^

 **Jess:** I could break you even with Venom still there

 **Ned:** stop threatening each other

 **Miles:** uh someone help 

**Miles:** Peter just started crying and idk why

 **Harry:** omw

 **Jess:** i’m going to just keep filming Murdock and Stark fighting 

**Gwen:** Jess just doing the lord's work here

**MJ:** why was Peter crying

 **Harry:** just

 **Harry:** it’s an emotional day

 **MJ:** Ben? 

**Harry:** Richard

 **Harry:** May

 **Harry:** Mary

 **MJ:** Does he need a Joanna hug? 

**Pete:** always

**Harls:** I am freaking the fuck out

 **Harry:** don’t you dare get cold feet

 **Harls:** never

 **Harls:** there are so many people

 **Harls:** this was supposed to be a small ceremony

 **MJ:** you’re both superheroes

 **MJ:** and own multi-million dollar companies

 **Gwen:** this is like the biggest wedding of the STEM community

 **Ned:** ^ 

**Miles:** I’m so lucky to be here

 **Jess:** you’re all disgusting

 **Jess:** when is this starting again

 **Miles:** why have a hot date

 **Jess:** with a hot assassin yes

 **Pete:** you’re date is TO my wedding

 **Jess:** well so far all we’ve been doing is sitting here waiting for it to start

 **Gwen:** Jess just really wants cake

 **Jess:** I just really want some cake

 **Pete:** smh

 **Pete:** well you and Nat can wait for that

 **Jess:** Nat does not like that you just told her to wait

**Harry:** okay guys phones away

 **Harry:** ten minutes 

**MJ:** how much are you going to cry walking Pete down the isle

 **Harry:** bold of you to assume i’ve stopped crying once today

 **Gwen:** he has you there

 **Jess:** fucking finally

**_My Favorite Dumbass_ **

**Harls:** you ready for this babe

 **Pete:** Let’s start forever.

Contrary to what everyone would like to believe they had all, in fact, cried. MJ had been the first to start and that had set off a two months pregnant Gwen in a way that had set off Ned and, it was shocking to everyone, when Harry was the last of the four to break. May had sat with Happy on one side of her, a chair empty with a picture of Ben and Peter at a ball game on the other, and a wedding picture of Richard and Mary beside that one. Peter had forced Tony and Matt next to each other and Jessica had snapped more than one picture of the two of them trading tissues during the vows. Harley’s family, however small it was, was off to the other side, his mother sharing soft smiles with May across the aisle. 

The vows were beautiful and full of some of the worst puns anyone had ever heard and, really, once it had started the ceremony seemed to go quicker than anyone had expected. 

Peter was only a little bit drunk, though. 

He blamed Thor for sneaking him in Asgardian mead that burned on its way down his throat and the way Harley simply rolled his eyes before pretending he didn’t see it. It was only incredibly obvious to everyone that was attending - Peter was laughing a little too loud and Harley was indulging him a little too much but, really, it was their _wedding night_. They kept finding each other whispering in a room full of people, Harley’s breath hot against the shell of his ear and Miles blushing in a way that told Peter he heard exactly what Harley was saying. The food was delicious and Peter had never felt as happy as he did with his family around him and Harley’s hand in his. 

Harley had willingly and eagerly taken the last name Parker, more than happy to leave Keener in his past and Ben’s wedding ring fit perfectly on his finger. 

Harry’s speech came in the middle of dessert, right after Harley had smooshed cake into Peter’s face and ducked out of the way after Peter had chucked some at him. It had landed, rather squarely, in Tony’s face and Morgan had laughed hard enough she fell out of her chair next to Joanna Jones. “If I may,” Harry stood up, his drink in his hand and sounding every bit the son of a business tycoon. He commanded a room better than Peter remembered he ever had as an Osborn and he knew it had everything to do with MJ and Joanna sitting just steps away. “Our friends have a running joke that Peter and I used to be siamese twins,” Peter snorted when Harry smirked over at him. “And, you see, one time-.” 

Peter didn’t even have to clue anyone in - for almost three years Harry had been trying to tell the same story and for three years he had been thwarted. Tonight was no different as at least one person at each table yelled out the answering “at band camp”. He couldn’t help laughing as loud as he did as Harry’s face dropped in shock when even Joanna yelled it at her adoptive father and Harley muffled his own laughing against Peter’s hair. 

Gwen grabbed the microphone from Harry’s hands before he could throw it in protest, “As fun as it is to watch Harry throw things in anger,” she winked even as he fumbled for words. “I think this is the _perfect_ time to present our two favorite Parkers - no offense May - with _one_ of their wedding gifts.” 

Curious, Peter and Harley both tilted their heads and Gwen snapped her fingers. Music started, and Gwen’s clear and nearly perfect voice filled the room with a scat. 

The next six minutes were some of the most hilarious things Peter had ever been graced with. How Gwen had managed to put it all together - _and_ rope everyone into helping - was beyond him. Ned and Harry _could not_ dance, MJ _never_ sang in public, and Miles looked only a little terrified as the three of them lifted him up and dropped him unceremoniously into both Harley and Peter’s laps as though he was their present for the night. 

He had never laughed so hard in his life. 

Gwen played an amazing Genie, though. He had to give her that. Even at two months pregnant she was a better dancer than anyone had a right to be. 

He danced with May during the mother and son dance, and if the two of them cried a little too much when Peter saw she was wearing one of his mother’s necklaces no one pointed it out. He swayed with Tony _and_ Matt during the father and son dance, and kept an eye on how Harley danced with his mother for both before Tony cut in. 

Their first dance as a married couple was with Gwen at the microphone and Harley’s voice singing softly in his ear. 

They both had companies to run - Harry had liquidated Oscorp completely and left all of its assets to Peter and Pepper had retired just a month before their wedding - and the world hadn’t quite finished throwing things their way. But together, Peter thought, as long as they were together… they could handle forever. 

[ _The song Gwen sings._ ](https://youtu.be/0HdwdptrmQQ)

[Parkner's Wedding Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6Vy9SgMCNE)

_"I don't have to live without you anymore."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words cannot describe how wild this journey has been for me. From the very beginning I didn't expect much out of this story - know that if it wasn't for all of YOU it wouldn't have grown nearly as much as it did. Thank you so much for coming on this crazy and wild journey with me and remember, just like our heroes, our stories have to get a little dramatic and painful sometimes in order for us to enjoy the beauty and love that we all deserve during our happy ending. 
> 
> To steal a line from AJR: "I hope I made you smile - that's all I ever wanted."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to update this. This is honestly my biggest and best escape from this whole mess. Keep an eye out for updates and stay safe friends.
> 
> As always, kudos and comments makes my world go round!


End file.
